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Parenting

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Original poster

Do you love your mum?

29 replies

DuffyFluckling · 13/04/2009 11:49

I have a polite but distant relationship with my mum. She doesn't really know my children.

My mum doesn't particularly like her mum.

I was looking at dd earlier and imagining how close we will always be. I will always be there for her. I want her to be able to talk to me about friends and school and boys and sex. I want to always be a relevant part of her life. I want to be important to my grandchildren. I want her always to be able to land on me and it to be okay.

Now I'm panicking because I don't know how to be that sort of mum. I have nothing to model it on.

If you have that sort of relationship with your mum, can you tell me how and why it has come about?

OP posts:

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ChablisorSancerre · 13/04/2009 11:54

My Mum was a single parent at the age of 19 (36 years ago now). I have a very loving relationship with her but I do sometimes feel disappointed for her.

I effectively became her life - and I am trying my hardest not to follow the same pattern with my dc's.

ChablisorSancerre · 13/04/2009 11:58

Sorry if that's not the kind of reply you wanted. Just wanted you to know that it can go to the other extreme!

bronze · 13/04/2009 12:01

I love my Mum. Shes always been there for us and we were her main focus though she had other things going on too (Church etc). I think the fact that you want to be part of her life means that you always will. As long as you don't become too interfering of course.

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ChasingSquirrels · 13/04/2009 12:07

I love my mum to bits, and always have. Why? - I suppose because her love has always been unconditional, she has always been there for me and has supported me in doing whatever I wanted to do. I feel loved and cared for by her, seeing her feels like going home.

I went to uni at 18 and went home for holidays then moved in with my (now) ex straight after. I didn't see that much of her for a number of years (lived on opposite sides of the country, then opposite sides of the world) but spoke often.
When I had ds1 my parents moved to be near us (by then we were back in the UK) and have my children while I work and we seen them alot.

No idea how you get to be like that, she had a very good relationship with her mum.

Original poster

DuffyFluckling · 13/04/2009 12:09

Yes, my OP does sound a bit clingy. I don't want to live my life through her at all. I do always want us to be a part of each others lives though, and not just drift apart as everyone in my family seems to.

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 13/04/2009 12:10

theDreadPirateRabbits · 13/04/2009 12:18

Well, if you want your DD to be closer to you than you are to your mother, you have the model. Identify everything which you think has contributed to you feeling more distant, and do the opposite...

I'm pretty sure that's how most of us decide what sort of mothers were're going to be

theDreadPirateRabbits · 13/04/2009 12:19

were're? wtf?

we're

ChablisorSancerre · 13/04/2009 12:21

Doesn't sound clingy at all. Think its wonderful to strive to be the best mother possible. As long as they know you are there for them no matter what don't think you will go far wrong.

Anyway I do believe it is all just down to our basic personalities - my Mum will always be finding someone to care for!

ChablisorSancerre · 13/04/2009 12:21

Doesn't sound clingy at all. Think its wonderful to strive to be the best mother possible. As long as they know you are there for them no matter what don't think you will go far wrong.

Anyway I do believe it is all just down to our basic personalities - my Mum will always be finding someone to care for!

Mooseheart · 13/04/2009 12:26

Yes I do love my mum. Very much. I hate the thought that one day she will go, I know I will miss her dreadfully.

We do have our differences - I find her exasperating and bloody hard work sometimes, I think we know how to wind each other up. But despite this she's my mother and I love her dearly.

TheProfiteroleThief · 13/04/2009 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluestocking · 13/04/2009 12:30

I adore my mum even though we certainly can't "talk about everything". She is unequivocally supportive of my dad as well as me and my sisters, very considerate and kind, and very good company. I can't bear the thought of losing her, it's going to break my heart.

Mumcentreplus · 13/04/2009 12:46

Yep...I love my mum v much...she can get right on my nerves at times!...but I know she is there for me and my family...when it comes to the crunch I can talk to her about anything and she is honest with me... she has always told me about the mistakes she has made in life although at times you would believe butter would'nt melt!!...she has always had problems with her maternal relationship...and is trying at the moment to build one with her mother..

hobbgoblin · 13/04/2009 12:47

I am possibly the end result you don't want.

My memories of my childhood with my mother are of a woman who was always there with a huge hug at the end of school, right through even into my early teens. The kind of mother who paid for me to go to a private school in the latter half of my secondary education because I was not achieving my potential; one who drove me every day to look after my horse morning and night and who gave up weekends to enable me to fulfill this hobby. She was also a mother who made me wear sensible clothes and shoes because she cared, although ignored the fact that I was bullied every day of my primary schooling because my mother ha differenr values to the families of my peers.

With different eyes, I now feel that the only outstanding piece of love in all of that were the daily hugs. The rest was about living up to her standards of what a mother should be.

I know this because as the years have gone on, my total lack of self esteem has ensured I make some dreadful decisions. This has resulted in career and relationship failures, financial collapse, single parenthood with 3 - soon to be four - DC. Guess who has never been there through all this, who has never offered to babysit and has done so bregrudgingly when asked in emergencies?

My mother has no relationship to speak of with her grandchildren and none with me as of January this year. She does not know her 4th gc is due in a matter of weeks.

I'm pretty sure I am at risk of emulating my mother's style, but I try so hard to make my children feel independent and successful and able to deal with failure by loving them genuinely without suffocating them. I'm probably far busier and scattier than my mother and will be late at the school gate, and sending my DC in with un-ironed uniform. However, I listen to my DC and support them and help them stand up for themselves. I hope this means they trust me with their feelings. I couldn't trust my mother with mine and this is the biggest reason why I do not have a relationship with her now.

