Second child guilts?

[GiraffeAHolic]

I feel stupid even writing this so please bear with me.

We have a beautiful dd nearly 13 months old. She was very much wanted and due to fertility problems took over 2 years to concieve.

Because of this we don't want to wait too long to start trying again.

I have always wanted more than one child, and am now starting to think about possibly starting again (especially if it's going to take a while again).

Trouble is I don't know how I can have all the feelings I have for dd again, she is our whole world and I don't know how another baby would fit in and be loved so much.

Also I feel guilty that dd wouldn't have my whole attention for her toddler years if we had a second now.

Millions of women have more than one child so am I just being daft or are these normal feelings??

If you can't offer any advice, a good slap may work

Our DS is six weeks old and DD is almost 3. Sometimes it just breaks my heart when I can not play with her or give her the attention that I used to - but I know it will be worth it in the end.

The guilt is awful - have to run into the kitchen every now and then for a good cry!

the gift you're giving them in a sibling is greater than anything they might miss out on imo
it is lovely to see my 2 and 4 year old play together now
of course they row loads but they also play together loads
for me it was definitely worth it

Know what you mean compo. I was a single child and never wanted that for my DD. Feel with siblings you are more self confident.

Don't feel stupid, it is a perfectly normal way to feel

I felt terribly guilty when I got pg with DS2, exactly the same feelings you are having. They are now 5 and 3 and I honestly well up with love for them now, when I see how lovely they are as brothers.

I am now pg with no.3 and not a shred of guilt

GiraffeAHolic, if you had another baby, it would just fit in. Really. You'd just get on with stuff and so would your DD.

She might well be jealous but you know what, they move on from that. My DS was horribly jealous but he's fine now with his little sister. In fact, they're often in cahoots together vs Mummy! And they're only 2 and 4.

I do think it's silly to feel guilty about not being able to play with your DCs all the time.

You've got other things to do and it's good for them to learn that and to be able to play by themselves too.

If you're there all the time, then they'll not learn to manage by themselves. It's not like you're being cruel. I do think sometimes kids love to be left alone to get on with their own stuff even for a few minutes.

Thanks for your comments, I think some of the problem is that with my PCOS I have no idea if I would have an 18 month gap or a 4 year gap (or if we'd be successful at all)

Completely normal feelings

My ds was 2.8 when dd was born. She was, of course, very wanted but, like you, I worried before she was born. My love for my ds was so overwhelming and he was the centre of my universe. I couldn't imagine loving another child as much as him. I didn't know where that love would come from.

When dd was born I loved her immediately. I did, however, have slight feelings of resentment towards her, mainly because people were being very helpful - taking ds out so that I could stay in with dd bonding, feeding, resting etc - and I felt like I was missing out on him. As a lively two-year-old he was so loving, funny and entertaining whereas dd really did, well, nothing really!

I felt guilty for both of them - I felt I wasn't spending enough quality time with ds, but I also felt bad for dd because she didn't get all that one-on-one time that ds got when he was a baby.

It probably took a couple of months for us all to settle into being a family of four. Dd is 8 months now and it's absolutely wonderful. She brings out the best in ds and ds brings the best out in her. She loves her big brother; she's always giggling at the funny things he does. And he's really gentle and nurturing around her; it's been lovely watching that side of his personality develop.

It is hard at the beginning. Newborn babies and toddlers are hard work and they don't really mix! I wouldn't have it any other way though. I absolutely love them both completely and utterly. Dd has completed the family and it's a joy to watch them growing up together.

Good luck with the ttc!!

WinkyWinkola it's not really about her having her to myself all day, she's pretty good at entertaining herself for short periods, I'm not really worried about the timeshare aspect.

It's more the excitement when she does new things etc, for example are you as excited when your second or third child takes their first steps as you are with your first?

coochicoo, thank you so much. Reading that has really helped.

I also had the feelings about a new baby not having the same undivided attention that dd had, but you're right, the gift of an older sibling is precious.

It's all swings and roundabouts.

DP who needed convincing the first time has already said he'd like to try again soon.

offerring a very gentle slap because I can remember feeling similar.

I have two boys now with a two year age gap. We started trying again when DS1 was 12 months. I am continually amazed at the capacity my heart has to love both of them equally. I'm also pleasantly surprised by how much they enjoy each other (DS2 is only 10 months) and want to be together. DS1 often tells me that DS2 is his "favourite" (but so is Bob the Builder...). Anyways, don't feel guilt whatever you decide to do.

Giraffe, what a coincidence, I just came on to MN to start a thread on this. My DD is nearly 3 and whilst I do want another baby and don't want DD to be an only child, I do feel worried about the impact on our family as it is now. I have such a lovely relationship with DD and don't want to upset the status quo. also, for me, life is so much easier now she sleeps, eats well and is potty trainined I do worry about going back to all the stresses babies and toddler bring.

I am sure this is common but it is effecting my enthusiasm for TTC.

Sorry for the hijack - hope it helps to know someone else feels this way.

and x-posted.... DS2 just took his first steps yesterday and I'm over the moon - it's just as special the second time around. (Although I'm less stressed about the milestones he's hitting late, not worrying as much is brilliant).

Giraffe

Hopefully I can help with some of your worries.

