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Original poster

Writing down dos and don'ts for relatives minding DS - good or bad idea?

47 replies

TaurielTest · 03/04/2009 15:24

DS, who is 9.5 months, will soon be spending the odd half-day with my mum, aunty or MiL. I'm very lucky to have such supportive family, but... he's never been taken care of by anyone but me or DP before, and I've been wondering about how best to ask/remind/persuade them to take care of him in the way we'd prefer. (Important stuff like safety and food, nothing too PFBish I hope.)
I thought about writing something down which could be given to all of them, so it didn't seem that I was being critical or personal. I just can't decide whether this would be tactful and sensible, or just really insulting. I think if I was in their position I'd welcome it, but might feel a bit sniffy.
What do you think?

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IheartEASTEREGGS · 03/04/2009 16:54

Definitely not the things you've mentioned so far!!
If you trust someone well enough to leave your PFB with them, give them enough credit to not leave him alone in the bath or give him dinner consisting entirely of haribo!

purpleduck · 03/04/2009 16:55

"safety - not leaving him alone in highchair/bath (or at all really, he cruises climbs and falls a lot ATM), doing up straps on buggy/carseat etc."

mention don't write it down. Obvious-esp if your aunty works in a nursery.

purpleduck · 03/04/2009 16:56

Oh, and I would preface anything you say with "I know you already know this, but I'm just being neurotic..." or something like that

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psychomum5 · 03/04/2009 16:59

I might just do that too hecate

give your MIL and mum their due, they raised you and your DH well enough surely. I mean, if you have sense not to do said things, then clearly they did too otherwise you might just not be here!

sagacious · 03/04/2009 17:05

I once left a 6 page (front and back) A4 size essay for my MIL who was cat sitting

[thud]

[cringe]

Dc's get chucked in her general direction with a teddy bear and clean(ish) pj's

piscesmoon · 03/04/2009 17:10

I'm afraid that I would be like hecate and have a good laugh, although I would try to be serious when I nodded to you!
I think it is insulting to ask them not to leave him unattended in the bath or high chair-it isn't something that I would dream of doing.
You could just mention the water and what foods to avoid in passing.
There can't be a lot to say and you could just say it quickly the first time you leave him.

Original poster

TaurielTest · 03/04/2009 17:27

Blimey, didn't realise this would provide such a rich vein of humour

Point taken on the safety, I don't really think they'd leave him in the bath (but they may well need to bathe him, you should see the frequent teething nappy horrors we're having at the moment) - but I've seen mum and MiL not bother with straps etc. Maybe I won't write the safety stuff down, just mention it in an "of course you know already..." sort of way, good idea purpleduck.

Believe me, I wouldn't put the stuff about the food/drink if I hadn't seen MiL in action with her older grandchild and the chocolate buttons...

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Original poster

TaurielTest · 03/04/2009 17:37

Pavlov you're right about the different experience being a good thing, and I'm keen for him to have different experiences and build his own relationship with his relatives. I recognise that this isn't a professional employer-employee type relationship as we would have with a nursery or childminder.

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Original poster

TaurielTest · 03/04/2009 17:46

Is there nobody who's done this then?
I'm not expecting them to wear him in the sling, use cloth nappies, be strict about BLW like his clearly-ridiculous mother does, but he's less than a year old, I'd like there to be some consistency, and at least not have him fed things we don't want him fed.
Sorry, realise I'm sounding defensive here, I'm upset about leaving him at all TBH.

OP posts:

psychomum5 · 03/04/2009 18:13

you know, when I had my first, and was leaving her with MIL (only person she was ever left with when tiny), the only time I worte instructions was if she was on any medication, and nap times, and the particular blanket she slept with.

otherwise, I trusted her to look after her in the way she knew best as her grandma.

I also knew, that had I left long reams of notes, the babysitting offers would cease.........she raised her own son (My DH), pretty perfectly IMVHO, so why on earth would I imply she would not know how to care for her grand daughter?? Yes, things change over the years, but basic common sense doesn;t.

oh, and as for chocolate and similar.........surely it is the perogative (sp) of grandparents to spoil their grandchild in the way mums and dads don;t??

