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Original poster

can anyone help re: my daughter attacking me

37 replies

rhksmum · 07/03/2009 16:34

I had to phone the police last night as my 11 year old daughter was pysically attacking me from 6pm to 1130pm
She has been hitting me for 14 months, wrecked the house, attempted to smash my laptop, had her brother by the throt trying to strangle him, has attacked my friend and her partner, refused to go to school on a few occassions.

We have a social worker asssistant involved, no that she does much, a worker from Intense Family Support but she cant help us any more as everything she has tried hasnt worked
We have now been re referred back to camhs but on the 2 other occassions they have refused to see us so I've not got my faith in that happening

Standby social work said last night that I wasnt to let her see me being weak, that I havent to cry in front of her, which is very hard when your beng battered black and blue and things being thrown at you, that I was to go in a room and pratice saying no in a firm voice and that will make it all stop

First crisis that I use for myself were concerned that her behaviour was going contribute to another hospital admission for me

She does get punished for what she does wether it be grounded/loss of privelagies(sp)/no friends in the house , I dont know what else to do
As I'm typing this she's kicking me, everytime I move away she follows and carries on doing it, even whenI told her the police were coming she just laughed, she's scared of nothin/no-one

If anyone can help with advice, services etc I would be eternally grateful because we cant go on like this and her brothers cant keep missing out on things or getting hit by her

Thanks for reading this

OP posts:
cory · 07/03/2009 17:41

What do you actually do when she attacks you?

I take it you are not physically strong enough to restrain her without risk of injury to one or both of you?

I think calling the police probably is a good idea in this case. She needs to see that there is someone who is capable of making her stop.

Do you talk about what happened afterwards?

It seems a very difficult situation: I would keep on badgering CAHMS as much as possible. And having a police record may actually help you to access services.

dilemma456 · 07/03/2009 17:41

Message withdrawn

dilemma456 · 07/03/2009 17:45

Message withdrawn

poshtottie · 07/03/2009 17:48

No real advice but my sister is going through something similar with her dd. She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD after been expelled from school. She is 14 but its been going on for a couple of years now.

hercules1 · 07/03/2009 18:39

You need to be far more insistent with social services. Sadly I've seen cases where parents have had to literally abandon their child at social services door in order to get more help (not done because they dont want them but because ss so useless otherwise).

hercules1 · 07/03/2009 18:39

I dont mean sadly as in teh parents were wrong to do it but sadly that they had no choice in teh end. It doesnt mean ss just then take the child away btw.

Coldtits · 07/03/2009 18:43

What did the police do?

Original poster
rhksmum · 07/03/2009 19:46

They said there hands were tied in what they could do, it was really social works problem to deal with her.
They did give her a good talking to, but she just smiled and tried to make out it was ok to do what she does. They told her that it wasnt acceptable and if it continued then she would be took to a secure unit(not that they would, bt I think it was to shock her). Not sure how much it will have helped but they were quite scarey when they were talking to her.
Shes still being cheeky and giving attitude just now which I'm hoping will fizzle out and not become what it has been since 6pm yesterday.

OP posts:
JaneSeymour · 07/03/2009 19:48

It soudns as though there might be something not quite right - for a child to be relating to you in this manner at this age. Has she been assessed by an educational psych or someone else who deals with difficult children?

nametaken · 07/03/2009 20:12

I think you did the right thing calling the police and even though she's still being cheeky now, I bet she has a good think about it when she's in bed tonight. Hopefully, they've scared her a bit

what started it all anyway ? Did she ask for something and you said no?

Original poster
rhksmum · 07/03/2009 23:27

It started because her dad was taking her out for dinner for her birthday, she was told to get a hat on as it was cold, she started being cheeky and I told her not to speak to me like that, she carried on and her dad told her the same so she stomped upstairs. He went up and told her to come down the stairs as he was leaving, if she wasnt going with him then he wasnt hanging about. He left and then she came downstairs and started screaming that it was my fault and then she started hitting me, I took her tv and phone off her and she just went mad and from there it just got worse.
It doesnt take much to start her of, we all walk on egg shells around her scared we will say the wrong thing and I will get hit again.

The police did say she needed a pyschological examination as this isnt normal 11 yr old behaviour and that they would put it in their report.

Standby social work phoned me back tonight and said they were doing an urgent report to area team social work for them to sort out an appointment with camhs.
She is fine at school, she sees the home link worker on a weekly bases, she has refused to go to school on a few occassions but thats all.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 07/03/2009 23:49

This is definitely not normal for an 11 year old

Mind you, if it is her birthday and her dad was taking her out to celebrate, then why did he leave without her? Odd. I can see that would wind her up.

Violence and hitting her mum is way beyond acceptable though.

JodieO · 07/03/2009 23:54

Have you spoken with her properly? I find it strange that an 11 year old would be doing that and even stranger that you would end up in hospital after she "attacked" you. Surely it can't be THAT hard to restrain a child? Not saying I don't believe you but I can't believe a child would be so different to when they were younger, was she always like that? What's made her so violent?

thatsnotmymonster · 08/03/2009 00:00

I take it you and her dad are separated? Is this part of the problem?