1)The fact that your dd is your whole world is actually a lot of pressure for her. She has all your dreams and hopes resting on her shoulders. She would benefit from a sibling to share that responsibility with.

2)Both children will benefit loads from having a sibling to play with. An older sibling and 'teacher' advances in their learning by having to explain and break down ideas to 'teach' and show. A younger sibling benefits from the 'teaching' of an older sibling.

3)You're right that milestones aren't quite as exciting with your second, but on the other hand you sometimes enjoy them more because you are lest anxious about them reaching their milestones and are generally more relaxed.

And finally

4)Don't think that your first child will have to share your love. Your love capacity will simply double, not halve.

Hope that helps a little.

thanks starlight, that helps me

And finally

4)Don't think that your first child will have to share your love. Your love capacity will simply double, not halve.

You've just hit the nail on the head

Giraffe, in the past week dd has started crawling, got her first tooth and learnt to clap her hands. It's honestly not less exciting watching her do these things just because we've already seen ds do them. It's amazing watching a baby develop into a little person.

Giraffe, I don't know if this will help, I had the same worries, my DS is very clingy, demanding, loving, needy child.

I had DD 5 weeks ago (DS is now just 3), and so far he hasn't been jealous at all, he loves his sister. It's amazing. He wants to give her kisses and cuddles, to share the love

It's not just your capacity for love that can grow - everyone in your family might surprise you! DS was talking about friends yesterday - 'J is my friend, L is my friend, Mummy and Daddy are my friends, and DS is my friend too!' I know there will be ups and downs, but you might just have a great start.

Thanks again, reading these has made these realise that these feelings aren't just because dd is still so young but that I would probably experience them whatever her age.

For me it was visiting our friends who now live abroad - their older DS has fairly severe ASD, and the person who could play with him best in the whole world was his younger sister. The relationship benefited both of them and helped the parents not to have to be all in all to their DS (or indeed their DD). It made the whole family happier, even though it was clearly an even bigger compromise between different sibling needs in their case than it would be in a family where both siblings were NT. I stopped worrying so much after that.

Giraffe when I found out I was pregnant with my DD2, I spent a fair bit of the time feeling just like you .

But along came DD2 (when DD1 wasn't quite 2yo) and she just made our family complete.

She adored her big sister from the moment she could focus on her. They were both babies at the same time (they're 8 and 6 now) and I have hours of vidoe of them crawling all over DP, being tickled etc.

And now, although they have their moments, they've gone off to holiday club together, happy in the knowledge that even if they don't know anyone else, they have eachother.

It's lovely, honestly!

I agree with pps that those are absolutely normal feelings. And Starlight speaks much sense on the healthiness of a child not being the sole focus of his or her parents' dreams and hopes and preoccupations. I think that's something parents of onlies have to work quite hard on (not to suggest that they don't manage it).

I had all these concerns before DD arrived when DS was 3.2. They were, essentially, groundless (although I am aware that DS doesn't get as much attention as he did pre-DD. I do make an effort to make arrangements for DD sometimes so that I can get some one-on-one time with DS too). And I'm constantly surprised and delighted by the relationship between DS and DD. DS wants to marry DD when they grow up (hmmm, having to work on this one. He argues that he loves her and she loves him, so why not? Although just recently he seems to have decided that he might marry his friend Audrey instead as he will be grown up a few years before DD...) and DD adores DS and finds everything he does fascinating and (generally) hilarious.

GirrafeAHolic, I felt I just had to post. You sound completely normal to me!

I wanted also let you know that I also have PCOS, and had fertility treatment first time around and took 2 years to conceive DS. When we decided to go for number two, we never believed it would happen. I got pregnant very quickly, miscarried twice, but the third pregnancy succeeded and I'm due in 2 weeks. I was remarkably fertile! So you may find your fertility issues have now gone. I know of several PCOS women who have similar stories.

llareggub, firstly congratulations

Thanks for sharing, I think the uncertainty is a big issue, we have no idea if it would happen straight away leaving me a small age gap or if it'll take years again meaning literally starting over

DS1 was almost exactly 2 when DS2 was born and it was very hard at first to make sure that he still had as much attention, he was a little upset over his PFB status being knocked a little, but fine very quickly.

DS2 just seemed to fit right in, he truly did and now DS1 is lost without his little brother, they are each others favourite person. We have really tried hard to make sure both feel equally loved and have equal attention and it has paid off (thus far!).

RE: loving the 2nd as much, definitely, you will, you won't believe me now, but you will. I found DS2 so much easier because I was more confident and relaxed, he thrived on that and we all enjoyed him together.
And one day you'll be doing something else and overhear them discussing how they are each other's best friends and your heart will melt (or if you're hormonal like me, you'll have a soppy little weep in the kitchen ).

I've got an 8 week old and a 21 month old, I was never worried about the guilt thing, as I always saw myself with more than one child, but I did wonder how on earth I could possibly love another one the same as my pfb! However I do, it's amazing how you can love two little people so much! Since ds2 has been here I do sometimes feel guilty that ds1 doesn't get 100% of my attention and that ds2 will never get it, but I can already see they love each other loads - ds2 smiles more at ds1 than he does at me or my dh, and DS1 kisses and cuddles ds2 constantly - I agree with what most posters have said about the gift of a sibling outweighing any of the guilt you feel!