JuxaLOTmoreChocolate · 03/04/2009 18:15

Oh please do it. I don't see why you should be let off squirming with embarrassment in a couple of years' time, like the rest of us

emmabemmasmom · 03/04/2009 18:19

Oh I have. I have an entire list typed on the computer from wake up to bed time with every little detail of DD's schedule! I have printed it out and gave it to my FIL and also keep a copy on my desktop so when he (or anyone else) is here he can refer to it.

Now when I just say that it does seem a little weird, but my FIL tends to 'forget' as there are so, so many details. When he did the first over night he requested that I type something up for him a few days before so he can study! lol

Now he loves having it there and it just makes things easier as I don't need to explain to anyone anymore. I just open the document before we leave and it is all there, including what to do in emergency and emergency contact info.

Also, in a morbid way, my FIL said it was actually good just incase something were to happen he would know what to do...so in that sense it is good for peace of mind on everyone's side.

mersmam · 03/04/2009 18:24

I'd just write down the really important things to do with safety, especially for older people as advice changes... personally I am paranoid about choking so I'd be writing just a short list about foods that he shouldn't be given and that all grapes should be cut in half (my MIL never does that unless I remind her every time!!)

frogwatcher · 03/04/2009 18:28

Oh please dont do it - it is so insulting. If you trust them to look after him which you must do or else you wouldnt be leaving him with them, then trust them to take care. And a bit of chocolate isnt going to hurt at all. I think you will never know because they will hide it, but they will be so hurt. And they are being so good to help. A mention of when nap time is roughly and written instruction for medication but no more. I have said before on other threads that I think grandparents can find it quite wearing looking after little ones, and if a bag of chocolate buttons keeps them quite or an extra sleep gives the minder a rest then it comes with the territory. They are doing you a favour and will do what they have to do. I personally would be cross and retract all offers of help gradually over time, and then in later life have a real laugh with my mates over it.

happymango · 03/04/2009 18:37

I agree with the general consensus that you shouldn't write a list. It's good for your children to learn to be flexible and that different people have different ways. If you have a rigid regime, then you risk having a child who is really inflexible.

I also agree with mersmam about straps. I'm always more worried about a child choking when they're eating than them not staying in the highchair.

beckynbump · 03/04/2009 19:48

My mum asked for a list of things and also a kind of plan for the day. This was difficult as I didn't really have a routine but I did it anyway and it kept her happy.I also gently mentioned some safety things as well. I am sure that she just smiled to keep me happy, but at least I had said it. Its your baby, do what you think is right for you, I am sure that they will be fine, after all childcare has changed a bit (or so I am told) over the last 20/30 years.

Original poster

TaurielTest · 03/04/2009 20:02

Okay, consider me told!
Thanks everyone, from those who clearly think I'm bonkers to those who sympathise (and those who do both)...
I had the idea that something written that had clearly been given to everyone would seem more neutral and non-targetted than speaking to them individually. There are some things I'm more concerned about with MiL, other things with my mum, and I thought this might depersonalise it. But yes, I get the message, it's more likely to cause hurt feelings and offence all round unless handled very carefully.

OP posts:

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 20:10

I'm sympathetic that you're bonkers

pointydog · 03/04/2009 20:12

I think do's and don't's would be fairly insulting.

Just write a little list of basic routines like when he eats and meal suggestions, where things are kept.

piscesmoon · 03/04/2009 22:02

'.........she raised her own son (My DH), pretty perfectly IMVHO, so why on earth would I imply she would not know how to care for her grand daughter?? Yes, things change over the years, but basic common sense doesn;t.'

Lovely to hear someone sticking up for MIL-I agree that someone who raised the man you chose to marry is perfectly able to cope with her grandchild for a few hours!

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/04/2009 22:13

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Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 03/04/2009 22:17

I don't think that things change-my MIL wouldn't do it!

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