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Parenting

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Original poster

Does anyone else have a member of the family who shows NO interest in their DC?

36 replies

Gateau · 20/04/2009 15:52

In our case it's my BIL, my DH's brother.
Since DS was born two years ago BIL has shown NO interest in him.
Since he as born (he didn't even buy him a gift)he has barely TOUCHED him, never mind picked him up, put him on his knee or played with him. He never comes to see him either, not even on either of his birthdays.It goes without saying that DS doesn't have a clue who he is. There isn't ONE photo of him with DS.
The last straw was when, last week for DS's second birthday, his parents brought a present and card, allegedly from him. It was so obvious that he has netiher got the present or even written the card. So insulting.
DH is REALLY hurt by it all, particularly considering all the support he has given him over the years with his motorpsort. He has followed him round the country for years and now that's it's DH's moment he can just not be happy for him. DH told me last night it would be very hard to think of him as a brother ever again; he is just so upset, and I'm also upset and hurt for both him and our DS who is such a cherub and so loveable.
More than that, BIL hasn't once congratulated us on our new pregnancy. He just gets worse. Most people I tell about this say he's jealous (he's 38 and has a girlfriend but has never committed). My feeling is that he is jealous but also very, very, very selfish.Okay, not everybody is interested in babies and kids, but FFS, show some warmth for your brother at least.
I know I'm ranting - I have been for ages, and I now think the only way for me to stop this anger is to pretend BIL doesn't exist. Has anyone experieced similiar; if so, how did you cope wth it?

OP posts:

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MintyyAeroEgg · 20/04/2009 15:54

Some people are just not very interested in babies or small children.

MrBoombastic · 20/04/2009 15:54

DS? Leave me the fuck out of this, thank you.

beanieb · 20/04/2009 15:56

Hmmm..... this does sound strange. Are they close though? your husband and his brother?

Some people really genuinely are not that bothered about kids and other people's kids to be honest.

Maybe he is jealous. How is his girlfriend with your child?

I think it would be a bit over the top to cut him out of your lives just because he's not that into kids.

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sarah293 · 20/04/2009 15:56

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fleacircus · 20/04/2009 15:59

I'm not sure - if he and your DH have been close and involved in each other's lives, then it's a bit hurtful (and your DH is obviously hurt by it). But also I think your decision to have children is yours, and there's no reason for your family to necessarily feel that they should be involved in that, if for whatever reason they aren't interested.

Has BIL ever been confronted about this? Does he know his behaviour is upsetting your DH?

Original poster

Gateau · 20/04/2009 15:59

The girlfriend is crap too. She'a a lot younger than him and is a real drip so I didn't expect much more.
We're not cutting him out of our lives. There's nothing to cut out anyway; he's barely in our lives! DH isn't anyway. I just mean that if I pretend he's not there then I won't get angry about him.
Dh and him used to be bvery close. As I said, DH has supported him and his hobby for years and years.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 20/04/2009 15:59

yes we did.
My youngest brother was not the slightest bit interested in any of my children in spite of my having sent gifts and called etc etc. And DHs parents were never interested either.
We just don't see any ofthem anymore.
You can't force people to be interested.

But I would say that a man is less likely to be interested in babies tbh. I know that sounds hugely sexist but its true. I worked with men and they would visit and have a chat but they don't get the whole baby thing. Once DS1 was big enough to run around and play rugby and ball games etc hey suddenly found him fascinating.And I should confess that honestly I tend to find babies and toddlers a bore too. I know that makes me a witch but its true. But having had children I love of my own I know how mums feel and know that it is only polite to be enchanted and interested in every centile etc etc. But if he has know children he will really not get it.

I would not worry about his disinterest in your child but i probably would talk to him about the way your DH views his disinterest as a personal slight IYSWIM

beanieb · 20/04/2009 16:00

yeah - just try not to get angry about it I think. It's not worth it. Some people really just aren't interested in kids. Specially not other people's kids!

Original poster

Gateau · 20/04/2009 16:00

yes, flea.
DH has confronted him twice about it. BIL has just been petulant and over-defensive; he has acted really childishly.

OP posts:

beanieb · 20/04/2009 16:05

how has he confronted him? Has he asked him to show more interest?

