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I feel like dd was brattish. But I know it's my job to be in charge. I got it wrong. Feel crappy.

44 replies

DuffyFluckling · 08/04/2009 14:25

The thing is, I really feel a bit cross, and like dd was a brat. I feel that, but I know it's her job to be a 2-year-old. If things go wrong, it's down to me. I get that. I do.

I just wish I didn't keep getting it wrong.

I try, and then I feel crappy when it all goes pear shaped, because it's like my best isn't good enough.

Dd is very nearly 3.

We went to the shopping centre. She is always asking if we can hire one of their car shaped trollys, and today we did. The plan was to brrrm brrrm in the car to the toy shop, have a look at all the toys while I chose a baby gate, and then go for a juice.

Nice! A pleasant shopping trip, no?

So we get to the checkout and there are a few extra bits in the trolly that I'm happy to buy for the children. I was just paying when dd went into absolute meltdown. Screaming, crying, wailing. At first I thought it was because I'd put aside the penguin pen her brother had been playing with. It's not like her to tantrum, so I thought maybe we'd had a misunderstanding and she thought I was getting them the penguin pen, so I added it to the pile.

Still screaming.

Finally realise that she wanted to pay. Well, it's too late because I already have. We leave and sit and have a chat. I explain that I didn't understand that's what she wanted, and that shouting at Mummy isn't a good way to let me know.

Thought maybe everyone's blood sugar was a bit low so we head to the smoothie bar. She requests a red smoothie. I order her a 'red rocket' or something. When it comes it's pink, not red.

Complete meltdown. Screaming and crying that she wanted red, not pink. TBH I'd had enough, so I shrugged, said okay, if you don't want this one you don't have to drink it. Popped it straight into the bin. Headed straight to the car, and we've come home.

Dd is flabberghasted. She initially made a big fuss about wanting a red one. I was just driving, making non-commital noises. Then she realised that she wasn't going to get her way, so put on her very best 'being good' voice and said "Excuse me Mummy, please may I have the pink smoothie back?" I said quite nicely that she couldn't because it had gone in the bin. She asked why. I said because she hadn't wanted it, and had got cross.

More tears.

I feel rotten. I had a tantrum just as much as she did, didn't I. Just quieter and with fewer tears!

Tell me where I'm going wrong, what I should have done.

I'm left feeling as though I made all that effort to have a nice trip out, and she spoiled it by being brattish. But I KNOW the problem is in my handling of it, not with her. I don't know why I'm feeling so childish about it. She's 2 fgs.

Are people going to make harsh comments about me now?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
DuffyFluckling · 08/04/2009 14:26

Oh god, that was so long .

Oh dear. Maybe it was cathartic writing it all down.

OP posts:
apostrophe · 08/04/2009 14:27

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Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 14:27

Good Lords, my 23mo behaves like this every ten minutes! It's just toddlers, don't punish yourself. It doesn't even sound like you handled it badly, sounds as if you were calm and firm.

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Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 14:27

Lord

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 08/04/2009 14:28

I don't think you did do the wrong thing. You have taught her if she screams nd refuses treats for silly reasons, she gets nothing.

What's so wrong about that? I'd not have put the smoothie in the bin though, I'd have drank it myself.

stuffitllama · 08/04/2009 14:29

I'm not sure why you feel so rotten. It doesn't seem like you did anything out of order really. What did you do wrong? Do you mean you think you shouldn't have gone to the smoothie bar after the first meltdown? You were just trying to rescue the day. And on the second meltdown you went home. Not so bad really.

Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 14:29

Tanya Byron said something along the lines of one of the most frustrating things about toddlers is that no matter how much effort you put in, you can't control how well things will go. I know how you feel, and if I make a big effort to have a lovely day with dd and she has a big tantrum, I feel irrationally cross too.

ruddynorah · 08/04/2009 14:31

i think you did fine!

talk her through it all again when she's really calm. tell her why you threw the drink away. explain it is because you felt cross too, just like she felt cross when she wanted to pay. say you both need to get better at telling each other how you feel. talk to her about saying in words what she wants and not shouting cos you can't understand shouting.

and tell her you had a nice day and you like taking her out places.

you did well!

compo · 08/04/2009 14:32

aw don't feel bad
you handled it perfectly and now she knows that if she is ungrateful and stroppy she won't get anything at all, good one!

