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Parenting

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Original poster

DS1 (3) refusing totally to bath and getting hesterical and destressed and dh is insisting he baths regardless

48 replies

Sails · 06/03/2009 23:05

Its awful and destressing to watch and my main issue is how dh is dealing with it. He refused to bath tonight- not unusual I'm trying not to fuss about it too much. However dh tonight forcibly undressed him and ignoring all his screams and by this time histerics he plonked him in the bath and got on with bathing him. I did not approve at all but I was otherwise taken up with ds2. He then removed him to take him out of bathroom (v v small bathroom) and at this point our distressed screaming child apparantly scratched dh. DH then shouted very aggressively ds1 cried worse dh came to find me saying he wasn't going to fetch him at he only wants me and he was scratching him! I went into bathroom and ds1 was incredibly distressed at this point standing crying in a full bath. As you can imagine he was extremly difficult to put to bed tonight! Dh has done this before (last time on wednesday.)
Basicly I think we should not make an issue of bathtime at all even if that means that he doesn't bath. Both my mum and mil have seen him at bathtime and have had there share of trying to deal with him and they both say he is a genuinely distressed child not playing up. However when I suggested this aproach dh said no he is going to be bathed regardless. Or sarcasticly replies oh lets allow him to be filthy shall we or I tell you what let him smell then or even "if we do that he has won hasn't he?" I just reply what would you rather have a stressed child? Fell out majorly and I was in the wrong apparantly! Am finding this distressing as he is normally a happy child with a very "sunny" disposition and doesn't normally behave like this. Certainly never scratches!

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2shoes · 06/03/2009 23:10

could you swap and let your dh have ds2 whilst you deal with ds 1, could it be ds1 is after mums attention iynwim.
not bathing every day won't kill him, he needs to discover the fun of matey and bubbles and stuff like that,

KingCanuteIAm · 06/03/2009 23:11

Well I agree that he should not get away without having a bath. He does need to learn that baths are non-negotiable. However, I don't agree with your DHs approach either. Being strong and just doing it anyway can work when a child is playing up or trying it on but it never works with a really distressed child.

How good is your ds's language? Could you negotiate with him? Perhaps you could do a strip wash using water from the bath for a while (keeping the bath invloved to keep the link), then move on to a strip wash standing in the bath...

Or, do you have a seperate shower? I know a lot of children like showers if you take the head down for them. I say seperate because it would need to have the bath link removed if ata ll possible...

It all sounds very distressing for you and your child (and your dh too really) I hope you find a way through it soon!

KingCanuteIAm · 06/03/2009 23:12

Ooh yes, JelliBaf (or whatever it is) start out with it in the tub, playing over the side and build up? (I hate the stuff usually but everything has its place!)

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2shoes · 06/03/2009 23:13

He does need to learn that baths are non-negotiable.

why?

KingCanuteIAm · 06/03/2009 23:14

Ok, not baths really, more washing in general!

FairLadyRantALot · 06/03/2009 23:14

it is distressing to see, isn't it, and hard to know what to do.....
will your son wash or even shower? If so, that would be plent for now on hygiene concerns! Or is he water phobic?

I think it would be good to try out "waterplay" , anything to do with water will do, if he tolerates it and eventually he will hopefully come to like it!
His fears are quite normal at that age....all my boys ( I have 3) went through it, but all went from hating to loving it
Also...you said the bath was full...not the best idea for a watershy kid....would he maybe tolerate a very low level?
Have you been able to maybe get some hinters about WHY he fears it?

Original poster

Sails · 06/03/2009 23:15

I agree it won't kill him if not bathed everyday! Its more a case of rediscovering the fun of bubbles etc as he used to enjoy his baths! Have tried swapping doesn't seem to work!

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2shoes · 06/03/2009 23:17

can I suggest you just stop bathing him for a while, just do a strip wash(and let him help) he won't go mouldy.
your dh is being a bit ott, but I can understand his frustration.

FairLadyRantALot · 06/03/2009 23:17

washing yes king...but baths...and tbh...I think modern parents can be a bit obcessive about baths ...
my kids bath once a week and wash important bits more often...I doin't think that is a problem....
but than my kids used to suffer with eczema, so daily baths bad idea anyway...

VerynicenonacidicTits · 06/03/2009 23:17

Your dh dealing with it very badly, if your ds is so distressed at getting in the bath then dont put him in the bath! it wont kill him to not have a bath, just wash him down with a flannel

Then next time you are bathing ds2, let ds1 watch and make it look like fun, have some toys in the bath (depending on age) sing to him etc

Its probably just a phase that wont last very long, but the more you make him have a bath the more he will fear it

Original poster

Sails · 06/03/2009 23:19

He does seem to be against washing in general but that really is nonegotiable. We don't have a seperate shower so can't try that suggestion unfortunately. Unfortunately dh does seem to feel that bath are nonnegotiable which normally I would agree with but not as he is not imo playing up but is genuinely destressed!

