Struggling with DD1 at the moment - need advice on how not to lose it (long, sorry)

[Pennies]

DD1 (aged 4.6 years) has, until the last 6 months been a very easy child. She was keen to please and affectionate, rarely tantrummed and altogether a much easier child than her younger sister.

However, recently she has been really pushing boundaries. She is VERY willful, demanding and defiant. She can be sulky, moody and sometimes physically aggressive with it.

I am pretty sure that motivation for this is attention and I do strive to ensure she gets as much of me as is feasible with another child in the mix (whom she adores BTW and plays really well with). I have been making time for her one-to-one on a regular basis and whilst we're doing things together she is the charming little sweet angel that I know best. However, I can't be making necklaces and colouring 24/7.

Also, if she doesn't get what she wants she gets into this mode again. Some examples. Yesterday, I gave her 2 Smarties yesterday as a reward for doing something and because the ones on offer were brown and blue (as opposed to pink, orange or some other acceptable girly hue) she went ape. My reaction to this was to calmly explain that these were the ones on offer to her and that she could either accept them or not have them at all. She carried on raging so I said she wasn't having them. She then started slapping me and I got properly angry and really yelled at her and smacked her hand. She cried for a bit and then we made up. it wasn't very nice for anyone and I felt bad. Last night she would only let me clean ONE tooth! Again, I was angry. This morning she asked for bread and jam which I happily gave her and she then refused to eat it saying she didn't want it, her eyes alight with the audacity of it. Cue a lecture on food wastage and yet again I'm angry (inside this time though) and feel sad having another negative emotion about her behaviour.

This happens about 3 or four times a day (although I don't always lose the plot like I did yesterday, thankfully) and I am really worrying about how this is affecting our relationship.

Any hints on how to manage it very gratefully received.

Hi Pennies, I am Having the same kind of problem with my DD who is just 4 I also have a DS who is 2.

She has never been a child who takes tantrums even when terrible twos are supposed to hit she always communicated rather than throwing a screaming fit.

However, the last month she has started having an attitude answering back calling me names which i secretly laugh at because she says it in such an angry loud voice but it will be something like 'You Silly Pooh' or 'You Bum bum'

but she has in the last week hit me on two seperate occations something she hasnt done before, the first time i lost it and shouted at her then put her on time out and cofiscated her dressing up clothes and the second i was a lot calmer that day and i simply ignored her and then she started saying sorry.

I get so stressed with my two at the moment but i think their bad behavior sometimes comes from my bad mood. If i am having a day with low patience and not very happy, trying to get house work done and not paying them much attention they tend to play up more and not leave my side which just makes me even more mad. However if its a good day and we are busy with activities reading books going to playgroup their behavior is great.

Just ashame i tend to be having too many of the bad days at the moment.

Your DD is deff normal our DDs sound very similar

they are just realising at this age through other children that they can try and have more control over what they want, and they try and see how far they will get with that. Especially if its a day that mum seems like she could be easier to break LOL.

Good luck with your DD and i agree those reward charts look great i am going to try one myself.

Is she at nursery? I only ask because if she is, she would be one of the eldest in her year. This type of behaviour can get worse towards the end of a school year, especially with children that are older, brighter etc. It seemed to calm down with my dd once she went into reception, but it does return every year so i am not looking forward to next term.

Also, i know this could be taken the wrong way, but i am not trying to insult anyone. I dont get treats, stickers or charts for good behaviour. Good behaviour is expected, helpfulness, kindness, thoughtfulness and hard work is praised and bad behaviour is punished.