Feel totally worn out and no option of a break ...how do others cope...?

[OlderNotWiser]

Thats about says it all really. How does everyone else do it? I feel close to cracking up at the mo yet my children are no harder than average, and in many ways I am luckier than average...DH tries to be supportive, we are not too skint.

But I am just so totally shattered and demotivated at the moment, just from life, no special reason for it. I have a high octane but needy, cant-entertain-himself-for-a-nano-second 3 year old, and a super clingy 18 month toddler that follows me round and whines at me all day...both have perfected the art of tantrumming of course. DS2 wakes between 4.15 and 5.15am, DS1 did before him and so I have been doing earlies for over 3 years now and every one of them these days makes me want to cry. I share it with DH in fact, but I seem to have become something of an insomniac and wake even when I dont need to, as early as 2am sometimes, and wont be able to get back to sleep. Im finding myself putting the kettle in the fridge and such like at the mo. Just not on top of things any more.

Sorry, waffling a bit...getting back to the point, how do people cope when there are no options of childcare, respite etc? Other than just getting on with it...?

Should say DS1 does do 5 hours of pre school a week, DS2 wont be left with anyone so no chance of a break from him.

Sorry to hear you are so down. I think sleep deprivation plays a huge role in how you perceive these things and it sounds as if you are running on empty and have been for some time. If your two are waking regularly in the night, this probably contributes to their less desirable behaviour too. So I would work on getting their sleep sorted so you can get a decent night's sleep too. I don't have any childcare with my three and know I need to sleep (esp as I am 7.5 months pregnant with number 4) so do nip any sleep issues in the bud AS SOON AS THEY PRESENT THEMSELVES! I am a great believer in getting on with things but do think that this is easier said than done when exhausted (sleep deprivation is not used as a form of torture for nothing!) Could you take some time to think about what can honestly be done about the night-time wakings and then have a plan to adopt when they wake in the night? It is easier to leap into action if pre-determined, otherwise, I used to find myself just doing whatever so I could get back into bed! Good luck.

Could your DS1 do a bit more pre-school? My DD went to pre-school every morning at his age ie 15 hours a week. And maybe you could get DS2 to nap a bit while DS1 is at pre-school so that you have a little down time for you.

Do you have any help in the house at all?

Thanks for replying moshi, and yes, sleep deprivation is a killer. But we have tried everything over the last few years to get them to sleep longer believe me...leaving them, going to them, wake to sleep method, milk, no milk, coming in with us, staying put etc etc. But they simply wake early and want to get cracking! Apparently I did as a child too (Karma come back to bite me on the bum!)

Earlies aside they generally sleep ok and dont wake in the night too much...so didnt ought to complain really!Sigh...

First of all sending you a big hug. We were living abroad when my two were toddlers so can sympathise re the no support network.Not sure if I can really offer any practical solutions, but just wanted to remind you that this situation won't last forever - its is just a phase and it will get easier. Early waking is a killer. I have posted on this before - I used to park my son in front of a Thomas DVD and go back to bed for an hour. An added bonus was that he would then be ready for a nap late morning thus giving me another couple of calm hours. No prizes for brilliant mothering, but it did save my sanity.

My DD has never needed much sleep (at 4 she barely needs any more than I do) and I always found that the best way for us was to put her to bed at the same time as me. I still get up half an hour before her on school days.

I go to work!

Seriously, mine are a bit like yours - in age and temperament (and waking times...grr). Work does help - I find it much easier to cope because I have time away.

When I was on ML, I had a few things that helped - once they were in bed, I got into the bath with a glass of wine and left dh to tidy up. Always. A life-saver.

And occasionally (maybe once a month), I would plan a Saturday or Sunday afternoon when I'd go for a walk, take a book to the cafe and mooch round the shops on my own.

It will get better. I promise. I know this from looking at parents of older children - they get more self-sufficient and less full on as time goes by.

What do you mean ds2 'wont be left with anyone'??
Some people have to work and their kids have to be left with other people.
Sounds to me like your children control you very well. How will you cope when he 'wont' go to school.
Could you leave them with a choldminder maybe even one morning a week just to give yourself time to have a coffee and read a magazine etc?

