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Parenting

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Original poster

DS1 (3) refusing totally to bath and getting hesterical and destressed and dh is insisting he baths regardless

48 replies

Sails · 06/03/2009 23:05

Its awful and destressing to watch and my main issue is how dh is dealing with it. He refused to bath tonight- not unusual I'm trying not to fuss about it too much. However dh tonight forcibly undressed him and ignoring all his screams and by this time histerics he plonked him in the bath and got on with bathing him. I did not approve at all but I was otherwise taken up with ds2. He then removed him to take him out of bathroom (v v small bathroom) and at this point our distressed screaming child apparantly scratched dh. DH then shouted very aggressively ds1 cried worse dh came to find me saying he wasn't going to fetch him at he only wants me and he was scratching him! I went into bathroom and ds1 was incredibly distressed at this point standing crying in a full bath. As you can imagine he was extremly difficult to put to bed tonight! Dh has done this before (last time on wednesday.)
Basicly I think we should not make an issue of bathtime at all even if that means that he doesn't bath. Both my mum and mil have seen him at bathtime and have had there share of trying to deal with him and they both say he is a genuinely distressed child not playing up. However when I suggested this aproach dh said no he is going to be bathed regardless. Or sarcasticly replies oh lets allow him to be filthy shall we or I tell you what let him smell then or even "if we do that he has won hasn't he?" I just reply what would you rather have a stressed child? Fell out majorly and I was in the wrong apparantly! Am finding this distressing as he is normally a happy child with a very "sunny" disposition and doesn't normally behave like this. Certainly never scratches!

OP posts:

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2shoes · 07/03/2009 11:12

do you think the TAS is a clue?
maybe your dh is used to being in charge, and having a small person who he just can't controll is driving him mad.

FlorenceofArabia · 07/03/2009 11:45

Your husband sounds like the most awful bully .

I don't get this obsession with baths for kids (I DO shower everyday BTW!). "Baths are non-negotiable" - nonsense! Just sponge the boy down and spend your time enjoying a story with him. Get your DH to read to him instead of going on this unpleasant power trip.

noavailablename · 07/03/2009 12:12

Yes - I am not surprised at the TA connection. However, my nephew is in the TAs and is a lovely gentle bloke, so it doesn't always follow.

The TAs can attract a certain type of person, and it sounds as though your DH needs to be educated in some basic child development/psychology.

He is expecting way too much of a small child.

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bodiddly · 07/03/2009 12:21

Sails my dp got like this a few times years back with ds - usually when he didnt really understand that it wasnt ds playing up but genuine fears and bully boy tactics weren't going to cut it. Dp doesnt really get involved with discipline so sudden moments of trying to throw his weight around really didnt go down well! My ds went through a phase like this and I just went with it for a while. I still ran a bath and let him watch me in it (I put a few of his toys in and played with them to show him what fun he was missing)... strip washed him with water from the bath ... and as his confidence grew again I bought him a new bath toy to tempt him back in. He started off just standing in the bath and then gradually started to sit and lie down. He is now back to loving it. It turned out that he had slipped in the bath a while before and decided overnight he was too scared. A new long bath mat helped get rid of his fears!

GColdtimer · 07/03/2009 12:22

DD went through this for a while and we started bathing her in the mornings when we had chance. It was such a novelty to have a bath in the day, and she wasn't overtired and overwrought. She loved it and after a little while, she went back to having one at night. I only bath her every other day though. the other day she gets a wash.

GColdtimer · 07/03/2009 12:23

Not that that is addressing the real issue which is the fact you and your DH have vastly different tactics in dealing with the DCs.

Can you talk to him about it when you are not in the heat of battle so to speak?

Lazycow · 07/03/2009 13:00

He DOES NOT need a bath every day. When children reach puberty and start to sweat they may need a bath/shower every day but before then they don#t. A quick spenge/flannel wash of his bottom and wash of his hands/face is fine.

When ds went through this phase ( and he did), either dh or I would bathe with him and he enjoyed that so much he forgot his fear but because it didn't suit us to bathe with him every day he probably had 1-2 baths a week at most.

Given that your dh has fightened him even more now I'd suggest you get in the bath with him at times that suit you and forget the evening fight as he might not trust your dh or even want to bath with him at the moment. Then gradually over time try and introduce the idea of baths as fun. DS loves the bath now.

