please talk to me about when you had a second child and how it was

[AnguaVonUberwald]

DS is nearly 1.

DH is of an age where, quite reasonably, he is saying its now or never in terms of having a second one. (believe me this is a reasonable thing for him to say, and he is not pressurising me either way).

DH would like a second child but is not pushing me to have one, however he is clear that we can't wait much longer if we do want one.

I think I will want another one desperatly in a couple of years but am just not sure if I am ready now.

However, I have to decide if I want another one badly enough to have one now. (i.e. start trying to concieve within the next couple of months)

How close together did you have your children. Does anyone else have a two year gap between them? How does that work?

How much harder/easier was it with a second compared to a first and how about managing while pregnant with a toddler? (NB I am NOT good at being pregnant and had a horrible first pregnancy)

I feel like a year after having DS, DH and I are finally getting back to "us" - rather than just being sleep deprived parents. - does it take as long with a second one, or does it just not happen at all?

Also, DS is a really happy content baby, does that mean that my second one will potentially be much more difficult (a lovely thought planted by my mother, who for some reason doesn't seem to want me to have more)

Please tell me your experiances (Good or bad).

There is 22 months between DS and DD. I had intended there would be about 3 years between them, but she had other thoughts.

I was really worried about how the age gap would work and was pleasantly surprised at how easily DD slotted into our lives. DS didn't really notice her at first and didn't really have much jealousy.

I was sick with DD and the first trimester was difficult (always interesting as you vomit into the toilet while your 14 month old is giggling away).

I am glad about the age gap we have - they are 5 and 3 now and it is lovely to have nappies over and done with and they will play with each other a lot more now.

Comparethemeerkat (great name by the way, I love that advert). Thank you, that is reasuring.

I think that in time I will really, really want another one, so am leaning towards having another one in the near future, am just really scared by the thought of having to deal with two babies (plus won't be able to work till DS starts school due to money, so that scares me too - 3 years at home full time feels like a lot)

I'm 31 weeks pregnant with baby number 2, and have a toddler aged 2 years and 4 months, so whilst I can comment on your question regarding pregnancy with a toddler, I can claim no expertise on life with 2 children!

In lots of ways, this pregnancy has been easier because I've not had the time or the luxury of "being pregnant." I've just had to get on with things, even when exhausted. I've had to battle on through sickness, tiredness, back pain, the lot. I've surprised myself by being able to cope. I haven't taken to my bed for long periods like I could with my first, and to be honest, I feel a lot better for it. I haven't been consumed with being pregnant like I was first time around. A lot of the time I forget I am actually pregnant!

Most of my NCT group have now had their 2nd and they claim (I'm not sure if I believe them) that the 2nd baby is a lot easier and just fits in with life and routines. I'm hoping this is the case, because of course you don't get that culture shock you get when having your first.

Thankyou llaragrub. I can see what you mean about not being "consumed" by pregnancy as you are the first time, I supose you just can't be. I am also working two days a week, so will be interesting to see how that works as well.

ITs good to hear about a second baby "slotting in to your life"

Twins also run in the family, which is very scary, and something I am trying not to think about!

I also have 22 months between my dc. I found the pregnancy easier the second time round despite sickness and tiredness as I could nap in the afternoon when my dd did. I could also take her out in her buggy for a walk in the fresh air when I felt like it, or stick on cbeebies and have a sit down! Much easier than working full time during my first pregnancy.

tbh I found the first 6 months with a toddler and a baby hard as dd was very jealous, but the age gap is great now.

I will have 25 months between dc's, am currently pregnant with dc2, so again I can only comment on the pg bit, but have to say I have found it to be a nightmare, and particularly now as I come towards the end. I had a horrible first pregnancy, and this one has been worse! Nausea til about 21 weeks, then the SPD kicked in, meaning I'm really immobile, so can't get out with dd too much. But would agree that you don't have as much time to feel sorry for yourself and wallow in it.