I think that's a bit off really, you can't force someone to give a s**t really, can you?

Maybe when your children get older and he can ineract with them more, perhaps then he will be more involved, but really there is no hard and fast rule which says he must.

HeadFairy · 20/04/2009 16:07

Both my PILs are like this. They do live abroad to be fair to them (different countries, they're divorced) but my FIL comes to the UK all the time for work and never stops in London to see his only grandchild.

My MIL lives a bit further away, but she has only been over once (dh and I both work full time and can't really afford to go over to them much) she's only coming in the summer because she's on a training course and she's going to set aside one day to see us.

Poor dh is really upset by this, my family are really close and I think he's really disappointed his family aren't like that. Luckily having ds has brought him much closer to his sister. She hasn't got children and she adores ds.

Original poster

Gateau · 20/04/2009 16:10

To ask your brother to come and see his nephew once in a while is perfectly normal' in my world it is anyway. There is nothing wrong with telling your brother how upset you are, particularly given how close they used to be, even sharing a house once.
I know not everyone is interested in babies and toddlers. But this isn't about him. It's about his brother's feelings. If he knows his actions are upsetting his brother,he should do something to make him feel better.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 20/04/2009 16:13

Can I also add that you are over angsting too - the references to your child missing out etc. Your DS has parents who love him and doesn't give a shit whether he gets a present genuinely signed by BIL. You have phrased your BIL indifference as a reflection on your sons lavability ( OK thats not a word ) when it is absoloutely nothing to do with your DS and its not helpful to see your BILs reactions in that light.

having supported DH through his parnets indifference can I say what I learnt?
It was to downplay their reactions - not to join in in being upset. But emphasising how badly your BIL is behaving you are making it worse for your DH. If you could try and help him see it as just poor judgement rather than some terrible snub then it will make it easier for your DH.

I think you are both getting yourselves in a lather about this when actually if you love each other and are delighted with your child what does your BILs enthusaiasm have to do with it really. I suspect he is as baffled by your emotion about all of this as you are about his disinterest.

Vamonos · 20/04/2009 16:14

Do you think it might be a bit of a mixture of

a) not having experienced having kids himself and just not getting why it's so absorbing - which I can really understand personally as I was the same before I had any

b) feeling a bit put out that his brother who has in the past given him lots of time and attention is now focusing it in another direction - yes childish, but I suppose at least vaguely flattering for your DH

c) useless bloke-ism re things like birthdays, cards etc - again a bit childish but unlikely to be done out of malice

Sounds like he has a bit of growing up to do, which he may or may not ever get round to doing! Either way I really wouldn't take it personally, which is probably easier for you to do than your DH as he is obviously much closer to him.

fartmeistergeneral · 20/04/2009 16:14

I can honestly say that if sth awful happened to my children, my father would barely raise an eyebrow. Never asks after them, hangs up if he phones and they answer (to be fair that was only once, usually just immediately asks for me). My sister is the same, hasn't seen them this year, never asks to see them, not remotely interested. That whole side of the kids' family is a non starter. You can't force them. I did go through a phase when ds1 was new born and my father phoned and spoke to me for 20 mins or so and didn't even ask after the baby!!!! Freaks! But, you need to get over it, it's just the way it is. Concentrate on external family members who ARE interested!!

pagwatch · 20/04/2009 16:15

G - having read my rather illiterate post I see it reads as if I am crticising. I am not - honestly. Just trying to say that ratcheting down the emotion may help your DH rather than you getting upset about it too.

Sorry - not well worded

nikki1978 · 20/04/2009 18:05

My brother has no interest in my kids. Never bought them a birthday or xmas present or reqally acknowledged them at all - and we live in the same house as him at the moment! But he is a bit of a hermit, has bad OCD and ignores pretty much everyone. I just accept the way he is btu he does have serious issues so is easier for me to nto be bothered by it.

