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Parenting

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Original poster

I feel like dd was brattish. But I know it's my job to be in charge. I got it wrong. Feel crappy.

44 replies

DuffyFluckling · 08/04/2009 14:25

The thing is, I really feel a bit cross, and like dd was a brat. I feel that, but I know it's her job to be a 2-year-old. If things go wrong, it's down to me. I get that. I do.

I just wish I didn't keep getting it wrong.

I try, and then I feel crappy when it all goes pear shaped, because it's like my best isn't good enough.

Dd is very nearly 3.

We went to the shopping centre. She is always asking if we can hire one of their car shaped trollys, and today we did. The plan was to brrrm brrrm in the car to the toy shop, have a look at all the toys while I chose a baby gate, and then go for a juice.

Nice! A pleasant shopping trip, no?

So we get to the checkout and there are a few extra bits in the trolly that I'm happy to buy for the children. I was just paying when dd went into absolute meltdown. Screaming, crying, wailing. At first I thought it was because I'd put aside the penguin pen her brother had been playing with. It's not like her to tantrum, so I thought maybe we'd had a misunderstanding and she thought I was getting them the penguin pen, so I added it to the pile.

Still screaming.

Finally realise that she wanted to pay. Well, it's too late because I already have. We leave and sit and have a chat. I explain that I didn't understand that's what she wanted, and that shouting at Mummy isn't a good way to let me know.

Thought maybe everyone's blood sugar was a bit low so we head to the smoothie bar. She requests a red smoothie. I order her a 'red rocket' or something. When it comes it's pink, not red.

Complete meltdown. Screaming and crying that she wanted red, not pink. TBH I'd had enough, so I shrugged, said okay, if you don't want this one you don't have to drink it. Popped it straight into the bin. Headed straight to the car, and we've come home.

Dd is flabberghasted. She initially made a big fuss about wanting a red one. I was just driving, making non-commital noises. Then she realised that she wasn't going to get her way, so put on her very best 'being good' voice and said "Excuse me Mummy, please may I have the pink smoothie back?" I said quite nicely that she couldn't because it had gone in the bin. She asked why. I said because she hadn't wanted it, and had got cross.

More tears.

I feel rotten. I had a tantrum just as much as she did, didn't I. Just quieter and with fewer tears!

Tell me where I'm going wrong, what I should have done.

I'm left feeling as though I made all that effort to have a nice trip out, and she spoiled it by being brattish. But I KNOW the problem is in my handling of it, not with her. I don't know why I'm feeling so childish about it. She's 2 fgs.

Are people going to make harsh comments about me now?

OP posts:

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Sidge · 08/04/2009 15:07

Crikey I think you handled it just right.

Toddlers are barmy, if you got her a red drink she would have wanted a pink one, if you got a pink one she would have wanted a red one.

My DD3 is now 2.5 and very rarely tantrums but when she does it's for reasons not even Stephen Hawking could work out or Kofi Annan could moderate. Her socks might be too gurdly (I never did find out what that meant...), she wanted the book we returned to the library 3 weeks ago or her sister's hairstyle is annoying her.

Go with the flow and keep wine in the fridge, that's my motto when owning a toddler.

Chaotica · 08/04/2009 15:23

Feeling better reading this. Just got back from a day out with DD 2.11 (and DS) and I want my sanity back. (Can't even face typing the details, but what's hard with DD is that she can be very rational sometimes - leads me into a false sense of security.)

stealthsquiggle · 08/04/2009 15:39

I hope think they learn valuable lessons from 'no going back' things like throwing smoothie in the bin / Mummy eating the cake you have just rejected after 1 small bite even though you demanded it. 'twas the right thing to do (apart from drinking it).

The only lesson for you (IMHO) is to try and feed her at frquent intervals and pre-empt the sugar low grumps. I remember DS getting to the point where he wouldn't eat even though that was clearly what he needed - I had to practically force feed him the first few mouthfuls of pasta until (something close to) normal rational behaviour was resumed.

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screamingabdab · 08/04/2009 16:44

stealthsquiggle God, I remember that - DS2s trigger for tantrums was always hunger - I used to wish I could actually inject banana into his bloodstream because he'd be so vile if you just got it a few minutes late.

