Struggling with DD1 at the moment - need advice on how not to lose it (long, sorry)

[Pennies]

DD1 (aged 4.6 years) has, until the last 6 months been a very easy child. She was keen to please and affectionate, rarely tantrummed and altogether a much easier child than her younger sister.

However, recently she has been really pushing boundaries. She is VERY willful, demanding and defiant. She can be sulky, moody and sometimes physically aggressive with it.

I am pretty sure that motivation for this is attention and I do strive to ensure she gets as much of me as is feasible with another child in the mix (whom she adores BTW and plays really well with). I have been making time for her one-to-one on a regular basis and whilst we're doing things together she is the charming little sweet angel that I know best. However, I can't be making necklaces and colouring 24/7.

Also, if she doesn't get what she wants she gets into this mode again. Some examples. Yesterday, I gave her 2 Smarties yesterday as a reward for doing something and because the ones on offer were brown and blue (as opposed to pink, orange or some other acceptable girly hue) she went ape. My reaction to this was to calmly explain that these were the ones on offer to her and that she could either accept them or not have them at all. She carried on raging so I said she wasn't having them. She then started slapping me and I got properly angry and really yelled at her and smacked her hand. She cried for a bit and then we made up. it wasn't very nice for anyone and I felt bad. Last night she would only let me clean ONE tooth! Again, I was angry. This morning she asked for bread and jam which I happily gave her and she then refused to eat it saying she didn't want it, her eyes alight with the audacity of it. Cue a lecture on food wastage and yet again I'm angry (inside this time though) and feel sad having another negative emotion about her behaviour.

This happens about 3 or four times a day (although I don't always lose the plot like I did yesterday, thankfully) and I am really worrying about how this is affecting our relationship.

Any hints on how to manage it very gratefully received.

Ignorance is bliss!

Basically (easy to say it though) ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good. You say she is demanding your attention, and as you cant always give it 24/7, she is clever enough to work out that that if she misbehaves, she will get your undivided attention!

At this age they try to push boundaries, and throughout, you will find they go through these stages.

Stick to ignoring bad behaviour and she should come out the other side (only to go through it again in another 6 months!!)

If she starts smacking you and screaming, walk away, go upstairs or out into the garden, she should soon stop and realise this behaviour is not acceptable.

If she has been really naughty, put her on a step or in her room, afterwards explain why she was naughty, but IMO, do not give cuddles or apoligise for telling her off afterwards as this gives out mixed signals to her.

4 is such a difficult age Pennies . DS was very demanding at this age (now an easy going 5.10 yo) and dd is heading that way too (just turned 4).
If its any consolation, I'm finding it easier 2nd time around .

I don't think 2 Smarties is much of a "reward"! If she's going to have a sugar hit you might as well give her a handful.

My only advice is to pick your battles. If you bring her up on every misdemeanour you will go insane - some things you just have to walk away from, especially if the root of it is attention-seeking.

And try to spend some quality time alone with her - a trip to the cinema or swimming or something, assuming you can get help minding your DD2.

And remember it will settle down - she's testing boundaries as much as anything. As long as you're consistent with the boundaries, she'll calm down.

agree with hassled - def pick your battles.

We also do the pasta jar thing thats done one here a lot - one piece in for good behaviour and one out again for bad. When its full my ds gets a treat.

The smartie and bread and jam thing - after you've calmly explained and shes still going for it then the smarties get put away and you walk away as well. Just dont engage (said to yourself 20 times a day).

They really push you don't they. I have been struggling all holidays to remain calm with my three. The middle one is v. difficult currently. I think all children push you to the very edge. I find if l lose it l end up feeling bad which really is not the point. I try to say right and walk away leaving madness behind me. I then nip in the garden for a minute. In the moment it is horrible but looking back it is never as bad. I try to give myself some positive feedback all the time and think l am doing ok. Sounds to me like you are a lovely mum give yourself a break and it is sometimes just a stage they are going through and nothing to do with you or anything you could do differently.

Thanks for the responses. Not sure how helpful / relevant FoA's is but never mind...

I do try and walk away but you know how it is, the tantrum happens just when you're trying to get them in the car because you're trying to go to an appointment so the option of just walking off to cool down isn't there because you're late already after spending ages getting them ready, then trying to find the lost shoe, getting the all important comforter, then one announces they need a wee, then you lose the car keys whilst taking them - you know the score.

