Do you go the extra mile for your children or do you say its 'good enough'? Sorry, I think I'm ranting!

[frumpygrumpy]

I tend to go the extra mile and currently wondering if I am doing them no favours............ for example:

I have 3 children, an 8 year old and two 4.5 years olds. As I dropped the younger ones at nursery I realised I had left their dressing up outfits at home (for Comic Relief). I nipped home and went back with the outfits.

I'm having some problems with DT2 atm as he is being really clingy about everything and never wants me to leave him. I am working hard at the problem (my oldest daughter was like this and we worked our way through it). He was crying when I dropped him, I quickly kissed him and I said I was off to get the costumes and that I'd be back in 15minutes and that we'd have a hug and kiss and say cheerio then.

When I returned the nursery girls said he was all settled and that I should not see him because it would just set him off again. They said the kids weren't even bothered about the costumes. I explained that I had told him I would see him to say goodbye when I came back, the girls mumped and moaned a bit and said it was up to me.......and I let myself be persuaded.

I'm angry at myself because I should have gone with my gut feeling. I want him to face saying goodbye, he has to get comfort with that. I don't want to sneak around not upsetting him. When I say I'm going to do something, I do it.

Or maybe I'm just going too far. Maybe I need to stop going the extra mile and trying so hard.

Sorry, I don't even think I need you guys to waste your life with this.........I think I just needed to let off steam and send it into the ether.

I'm not even sure what my point is

I can understand why you wanted to go through with what you'd said. Although if it was me, and actually with dd1 it was like that as she was very hard to leave at playgroup so on one occasion when I had to go back for a cardi for her (it was cold that day and I'd forgotten) I didn't even tell her I was getting it much less tell her I'd see her again. She always settled fine within 30 seconds of me leaving so I discretely passed it to one of the assistants and went. I could see she was fine and if I went to her she would start getting upset again.

I have always found these appear to be tears reserved only for mummy and didn't last so I reasoned there was nothing actually wrong and she enjoyed playgroup so I stopped worrying about it.

Thanks for replying

I have done the same when we've left a coat or wellies or something. Its just that today I felt we had an agreement.......anyway, its done now isn't it.

Its not a problem contained just to nursery atm. I'm having a problem at everything with him. Gym class, dance, parties, swimming, its not one specific. As I say, my oldest girl was just the same but DT2's resistance is a bit stronger.....it gets wearing when you have tried everything possible. I have tried empathy, and being gentle, I have tried rewards, I have tried being firm and getting mad, I have tried ignoring it altogether.

Frumpy its friday and you just gotta let it go- today may be a valuable lesson for him-if he asks why you didnt go back to him you can remind him he was having fun and you didnt want to disturb him and the day isnt so long you would soon be seeing each other again.

I have always gone the extra mile for our dc -my mum didnt and Im ok - I think sometimes we can put to much pressure on ourselves to be the 'perfect mum' here are just a few crazy examples I am guilty of-

I wash bedding 1x a week- on wednesdays I turn the mattresses and hoover it and febreze the pillows if i dont do this i feel guilt .......

My ds1 has a brace he has 4 different toothbrushes such is my fastidious way hes 15 and I check hes using them hell im ashamed to admit I often brush his teeth for him.

my children have only ever been taken to school twice by someone else and ds1 leaves this june.....I was in hospital having a c section !!

When my ds1 was at playschool he didnt talk so every monday I would write a note for his leader to read so he could share his 'news'.

I still lay out all dcs clothes the night before

Im stopping now im ashamed.

nick, you've made me feel magic Thank you, I'm giggling after reading that. Shall we start FreakypantsUnited?

thanks girls, rant is soothed.

, ive always taught my kids to be self sufficent, at 5 we'd make pack lunchs together- at six they'd do it themselves, all the older kids can iron clothes, get uniforms and whatevers needed for school, use the washing machine and dryer, and the teenagers can make dinner for up to ten people if they want to..... its called life skills, they need them. i would be ashamed if my kids got to uni and didnt know how to look after themselves.....having said that i have sn kids too(adhd ,& developmental delayed)and i pander to their every whim...they arent as "ready" as the rest of the kids, the little one might never be able to look after herself. point is if the dc are still little, just enjoy bing mummy....but when they get bigger get training or you'll end up still doing everything for them when the dc are 40!.

nickchick re you doing your 15yr olds teeth, ive got too remind remind my tribe to do their teeth too.... have tried every novelty toothbrush , makes no difference. somethings a mother has just got to do!

By drlove8 on Fri 13-Mar-09 10:15:51
, ive always taught my kids to be self sufficent, at 5 we'd make pack lunchs together

At 5 I was still cutting their sanwiches in love hearts with a cookie cutter

• at six they'd do it themselves, all the older kids can iron clothes, get uniforms and whatevers needed for school, use the washing machine and dryer,

OMG I dont even let my dh use the iron lol- my ds1 who is 15 doesnt know which is which between the dryer and the machine....

and the teenagers can make dinner for up to ten people if they want to

lol I even weigh out their ingredients for home economics....