Having said all that, I'm glad I've done it, and am really looking forward to dc2 arriving! (Not least because it means I'll never be pregnant again! ) I was desparate for a second though, and time is against me, so it had to be quick-ish.

bobsyouruncle, thats interesting, how long did it take your DD to really adjust? How old are your children now? When did the "great age gap" bit kick in?

Esme, I am also frightened of having a really horrible second pregnancy (the first was dreadful).

Time is against us too (due to DH's age). But while i think i will be desperate for a second, I am not yet at that stage, which makes it harder. On the other hand it really is now or never, its just that this fact is only just starting to sink in!

Mine are 21 months apart. I had PND after number 2, and he was NOT a sleeper, so I found it really tough to be honest...BUT, they are now 3 and 4.9, and are just the best thing for each other. They are great entertainment for each other and are (almost always!) the best of friends. I have no regrets.

Really intreasting thread as I am considering the same thing as you Angua. I also had a horrid first preganancy and not looking forward to another.

We also feel we are back to being 'us' and are not looking forward to starting all over again.

Its a difficult descion to make and sometime I wonder if a 'happy accident' wouldnt make life a lot easier!

I have 2 years and 3 months between my DD and DS and I think it's a great age gap. DS is 17 months now and they play together really well (most of the time!) and they adore each other, they're always cuddling which is so cute. I would also say that both of mine have been fairly easy so your mother is wrong!

I found pregancy ok till towards the end when I went 9 days overdue and was huge and really uncomfortable- my mum stayed and took DD out everyday which helped a lot.

I think that the second is easier in lots of ways as you know what to expect and are more relaxed about things. It is hard having 2 though, loads of washing, constant mess and hardly anytime to yourself. Also dealing with a tantrumming toddler and a hungry newborn is no fun but didn't happen too often!

My DH and I are only just getting back time to ourselves 17 months on though. I would definitley say that number 2 put more of a strain on our relationship - nothing serious just lots of competitive tiredness and irratability in the first few months.

It seems to be easier if you can have some time in the week with only one of them. I have friends who have a slightly bigger gap (2.5-3 years) so had DC2 when DC had started preschool and that seemed to work well for them.

Overall though I would say that the advantages of having 2 far far outweigh any negative points. I'm even expecting number 3 now!

lovely in lots of ways - dd adores ds. found i was more protective of baby no 2 than i ever imagined - found it hard to let dd near him to start with. easier now 4 months on when i am sleeping better and ds not quite so tiny. only say that so that if happens to you you don't get taken by surprise - love having both and much more relaxed with second baby

oh and def not quite so tired with second - could barely get off sofa with dd

Boardergirl, I am really worried about the strain on the relationship as I found that DH and I got so tired with DS, that we would just snipe at each other a lot, and not be very tolerant!

Great to here all the good stories though. Sounds like it will be a lovely thing for DS, even if hard for DH and I!

NB, I would use maternity leave pay to maintain some form of childcare for DS while the new baby was very small, so would have a bit of time with just one at least!

There are 21 months between my ds's. I must admit I found the first 12 months so hard, almost unbearable at times. DS1 was a great sleeper and had a good routine so I naively thought Ds2 would be similar. In fact DS2 was a very discontented baby, never ever slept at the same time as DS1 in the day and generally needed carrying much of the time.

I was home with them all week but worked weekend nights and found it very tiring but once Ds2 started walking and talking he changed. He became a much happier child, Ds1 started playgroup and life improved dramatically.

Now they are 4 and 6 and such amazing friends. Being close in age and both boys, they have the same interests and play together constantly.

All in all I am pleased I had them so close in age.

I have 4 1/2 years between ds1 and ds2 and then 19 months between ds2 and ds3 and i find life hard sometimes when they all want different things!

