Not sure if I'm cut out for this

[Silverymoon]

I've name changed because I'm not sure if I want this to stick with me, so if anyone I speak to often recognises me, please don't mention this when I'm under my regular name.

I have a 20mo and a 6 week old and am not sure if I can do this.
Sometimes I feel like my dc's deserve a better mum than I know how to be.
Dh is not the best at emotional support tbh and when I've tried talking to him about it and telling him I'm not sure if I am or will be a good parent he just tells me to stop being stupid.
dc1 was a difficult baby and I didn't feel it got any easier until he started walking and got that bit of independence at 13 months. I also forgot ow hard it is with a newborn and didn't think through how I'd manage with a baby and a toddler in tow. Sometimes it just gets too much. It doesn't help that at least one of them is crying all day either due to frustration and anger, dc1, or wind and boredom dc2.
I am so tired and I know dh is too, he has to work all hours so I can be at home with dc's whivh is what I wanted and I'm not sure if I'm finding this harder than it should be, whether I need help or whether feeling like this is normal.
I can forget it all in the day, lets face it, the lo's keep me quite busy, but then at this time of night when I am up with the baby, I just sit here and cry.
It's not fair on my dc's, they deserve so much better

hiya, you sound exhausted
lack of sleep makes everything soooo much harder, doesn't it? My two were 17 months apart, and it really is hard work to start with.
BUT it DOES get better - you are a great mum, I am sure (just keep telling yourself that you are!) If you manage to get through the day and the DCs are clean, fed and watered, consider it a huge achievement. If you are clean, fed and watered too, then its a MIRACLE!!!
I was a bit at your DH telling you to stop being stupid. Although if they are not doing any of the night shifts etc, then they do not really know how hellish it can be. You need a break at the weekends for example - just leave the DCs with your Dh and go for walk/coffee/etc for a couple of hours - it will make you feel loads better.
Take care

Sounds like you're a good mum who just needs a bit of help during the initial difficult times.
In our area homestart offers loads of great help and support, heres their web site:
homestart
Good luck, hope it helps.

Is there anyone you know at all who could come in the day and play with toddler while you feed lo, then cuddle lo while you play with toddler.
It is so hard, isn't it? You are constantly torn in 2 directions, and there is no time at all for yourself. DH should be thankful if there's even anything to eat when he gets in.

My dd(3) was a v difficult baby, and I think this has been good preparation for ds (5 weeks)
I am lucky in that my older one can do quite a bit independently- I have no idea how I'd manage if she were 20mo.
Just remember- your youngest won't remember any of this time... and your toddler is unlikely to remember any either- just do what you need to do to get through.
And keep chatting on here when you can- keeps me awake during night feeds, and is a sanity saver.

It is always just a phase.

Hi. Can't be bothered to keep name changing, and don't suppose I should feel ashamed of how I'm feeling, it's not like I'm saying anything really shocking that I deserve to be stoned for!
I'm still crying, ds1 keeps laughing at me. (He's 19m, I changed a few details in hope I wouldn't be recognised, but I don't care now). I just feel really guilty towards both of them.
My friends and family all said that when the baby arrived I'd just need a bit more help and support but where are they? No one even rings me, ok that might be because my mobile broke, but I do have a housephone that people have the number for.
I know it was my choice to have another baby now and it's my responsibility to look after them, not anyone elses, and I don't want everyone elses life to stop but it wouldn't hurt for someone to ring me and ask how I am would it?

You poor thing you sound knackered. You have probably just got through the most difficult 6 weeks of your life!

My DD1 was 28 months old when DD2 was born so a good bit older than yours and I found having the 2 of them very very hard.

This will pass but just now you need rest, support and practical solutions.

Do you have a sling? I don't think I could have managed without mine. You bung the baby in and then have your hands free to do toddler stuff. Calms the baby and is a kinda nice thing to do.

Here is some info (you can pick them up quite cheaply secondhand).
www.bigmamaslings.co.uk/zen-cart/

I have a cheapo motercare carrier, but it's not very comfy. Think I may have to strap baby to me around the house so ds1 can see that baby can be there but we can still do things. I'm also trying to get ds1 to stop hitting and kicking and throwing things at baby (who's 5 weeks, changed that too). Baby gets very unsettled at around 6pm for a few hours so think I'll def have to do it in evenings anyway, but I've also taken to laying on ds1's bedroom floor so he'll go to sleep without doing that awful high pitched screeching he does all day.

