please talk to me about when you had a second child and how it was

[AnguaVonUberwald]

DS is nearly 1.

DH is of an age where, quite reasonably, he is saying its now or never in terms of having a second one. (believe me this is a reasonable thing for him to say, and he is not pressurising me either way).

DH would like a second child but is not pushing me to have one, however he is clear that we can't wait much longer if we do want one.

I think I will want another one desperatly in a couple of years but am just not sure if I am ready now.

However, I have to decide if I want another one badly enough to have one now. (i.e. start trying to concieve within the next couple of months)

How close together did you have your children. Does anyone else have a two year gap between them? How does that work?

How much harder/easier was it with a second compared to a first and how about managing while pregnant with a toddler? (NB I am NOT good at being pregnant and had a horrible first pregnancy)

I feel like a year after having DS, DH and I are finally getting back to "us" - rather than just being sleep deprived parents. - does it take as long with a second one, or does it just not happen at all?

Also, DS is a really happy content baby, does that mean that my second one will potentially be much more difficult (a lovely thought planted by my mother, who for some reason doesn't seem to want me to have more)

Please tell me your experiances (Good or bad).

I have a 17 month age gap between my two - which was planned but people thought we were crazy! THe last 3 months of my pregancy with DC number 2 was hard but in a way it helped my husband forge a really tight bond with our DD number 1. So when the baby was born our DD did not feel unloved or left out. Although sleep deprived I found the first year with two children realitvely okay. Because compared to a toddler a baby is a piece of cake as you have been there and done it and rightly or wrongly gave most of my attention to the older one.! I definitely found it more exhausting when the baby became active and it was race against time trying to anticipate which one was going to electrocute etc.. themselves first. However it has definitely been worth the hard work they are both best friends (although they fight occassionally) they are into the same things (toys / books /tv) and there isn't any jealousy as the eldest one doesn't remember life before the baby. Your relationship with your husband will take a dip again that is a given but that will happen whether you have a 2 year age gap or a 10 year age gap. I think what your husband has to understand that if you decide to have 2 + that he will need to be involved and more hands on (and that will be from pregnancy onwards not just when the baby is born).

We have 4 years age gap between ds and dd (I know its a much larger gap than you were thinking of). I had quite uncomplicated pregnancies (except dreadful morning sickness and anaemia) and although you can't rest half as much in the second pregnancy I found it to be manageable. I personally think that once your older child is about 3 it gets a whole lot easier to have a sibling around as they are that bit more independent. For example Ds was able to play games independently, next to me whilst I was breastfeeding DD or if needed he could get himself a piece of fruit or a drink (if I'd got it ready beforehand). Also you need to lift and carry your older child a bit less as they get older. They might sound like small issues but I found that they could have been a nightmare if I'd have had a tantrumming 2 year old.

Overall I am so glad we had 2 children and I am happy with the age gap. This way they have different interests but they can play together as well. Good luck, whatever you decide.

3 yr 9 mth gap between ours.

Upsides to a bigger gap:

-no double buggy
-older child sleeps well

• older child is reasonably independent in terms of dressing self, feeding etc
• not two sets of nursery fees if you go back to work

Downsides:

• they're not going to be peers, iyswim. DS is going to be 4 years above DD at school.

-you're essentially starting the 'baby years' all over again - just as your older one has grown out of all of that...

No guarantees how it will all pan out, really, except to say that once you've got another one you quickly cannot recall how it felt to just have the one...

Poledra, Who can believe its a year after that thread.

Thankyou all for your comments, yes I am worried about how DH and I will cope as I feel we have struggled as a couple sometimes since having DS, especially when really sleep deprived and stressed.

DH is brilliant at the father stuff, really really hands on and good with DS and I think we have worked really well together as parents. Its just the us stuff that I feel we have struggled with and I worry about how much more we might stuggle with it, if we have two young children. I just found myself becoming very snappy with DH about everything, and he wasn't perfect either

Its encouraging to hear about second babies slotting in, but I supose it all does depend on what kind of baby you have, and there are no guarantees.