AitchTwoOh · 08/04/2009 14:33

i think you did fine, there's no reason whatsoever to be down on yourself for that. i think you're blaming yourself for dd being a toddler, which is a bit bonkers. shit happens, things don't work out, it's okay. have a cuddle when you get home and it'll be forgotten.

DuffyFluckling · 08/04/2009 14:36

Oh. Nice comments. Thank you - I was expecting mean comments.

Do you think that tantrums are inevitable then? I figure that by the time we're screaming and wailing at the shopping centre something has gone wrong.

OP posts:
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 08/04/2009 14:37

Tantrums are definately inevitable, they normally start at around 2 years, and it's down to lo's wanting to exert control over their world but not quite knowing how to express themselves.

It's a very normal part of growing up. And it passes.

AitchTwoOh · 08/04/2009 14:38

well it's good to be able to employ a bit of distraction before they tantrum but basically if they're gonna blow they're gonna blow. that's what toddlers do.

screamingabdab · 08/04/2009 14:40

What did you do wrong?

Nothing in my opinion. Reasoning with her over the drink wasn't going to work. If you were to have gone and got her a pink one she might have got the message that "If I make a big fuss, I get what I want" She needed to know that she wasn't going to get her way by having a tantrum, you threw the drink away. Lesson learned.

The conversation in the car shows me that she did get the message about the tantrum and the drink being thrown away. At that point, you could nave said ... "It's really nice that you have calmed down, well done. Next time we are at the shops I will get you a pink one"

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 08/04/2009 14:41

I don't see what you did wrong. You were calm, firm, consistant, not ranty. Sounds like you did an excellent job and taught her an important lesson - tantrums get you nowhere!

Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 14:41

Duffy - agree entirely with Aitch. My dd tantrums quite a lot, she is very strong willed, and sometimes a huge tantrum can ensue just because she doesn't like the particular hat I put on her that day, or something equally trivial.

I have, to my eternal shame, done the whole screaming banshee routine, but it just makes her worse. So, depending on the circumstances, I either walk out of the room, or if that's impossible, say in the supermarket, I just keep wittering on as normal.

When she doesn't get a reaction, she stops a lot sooner.

MadameCastafiore · 08/04/2009 14:42

You didn't behave like a toddler - you behaved like a sane adult making her realise after a couple of tantrums that that sort of behaviour wasn't going to get her anywhere.

Well done.

screamingabdab · 08/04/2009 14:42

BTW, I don't mean to sound unsympathetic to your DD, low blood sugar is a bitch, and it's unfortunate that there was a mix-up about the colour of the drink.

CaptainKarvol · 08/04/2009 14:43

I agree with the 'inevitables'. If it helps, DS (3) was very similar this morning because ...

  1. his weetabix was in a blue bowl, not a 'big' bowl
  2. his weetabix was "going up, there, mummy", where the spoon was slightly underneath it
  3. his weetabix was "all soggy and coming to bits"
  4. he remembered that yesterday daddy had "cut up" his weetabix

I took his weetabix away, just like you took the smoothie away. Sometimes, you can't make it right, so you may as well remove the object of frustration from view!

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 08/04/2009 14:47

I have all this to come but if I handle the situation as half as well as you seem to have done I will be happy with myself. The only bad thing I don't quite understand is why you didn't drink the smoothie yourself!

AitchTwoOh · 08/04/2009 14:52

my dd's nursery teacher tells the story that she'll have all the kids lined up waiting to go out and one will be having a bawling fit because their cardigan is sticking out of the bottom of their jacket... they're MAD people, toddlers.

ProfYaffle · 08/04/2009 14:53

I've done v similar with dd2 (25 months) I bought her and her sis some chocolate but dd2 had the wrong chocolate and had a hissy fit so I took away dd2's chocolate altogether. Not on to be fussy and ungrateful about treats imho. I wasn't quite as calm as you though

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 08/04/2009 14:54

Did you eat the chocolate Prof?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 08/04/2009 14:57

Lol Aitch. My dd1 has tantrums because her socks are wriggly

Infact she almost walked home from the doctors bare foot because of wriggly socks and itchy shoes today, untill I threatened not to take her swimming tomorrow incase it made her shoes itch more

ProfYaffle · 08/04/2009 15:01

Wish I had Libra I forgot all about them til 3 days later when they'd melted all over my phone

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