.... its called life skills, they need them. i would be ashamed if my kids got to uni and didnt know how to look after themselves.

they can look after themselves (with my help )

....having said that i have sn kids too(adhd ,& developmental delayed)and i pander to their every whim...they arent as "ready" as the rest of the kids, the little one might never be able to look after herself. point is if the dc are still little, just enjoy bing mummy....but when they get bigger get training or you'll end up still doing everything for them when the dc are 40!.

our dc say they will never leave home .....cant think why.

nicks chick- freakypantsunited .

frumpy

I know why Im like this ....my mum died when i was 11 and i literally had to do everything for myself after that I was working full time hours after school and 'missed out' on being a child/teen.

By drlove8 on Fri 13-Mar-09 10:21:24
nickchick re you doing your 15yr olds teeth, ive got too remind remind my tribe to do their teeth too.... have tried every novelty toothbrush , makes no difference. somethings a mother has just got to do!

nickschicks- pmsl at the ortho......, still better to have funny looks than falsies at 20yrs old! lol.... re the cookie cutter,my toddlers love gingerbread man shapes sandwiches! . am thinking you need a day off .... you must be exhausted! go pamper yourself..... go on, you know you deserve it!

nickschick, I think I want to marry you

i am one extreme or the other i think...i will (albeit huffily) iron uniform that hs spent the night wadded up in a school bag but i will NOT deliver ds's football kit to school when he has forgottn it for the third week in a row (and i did deliver it the previous 2 weeks)...

is that the sort of thing you mean?

i'm totally 'good enough' and that's it. but i get what you mean about this morning, frump, a deal's a deal iykwim? i always say goodbye to dd even if her lip is going, i just don't like the idea of sneaking away.

If I tell my son (sorry I'm new here so I don't understand all these abbreviations yet e.g. DT2!) that I will do something then either

1. I will try my hardest to do it.
2. If I don't then I will explain why I didn't (and I will try to explain to him before he asks me why I didn't do it.)

I hope that this way it will build up trust so he will know that there is a (good) reason why I haven't done something and won't worry.

You should never sneak away that makes them more insecure in my experience.
And if they forget home work, pe kit whatever I would make them deal with the consequences I cannot abide parents who bring kit in for 11/12 year olds or refuse to allow their child to sit a detention it's pathetic.
What will they do if the child ends up in front of a judge, send a note ?

Sorrento at ds's school unfortunately detentions are given out for really stupid reasons and whilst I am v fair sometimes I do wite a note to the teacher asking for a detention to be done at lunch or after school or in rare instances saying ds will not be doing a detention bcos the reasoning behind it is wrong - well ds1 is 15 and lately they were discussing(dunno why) the powers of arrest and the fone call they may be allowed to make - they had to write on a paper whod theyd call .....several kids wrote 'xxxxx's mum'(me) when the teacher asked why? they all agreed a letter from me tends to sort things out .

By frumpygrumpy on Fri 13-Mar-09 14:03:13
nickschick, I think I want to marry you

Frumps xx 'form a orderly queue lol'

Then you undermine the teachers authority, it's not for you to decide if the reason is stupid IMO.

sorrento - if a teacher leaves her class bcos of a few students messing around (not my son) a replacement teacher arrives and gives the trouble causers a detention .....then the original teacher gives another detention to the whole class ....she deserves to be undermined.

If a teacher locks an exterior door after a fire alarm locking children in a quad area(who were there cos theyd escorted younger children bck to their class after being asked to by a senior staff member) and then refuses to open the door despite seeing the kids there and then when another teacher opens the door they get into the class she refuses to allow them to join in the lesson and issues detentions -thats unfair surely? the staff member whod asked them to escort the children was absent for the rest of the week so couldnt explain.

those are 2 examples of what i consider unfair .....

Agree with Sorrento

another teacher gives out detentions if less than 7 stripes of the tie are showing - i think thats daft but they can count so 7 stripes it is!

What ever you think, how ever wrong you believe the teacher is if you show your child that then you have lost the game, same with your partner.
It doesn't actually matter what the reason is the point is that the teacher is in charge and has that authority.

I'd make the kid do the detention and then take it up with the teacher later otherwise you get smug little bastards that say my mum will sort it out with a letter.

Tis true Sorrento

Oh I dont think it happened like tht sorrento - i think i sent the note in in a sealed envelope explaining ds version and the teacher reconsidered and told the class none of them would have to do the detention.

The locked out of the classroom same thing but I did say he wasnt going to attend bcos his safety was threatened by her locking him out - she did apologise on the fone tho.

Im not unbearable and quite often I say to ds good job im not your teacher you would be having a detention for that.

I remember being given a class detention and not going as I knew it wasn't my fault and the teacher was stupid. I ended up doing the detention anyway on another day with all the naughty kids who'd not shown for the first detention 'cos they were naughty kids. I know I was 11 and I know my Mum agreed with my reckoning that the teacher was rubbish! Let your kids learn to argue their way out of silly detentions given by daft teachers.

I childmind and today after playgroup we saw the Dad of 22 month old. I wound down the window so he could say hi and give her a kiss, she cried all the way home! I agree with keeping your word, but I also know kids can get distressed if they see their parent briefly when all was well before.

Let your kids learn to argue their way out of silly detentions given by daft teachers.

I completely agree, if mummy makes it all better then how do they learn, all you do is tell the child they aren't capable and undermine authority, I didn't suggest teachers are always right and shouldn't be questioned.