Do you get out? Do you have a mum friend so that you can moan together whilst you go to the park or something?

I managed to make friends with a neighbour when my two where quite young. We used to get together and moan about what a crap time we were having and how tired we were. It felt good just knowing that we weren't alone. Also we found that the older children would amuse themselves a bit together.

Having an adult who understands to chat to a few times a week kept me sane.

We get out as much as possible, but money's really tight too atm which is also annoying me, I hate having to depend on dp for money and I hate spending his money when I just want to scream and shout at him and maybe give him a good shake.
I don't really know many people here as we moved last year, I certainly wouldn't want to talk about all of this to anyone in the area or any of my friends to be honest. I don't want anyone in RL to know just how crap I am.

You need a comfy sling. Shame I've have just lent mine to my sister or I would have let you have it FFP.

If money is tight I bet if you asked on here somebody would have one that they would sell cheaply to you or lend you.

It really would help you.

I found I did anything I had to to get through those early days. I slept with whichever child needed it so we could all get some rest, had cbeebies on quite a lot, took them out in the car so they would go to sleep and then parked and had a quick nap myself, and so on.

Don't feel guilty about things, this is about survival not perfect parenting at the moment!

The one thing I didn't do enough was ask for help. I found out afterwards that everybody thought I was coping really well and so didn't offer help. If you have people around you who could help out or just come and keep you company then give them a ring and ask. People might be trying to give you space and not realising that you need support.

Gotta go out now but will look in later.

Hi there,
I don't have much to add - just wanted to send you a big . My DD and DS have the same age gap as yours and I remember feeling exactly the same way - it IS exhausting, and you're NOT a bad mum. You're just shattered! It does get easier - I promise, but there's no doubt that it's tough. Don't be so hard on yourself - I don't think there's a mum alive who hasn't felt like you do. I bought the book 'How To Be A Happy Mum' (publ. by sh! netmums). I'm not sure how much practical advice I got, but reading it definitely made me realise I wasn't alone, or going crazy, or a bad mum.
You won't believe it now, but in a few months your 20month old will be doing all sorts of things that make life easier - getting their own shoes and coat when you're ready to go out... running to get the nappy you forgot when you're changing the lo... and even gasp potty training so you'll only have one bottom to change! Life is going to get better and better - and you'll start getting sleep again, too.
Hang on in there!

By the way - don't forget that 6 weeks old is exactly when everything goes a bit haywire - all those post pregnancy hormones going away and your baby on a growth spurt... 6 weeks is always a tricky time. It's not you!

Just a quick answer to your last post.

I bet you aren't being crap. I bet you are just like the rest of us. You are knackered and doing something very very hard with little support.

Honestly I found having two little ones the hardest thing I have ever done. I often felt like I was being rubbish because I was tired and impatient and sometimes just plain hated the whole experience.

Most mothers feel this way at some point and it is nothing to feel ashamed of or guilty about.

Sounds like you need more support from your DH.

Sorry got to go. Hope you have an ok day. Keep posting on here you will get loads of support and good advice and no-one will judge you.

Thank you all. Your kind words and reassurances have helped. Glad this all sounds pretty normal.

It does get better. Mine are now 2.2 and 8 months and we moved to a new area when DD2 was 5 weeks old even further away from family and friends.

In the meantime I second everything Beachcomber said. Cbeebies is still my friend quite a lot... And do try to get out and meet people (note to self - take notice of advice you dole out to others)

You are doing a great job just getting through the day.

He's just done it again, he called to see if I'd booked him his doctors appointment (he's quit smoking but was told after a box of patches to see the doctor), he can hear that I've been crying and asks what's wrong. I just want to tell him to get lost, get out and leave me alone. That's bad. I also want to tell him to feel free to spend the rest of his life sleeping on the sofa.

Thanx robino It does feel at the moment like every day's a battle to not have a nervous breakdown. Maybe that's a slight exageration, I don't know.

