arguing in front of dcs, what is and isn't ok

[minxofmancunia]

Me and dh disagree on this one, he thinks not one cross word, ever no debate no disagreements as he thinks it may "damage" dd. This in turn leads to us having blazing rows when she's in bed as I've had to bite my lip all day (not everyday just sometimes)

Partly to do with his rather adolescent response I expect if i say anything he doesn't like he loses his temper extremely rapidly, but thst's another issue.

I personally think dcs should see adults disagreeing and making up, saying sorry, reaching compromises etc. They need to see that differences of opninion aren't dangerous and can be overcome.

Unfortunately we do sometimes degenerate to raised voices in our household which I know ishorrible for dd and I hate myself for shouting.

Would just be interested to see what others think, dh says because of the nature of our (rather volatile) relationshi we can't have "minor" disagreements as, as a couple we're incapable of it and everything (he) blows up.

I think we need to learn to discuss things. apprpriately, would like to know how others deal with this issue.

I think it boils down to whether you're rowing like adults really. All-out screaming, threats to leave, or hissy-fights aren't adult arguments, and set a bad example (because even if the make-up sex is fabulous you're hardly going to let your kids see it).

Arguing yes, reaching an agreement or a compromise yes, losing your cool or acting like children - no.

it's also worth bearing in mind that if you're having blazing rows while the kids are in bed, the kids may well wake up and hear them anyway. And there's nothing worse than lying in your bed lisstening to mummy and daddy screaming at one another if you've never seen them fall out in your presence.

"I personally think dcs should see adults disagreeing and making up, saying sorry, reaching compromises etc. They need to see that differences of opninion aren't dangerous and can be overcome"

True. I had a boyfriend whose parents never ever had a disagreement in front of their children, my ex grew up thinking that any kind of disagreement, however small, was a sure sign that he was with the wrong person.

Having said that, I think that disagreements are OK as long as you don't end up shouting at each other, calling names, etc. Above all, no matter how bad the disagreement respect should prevail...

DS witnessed my dh saying sorry to me last night after argument. We had a hug and while we were hugging I hope he didn't hear me saying 'you are a miserable bstrd though' !!

My parents argued behind closed doors which was quite confusing, horrible and fake. Think it's true that you can almost smell tension in the air sometimes.

It is very important for children to learn the skill of peaceful negotiation and conflict resolution.

Please do disagree in front of your children. And then negotiate and compromise, if need be, peacefully in front of them too .

DwayneDibbley - you are right and you obvioulsy speak from bitter personal experience.

On the very rare occasisons me and my wife disagree publicy I like to end it amd move on.

WowOoo - yes children can easily sense the tension even if nothing is being said. Surely hours/days of unresolved tension is more dreadful than a brief arguement.

My mum and dad never argued and I really thought they must have the perfect relationship when i was growing up. I gradually realised that in fact they do not communicate at all beyond small talk. There is also a lot of suppressed anger and passive-aggression.

The result of this was that I had no iea how to handle negative emotion. I am learning from dh who grew up in a family where people were honest about their feelings but also had love and respect for each other.

I want my dcs to see how I feel, most of the time. dh and I argue in front of them, but we try very hard not to lose it and insult each other. I explain to the kids why we were arguing, and (after I have calmed down!) that we still love each other. I tell them things like "I was very angry with daddy because I felt he was being very selfish."

We disagree sometimes and have discussions, but no name calling and shreiking (we leave that to the neighbours across the street, ho hum)

Also, I do tell DH he is being lazy when he is sitting reading a book next to a pile of laundry that needs putting away.

DD quite enjoys this, as otherwise she would feel she is the only one who ever gets moaned at (or told hse is late).

Once she put DH on the naughty step for sticking his tongue out at me behind my back...

I think children need to see that everything is not always perfect and lovely or one partner always giving in to the other and that disagreement, even between people whoa re close does happen... but I do think households where there is simmering anger, hatred, carping, snideness, bitterness and drunken rowing (oh, my brother's house) is detrimental for children.

Although we try not to me and DH have had the odd row in front of the DC's. The DC's do get upset and say they don't like us arguing. I have said to DD (5) that occasionally people disagree just like when she and her friends argue and fall out in the playground about what game to play etc. I tell her that after we have argued we always talk and sort it out and say sorry if necessary and become friends again, just like she does with her friends in the playground.

