Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How do you know or accept that your family is complete?

40 replies

MrsDoylesMole · 19/04/2009 21:36

I am very confused as i swing between thinking that my 2 girls are enough for us and the knowledge that we always wanted 3 children.If dp is asked he alway says no we dont want any more.I almost seem to panic when i think about not having anymore children ,like i wont be needed or special.
We always spoke of having 3 children but im not sure that will happen now.
Financially it would be much harder and we dont live in a big house so would be very cramped and then there is the issue of cars and health implications also arggggggggggggggghhh
Sorry just waffling

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

poopscoop · 19/04/2009 21:40

I would have loved a 4th, but reached the age of 40 and one handnt arrived, and sort of had that age in mind that we would stop there, so that was that really.

Original poster

MrsDoylesMole · 19/04/2009 21:46

I feel panicked about it tbh,although noone is pushing me for a decision i think that i should decide(despite dp saying no lol)
dd2 is starting preschool 5 days this week and i feel awful about it as she will be going in the morning and i work in the evenings so feel like im losing her.
Some days i am glad that my 2 are a bit older as certain things are easier but i crave the baby stage.

OP posts:

bargainhuntingbetty · 19/04/2009 21:47

oooh mrsddoyle, are you me???

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Guadalupe · 19/04/2009 21:49

I had a hysterectomy, so that seemed quite final.

Original poster

MrsDoylesMole · 19/04/2009 21:50

I get so jealous also when i see babies yet i dont think i would relish going through pregnancy again.

OP posts:

isittooearlyforgin · 19/04/2009 21:50

think i knew when family complete when sold all items of baby furniture, couldn't imagine another 3 years of sleepless nights and started going grown up days out to cinema, theatre etc. But maybe when ds is at school i will surcumb to broodiness?

Original poster

MrsDoylesMole · 19/04/2009 21:52

Guadalupe- That must have been hard

OP posts:

Guadalupe · 19/04/2009 21:53

Mmm, it was. Nearly a year ago now.

I don't think I would have had any more, have three dcs, but I wonder sometimes. I knew I would have more than two though.

Mummyfor3 · 19/04/2009 21:54

My friend (3 DSs) "just knew" after birth of 3rd son that they were "done" - her husband went for snip and there have been some regrets since, although they are v happy with their lot now.

I am now almost 43 and have still not ruled out trying for No4, but realise more and more that I am mad! I do NOT really like the baby stage (DS3 now 1, thank goodness), but like the idea of a larger pack of children roaming together.

Noonki · 19/04/2009 22:06

MrsDoylesMole - I am just like you (except I have a stepson too so it is like having 3...but not really as he doesnt live here full time)

i am desparately broody, but DH has said he doesn't think we could manage one more (I have ME grrrrr). But I just know that I will feel like our family is complete if we have 3 (/4).

I know a lot of people who are happy and feel complete with two. It just feels right to them.

I wish it did me

jugra · 19/04/2009 22:07

Having another child is something I struggle with. I always wanted 4 - and had two - got divorced, remarried, and now have my two plus 4 step-children (al fulltime with us). He cant - but I still 'want' and still get broody!

There is no cure - but the brain (and the bank) tell me 6 is more than enough!!

TiddlerTiddler · 19/04/2009 22:17

Mrs Doyle - you are me also
I have 2 DSs. Youngest will be 2 in the summer. I am one of 4 as is DH. So we both always expected to have more than 2.

But like you, the house and the car would be major issues, but that shouldn't stop us surely? And I hate to sound so materialistic. And DH said that it shouldn't stop us because in 30 years time we would look back and think that we could have managed.

I also hate the baby stage and had PND with last DS. So a bit terrified of it again.

Also, have had two instrumental deliveries and lots of stitches, so I know my pelvic floor wouldn't thank me either.

And despite all those negatives listed above, I still don't "know" we are done. Nor feel like our family is complete. We are fine and I love my boys, but still would like them to have more than one sibling. I am really really struggling with it.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2009 22:18

If you don't feel it, then you're not finished.

I had no. 3 about 6 months ago and we both definitely feel finished.

bellavita · 19/04/2009 23:03

I have two who are now nearly 12 and 9. I keep getting thoughts about another baby and they won't go away. I mention it to DH who says no to another one as we have gone too long now, but I know if I pushed it, he would say yes.... I will be 44 in August and DH 48 tomorrow. We do have the room - just means it makes it difficult when we have guests to stay, mainly my parents as they use the spare room, but is that a reason not to have another?

Then I think when DS2 goes to secondary in two years then I can get a day job instead of working evenings and if we have a baby then I cannot do that.

Oh the ifs and buts...