Oh I really feel for you - I have totally been there and it is so so hard.

I have a 2.4 year age gap between my 2 and the first couple of months were awful even though DS1 was still going to nursery 4 days a week so at least I had a break - and it was still hard so I can't imagine how hard it would be to have them both full-time.

My DS1 was also quite aggressive towards the baby so we introduced a reward chart and he got a star every day he managed to not make the baby cry - it worked really well (although he still has his moments!) but I think your DS will be a little too small for that.

But I just want to add that it will get easier - DS2 is now 16 weeks old and life started to settle down a few weeks ago.

But, if you had asked me 10 weeks ago, knowing how hard it was to have 2, whether I would have had another child, I think my answer would definitely have been no. It was, without doubt, the hardest time of my life.

Sorry meant to add that now, a few weeks later, I love having 2 children

Cry away SMS. I had several occasions where I flipped out before OH went to work and he had to go in late. And I still occasionally demand his early return home..........

It does sound like your DH might need to step up to the plate a bit more. Yes, he's working all hours so that you can be at home but you're not at home sitting on your bum with your feet up are you? You're looking after your family. And, when things even out a bit you'll be looking after the house and all the junk that goes with it. I often have to remind OH how much easier his life is with me at home than if I was out at work. He wouldn't be able to wobble out of bed at 7 and essentially leave all child care to me from then on so he can leave at 7.45 - we'd be up at 6 and both of us would be full pelt so we could be at work by 8. He usually comes home to washed shirts, cooked dinnerm vaguely tidy,clean house.

And as for the sleeping on the sofa - I could kill my OH when he gives me a lie in and then goes back to bed for a couple of hours anyway!

Having one is hard enough but when the 2nd one comes along it is incredibly hard.
In fact it is utterly pants for a few months!
We have no relatives in this country and had no help till DD2 was about 1 and I paid a girl to take her out for 3 hours two mornings a week to give me some head space.
Nothing really worked for me except time...
Now they are 5 and 2 yo and play together so I can ignore them, mumsnet, get on with things...

I know it's not much comfort when you're in the thick of it but things will slowly get easier.
Hang on in there! And do talk to other mums about it, we've all been there!

You're all right. I'm not just sitting on my arse doind nothing. The day I got back from hospital I was down Tescos with both babies doing the shopping, cooking dinner, cleaning the house and all the rest of it. Even on the days since where I have been back at the hospital with severve pains de to infections in both uterus and bladder, I've come home to at least do the ironing. He is such a tosser. I picked the baby up the other day and he's come through his nappy, was soaked through and was crying so i asked dp to get me another vest and sleepsuit, but he couldn't just do it, he had to huff and puff and mutter for fuck sake under his breath, and he wonders why I always tell him not to do me any fucking favours. I'm coming off subject now!
Anyway, better get on, have a docs appointment in an hour for an allergic reaction that's randomly come on and isn't fading. I personally think it might have something to do with 7 courses of anti-biotics i was on through pregnancy, the 4 courses of AB's I had through labour and the 3 courses of AB's I've been on since delivery. My body must just be screaming to be left alone now!
Should I mention my feelings to the doctor or is he likely to just chuck me a bottle of prozac?

Bloody Hell SMS. You sound like superwoman to even be standing after all that let alone shopping, cooking and ironing. I never iron. Might be worth mentioning it to doc, you might get an enlightened one.. and they can't force you to take prozac.

Sounds like you don't have much support, and I think it's that resentment that eats away at you.
Try to rise above it and concentrate on the babies- they are only this small for a short while, remind yourself of that!
I would be having serious words with DH btw- if your family aren't being helpful then he is your lifeline and needs reminding of that!

Thanx robino. I don't think dp understands or even sees how hard this whole thing has been from start of pregnancy tbh. I think I'll mention it to doc if he/she asks.
Really must run now or will be late.
Thanx for all your help. Will no doubt be back later.

Can you afford some help?

(Please take some acidopholous, or any other proper 'friendly bacteria supplement' from a health food shop, to replace the friendly bacteria in your gut that have been killed off by the ABs and avoid sugar and sweet things for a while as they feed the bad bacteria which is also naturally present there and it gets out of control.)