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2shoes · 06/03/2009 23:21

can you do the "baths" and get dh to do something else at that time?

girlandboy · 06/03/2009 23:22

Right then, how about filling the basin up with warm bubbly water. Put some toys in, and a nice flannel. Let him dabble in the water and make a game of washing him with the flannel.

My ds also loved the aerosol foam/soap stuff. It comes out like shaving foam. If he gets covered enough with it, then it may be ok to stand him in the bath and let him pour cups of warm water over himself to wash it off.

Just a thought. It might take the stress out of it all.

KingCanuteIAm · 06/03/2009 23:22

I am far from obsessive about baths myself! I think children need to be clean at bedtime not scrubbed to within an inch of their lives

There are some good ideas here, the main theme seems to be relax and let him find his way. I would guess your main trouble with that approach will be your dh, are you able to have a real comverstaion with him about what he expects and why? It could be helpful to try and balance expectations if you knew he was just being a conformist or if he had genuine concerns about not bathing him IYSWIM.

NoTVlicencehere · 06/03/2009 23:22

I too can understand your dh frustration over this but........ from my experience the more he insists the more your ds will refuse

All in all likely to cause unecessary trauma in your lovely ds!

I would stop bathing properly altogether for a while, it wont do him anyharm to reduce to one total proper wash once a week

I would try putting a few, say 5cm of water in the bath with added extras, bath bubbles, blow bubbles, bath crayon thingys, sponges etc. You could also go swimming with him.

Anything for him to see that water is fun

writting under my temporary pseudonym!

HTH

girlandboy · 06/03/2009 23:23

Or could he have a bath with you?

VerynicenonacidicTits · 06/03/2009 23:25

My ds went though a phase like this not so long ago, he wouldnt get in the bath because he didnt want to take his socks off

I stuck him in the kitchen sink and he loved it

Original poster

Sails · 06/03/2009 23:26

DS1 will refuse even if I try. When dh went away recently mil and my parents came round sometimes to help me out and he refused with them too! Its not presonal to my dh (although he seems to take it that way) its more how he deals with it I object to. Also when its just me and the dc he refuses yet ds2 ignores it all and loves his baths!

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Original poster

Sails · 06/03/2009 23:28

Thaks for the great suggestions will def give a try! Off to bed now just realised the time!

OP posts:

hester · 06/03/2009 23:33

I really DON'T understand your dh's frustration - it's only a bath; cut the kid some slack, let him get sponged down for awhile.

But isn't the real issue here about how you and your dh negotiate your different parenting styles/standards? Personally, I would hate having a co-parent who moves into confrontational mode over such a non-issue, but even worse would be the difficulty in negotiating a consistent, shared approach.

Blottedcopybook · 06/03/2009 23:42

I agree with Hester. My boys love the bath and shower and would happily spend hours in there, whereas my daughter is absolutely terrified of the shower and only just tolerates the bath. They're only young and I don't think they can really get dirty enough to need a bath that often, they get tossed in when they look like they need it otherwise it's a quick wash over the sink before bed.

Is it just the bath he reacts to like this? What about when he goes swimming? Is it water that's the issue, or is it the bath?

desertmum · 07/03/2009 05:22

My daugther went thru a phase of hating the bath, the pool and the sea and hair washing was a nightmare - sounded like we were killing her - or worse. We simply pulled right back, she didn't get into the bath for about 18 months we washed her standing up on a bathmat. Hair washing was restricted to the absolute minimum. One day we took her to the beach and she went into the water with her brother - phobia sorted. The more you push the worse it can make it. They go through phases and hopefully will grow out of this one.

Original poster

Sails · 07/03/2009 10:30

Ds also hates pools and the sea. Was terrified of the sea last year haven't taken him this year yet!

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noavailablename · 07/03/2009 10:41

IME the majority of small children go through this phase - it is normal, and you have had some very good advice.

I would be much more worried about your DH's attitude to your ds and his parenting skills.

He has a lot of years of parenting challenges ahead of him, so he really needs to sort this out.

There are lots of good books around, and parenting classes might be an idea.

The relationship between fathers and sons has far reaching effects, and, as the mother of grown up sons, I think your DH needs some help.

I hope things improve.

Original poster

Sails · 07/03/2009 10:51

I am very concerned about that too. For instance he refused to go to bed wanted to go downstairs and dh went blustering up and started shouting you are not in charge you do not rule the roost etc etc ds started crying and got in a state again I had to use all sorts of tricks to cheer him up and calm him down ds thaat is!). This confrontational approach just does not work for ds and is getting to me. When I talk to him he just says "Its always me in the wrong as usual". He is now away this weekend with the tas (territorial army).

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