Mizza76 · 19/04/2009 23:12

I feel exactly the same way. I have two girls (2.5, 6 months) - and know, just know, that I must have another child. It's something I can almost feel physically. The main thing stopping us (ok, the only thing) is cost. Even managing the two we have is tough - my salary will only just cover daycare for them and I have no idea how we would pay for three. I hope our costs will go down once the first two are in school but that won't solve everything. However, there is no way we are not going to have a third - we will have to find a way to manage. If we don't have that third, I just know I will always feel incomplete (the truth is I really want four but... I can't even think about that at the moment).
Is anyone else considering having another child despite knowing that it will be financially extremely difficult, at least in the short term??

misshardbroom · 20/04/2009 11:03

after I had my second child, I knew I really wanted another one. I just felt as though there was someone still waiting to be born. Once I had my 3rd, that was it - almost immediately I felt as though we were done, and now the idea of no.4 scares the bejaysus out of me!!

arabicabean · 20/04/2009 13:11

I have one child and my family dynamic is complete with this one child. I think most people instinctively know when they have finished, but there are those who keep going until the menopause makes that decision.

myermay · 20/04/2009 13:21

oh this could be me too. I also have 2 children but am from 3 girls. My head tells me no more, but my heart is crying our for 1 more, so i know how you are feeling.

My youngest is starting school in Jan, i'm starting to work a bit more, money is becoming a bit easier, thinking of extension etc, BUT i can't help want another child. I don't relish the idea of being pregnant or the sleepness nights, but i can't help how i feel and would hate to look back in 10 yrs time and thing we didn't have 1 more because of material reasons.

Also, am worried how the older 2 will be affected? will we be able to afford after school clubs. Want dh to stop working as many Saturdays etc to spend time with our kids. So, i feel selfish wanting more.

Maybe we are thinking about it too much, but i know if Dh gave me the "go ahead" i would def, go for it!!! Life is too short for regrets, and siblings are the greatest gift you can give any child

bellavita · 20/04/2009 16:46

It doesn't help though that the couple next door had a baby a little while ago and I saw him today - he looked all scrummy and yummy!

nikki1978 · 20/04/2009 18:02

I think I know I am done at 2 for several reasons:-

We really can't afford any more
I am not great with the baby and toddler years and don't think I can go through it again
DH REALLY doesn't want anymore

I was a little disappointed when I had a pregnancy scare last month and the test was negative but I think that was just the excitement of the idea of being pregnant and the anticipation then having a cuddle baby again. If I think of the reality of having 3 kids past baby ages I just think NO!

Plus I like even numbers and 4 is definitely a no go for me

Just because you wanted 3 children once doesn't mean it is right for you now. You both have to want to and you need to think about the practicalities too. The thing about not feelign needed or special you need to re-think I mean your two will always need you in some way and even if you have a third they are going to grow up too! You don't want to keep going until you have a football team

stringerbell · 20/04/2009 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MrsDoylesMole · 20/04/2009 23:36

Thanks for the replies.It is interesting to hear that others feel the same way and to read how you reached your decision.

If you dont mind me asking,do all of you with 3 children live in huge houses or do any of you live in bog standard semi detached?

OP posts:

Concordia · 21/04/2009 00:51

hey mrs doyles - i am struggling with this too. i have one DC nearly 3 and one coming up 7 months.
DH really doesn't want any more. And he will be 46 this year. he doesn't enjoy the baby / toddler stage, hates noise and mess.
We don't have the money.
My health was rubbish in my last pregnany and pretty bad the first.
We don't have any more spare rooms.
Etc etc.
but if i got pregnant tomorrow i would be soooo happy. it doesn't make sense for us to have another at all but i am still struggling with it. i posted a while back something like - if you made a deliberate decisiion to stop at 2 kids why was this - you may want to read this thread - i think it was in parenting or in other subjects. as it got quite a few replies. unfortunatley most replies were quite negative in terms of others struggling with the same issues rather than really positive reasons to stick at two. but i am increasingly aware that our time / money and more importantly attention will be harder stretched three ways.
i think we wil probably stop at two, but i will always feel like we should have had 3 and there will be a missing third child out there. but, maybe this is easier to cope with than all the complications, health and otherwise, from trying to have another one.

myermay · 21/04/2009 08:38

mrsdoyles, i know plenty of people with 3 who live in a 3 bed semi. Yes it's a struggle for space but it's not forever is it. We struggle for space with 2 in our semi, so goodness knows what 3 would be like! kids don't notice that type of thing though. It's just us being practical & a touch materialistic.

misshardbroom · 21/04/2009 12:54

No, our house is very ordinary. It was a 3-bed new build semi which we extended to be 4 bedrooms and an extra bathroom upstairs and a family room downstairs. Our family bathroom is minute, so I do have some concerns about how that's going to work when we have 3 teenagers. Plenty of our friends with 2 children have considerably bigger houses.

We're very lucky to have a garden and a garage to store all the rubbish!

One of my 'friends' (you know the sort!) greeted the news that I was having a second child with the words 'Oh My God, what are you going to do about your house?'. Lord knows what she thinks of us now having 3 children in there!

(I'm not complaining about my house because I know I'm very lucky to have a bedroom for each child, I'm just trying to answer MrsDoylesMole's question as honestly as possible.)

Would definitely second myermay's comments about how children don't notice things like that... it's the atmosphere in a house that's important, not how many bedrooms you've got.

Flip

1 2