Explaining it to her in this way seems to help her understand and be less scared/upset when me and DH row, but of course I'm sure DD's playground disputes are not quite the same as our rows!

Quite agree anniemac.

Another thing my mum does is wait until my dad leaves the room then moans about him to me. She didn't do that when I was little but I think it had started by my teenage years.

I always hated it and as a result tend to tell dh what I think right away, in front of kids or not! I've had some horrified looks from my mum when this has happened....

I would prefer to shout less in front of my DS and regret my short fuse massively. I keep trying to keep a lid on it but it doesn't always work.

DS (15.5mo) doesn't seem to be upset about the noise, but he does watch us when we row - so he's taking it in. One possible knock-on effect is that he takes very little notice of me when I shout at him not to do something potentially dangerous - this is a Bad Thing.

My parents always had open "discussions" - but Dad didn't "do" rows, he used to walk away which drove Mum nuts. DH claims he never heard his parents exchange a cross word - which may be true but MIL says she and her DH used to have rows sometimes. Less than my parents, probably because DH's dad was very ill and died when DH was 17.

Another thing in my family - all our discussions were loud - both my parents were political, and my Mum used to have very Loud Discussions with her Dad (who was a communist and a wind-up merchant) so we were very used to Loud Discussions and it was our norm.

DH also tries to win arguments discussions by Raising His Voice more than mine - you can imagine how loud that would get!

I would agree that sulking and behaviour of that ilk is passive aggressive, childish, pathetic and counter productive.

I've HAD a couple of friends who've been sulkers but gradually phased them out because I couldn't stand their immmature manipulative behaviour.

MiL sulks and huffs and puffs, if she does it in our house I ask her straight our what the problem is, if she says nothing and continues to sulk I'll ask her to go out until she's got over what ever it is, I'm not having that sort of poisonous atmosphere as an example to dd.

I DO wish I shouted less though, my Mum was a shouter it's become normalised to me. My sister sulks and freaks out if anyone raises their voice because she says she still has bad memories of me and Mum arguing when I was a teenager.

Finding the balance is v difficult.

Unfortunately both me and dh are strong willed, stubborn, argumentative there's no "laid back" person to balance it out. Amd of course dd is the same she's exceptionally strong willed even for a 2 year old!

There's no chance of this bump I'm growing being anything but either! It's going to be very noisy!

Yes you are right mix. I was recently complaining to a friend about how strong-willed and stubborn my 3 dcs are and she replied "well just look at their parents." Then she told me I could have 100 children and I still wouldn't get an easy-going one.

I think it's great you ask your MIL what's bothering her. Wish I could do that with my mum and dad, but I think that might just result in a "nothing" plus almighty sulk.

Should say minx.

he he he - yes, our DS is strong-willed and stubborn as well - we each blame the other for the trait! While knowing full well that he gets it from both of us.

At least DH and I don't sulk for long - I used to be a dreadful sulker when young, but have got progressively better - DH can sulk for about half an hour, I can manage half a day tops now (and only for serious things) but we always end up clearing the air.

I had this conversation with my stepson last week, as his mum and dad (who have pretty much always lived separately from each other) have a no arguing in front of the kids policy. I've not brought my two kids up that way and so they're much more able to cope when we do have a row. My kids understand that almost everyone rows and sometimes say mean things, but I know that they still feel secure. My stepson said he worries and feels insecure when he's heard his dad and I row (he lives with us full time now). So I had to explain all these points to him. I do believe its better for them to learn life skills such as this.
My friend said her parents never seemed to row and she felt very sheltered from a lot of situations, but she agrees it's made her a lot less able to cope with anything less than harmony.

I reckon disagreement is fine, along with resolving the disagreement (or agreeing to live with it).

Shouting, rude or hurtful behaviour are unacceptable in any form. That applies to children and adults!

I think that dissagreements between parents can actually be a healthy thing. Only if any quarrels are resolved. If there is an issue which cannot be resolved then this should wait until the children are in bed, or out, as the case may be. If children do not see minor dissagreements being resolved in a "safe" situation, then they will not be able to learn how best to reach amicable agreements with their peers. a really important part of disagreeing is an ability to debate issues, if this is not learned in the home, then many children would find it difficult to do so in the school environment. Children need to learn that others have differing opinions to themselves and it is okay to have your own opinion. There is nothing worse than hearing youngsters screaming at the tops of their voices in order to get their "point" across.