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Original poster

Feel miserable after going to my nct group

65 replies

ipanemagirl · 05/03/2009 14:44

All the mothers except me are going back to work fairly soon (babies are around 6/7 months) And they were all saying " I couldn't imagine being a full time mother, so boring, all the cleaning, no status etc etc etc what a nightmare...".
Everyone of course entitled to their opinion but I just felt hurt that my role was so vigorously derided in front of me! I didn't really know what to say. I've found it very hard at times being a SAHM, and would have gone back to work if I'd had a staff job but I was a freelancer and my work was not remotely family friendly. I'm sure they didn't mean to put me down personally I just feel down about it.

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turtle23 · 09/03/2009 10:17

Am slightly at all the "lack of status" comments. Personally, I think I am BLOODY BRILLIANT for staying home and that a lot of people going back to work are missing out. There may not be much glamour, but you can never get back this time. I am proud of myself for being a SAHM. I salute everyone for doing what feels right to them, though.

ijustwant8hours · 09/03/2009 10:31

I think the lack of status thing only exists because people say its there ifyswim?

I get fed up with people saying things about how they couldn't possibly stay at home as it is dull / mindless/ etc etc. Personally I find it far less dull than work (I had a very good career but it meant that I spent every waking hour thinking about tax legislation). I just make some comment about not being that insecure... I know my own worth (but then I am an arrogant cow )

islandofsodor · 09/03/2009 10:35

I probably said the same things after I had dd but it was more due to the fact that I was having really hard time coping with being a mum (undiagnosed PND), felt I had to justify my going to work and wuite frankly if I had stayed at home I would have not been much good for dd.

I felt totally different after I had ds and stayed home for 12 months (and ended up Chair of the NCT) and umpteen other voluntary stuff which people seemed to really respect me for.

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GrapefruitMoon · 09/03/2009 10:40

I had the opposite experience to the OP in that most of the NCT mothers were not going back to work and hence I found it hard to continue to meet the others socially once I did go back...

badbadday · 09/03/2009 11:29

Personally I think a lot of them are probably jealous. I have started back at work, but if I had the choice I would be a SAHM in an instant

As for loss of status, I just don't get this. Do people really feel that defined by a job? I'm professionally qualified, but at the end of the day I work to live, not the other way round

I guess it's hard hearing people saying these things, whichever side of the fence they're on. When I hear people saying they couldn't leave their DC to go to work, it upsets me because I have to leave DS.

Pitchounette · 09/03/2009 11:30

Message withdrawn

bababelle · 09/03/2009 11:32

Hi ipanemagirl

I have the same situation, all the other 7 of my nct group have gone back to work (babies now 15/16 months) and I haven't. One asked me if I was 'happy with my decision' in a loaded tone, another talks about how if I have a long gap between babies I will be 'stuck at home' for longer, in e-mails to arrange meet-ups another asks how everyone is getting on back at work, with specific questions directed at each of their situations, but doesn't bother to ask about me at home... I could go on. I have a doctorate and am professionally qualified but I'm proud of my decision to stay at home, I certainly don't spend all day chained to the kitchen sink and i really feel DD is benefitting and I promise you the time goes really quickly but I still find it really hard to feel proud in the face of those comments and tend to hide behind excuses about our finances (eg can't afford nursery off what I would earn in my line of work etc.). I guess I'm trying to tell myself as much as you to remember there are loads of us SAHM out there, you are not alone, and you have every right to make your own choices just as they have the right to make theirs! x

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 09/03/2009 11:43

A lot of you seem to think that WOHM are "justifying" so they don't feel bad about going back to work, how about that they WANT to go back to work, how about they honestly don't understand how someone can stay at home all the time with children. It's not undermining YOUR choice it's THEIR choice. You are the one who is being all judgey about their choices not them.

Hotcrossbunny · 09/03/2009 11:49

What about if you were a childminder, nanny, worked in a nursery? To me, being a SAHM is no less of a 'job' than those. The only difference is that you are looking after your own child, and not being paid to look after someone else's.

I had a similar experience with my NCT group. Fortunately another two people decided to SAH, so I still met up with them. We tried to all still meet up at weekends/days off, but it just didn't work. The WOHM definitely couldn't understand why we weren't racing back to work, and TBH there was a difference in our incomes, and they were wanting to do big days out at theme parks, whereas we were happy with the park and a picnic. It was really sad, and I'm sure if we'd all been friends before children the situation wouldn't have arisen, as we'd have been closer friends and known each other as people not just mums. We manage a meal out a couple of times a year, but that's it

I don't think it's a matter of right and wrong, it's just different choices and lifestyles.

Sorry have waffled there

ijustwant8hours · 09/03/2009 15:34

Personally I'm not judging working mums, i just object to my 'work' being described as dull / mindnumbing / not stimulating etc. I think if I described someones job this way without any questioning then they might feel a little uncomfortable themselves.

LucyEllensmummy · 09/03/2009 17:19

bababelle, i agree totally, we are in very similar situations. In fact your nick name makes me think i might know you - but no, surely the world isn't that small!

Annabel1 · 09/03/2009 17:39

Makes me realise how lucky I am with my NCT group. Seem to rub along okay with everyone accepting everyone else's situation (I am SAHM, two others are and the rest work warying part time hours) I used to find the "I don't know how you do it" line a bit patronising, but as I have got better at my job (still very much a work in progress) I realise they might just be giving me a compliment. But I fully accept that a good proportion of my decision to stay at home has to do with not coping with work, travel etc rather than a burning desire to be with my children - although deep down I have that too. That said - was very pleasant today to sit on the kitchen floor mixing paint with rice!
Shame when people can't see that there are several happy ways to raise a family - all options are hard.

bababelle · 09/03/2009 20:31

Hope you're feeling a bit better now ipanemagirl.
Where are you based then LucyEllensmummy?

lou222 · 09/03/2009 20:56

not read the whole thread but i feel so so sorry for mums who have to go back to work
i love every minute of being with my boy and feel like i'm on a permanent holiday so it's the poor mums who have to go out and work that you should feel sorry for.

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 20:51

i'm in the south east babba

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