People that don't use the word naughty what do you use instead??

[nappyaddict]

So far all DS' problems have been with hurting other people so i've always said that's not nice. Wonderfully he seems to be coming out of that phase and not so wonderfully seems to be going into another one. Now he is doing things like purposefully pouring his drink on the floor when I've told him not to, throwing toys when i've told him he'll break them, running off when he's helping me sweep the drive or wash the car. Saying that's not nice doesn't really seem to be the right thing to say cos you can't really be nice to a thing iyswim. So what should I say instead? Would you say that's bad, or that's bad behaviour? I'm sort of drawing a blank.

i dont use you are naughty,( its the behaviour you dislike not the child!) but do state that is is a naughty thing to do...also if you are by a road etc explain that it is dangerous etc. i found that things seem to stick better if they have reasoning behaind them. how old is your DS? mine is 2 1/2.
hope that helps...someone may come along and give you a much better answer!

yes i have been mostly stuck with that's not nice or that's dangerous but they don't seem to work with some of the things he does. for example when we visit people's houses and he keeps turning on the light switches, tv, cd player, dvd player etc.

Silly? Irritating?

I tend to say "that's not very kind"...but wouldn't work in your situation either.

I also put my Voice on and say "I have asked you not to do that" (often accompanied by a Look).

Just smack him

"unkind behaviour"

Babyish works wonders!
I do use naughty for behaviour - or 'that's bad'; or wrong; or silly. Or I just say Don't do that, or We don't pour drink, or Drink stays in the cup, or If you do that again I will have to take it away... Positive messages where possible.
I don't like nice actually, seems a bit meaningless.

Evil?

Seriously, I would be very stern and say something like "That is not the behaviour I expect off such a big boy! Now you will have to help me clean that up, and there isn't enough to have any more."

But I don't have a problem with "naughty" generally though.

LOL bitoffun...must be accompanied by deep voice and menacing laugh...

I don't have an issue with saying behaviour is naughty. Seriously, why not? If you allow the phrase "not nice" are you worried he will think he is not nice?

But thinking about it, I don't think I label the behaviour at all - just generally say "No, don't do that" or whatever. Of course The Look is mandatory

The problem can be labelling the child not the behaviour ie

'you are naughty'

as opposed to

'that was a naughty thing to do'

Quite subtle

Okay well if you use the idea of 'I messages' then you don't label behaviour or child as such but you tell them how it makes you feel.

So, "ffs! you dropped your cup on sodding purpose you demonic infant, that makes mummy feel sad/tired/have too many jobs to do/seriously bloody murderous, please don't do that or mummy will have to put your cup on the side until you can drink from it without dropping it, do it again and I will take your cup away"

Or, if you find it hard to use 'I messages' you can say stuff like, dropping cups is unfriendly, makes too many jobs, is boring, upsetting.

Practise a verrrry dismayed look of theatrical proportions.

We find with our dd that if we explain the behaviour we want before we go anywhere or do anything, it usually works. Obviously not good in the moment, then I go in for the LOOK, stern words and 'if you do that one more time you will be going to your bedroom' then following through when / if she does.

We also found a star chart/stickers for rewards worked absoloute wonders. There's something about a sticker of a bright pink flower or truck or whatever does it for your ds that seems to bring out the (briefly) angelic in kids.

Also, I swear by Toddler Taming book.

oooh yes, agree totally with hobgoblin, the LOOK has to be full of meaning. Toddlers are so endearlingly (!) self centred that you have to lay it on thick so the little dears get the message

'Don't do that please because if you do that you could break it/ get run over/ your brother will be hurt'; describing behaviour and result.

But I do say 'that doesn't look very kind' too

"You're making bad choices" or "that was a very good choice"

I like that ICANDO, would be good for my 7 year old DS. That is very much his language. Thanks.

Is there any evidence regarding the effect of the 'labelling the behaviour not the child' thing? Or do we just think it should be like that, so it is?

What I mean is, I understand the rationale behind it, but in life (and certianly on MN!) I see people taking criticism of behaviour as criticism of themselves, and I wonder if it is, in fact, too subtle a distinction to actually work.

I have low self esteem. When I spilled milk trying to make a mother's day cup of tea for my mother I was 'stupid'. When I was tired and irritable I was a 'whinger', when I made a mistake I was 'foolish'. When I was dithering I was 'Fanny Anne'. When I was so demotivated at school because of my fear of trying instead of being called Amy I was called Aimless.

Definitely better to talk about the behaviour honestly and with expressed disapproval/disatisfaction than to label the person.

That label is as significant and stuck to me as the fact that I am Pennicillin allergic. I never forget it, never forget to mention it, and live my life in the knowledge of it.

that is unutterably sad hobb

Well yes, but I was also Fanny Anne (why?) and 'daft' and 'ridiculous child' and all sorts of other 'labels', but set in the context of my relationship with my family, which was and is loving and supportive, it has not had any bad effects. That's my point really. Can you really separate out one factor like this and point to a definite effect. Surely it's all part of a bigger picture?

I can see though why someone with your experience would steer clear of anything that related to it. God knows I would too

I use 'Mummy Help?' when I want to stop behaviour.

I also encourage responsibility for actions ie.

'Don't drop throw your cup on the floor silly billy, now you are going to have to get down and pick it up!'

'R, please pick up your cup'

'Mummy Help?'

'1, 2, 3, okay Mummy Help!'

Then I will go and physically go through the actions with him. If he cooperates I'll hold his had while we pick up the cup together, but if no cooperation then I'll be firmer physically'

Final warning/straw is

'Would you like to go to bed?' and followed through.

Not the 'right' way to do things at all.It works for my DS and his quirks and personality.

Hope it just gives other ideas. I personally like the idea of 'mummy helping to do the right thing, rather than dictating'.

I am the wrong person to ask though, because I do regularly threaten to eviscerate my children. Never actually done it mind, butI'm pretty sure it would be frowned upon by Alfie Kohn...