But i would say the gap between ds2 and ds3 is easier - they are closer and share more interests - ds1 is 8 and is very good with them but they dont play together and its easier to find things to do to amuse ds2 and ds3 - ds1 gets left out or ds2 and ds3 are bored!

I would say just go for it !

24 months and 2 weeks between DDs 1 and 2. My pgs weren't as difficult as yours was (I lurked a lot on your Am I in Labour thread, as DD3 was due in July) and I was working so DD1 was at the childminder through the day. I found it easier being pg when DD1 was still small enough to need an afternoon nap, as I napped when she did - when pg with DD3 I got no sleep during the days and it was a killer. It got difficult towards the end as I couldn't lift DD1 but she understood that and would lead me to the sofa to sit down when she wanted a cuddle.

And I found the change from no children to 1 more difficult than 1 to 2 (or 2 to 3, come to that).

I'd say go for it!

Angua- didn't mean to worry you but it is probably something to be aware of and maybe discuss with DH about how you'll cope together.
We have alternate lie ins at the weekend which helps with tiredness a bit. We also try and have a nice meal (steaks or curry usually!) together once a week. I think really trying to be tolerant of each other and thinking of us as a team rather than 2 sleep deprived individuals has helped - though I am still grumpy more often than I want to be!
Also sorry if TMI but I found that once we got our sex life back then be were both a lot happier and more tolerant of each other so imo I would try to make an effort with this after DC2.

21 months between my boys and sorry, the first nine months or so was a bit of a nightmare. I was trying to run around and stop ds1 throwing himself down the stairs/ deal with tantrums etc while breastfeeding an ultra clingy baby. There was no jealousy though.

They are now 2.5 and 4 and I'm so pleased with the age gap. They are inseparable, adore each other, and they both enjoy exactly the same things.

Go for it, just be prepared for a few tricky months at the start and grab any help you can get.

I have an age gap of 2 years 2 months between DD1 and 2. Honestly it was fine (I suffered more from isolation from friends and family due to distance than from having a toddler and a baby).

The age gap has always been good - DD1 was young enough not to be jealous and although they are very different in personality, they have always got on well. Now they are 11 and 9 and we have a 2yo boy as well.

I think small age gaps are better when you get 2 of the same sex but of course you can't plan for that

There is almost exactly 2 years between my DS's.
They are now 3 and 5 and the best of friends, they do bicker/fight but love each other so much, they are really close.
I was actually shocked by how much easier it was having 2 than what I had imagined. The second realy does just fit in and you are more relaxed as a parent.
Like you, I hated being pg but it seemed to go much quicker than with DS1. It was awkward during the later stages when I was huge (DS2 was a big baby) and DS1 wanted to be picked up etc, but not too bad.
I found that the early days with DS2 flew by, you know the night feeds will end soon, I almost enjoyed them more because I knew DS2 would be my last.
Both my boys were v good babies, DS2 prob more so.
Like you I felt a "now or never" feeling when deciding to try for DS2, I have friends who have had their second child just as the first has started school and have struggled as it is quite a shock after all those years. The eldest child has also felt more pushed out.
I would say that making sure your DS is involved and feels secure is important, I was very worried about DS1 getting jealous of DS2, other than that I love the age gap between my two.

I have an age gap of 23 months between DC1 and DC2 and 19 months between DC2 and DC3. I am pregnant with no 4 and there will be an age gap of around 29 months. So the smallest gap is around 1.5 years and the largest will be around 2.5 years. I can't comment yet on how the bigger gap will work, but I can say that the gap between DC2 and DC3 has definitely contributed to a very close sibling relationship where they adore each other. But I think it is more than being close in age that fuels this, eg they are both girls, the older sister is very nurturing and caring, they are on the same wavelength, since DC3 was around 13 months I have stopped work and been a fulltime mum and able to concentrate on the family and their needs etc.

The list could go on. I suppose what I am saying is there is no way of knowing how siblings will turn out and you can make certain choices with timing to try and avoid suituations.

