arguing in front of dcs, what is and isn't ok

[minxofmancunia]

Me and dh disagree on this one, he thinks not one cross word, ever no debate no disagreements as he thinks it may "damage" dd. This in turn leads to us having blazing rows when she's in bed as I've had to bite my lip all day (not everyday just sometimes)

Partly to do with his rather adolescent response I expect if i say anything he doesn't like he loses his temper extremely rapidly, but thst's another issue.

I personally think dcs should see adults disagreeing and making up, saying sorry, reaching compromises etc. They need to see that differences of opninion aren't dangerous and can be overcome.

Unfortunately we do sometimes degenerate to raised voices in our household which I know ishorrible for dd and I hate myself for shouting.

Would just be interested to see what others think, dh says because of the nature of our (rather volatile) relationshi we can't have "minor" disagreements as, as a couple we're incapable of it and everything (he) blows up.

I think we need to learn to discuss things. apprpriately, would like to know how others deal with this issue.

DW has two middle-aged extremely alcoholic parents and grew up in an environment of constant arguments, sometimes violent; fear and irrational punishment, lots of irrational behaviour. She has learned this behaviour from them and has no concept of discussing things quietly, or waiting till DC is in bed, or even keeping her voice down when DC is asleep. Frequently DC gets woken up because of the blazing rows which I am sure half the street can hear.
My own parents never showed any disagreement ever. Only once I was out of the house - me the youngest of 3 kids - did we get some idea that they sometimes disagreed and smouldered. As a result, I have no way of dealing with the violent argumentativeness of DW - I never witnessed arguments in full flow on any level, never saw resolution. It is fair to say that I have always avoided any kind of conflict and find the incessant rowing with DW, whom I love very much and who can be lovely when the dark moments of anger are hidden away, impossible to deal with. DC is 18months and is suffering. I hate it absolutley. What can I do? She refuses to go to counselling. It would be hard anyway due to language mismatches - we have plenty of misunderstandings due to not having a common language. Anything remotely intellectual gets misconstrued.

My parents absolutely never argued in front of us children - until they did. Heavens, I was devastated. When they broke their own rules, they really broke them. It was a real toe-to-toe, eyeball-to-eyeball screaming match, including a rant that included one parent leaving, taking the children (me and sis) and going to live elsewhere. I was so scared I went and hid in a cupboard and cried. I believed my world was ending and I hoped they would never find me in there. I had never seen a row - any row, ever, and didn't know how to cope. Personally, I would rather they had had some minor disagreements/low-level rows in front of us. I would then have been more prepared for a worse one. Also, looking back, it was maybe not the best idea to break a BIG RULE with a weapons-grade fight.

PS - they never followed through and are still together at nearly 80. My DH and I only ever seem to have small rows, and after my traumatic experience, I decided it was best to just "decide the issue", kids present or not. They just seem to accept that we don't always agree, just like DS and DD fall out sometimes, and make up when the time is right. I do feel that if DH and I were prone to huge, vitriolic fights, we would save them for after DCs' bedtime. Although, tbh, they would hear them from the bedroom, which could, in some ways, be worse?