And BTW he was scared of baths because as I baby I'd stupidly taken him to those baby swim classes where they dip babies in the water. What a mistake!. He hated it and became scared of the bath (he never had been before)

There is usually a reason for these seemingly 'unreasonable' fears, it si just we don't always know what they are.

Original poster

Sails · 07/03/2009 21:28

Dh has ppopped home tonight and we have chatted quite extensively and we have agreed to continue bathing ds2 as normal and to lay off baths completely for ds1 just try to wash him down iyswim. I will however make bathing ds2 seem extremely fun and make sure ds1 is around so he (hopefully) will see what he's missing and want to join in! Anyway now dh has calmed down (we parted from his weekend on very very bad terms last night) he does agree that perhaps his aproach wasn't the best!

OP posts:

hester · 07/03/2009 21:42

That sounds like good progress, Sails. Good luck with going forward from here.

Original poster

Sails · 07/03/2009 21:46

Actually I was a little unfair about dh he has apologised for his behaviour last night so my comment that he realizes that perhaps it wasn't the right aproach was a bit unfair. Anyway lets see how it goes and will definately try the aerosel bath things for ds2 atleast!

OP posts:

noonki · 07/03/2009 21:46

glad to hear that sails - maybe your DH doesn't realise how little he is.

I remember situations when DSS1 was looking back only just out of being a toddler and our expectation of him was far to high. And we now know that the more fuss you make the more they make back!

PS our 3 year old sometimes doesnt have a bath for a week!

2shoes · 07/03/2009 21:46

glad to hear you and your dh have sorted a plan.

Yurtgirl · 10/03/2009 21:07

Hi Sails! I thought of your ds today

There is a discount shop near me currently selling a book called something like "I used to hate baths but now Ive got this sticker reward book I love them"

Obviously that is not what it is really called!!!!!!!!!!! It is a story deliberately written for children aged about 3 to show them that baths are necessary, fun and not scary. There is a star chart with fab stickers.

The story is super cheesy imo but it does make its point well and the star chart is fabulous

And its only 69p!!!!!!! If you would like me to buy you a copy and send it too you CAT me your email and I will gladly send you a copy - Just give a pound to charity in return or something

SecretSlattern · 10/03/2009 21:14

sorry but lol @ "he won't go mouldy"

Original poster

Sails · 10/03/2009 21:29

Sounds Brilliant yurtgirl I have cat you thank you ever so much!

OP posts:

Yurtgirl · 10/03/2009 21:35

Ooooh Sails Im glad you like the idea!

You have been warned though, the story is seriously cheesy - ie it is not an example of quality literature

I will endeavour to get a copy tommorrow!

kalo12 · 10/03/2009 21:39

he's 3!

Original poster

Sails · 10/03/2009 21:46

Yes he is kalo12 and your point is?

OP posts:

Yurtgirl · 10/03/2009 21:49

Maybe (in reference to my comment) she means that as he is only 3 he wont notice whether it is quality literature or not

You WILL notice, I promise you! IT reccomends you read it every day..............

But it makes its point, the star chart is fab and its only 69p!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster

Sails · 10/03/2009 21:54

I expect thats what she mean just thought it a strange comment. And things have been alot better at bedtimes btw (in general I mean not regarding baths) since dh has completely stopped stressing so much! Has made a world of difference and I think he is FINALLY seeing that!

OP posts:

extremelychocolateymilkroll · 10/03/2009 22:25

Saw the doctor a couple of weeks ago about something unrelated and asked her how often to bathe dd - who is 18 months. She said maximum would be twice a week as water is so drying. She said she sees a lot of children with eczcema who are being bathed every day and it was making things worse.

kalo12 · 10/03/2009 22:31

hi, sorry had to see to baby. I was going to write a longer post but then had to delete it as only half a sentence and didn't have time.

anyway what i meant was he's 3 and 3 yr olds don't like baths!

but prolly they don't get soo dirty, relatively, not like sweaty teenagers or fishmongers.

also he's only three and your dh is a grown man, so they shouldn't really be doing battle over this, its not really fair, and I think your dh could maybe concede over this one.

Yurtgirl · 15/03/2009 22:50

Hi sails - sorry for the delay! I have bought a copy and will try to sort it out tommorrow

I cant access my email atm but will have another go tommorrow, I need your address so I know where to send it too!

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