For instance: (i) some boys close in age can be a bit aggressive with one another which is understandable with all of that testosterone buzzing around; (ii) my DH has an elder brother (15 months older) and a younger brother (8 years younger) and I can honestly say that the younger one seems to suffer from Only Child Syndrome. The one where he thinks the world revolves around him and he doesn't owe anybody anything. Despite being in his 30s he cannot see beyond his immediate needs and still runs to his parents with his hand out for cash despite being a responsible adult with earning potential (but recently made redundant). It doesn't help that his mum still calls him her baby and has treated him like one for a long time.

Obviously being a pregnant parent is harder work as you have [a] child/ren already to look after. Plus you are a little older and you may feel the difference in how your body copes with the pregnancy. But that is to be expected and nothing lasts forever after all so you will bounce back!

Also my first was a text book baby whereas my second was most definitely not, so although I was not a first timer, my first baby had not really give me much experience of what more tricky babies can present you with! But you are definitely more relaxed the second time as you can't spend all of your time worrying about number 2 with number 1 needing your attention too. I think it is fair to say that being a second/third etc time parent makes you less obsessive and more measured in your approach because you have to be. The sleep deprivation you come to expect after the first time, so I found with me, that because I knew not to expect much sleep for the first few months, I was fine dealing with lack of sleep until DC2 was settled and sleeping well.

Finally, as for personalities, all of mine are relaxed and chilled babies. DC2 was the most difficult baby with a touch of colic and very sensitive to light/sound etc. But with extra attention and patience (and the ability to zone out of her screeching, which sounded like a squealing pig), she soon became a happy contented baby. All eventually slept beautifully and all are amazing kids (biased mum here) now (aged, 2, 3 and 5) as they provide each other with the focus as a role model. So it actually becomes easier if you work on it in the early days!

I have no idea what to expect with number 4 but I am confident that it will be fine and whatever it throws at me, we will all manage fine. Everything always does. The relationship between myself and DH has only got better and I can see in a couple of years when the youngest is 2, a return to feeling completely full of energy as if I were a 20 year old again. I am sure I have got so used to always being a bit tired that I have forgotten how it feels to be full of energy! But having said that, I have always made the effort to keep training (keen runner/triathlete) with the kids to set a good example, to take them for fun runs in the buggy and to keep the endorphins going. I think if you manage to keep a positive mental attitude, then you can deal with almost anything that comes your way.

So don't worry about things you don't know will happen. You are very lucky in that you and your OH seem able to speak honestly about the future and your feelings about planning for a larger family. Lots struggle to speak the same language when it comes to babies and families!

PS There is never a good or perfect time to do things in my book. Grab life with both hands and take your opportunities when you can. You never know what is around the corner. Good luck!

DSs are 24 months apart and it was fine. Bearing in mind that I breeze through pregnancy and DS1 was an easy child. They're 10 and 8 now and the age gap has been lovely really as they are close enough in age to be friends (and enemies ).

PS My DC1 was also a great help (as was DC2 with DC3) when baby came along. They LOVE to help with their new sibling!

We have 2yrs and 5 days between our two and I think it worked out a nice age gap. Ds was still in nappies so it was just a continuation of carry those around. We did have a bit of jealousy from DS for about 3 months, but they have always been good company for each other even if they do squabble.

Two years between mine (one of each) - I think it's a perfect gap (same as between my brother and I in fact). Didn't really think about the second pregnancy (too many other things going on - actually felt a bit guilty about it at times). Both babies were quite easy - took me a few months to learn to juggle a baby and a toddler, but was so much more confident second time round. I would say it's hard work for a couple of years, but ultimately much easier. Dd and ds are best of friends and are at similar stages so they do lots of things together. Sympathise very much when you say you're just getting back to normal and not sure if you are ready - I actually found the decision to go for the second much harder than the decision to go for the first. I think you just have to go for it - I certainly have no regrets.