keels26 · 20/04/2009 18:24

I understand where your coming from Gateau. I dont think you honestly care about whether he buys your DS a present or not, its just the total lack of interest he shows in your DS. When you have a child you love and are proud of its hard to believe that people of your own family dont give a damn about them.
I have the exact same problem with my DHs brother, he was never bothered with my DS and even less bothered with DD. He has only seen her twice in the 17 months shes been here and only saw her for the first time a month after she was born because it was DHs birthday. He only lives about 4 miles away as well so its not like he had to go far! Then when he does seem see them he basically ignores them and used to tell my DS off for getting in the way of the TV!
Also I dont know about your family but my DCs have 5 Aunts who love them and apart from there partners and DH, my DS doesnt really have any other men around him.
Its taken me a while but have now decided that its his loss he doesnt know how amazing his nephew and niece are, hopefully you can come to the same conclusion too. x

wannaBe · 20/04/2009 18:48

At the end of the day though, you can't force someone to be interested in your children. And if he doesn't have children of his own then he probably doesn't really "do" children iyswim.

I do realize how much it hurts, we had similar with my SIL who just didn't seem interested in our ds, and for the first couple of years it really grated on me. But in reality I think she just wasn't really that maternal - not everyone is. And if I'm honest, I think that if SIL has children my dh won't be interested in them - he doesn't have much interest in other people's children so not sure why his sister's children will be any different iyswim.

littlesilversnowbeetle · 20/04/2009 18:52

I have an older sister who hasn't ever seen either of my two [6 and 4)

she was kept informed when I had ds1 and both I and the baby were in intensive care/almost died/weeks of serious illness etc, and was completely bored by it. In fact she said to my dad when he was ringing her (from the hospital) "I wish you'd stop going on about Greensleeves all the time"

They know she exists, but that's it. She's not interested and nowadays frankly neither am I

when I told her years ago I would like to have children she said something like "Oh GS, how disappointing. You don't have to waste your education and become a brood mare".

when I explained how I had planned to fit in having children/work/buying a house, she looked disgusted and said "how, sordid, you sound like one of those teenaged girls getting pregnant to get a council flat"

so I anticipate no fond reunions in the foreseeable future

GossipMonger · 20/04/2009 18:52

Am intrigued by MrBoomBastic's comment myself!

I have a similar situation with my parents but they think they are the best GPs in the world so it is difficult to deal with really.

My DB says I need to

accept the way they are

confront them about it and deal with it head on.

I would prefer option 3 which is my option of
ignoring them and letting them not see my boys but DB said that was wrong!!

Families are sooooooooooo difficult to deal with at times.

deanychip · 20/04/2009 19:03

Not sure why you are SO angry about this.

Its not as if he can have any influence on your childrens upbringing or future.
Its not as if he is an integral cog to the workings of your family at all.

Its not as if you NEED him to make your family complete is it.

Selfish, lazy cant be arsed with anything that doesnt affect him, aged nearly 40...hm, i think that it is a BIG plus to not have him around your children.

My PIL and both of my parents and my BIL are all like this, every one of them.
My son is the only GC and the only child in PIL family since dh and BIL were children, 37 years ago.
Still not a spark of interest.
My BIL is 34 and still lives at home with the PIL, gets pissed every Fri & Sat night, never has any money, has no girlfriend and is basically a loser.
I dont really want my little boy anywhere near him to be honest, so he is doing us the favour!
Chill out, and forget the whole thing. The whole thing just isnt worth even a tiny thought in your head...sod him!!

AliGrylls · 20/04/2009 19:08

Gateau, personally I think his behaviour is borderline outrageous. Even if he is not interested in children he could at least make a token effort of buying card / present / visiting occasionally.

However, I do understand that some people are emotionally baron.

deanychip · 20/04/2009 19:11

Can i enquire about the post further up with the swearing and Ds? bit.
What does that mean?

parachutes · 20/04/2009 19:17

Similar situation here. I completely understand how you feel I know it's nothing to do with what these people do, or do not, buy for our dcs.
My brother has two children who I love dearly and see as much as we can. My ds loves them and we always make sure that we have birthday parties here for them etc. I love being close to them, and for my ds to have that bond with them, so I enjoy those times very much.
My brother doesn't even send ds a card. Ds, for last christmas, wanted to buy "my uncle" a christmas present and then spent all of Jan asking if his uncle has received it and whether he liked it. I had to call him only to get an "oh yea" (that was the last straw in a long line of insults directed at ds).

So...after my rant can I just say that your bil's behaviour is atrocious and I fully understand why you're so annoyed at him.

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