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Parenting

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Original poster

Do we or don't we say something?

29 replies

MistressSeuss · 03/04/2009 18:42

If you were friends with someone, and were concerned by their health and their baby's, would you say something?

Even if it would sound like you were criticising them?

My baby friends have been really supportive, and picked up my PND and helped me through it, startiing with prising my son off me so he would play with the other babies - it was hard to take initially, but they were right and we are so much better for it in the long run - but I am beginning to avoid conversations with this other mum(as are others) because despite chats all together about similar problems we are afraid of upsetting her/ having her feel we were ganging up when really we are concerned as we spend most days with her, and can see problems?

We genuinely want to help.

What do you reckon?

OP posts:

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IheartEASTEREGGS · 03/04/2009 18:43

Depends what the problem is I think...

Original poster

MistressSeuss · 03/04/2009 18:55

5mth old baby, fed her 7times in one/half hour yesterday as everytime she cried, she got boob, fed her constantly for 1hr today never puts her down to play, never settles her to sleep - she cries constantly in a low cry. she doesn't bath her much as they socialise every evening so gets put to bed 11- she sitsa up watching tv with them yuntil she falls asleep on one of them, thinks routines at 5yrs old, weaning 9mths, she used to sleep for 9hrs a night at 3mths, but now "wakes to feed" ever hour etc etc

Her baby is very close to mine in age as whilst mine is giggling/banging things etc its easy to forget the other baby is there

I'm not being smug before I get flamed as I make loads of mistakes too, and as I say have had PND, but am concerned maybe she does?I know this may all sound trivial, and I have many different friends with differemnt approaches to childcare, but neither mum or baby seems happy- I certainly never see baby smile as in 4hrs she is olways on her boob!

OP posts:

moondog · 03/04/2009 18:57

What is the issue. That she breastfeeds a lot??

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cockles · 03/04/2009 19:04

Frankly , she sounds like she is responding to her baby's needs in a way that is perhaps foreign to you. Breastfed babies need to feed on demand, however weirdly often that may seem, and sad to say it is not abnormal to be waking every hour for a feed all night, I know, I lived through it! As for bathing, weaning etc, sounds perfectly reasonable. SUggest you bite your tongue & do something more helpful than gossiping with your friends about her.

DSMaryMagdalene · 03/04/2009 19:04

What?

She feeds her baby a lot?

Does the mother seem in any way depressed?

Original poster

MistressSeuss · 03/04/2009 19:05

I'm breast feeding too (and had a ravenous boy who fed every 1.5hrs for the first 6 weeks) so no thats not the problem, but if you spend all day with her you realise that that is all they do, that she falls asleep at the breast, lies there then starts again and that its one of many things that make me think things aren't quite right with mum.

We have all managed to get to 6mths bfing, helping each other through the difficult bits so that really not the issue, its more than that

OP posts:

Original poster

MistressSeuss · 03/04/2009 19:06

I did demand feed too, please, I'm trying to be helpful as I am concerned she too is depressed

OP posts:

IheartEASTEREGGS · 03/04/2009 19:06

doesnt sound like a problem, just sounds like she parents differently to you!
Its one matter if you feel the mum is unhappy and you want to ask if she is ok without upsetting her, but its another matter entirely if you want to tell her you are concerned about her health and her baby's health because she seems to breastfeed a lot!!

Original poster

MistressSeuss · 03/04/2009 19:07

sorry I do still bf (doing bedtime feed as I type!!)

OP posts:

IheartEASTEREGGS · 03/04/2009 19:07

you demand fed your baby, she is demand feeding her baby, who clearly has different demands!

LadyOfWaffle · 03/04/2009 19:08

My god, is it me? DS is 7m, bugger routines - He is on my lap feeding/sleeping alot - cries 75% of the time when I put him down, so I don't. And we stayed at a friends until 10.30pm the other night . To me, it sounds normal.

TheMightyBoosh · 03/04/2009 19:09

You know your friend

However if thats all there is to it I wouldnt worry toomuch; people have such vastly different styles of aprenting. hers isn't that different to mine- ds4 is one 9well next week). Demand feeds several times a day, is up with me until i go to sleep (good reason for that but anyway).