I havent asked for a while BonsoirAnna but think preschool are full at the mo...will check again tho. But I would feel a bit mean sending him more just because im knackered....which I kind of know is daft, Im not a barrel of laughs to be with anyway, but maternal guilt is a tricky and irrational thing.

I do have a bit of help in the house...DH gives the boys breakfast before he goes, we share bedtime routine one boy each, I do most of the rest of everything.

No no no you mustn't feel guilty sending DS to school because he has become too much for you to cope with - that is part of the point of school .

When I said help in the house, I meant a cleaner or a mother's help or something. Could you not get someone in for a day a week for say a six-week stint to help you get some rest?

Its really interesting to hear what others do, and reactions to what I have said too. Thanks everyone.

mosschops...well yes, its true, some children do just have to get on with it childcare wise. But not all settle quickly, a friend and her DS went thro months of hell with childcare before he finally seemed to accept the situation. The crux for me is that I dont have to put him in childcare since its not for work, its for time out for me so I guess I would feel very selfish if he wasnt settling.

I have tried tho, repeatedly, to leave him for an hour at a time at a local creche that DS1 loves but every time they come and get me because he is so distressed...he wont even be held by my mum etc

You will have to put him in childcare if you become so run down and stressed that you cant look after him.
I would recommend a childminder or nursery, leave him/them there for one morning a week (which is a tiny amount of spare time for you) and that can be time for you.
Could you and dh also take two boys alternate nights, because doing it the way you do, neither of you get a break because youre both doing one each.

I feel for you but something does have to give or you will not be able to cope and you will have a breakdown.

I always feel knackered because I spend all day every day looking after other people's children! as well as my own family and house and studying part time too.

How I cope is to pace myself.
I don't pretend I can do everything because I can't!

You need "me" time and for me that time is when I go to bed early. Sometimes as early as 9 o'clock!

Also, my house has never been so untidy but what is more important? A tidy house or a healthy mummy?

I also find that with holding sex because I'm too tired is a surefire way to get DH to take over some of the chores, if only temporarily!!

Also, get your iron levels checked as aenemia is easy to miss but can be hard to live with, I know from experience.

snicker...oh yes, have indeed thought wistfully of going back to work! But 2 lots of childcare costs...eeeek!

mosschops...feel like Im being told off by you in a firm but purposeful way I do indeed need a bit of a 'for goodness sake' shake up tho. Too easy to get stuck in a rut, only seeing what is right in front of you.

I will enquire about care for DS2...if only to find out how they would handle the clinginess/hysteria. Writing all this and reading replies has made me realise how attached at the hip me and DS2 are. Thats not all his doing, lets face it and long term not good for any of us.

And the guilt! I feel guilty entertaining the idea of a cleaner or home help, at leaving DSs, of anythign quite frankly. Must get a grip. DH has been telling me to get a cleaner for ages.

I am my own worst enemy it would appear

Anything waking them up at that time? Light coming in/dawn chorus/ road noise?

Have you got a lock on the bathroom door? I have a bath at 6.30, when they children are all fed, bathed and ready for bed. That half an hour is mine! No guarentees with my lot that my evening will be my own as one of them will reappear several times before 10 pm

Make their tea in the morning. You want that last part of the day to be as effortless as possible, as its the shittiest part of the day.

Make sure you eat little and often through the day (try to keep it healthy, I reach for biscuits/crisps/cake anything for a quick energy surge). Have a snack when they have tea, often its a time when our blood sugars low and it makes things worse. Exercise if you can, it'll help give you head-space and energy.

Can anyone come and look after DS2 at home? Give you an hour off for a swim or something?

Lol yes consider yourself told off

I just think that as well as mothers we are still women and deserve to have time to have coffee with friends/go to work/have a treatment/have your haircut in peace.

