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Original poster

Writing down dos and don'ts for relatives minding DS - good or bad idea?

47 replies

TaurielTest · 03/04/2009 15:24

DS, who is 9.5 months, will soon be spending the odd half-day with my mum, aunty or MiL. I'm very lucky to have such supportive family, but... he's never been taken care of by anyone but me or DP before, and I've been wondering about how best to ask/remind/persuade them to take care of him in the way we'd prefer. (Important stuff like safety and food, nothing too PFBish I hope.)
I thought about writing something down which could be given to all of them, so it didn't seem that I was being critical or personal. I just can't decide whether this would be tactful and sensible, or just really insulting. I think if I was in their position I'd welcome it, but might feel a bit sniffy.
What do you think?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MintyyAeroEgg · 03/04/2009 15:28

If your DS was going to a childminder, the childminder would want you to write a few notes about him. No one can know a baby as well as his parents! I would certainly do a list or notes (your relatives may welcome it) but be brief, don't go into minute detail about everything, keep your pfb radar tuned in as you write!

Why not draft something and post it up on here? You're guaranteed to get some forthright opinions

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 15:32

well, they've all brought up kids, so I'm assuming they know how it's done so you need to tread carefully.

What exactly is it you want to list? I agree, put it here and then we can judge you let you know if it's reasonable or hopelessly pfb

SoupDreggon · 03/04/2009 15:34

Bad idea. Especially if it's just the odd half day.

Just mention usual nap times and leave them to it.

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NorktasticNinja · 03/04/2009 15:36

It doesn't seem OTT to me, all children have their quirks and foibles and it's easier to look after them when you know how they are used to being handled. Definitely don't go into too much detail though (and do post your list here first).

BecauseImWoeufit · 03/04/2009 15:43

I think that if you have very specific concerns then you need to voice these now, with all the people who are going to be looking after your DS.

But be prepared for your views to be ignored/rubbished! It can be a source of real tension, made worse by the fact that as it's childcare by family members, and you're not (I assume) paying them, it's much harder to impose your wishes.

RedFraggle · 03/04/2009 15:44

I would write a very brief list of things like:

rough nap time
any tricks for getting him to settle
any favourite foods
if he has a tendancy to crawl into the toilet and drop things in....

That's about it really. They will only really need it the once so just a scribbled note should do it. My Mum always asks me for a rough guide if she is babysitting for us. It is much easier to be told by the parents than have to discover for yourself.

PortAndLemon · 03/04/2009 15:46

Brief notes are absolutely fine. A 20-page cross-referenced magnum opus (as some MNers have prepared for their PFB and subsequently cringed over) is not.

Original poster

TaurielTest · 03/04/2009 15:49

Judge away. (My aunty hasn't raised kids actually, but she was a nursery head, so yeah, she knows her stuff.)
My list would be:
safety - not leaving him alone in highchair/bath (or at all really, he cruises climbs and falls a lot ATM), doing up straps on buggy/carseat etc.
drink - just water, no juice/squash please
food - trying to watch his salt and sugar intake so no sweeties or crisps please
... er, there's more, but I'll be back later!

OP posts:

LIZS · 03/04/2009 15:50

Only the things that really matter like sleep, allergies, rough meal times not just preferences. Show them how to put up the pushchair and fit the car seat. Presumably they can read labels and use a telephone if all else fails !

BecauseImWoeufit · 03/04/2009 15:51

No judging from me!

But be prepared for the food/drink to be ignored! (Different generations, different views, etc)

hotcrosspurepurple · 03/04/2009 15:52

I really wouldn't.

Except maybe on the water and sweets/crisps

but you know they will do it anyway

SoupDreggon · 03/04/2009 15:54

Um, No to the 3 things you've listed so far!

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 15:55

yeah, they'll just ignore that bit

ok high chair yes, safety. good to be sure

sweets - it's once in a blue moon. is it really a big deal if they give him a treat?

crisps yes, very salty.

rubyslippers · 03/04/2009 15:56

i used to give my MIL a list of sleep and feed times and if necessary, times for meds

other than that i left them to it at this age

if your aunt was the head of a nursery, she will know not to leave your child unattended as will your mum and MIL

PortAndLemon · 03/04/2009 15:57

The safety stuff does seem rather obvious -- if I were looking after someone's 9-month-old and they gave me written instructions not to leave him alone in the bath I would pull a face (well, without the ears) and think "yes, and I won't be dangling him out of a first-floor window or holding knife-juggling classes either".