The pasta jar thing worked for a nanosecond - I'm really not sure why it didn't light her fire. She certainly understood the whole concept. I might re-start the sticker chart thing, but giving stickers for such a vague reason as "good behaviour" is rather pointless IMO and also you can't really take them away very well (I spose you could just rip them off though).

Ooh and thank you to whoever said this was normal - I've been worrying that something else might have been happening (god know what though) and I'm glad that others do this too. No-one I know with DDs the same age have said it happens though, but then maybe they're better at coping with it .

Could you use a smaller jar? Like a jamjar or smaller, and wind wire round the top to make a handle (she can help you decorate it with ribbons etc) and call it the Good Prize Jar or something that you keep with you or on your belt, pasta in your pocket etc? It might get her more excited about it, and it can go with you to the park etc.

I like that idea BitOfFun!! A jar that comes with you - no more empty threats when out in public!

Every child pushes boundaries (or so I like to tell myself when Im pulling out my hair!), perhaps your friends with children the same age are in denial....or perhaps their children are saving it for later years

Ive had my ds 8 yr old pushing me to the limit for the last few months,but he has come out the other side back to my normal loving son, although my dd now seems to be following the same pattern!

florence

BitofFun - I'll try that. She is very creative so she will certainly enjoy the process of making and decorating it, if nothing else.

Message withdrawn

Could I ask about ignoring?
If they are testing boundaries.. they want to see how far they can push you, and that you still love them... surely ignoring tells them you don't love them (in their minds) - and that you only love (and give attention) to a child who is good?
I want my child to know I live her, regardless of her behaviour, so I just don't get the ignoring thing.
(My dd is like this atm- driving me up the wall.... DS just arrived on the scene though, so understandable)

As I understand it Each,its not about ignoring your child for an extended period or being "off" with them,its about taking no notice of bad or negative behaviour and quickly swapping it over to a different behaviour by distracting,talking about something else, giving them a little job to do in the supermarket etc

Ah, I see.... distraction doesn;t tend to work ime... she does like to help do things though

SuziSeis

well sort of ignoring the small bad things and keeping responses to bad behaviour short and to the point but waiting for a nice thing to happen even if its small to then praise;
for example,toddler says he doesn't like baby~ignore as if it didn't happen
toddler takes toy from baby say be kind to the baby i love it when youre a kind boy,wheres that toy the baby loves you showing to him etc

I am pretty rubbish at sticker charts as I lose track and forget, so, I made a chart (actually, downloaded from the supernanny website! here) and took a picture of DD2. I cut her out of the picture and she now moves up the garden path. It is at her height and she remembers it. Her goal is to get to 10. she loves moving herself up the path and we negotiate the treat for getting there (trip to cafe, art and craft time, chocloate etc). Have to say, it has worked and I 'catch her being good' as often as I can and say she can move up her chart. For me the key thing has been never to say "you are moving down for bad behaviour" that undermines it. Either move up or stay the same!

OOh DaisySparkle I really love that chart. Like you I"m a tad rubbish at sticker charts and this seems to sort most of that crapness out! Also she'll love the concept of it too. Thanks.

florence

Now Suzi and Florence "play" nicely girls!

We'll run out of 's!!

Seconded about the "normal" bit.You could be describing my DD1!

We have a reward chart from the Naughty step,it has magnetic "targets" like "Sharing toys" and "saying Please and Thankyou" "Tidying Up" "Brushing Teeth" etc.

It certainly makes you "look for good behaviour" to praise and reward.

When my 3 were going through a difficult phase I went to a local toy shop and bought loads of pocket money toys - cheap bead necklaces and bracelets, packs of stickers, various things. I wrapped them all up and put them in a pretty box DD1 already had.

We then made them each a sticker chart and I showed them the box of treats and explained that each time they got ten stickers, they would get a treat from the box. We also wrote down a list of specific things they could get stickers for, such as finishing meals, sleeping well, sharing nicely with sisters, helping to tidy up. Even though none of the girls could read at the time, having this list stuck on the wall next to their sticker charts helped to remind them what they might win a sticker for. And having the 'treat box' on display also reminded them what they were aiming for ..