Having children does not have to equal them being attached to you for the next 15 years, it doesnt do you or them any good

Purepurple - I second what you say about going to bed early. Dh used to work evenings sometimes when the kids were very little and I would have a bath and go to bed when they did! ONW - this is as hard as it gets. It's the toddler stage which is the killer re sheer physical exhaustion. Mine are two years apart - I think it must be even tougher for you.

X-post! Get that cleaner. Don't be a martyr, you are knackered. You need some help. I have one and it makes me a much nicer person to my children.

I think that with clingyness it is very often the 'goodbye' which is the hard part. IME once the parent has walked away, they can be distracted out of it. My 19 mo is very clingy and I haven't left her yet, and I am dreading it (pfourthb).

Ohfor...no we have never found a reason for the earlies...it happens summer or winter, light or dark, quiet or not etc!

Ah. Damn. Just read the rest of your post. (Hides muffin LOL!) Yes, the worse I feel, the more rubbish I eat. Its so predictable isnt it? Thanks tho. Good advice.

In fact lots of good advice here..thanks to all, including those I havent replied to IYKWIM

Please please don't be a martyr. Get ds2 into some form of childcare and have some time to yourself. Yes it will take him a while to settle but you can't let it go on like this. Will he be attahced to your hip when he's 12? No, of course not. You have to start to let go and now is as good a time as any.

You will be happier, your children will be happier and your dh will be happier. How is that selfish?

Re clingyness (is there such a word) I think the longer you leave it the harder it is. Dd started two mornings a week at about 15 months and was a nightmare, ds went to the same place at nine months with barely a whimper. When we moved to Germany I left him with a German speaking childminder one morning a week just to have a break. He was about 18 months - it took him a few weeks to settle, but he did eventually. I also joined a gym with a creche (also German speaking!) and although he hated it at first he soon grew to love it.

I think the solution, assuming no major health probs with you or any of the children is to find the one most important thing that keeps you sane and let most of the rest go for a while. I could advise you to do what stops me from cracking up which is to make sure the house is tidy enough in the evening and putting out a little activity for the next morning but that's only cos I worked out that my mental health depends on a bit of order - hot baths and glasses of wine not so important and if I had the hot bath without tidying then I felt worse. I find the guilt more under control then because I don't get so cross with my three year old if I have a couple of hours in the day without dolls, bears and their tea parties scattered around. I tried childcare as an answer when really stressed out with trying for ds and dd being toddler but I did feel guilty cos she didn't always like it. Can dh take them or at least one of them out at the weekend? DH now takes DD swimming sunday am and it keeps me going to know I won't have to think about her and that she is really having fun.

oldernotwiser, a little bit of me thinks that maybe you like the idea of your children being totally reliant on you but not the practicalities of it

It does feel good to think you are the most important person in their life but you need your own space too!!

Have you fallen into the trap of thinking that if your children cry then you must be a bad mum?

Because it really isn't true, you know!
Children cry all the time and don't be afraid of it.
My last peice of advice is never be afraid to say no and mean it!!

I find the worn-out feeling is less to do with actually being tired and more to do with generally being a bit frazzled. Mind you, I've never got up at 4.15. I actually find that what makes me feel better is often stuff outside the house and children rather that more sleep. This might just be me though! So I would rather meet a friend in the evening once or twice a week than go to bed early.

I have a 3 year old and 1 year old, the 3 year old goes to pre-school every day for 2.5 hours which he enjoys and so do I. Unlike most of the other posters, I wouldn't use childcare for the little one if they didn't enjoy it and I didn't need it for work, I would find that quite stressful.

Purepurple...yes, theres probably something in that. DS2 is super affectionate as well as super clingy so there is a big plus side to his nature.

Its not so much that I feel Im a bad mum if they cry...but Im just so flat at the mo. Afternoons in particular I really am a hopeless, droopy, knackered mess of a mother on a short fuse who would happily ignore them if theyd let me. I guess therefore I feel they are so short changed already that the thought of shipping them off just compounds the guilt.

But will definitely come back and read this again tomorrow when Im less tired since I do need to act, this degree of tiredness is getting silly now, its been going on too long.
Lots to mull over, thanks.