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 08/03/2009 00:02

it all sounds v serious and as though you and she badly need help..... are you and her dad seperated? what does he think?

is it worth having ww3 over whether she wears a hat?? a loyt of rubbing along with dcs this age is letting the small stuff go i find and not getting into battles every 5 mins.....

do you have any idea what she is so v angry with you about? she sounds v distressed to be behaving like this.

Original poster
rhksmum · 08/03/2009 00:02

Her birthday was wednesday and he arranged to drive up yesterday to take her out for dinner and then come back for her younger brother and take them both swimming, he stayed for about 45 mins trying to persuade her to come down the stairs and go with him, but she just kept saying dont know over, shrugging her shoulders, when she goes like this theres no persuading her to do anything, but once he had left she wasnt happy, I asked her if she wanted to phone him and tell him she wanted to go but she wouldnt answer.
She normally loves going out with her dad, its my youngest that doesnt want to go with him.

I just dont know where to go from here with her, I dont want tomorrow to come because I'm scared of what may happen and its a horrible feeling

OP posts:
themoon66 · 08/03/2009 00:07

rhksmum - I feel for you. Teenagers are a nightmare and girls start early (mine was walking on eggshellss stuff from about 10) But violence is not to be tolerated - whatever.

You need Custy for this one. She has ace advice about this age group.

I know your DD is only 11, but girls are 'teenagers' early.

Tortington · 08/03/2009 00:10

you did the right thing. she is culpable from age 10 and i would insist she were arrested if it continued. you did exactly the right thing

Original poster
rhksmum · 08/03/2009 00:18

Yes it is THAT hard to restrain her, when she kicks off she seems to gain alot of strength and after 2 hours of trying to do and keep my other children safe I'm exuasted.She has always had bad temper tantrums but when she was younger she could be strapped in her brothers buggy and she could scream, shout and kick out to her haerts content without hurting herself or anyone else. The violence started 14 months ago but for about a year before that she would scream, shout slam doors wreck things.

I'm not with her dad and havent been for a good 5 years, he only saw last night what its like, now he knows what it can be like he says he will try and help abit more but he stays in England and I'm in Scotland.

The reason I may end up being admitted to hospital is because I suffer from mental health problems and this isnt helping.

It wouldnt have mattered what she was asked to do, it would have kicked off. The hat that she was asked to get was on the stairs, it was cold and raining which was why she was asked to put it on. It wasnt a unreasonable request and and it wasnt because she wouldnt wera it that she got a row for it was how she spoke to me and her dad,it didnt warrant her behaving like she did

OP posts:
JodieO · 08/03/2009 00:25

I doubt strapping her in a pram when she was younger would have helped... dealing with the issue then would have rather than ignoring it. She sounds like she's distressed, I don't think children (and she's still your child, maybe she notices a differnce in how you treat her) of that age can deal with their emoticons that well and so she may need some help.

She wasn't born that way, as many people are so fond of saying, so she must have learned it somewhere. Help her and stop blaming her imo, she is still the baby you held in your arms 11 years ago. It's easy to forget that at times imo, bear it in mind.

themoon66 · 08/03/2009 00:35

strapping her in pram when little is whole other issue.

11 year old girls want you to talk to them like adults.

JodieO · 08/03/2009 00:37

An issue which may well contribute to the current one though, wouldn't surprise me.

Original poster
rhksmum · 08/03/2009 01:02

I'm not blaming her, I never have, I may have said that if this continues it may mean I have to go into hosptal, but its not her fault, its the behaviour she is showing and what I'm going through now. I'm fighting to get help for her/us becuse I know it cant carry on like this for her sake.

I realise that she is distressed but when you have soo many people saying no they cant help you or sorry your not a priority then it does start to pull you down, but I'm not giving up, I cant, I want the sweet natured little girl back. I miss her, I miss her hugs and the happy face when she comes through the door.

I know she wasnt born that way and if anything she gets more than the boys wether it be more time with me, afterschool activities, dancing, groups.

If she is doing this because she is angry with me then why is she attacking my friend?

Strapping her in a pram wasnt to ignore her it was to try and keep her safe and she would have been 4 or 5 and at that point it was only once or twice every 6 weeks or so and then she would go back to being ok. It wasnt long term would have been less than a year. At the time I thought I was doing the best I could and if that was wrong then I'm sorry. The violence towards me started 3 months before her 10th birthday

OP posts:
themoon66 · 08/03/2009 01:07

rhksmum - dont beat yourself up. I dont know what to suggest... maybe talk to her like she's an adult. But then she needs to act like one.

Sorry... am trying to help.

Mine is 22 now. Only now she's coming round to how much I love her. Only now saying sorry for being a cow.

Original poster
rhksmum · 08/03/2009 01:15

themoon66- I realise you are trying to help and it is nice to hear that it can turn out ok, so I guess there is hope for me and my daughter

When I try and talk to her she always says she doesnt know why she does this and that she still wants to be here with us, but then she goes off again.
when she is asked by the social worker she does the same, shruggs her shoulders, but she will admit that its wrong and she shouldnt be doing it, its just trying to figure out the bit inbetween bit and put the pieces together

OP posts:
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