But warning them that he's got a lot more mobile recently and has a penchant for climbing on things seems more reasonable.

It's a bit of a fine line...

thumbbunny · 03/04/2009 15:57

I have to do it for DH when he's minding DS for more than a couple of hours! Including detailed instrunctions on how to feed him...

pavlovthepregnantcat · 03/04/2009 15:57

bad idea, they will ignore them and then not have any excuse, so you will have to take action/say something and it will be awkward.

If they give him something you don't like, they can say 'oh sorry, we misunderstood' rather than we ignored your instructions completely.

Just tell them how you want it to be, what is important to you and DH, and then let them get on with it. DS will not suffer from it being done a little different. His naps wont be spoilt for the rest of his days, he will not lose his teeth for too much sugar.

But he will get a different experience from how you and your DH bring him up, and that is no bad thing.

LIZS · 03/04/2009 15:58

Be realistic, do you never leave him alone or turn your back occasionally , are thye likely to need to bathe him .... you can't really control what they give him to eat or drink and the sooner you can accept that the better all round

hotcrosspurepurple · 03/04/2009 16:01

the only way to make sure that you totally control his environment in every way is to spend 24/7 with him

and you don't wanna do that

even at nursery you would not have much control over a lot of things
he will be fine
just let it go
so they do things differently
and the point is?

pavlovthepregnantcat · 03/04/2009 16:04

I guess reminding them of peanuts might be required though, my MIL was quite happy to feed DD a reeses pieces when she was 9 months old, until i stopped her in that slow mo 'nooooooooo' type of behaviour!

Although, saying that, my best friend fed DD some peanut satay when she was just under 2 and I was right next to her with my back turned, so it just shows even when you are there you can;t control it! (oh i thought it was 2, my friend said, not 3!).

doggiesayswoof · 03/04/2009 16:08

I really wouldn't unless they ask.

My mum asked me to write down dd's "routine" when she looked after her as a baby, so I did. My dad and stepmum on the other hand said "when is nap time?" and that was that.

Be guided by them - and accept that they will feed him pretty much what they like, it's only occasionally so not a big deal.

fishnet · 03/04/2009 16:11

I always used to provide sleep times, medicine times (since they only really had them when poorly) where to find the food and what to give him (although that was at our house). I did have to tell PILs no honey, no nuts etc.

I think the saftety stuff is probably a bit too obvious and they might find it a bit patronising. You could however just make a comment along the lines of "gosh I've had a really tough time with him over the past cople of days because he's suddenly started to climb up/pull cables, stick his fingers into plug sockets/whatever else you're worried about.

And if going to their house I would buy them a stair gate, plug safety set, table corner prtector thingys and a car seat so that you know that the environment is safe. Again I would say, its so hard to watch him all the time and I know these things are expensive and don't want you to be out of pocket.

Others I'm sure will disagree but thats the approach I'd take

Mumcentreplus · 03/04/2009 16:32

I don't know..perhaps just a mention certainly not a note!..about water,food naps etc...aiming more towards advice than instructions.

but as others have said unless it's an allergy prepare for your wishes on food to be ignored and it's good for bubs to experience different things and new people/places

psychomum5 · 03/04/2009 16:39

I have to be honest........as I have raised a family myself (well, still raising obviously), I would feel very insulted if anyone gave me a list of safety advice and food instructions.

by all means say nap times, fave items to help sleep (ie, blanket or toy, dummy or thumb etc), allergies with food, how to make up the bottles of milk if on special formula (mine were), meds needed and type (ie, if teething then calpol/teething power etc).

oh, one thing you could say is if they have a fear of anything in particular. one of mine was extremely scared of dogs.......flames DD was terrified of the hoover. things like that are helpful

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 16:47

oooh, are we allowed to be honest?

I'd look at the list, nod politely then piss myself laughing as soon as they'd left. I'd probably keep the list to show it to everyone I know so we could all have another good laugh.

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