I think I could just go round in circles and panic about it all, if we want to i think we just have to go for it.

Its just that I am really scared [pathetic emoticon]

Not meaning to be personal but I have found that what really affects my DH is lack of intimacy brought on by my exhaustion! So keeping him happy (which does turn out to be rather nice after all) does have a huge bearing on our relationship. Does that sound like it might ring true at all?

From speaking to friends it seems the worst age gap for jealousy is 18 months to 4 years.

When they are small the easiest age gap is 4 years cos the older one is at nursery/school, understands that mummy has to deal with the baby, is potty trained, can feed themselves, dress themselves, help with the baby a bit etc.

However they will never be playmates really because they won't have the same interests. They might play with eachother for short bursts but will probably get bored because the older one will think the younger one wants to do "babyish" stuff.

For keeping eachother entertained you need a smaller age gap which will be more hard work in the early days. Swings and roundabouts really.

i have 2 years 9 monthd between first 2 then 6 year gap then there there is 2 years 3months bbetween next 2 for me its worked well for me and found they do all get on

1 year and 10 days between DS1 and 2.
That was hard going but I am now reaping the rewards as they are really good mates to each other. And when they try to kill each other fight they are evenly matched.
However, I would not particularly recommend to plan for that small a gap.

DS3 came along 4 years after DS2, he is now 1. It was much easier looking after him; I think partially because he seems to have a fairly benign disposition (DS1 did NOT!), I new better what I was doing, and, see above, DS1 and DS2 played with each other a lot whilst I was looking after baba.

There was no jealousy problem with either gap for us.

IMO, go for it, 2 kids have so much fun together that even the most dedicated adult cannot give them, and there is never a "right" time. Take the plunge and go for it.

I have a 2 year age gap, almost to the day.

Second pregnancy was hard, because it is no fun having to look after a toddler while you're feeling sick / knackered. Also you can't sleep all the time. But then I had a horrible pregnancy, I hate being pregnant and I had no support (no family / no nursery / no nuffin).

Once ds was born, I found things really easy. I was neurotic and stressed when I had dd, but with ds I knew what to do and just did it. The stressful part of being a parent is still dd, because of the guilt, because she is older and more challenging, because I am on new territory with every new development. Tbh I have found that adding ds into the mix has not made much difference! Oh, except I now have a child who I can cuddle because he can't wriggle away . I spend much more time just enjoying him for who is is, and I don't worry about what he should or shouldn't be doing. Everything is a phase, so I just sit back and enjoy it, because in a blink he'll be off to school and I'll wonder where the time went.

Everyone told me that dd was "an easy baby" and that I would learn what it was really like when I had another. Well phooey to everyone. Ds was a DREAM compared to dd. Perhaps I just had really low expectations - He's nearly 1 and isn't even close to sleeping through the night so I'm pretty tired, but it's manageable. Also breastfeeding was so easy with ds (2nd child), but agony for months with dd (1st child).

In terms of age gap, I do wish I had left longer between them, but only because I feel guilty that dd was still a baby when I had another baby, and I wish I had given her another year of being my number 1 and only priority. I am very precious about dd though, so perhaps I would feel this way whatever the gap.

One other thing - the surge of love I feel when they play together or laugh together or share together is utterly overwhelming. It's a bit like how the love you feel for your child is awesome and mindblowing, and like nothing you could ever imagine pre-children. I feel the same when I see that my children love each other - it's like nothing I could have imagined before I had two.

I have 2 boys, five years between, was worried that I would not love number 2 as much as number 1, but hey presto I did. It is as if another seam of love opens up right inside you, like seams of coal inside a mountain if you know what I mean. DS1 was a fab help and right now they are having a blast together in the garden playing footy. I had two miscarriages inbetween the children. After reading all the posts it seems there is not much in it really.

The best thing about having two is that they play together and leave you in peace!