A mother is a supporter and facilitator bearing the brunt of bad times and picking up the pieces. I think if you feel it is all a thankless task then you are doing it right, and the thanks comes at the end when your job is nearly done.

pispirispis · 13/04/2009 14:53

I have the kind of relationship you describe with my mum OP. We've always been close, and were very close when I was a teenager. I felt like I could tell her anything, including the bad stuff, because she was open and good at listening and didn't judge or criticise. In fact that's why some of my cousins came to her as a shoulder to cry on too - she's a great listener! She loved talking about boys and sex with me - in fact she was a bit too enthusiastic about it and embarrassed me! She always made me laugh too, I think she was good at diffusing teenage anger and frustration by making me laugh, and that kept us close too.

Ermmm, so I think her letting me be independent and make my own decisions, never criticising or judging even if she didn't really approve of the latest bf, and being open and a great listener have kept my mum and I close. She never ever was "interfering" either. I hope I can be as good at all that with my dd!

Ewe · 13/04/2009 15:07

I have a fantastic relationship with my Mum and I don't really know why, although I do come from a very female family iyswim? My Mum has three sisters, they are all very close with there Mum and each other and I am close to my Aunts and all my female cousins.

My Mum has always worked FT so I don't think it is down to amount of time spent together IYSWIM. My Mum is just such good fun to be around, very easy to talk to and we are incredibly similar. I strive to have the same type of relationship with my DD but I don't think there is a prescriptive method to achieving this, all we can do is do our best I think.

brightwell · 13/04/2009 17:48

I don't have a very good relationship with my mum. She lives a 25 minute drive away from me. We don't go to visit her because her husband man handled & hurt my son 5 years ago....never apologised or acknowledged he was in the wrong. My mum used to look after my dc for me 2-3 times a week (at my house)...until I changed jobs in January. She popped in for 20mins on Saturday to drop off eggs, first time I've seen her this year.
She does seen my brother & his family regularly, he lives 5mins from me. It's a shame, I would love to have a relationship/friendship with her but I've come to accept it's not going to happen.

mitfordsisters · 13/04/2009 17:55

I think you've hit on an important issue Duffy, and one I think about a lot, because my parents were a bit like hobbgoblin's - all about appearances and different behind closed doors. I have a limited relationship with my mum and no contact with my dad.

What happens when you have children is the deficiencies in the way you were parented will show up if you aren't conscious of them. You need to mourn the fact that you were not always noticed, loved and accepted. If you like a read, there is a book called Becoming Attached by Robert Karen, that discusses the nature of the bond between the mother and child, how it can go wrong, and how one can come to terms with it.

keels26 · 13/04/2009 18:24

Im very close to my Mum, as are my children. We have had our disagreements in the past but I have always thought (especially since having my two) that she coped brilliantly as a single Mum. She went through a painful marriage to my father and a very stressful divorce but she always looked after me and my 4 sisters amazingly. She always makes time for us and our children, she now has 11 grandchildren!
Having said that Duffy I dont think you need to have had the perfect relationship with your Mum to be a good Mum yourself. Just the fact that your worried about your relationship with your children and future grandchildren shows that you care a great deal already. As good a Mum as mine is she didnt have a good relationship with her Mum, and spent most of her childhood in childrens homes.
Try not to worry too much, you sound like a very caring person and Im sure a very good Mum.

Annabel1 · 13/04/2009 21:59

I have a funny relationship with my mum - won't go into it - too personal even for mumsnet and relative anonymity. Have had counselling as have plenty of issues about how I will avoid being like my mum really. A wise thing the counsellor has picked up on is how I seem to have sought mother figures elsewhere and have learnt the skills I have there amongst other places. I hope that's true and the best mother I know is one whose own mother died when she was a baby and was brought up by a very distant and uncaring step mother - my mother in law as it happens. She has a fantastic close supportive non judgemental relationship with her sons (and daughters in law too) and gives me hope that you can mother well by doing the opposite to what you had as well as by following examples.

steviesgirl · 14/04/2009 02:16

I worship the ground my mother walks on. She is an angel. She's had a lot to put up with with our bully of a father, but has never walked out on him, ever; basically for her kids' sake; (she may have done us a favour though, who knows).

I'm absolutely dreading her dying. I would almost want to go with her. The only thing I'd say to myself would be that I will meet her again in heaven.

ohdearwhatamess · 14/04/2009 08:59

No. Never have. Lots of emotional abuse as a child. It has continued into adulthood but I'm infinitely better equipped to cope with it now (and had counselling which helped a lot).

I have vivid memories of being a very young child and hating her touching me.

poopscoop · 14/04/2009 09:08

i adore my mum, and dad. Life is short, and time with them is precious.

PMSLBrokeMN · 14/04/2009 09:21

Like others have said, I think the very fact that you realise your relationship with your own mum is bad will make you do things differently with your DD. Personally I'd hate my mum if I could be bothered, long story, emotional/physical abuse and lots of counselling. So I struggled too when DD was younger and I know I got it wrong more than once. You do find your feet though, you do get more secure in your own skills. You don't have to be like your mum, it's not some kind of pre-destined thing.

Think back to what you think she did badly, and plan what you would have liked her to do in that situation. It's trial and error sometimes, but then I think it's like that for all mums! When I've gone wrong I always apologise, and try and explain that I'm not the perfect mum but I'm trying my best and I'll do better next time. So far so good I think, DD is 11 and is still talking to me despite the hormones - and when they all came back from a day out on Friday with DH (I stayed at home and did housework lol!) she said it wasn't the same without me, she actually missed me!

Long post, sorry, it's obviously hit a nerve!

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