TheMightyBoosh · 03/04/2009 19:10

And yes ds4 did the whole crying when put down bit until he was mobile- then (at 6months) he was away- still clingy but if everyewhere now

LadyOfWaffle · 03/04/2009 19:10

"she falls asleep at the breast, lies there then starts again " I do this. DS is happiest there. He used to sometimes go in his moses basket next to me, but he's grown out of that now. I can easily feed 7 times in 30 mins

thirdname · 03/04/2009 19:11

difficult to tell without "seeing" them, but..

That was actually my favourite time, for dc to do so, so I could spend hours on the computer (on mn...).

As all dc coslept they would sit next to me or dh whilest watching tv etc, and yes, would evenyually fall asleep quite late

Original poster

MistressSeuss · 03/04/2009 19:13

Thanks for your help - I will just leave it, as you say, they are all different, as I well know, I just know what my PND was like and really don't want a friend to go though it too - but as you say, I am new to this parenting game too so will leave be.

Thanks

OP posts:

Lawks · 03/04/2009 19:13

MistressSeuss can you explain a bit more about what you think the problems are? From what you have typed so far, I can't see anything wrong with what they're doing, but it seems as though you are concerned about the baby, so maybe there's more to it that what you have put down so far?

IheartEASTEREGGS · 03/04/2009 19:16

If you are worried that she may have PND then perhaps you could start a general conversation about PND and talk about your experiences and how things changed for you when you reached out for help, in the hope that she starts to open up about any feelings she may have herself?
Just a general chat though, dont mention that you think she BF's too much or seems to be doing things differently as that will just make her feel worse if she is depressed...

Lawks · 03/04/2009 19:17

x-post

Lindenlass · 03/04/2009 19:20

Ok PND isn't caused by being emotionally responsive to your baby and having your baby prised off you is just horrible and not necessary at all - in fact possibly harmful.

Maybe your friend is suffering from PND, but what she needs is support to parent the way she feels is best - she's not doing her baby or herself any harm at all by not having routines or keeping the baby up with them in the evenings.

If you feel she might be suffering from PND, then ask her if she thinks she might be. Say you've noticed her feeling quite worn down and unhappy lately. But whatever you do, do not mention her parenting techniques because you may well end up not friends with her at all!

MIAeatingeggs · 03/04/2009 19:22

MistressSeuss, it sounds as if you were trying to be a good friend after having good friends around you during a difficult time. Its good that you are looking out for each other.

kittywise · 03/04/2009 19:23

Well she might have pnd and have a demanding baby which contributes to pnd.

I could safely say that for all of my babies feeding 7 times in 1.5 hours was very normal!!!

If here baby is grumbly and sucky then that is very wearing. My last one was like it for the first 18 months of his life, all he wanted to do was feed, even now at nearly 2 he needs to suck frequently. Some babies are more highly strung, more in need of reassurance through sucking.

Original poster

MistressSeuss · 03/04/2009 19:24

Please don't worry about guys, I'm not up for getting flamed tonight as I had my first counselling session yesterday. I was trying to ask something anon as the other girls have mentioned it and I wanted to ask other people anon for their advice as I am wary of talking to her about it, as it may or may not be a problem and I do not want to upset her.

She is well aware of my PND and we are very open about problems so I would hope she could say something to us - I will leave be, thanks for your advice

OP posts:

CarmenSanDiego · 03/04/2009 19:28

wow, I did this with all mine - breastfeeding and holding them a lot and letting them sleep on the sofa/in my arms until I went to bed, then coslept. When they were toddlers, I'd put them in a travelcot in the evening until I went to bed. Doesn't seem to have done any harm. The fact she socialises every evening suggests she's not too depressed to me although that's only one factor in the big picture, obviously.

kittywise · 03/04/2009 19:30

Ms it's great that you are so concerned for your friend. the thing about depression as you know is that you are not aware you are depressed, you just feel 'bad'. it is also difficult for many women to admit to themselves or anyone else that they are possibly depressed as the see it as a sign of failure and inability to cope.

Just keep an eye on her.

I know that when I was really down i would actually really have appreciated someone ask me directly if i was ok. it would have given me a chance to simply talk about my feelings

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