I wonder if OP feels bad because what motivated her throwing the drink in the bin was anger/revenge on her part, rather than a well-thought out parenting strategy.

But I say - how bloody lucky to do the right thing by accident ! With toddlers it's all thinking on your feet anyway.

OP you have my sympathy - it's always when you think you are going to have the most fun that it all goes pear-shaped !

Original poster

DuffyFluckling · 08/04/2009 17:40

Oh you've all made me feel much better.

I was in such a funk about the whole trip, but a little time, and all of your perspective has made a molehill out of my mountain. Thank you.

Screamingabdab - nail on the head. I threw the smoothie away in a fit of pique. I may have been outwardly calm, but inside I was furious and fed up and threw it away because HA!

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 08/04/2009 18:23

Nothing like a toddler to find your inner HA. I think you can consider yourself doing very well to stay calm on the outside.

Glad you feel better.

Daffodilly · 08/04/2009 18:54

God I have had a day like this too with my 2.5 year old (and complemented by a fussy 10 week old to boot). Feel better for reading OP and all the comments. It isn't just me!

Well done OP I think you did really well and sound like a great mum. Hang in there, apparently one day they leave home .

Grammaticus · 08/04/2009 19:02

Another one to say - you did nothing wrong, nothing at all. You did the right thing! But times like that aren't much fun, so I see why you felt a little shaken by it all afterwards.

IheartEASTEREGGS · 08/04/2009 19:07

Sounds like a GOOD day to me.
Can you tell I've had a bad one?
and mine has finished the terrible twos and is onto the terrible threes!

Original poster

DuffyFluckling · 08/04/2009 19:15

Oh dear Iheart. My friend assures me that 3s are much worse than 2s.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 08/04/2009 19:22

I think that you handled it really well-she learnt a valuable lesson-she didn't get anything through it and by being contrary she lost what she would have really liked!
It is how 2 yr olds behave-I saw one today being carried out of M&S-I have no idea what it was about but mother was calm and her DD was screaming so hard that I couldn't understand what she was screaming about-she had probably forgotten herself. I just think-been there, done that and got the Tshirt! They grow out of it-eventually. (then you go onto the next phase!)

screamingabdab · 08/04/2009 19:25

Ah yes ... Three, when they begin to feel their power, and tell you they hate you .....

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 08/04/2009 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 08/04/2009 19:30

I had forgotten the 'I hate you' or 'I don't love you anymore'.
I should get ahead of the game and think of a few phrases for that one!

TsarChasm · 08/04/2009 19:31

Harsh comments? Blimey you did good there! Aren't you reasonable?! You sound lovely

You have to realise that when children are this age and want to throw a wobbly nothing nothing could happen that would stop it. You could have bought the whole shop and a rainbow of coloured drinks - no good. She wanted to have the tantrum.

Just batten down the hatches. I used to put on my stone Mount Rushmore face and keep moving on out

MuffinBaker · 08/04/2009 19:32

I thought you handled it brilliantly.

smudgethepuppydog · 08/04/2009 19:41

As the mother to two much older kids I think you did exactly the right thing today. my kids used to do much the same when they were small, my reaction was often teh same as yours, it taught them that tantrums are not the way to go.

(The time I actually said to DS "Look. I can do that" and joined him tantrumming on the floor at Tesco checkout was probably NOT the right response though but it had been a long day, it was about his 100th tantrum in the last hour and he couldn't have Chewits no matter how much he screamed at me but still...)

AitchTwoOh · 08/04/2009 19:41

i've recently discovered that asking dd1 sympathetically 'do you have a noisy head?' really helps? not rigth at the beginning of the tantrum, but about half-way through, when they take their first breath. poor dd loses the thread of why she's angry and just gives herself a fright, so if i ask her if she's noise in the head or giving herself a fright she often takes it as an 'out' of the tantrum and accepts the sympathy. it's scary for them, there's a lot going on there i think.

then we breathe in through our noses and breathe out trhough our mouths etc etc and everyone chills out.

choufleur · 08/04/2009 19:42

nothing wrong with what you did. Toddlers are strange aliens who are just trying to work out how our world works - which explains why DS (2.11) has just had a fit because his milk was in the wrong place when he went to bed (it was where it usually is - he moved it by about a cm and was then fine)

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