Help - is it ok to let newborn cry if I have to deal with my toddler?

[rubadubadoo]

Help please. I have a 3 week old baby and a 27 month old toddler. I try and comfort my baby everytime she cries but I'm getting stressed out. At the moment every time I put my baby down to get on and either change my toddler, give my toddler dinner/ tea or some attention, she starts to cry. The other day I was half way through sterilising bottles and she started and I carried on and finished the bottles whilst she continued to cry... I feel so guilty. I just don't see how anyone can get by if they always pick their baby up as soon as they start crying. I guess I'm just looking for someone to say it's Ok sometimes to let the baby cry if there are things that NEED to be done especially if I know she's been fed, winded and changed. It's just that all the literature these days says to not leave a baby to cry.... but I can't cope!

It's okay - don't worry.

It's okay - don't worry.

oops!

I don't actually have experience but of course you can't physically be there every single minute when you have more than one child. Don't worry about it.

Or try not to worry about it, of course we are biologically programmed to feel bad if we hear a baby crying.

That is what happens to most 2nd babies, I think. Its fine, stop putting yourself under more pressure.

You're not superwoman and can only be in one place at a time. I'm no supporter of CC but there will be times when a baby has to cry for a few minutes because it's practically impossible to prevent it all of the time.

If it's eating you up why not invest in a sling so you can be hands free.

Yes it is.

Newborn needs are very basic and physical. They need to be fed, clean, warm and cuddled. Crying is their only way of communicating.

Your toddlers needs are more complex and they can be more demanding.

You could try a sling to free your hands up whilst you do the necessary, or try to borrow or buy a swing, which I found a godsend for DC4.

But don't beat yourself up. These early days can be difficult days. Good luck.

Your baby will be fine. You only have one pair of hands.

I posted on a very similar thread earlier to the effect that I think my DD2 (now 11 months) is so much more happy and chilled out than DD1 because I couldn't run to her every time she squeeked.

You will be coping, just... and it will get easier, I promise.

I have a 3 weekold and a 4v year old. This morning was my first on my own. Thankfully no pre school as the hols but dd1 was being picked up o go out with friends. The only way I could get her ready was tyo leave DD2 to cry. SAme when putting dd1 to bed. it will be the only way to get dd1 to pre school on time too.

Needs must.

oh and i've tried a sling - dd2 cries even more in it ! Am awaiting the delivery of a different one on hire.

Hi there. Big sympathies as I have a 20 wk old and 4 yr old.

Wrap slings are good for when you really do need to get on with something and can't just have your baby crying and crying for a long period of time. But for shorter periods, don't worry. Only firstborns have the privilege of having every cry catered to immediately. Subsequent babies live in the real world .

try a stretchy wrap sling. I had a newborn and a toddler in a full leg cast for the first 4 wks of dd2's life.

It would have been hell without a sling as dh went to work overseas when dd2 was 2 wks old and I had no one at all to give me a hand on a day to day basis.

Thanks feeling reassured. It's just so awful to hear them cry but you are all right ..things are different with 2 children. I suppose I am trying to carry on like I did when ds was a baby and that's simply not possible now.

Yep - same boat here. I have 10 week old and 2.5 year old. Baby is regularly left to cry for few mins here and there. Toddler can shout louder! And she has emotional needs to meet too. Often I get back to him to find he has calmed down on his own - or dropped off to sleep!

Good luck and enjoy the evenings when your older one is in bed and you can make it up with extra cuddles...

It happens, don't stress.
I have a hearing problem which means I can't hear anything over a baby crying so I used my slings a lot those first few weeks/months.
Mil nearly had heart failure when she found me cooking tea while BFing DD2 in a sling. Well, DH was at work, it was either that, she screamed or we went hungry.

We don't call them neglected second borns on MN for nothing

It is inevitable i think, ds1 was 22 months when ds2 arived. I sometimes had to leave ds2 to cry, tis horrible but defo hasnt 'affected' him; he is v smilely happy boy at 18 months.

I found a dummy helped, especially that 5-10 mins when i was getting ds1 out ofthe bath and i knew ds2 was hungry. He weaned himself off it by 6 months and was great.

If it helps DD2 is fiercely independant now at 17 months. She will not be fed/cuddled to sleep (as she never was) and she happily plays on her own for much longer than DD1, runs over to me for a cuddle and then wanders off to play again. This is becasue she was abandoned on teh floor wiht me flinging toys at her whiel I dealt with DD1
DD1 is 3.2 and like a limpet

As above post from thehairybabysmum (fab name BTW), I used a dummy as well with DS2 and got rid of it at around 5 months, it just made life a little easier for a while. He's now 10 months and a very smiley little man, and loves his big brother to bits.

I potty trained DS1 when DS2 was 4 weeks old, so he had a lot of being left on the floor crying when I had the shout of 'Mummy, I need a wee', some things just can't wait!!!!

One answer - yes it's fine.

Stop reading the books. They never mention what it's like to have two! (or more)

Absolutely ok - I have a 20 week old and a 2.9 year old and I have lost count of the number of times DS2 has ended up crying himself to sleep (which he does very quickly btw in case anyone thinks I left him for hours!).

I love JackBauers comment of being on the floor whilst toys being flung at him - that is so much the case here although DS1 joins in and actually tries to deliberately hit him with them

I also have a dummy (but I did for DS1 aswell) which is helpful, particularly in the evenings around bathtimes when both of them are tired and demanding.

But on the plus side, DS2 is able to put himself to sleep all the time - never needs me with him/rocking etc - in fact he will whinge when he is tired until I put him in his cot upstairs (probably because this is the only time DS1 is not in his face!)

Joe77 very brave potty-training your toddler with such a young baby. I have been putting it off until DS2 is a little bit older and less 'needy'

I'd try a stretchy wrap sling too. My DS2 only liked being upright, so wasn't interested in my pretty pouch or serviceable ring sling.

Good luck with it. It's a hard time.

When I had a toddler and a baby and then two and a baby, I would see to whoever needed me for the shortest amount of time and that was usually the older child. The baby usually takes longer with feeds and changes.

My head felt like it was going to explose when dd was tiny and ds was just 2. Could not handle her crying while I tried to deal with him, queue me cocking everything up trying to sort everyone out at the same time! Now I know its ok to let them cry. You are still there you arent leaving them for hours and not caring, you are listening feeling v guilty and sorting your eldest out. I promise you after 6mo it gets sooooooo much easier!

Ceebee74 - DS1 was ready to train months before, but I put it off until DS2 arrived as I knew I was having a CS and wouldn't be able to lift DS1 onto the loo for a few weeks.

I have found that my DS2 is better at getting himself sorted out with sleeping as well. He gives me a big grin now when I put him in his cot .