Feel miserable after going to my nct group

[ipanemagirl]

All the mothers except me are going back to work fairly soon (babies are around 6/7 months) And they were all saying " I couldn't imagine being a full time mother, so boring, all the cleaning, no status etc etc etc what a nightmare...".
Everyone of course entitled to their opinion but I just felt hurt that my role was so vigorously derided in front of me! I didn't really know what to say. I've found it very hard at times being a SAHM, and would have gone back to work if I'd had a staff job but I was a freelancer and my work was not remotely family friendly. I'm sure they didn't mean to put me down personally I just feel down about it.

hi all I'm going to be honest and say I have copped out and gone back to work 3 days a week because I do not think I am capable of being a full time mum!! Work is sooo much easier than being at home ... and I reckon that is closer to the truth than the rude comments of those tactless wonders, who like me couldn't hack being a SATM Hats off to you xxx

ps I am a good mum but need the escape of part time work to continue the energy and total one to one my little hyper one demands

I also freelance in non family friendly line ( theatre lighting). I didn't work at all till boy was 9 months, then have done odd days here and there since. I like being a SAHM , I like my son, I like seeing him develop and grow and learn new things, I like going to toddler groups, I like going to play in the park, I like going for a cuppa with other SAHMs.
Sure it doesn't suit every one and not every one has the choice. Some of the women who have no choice will always try and make them selves feel better about it by running down the alternative.
Chin up love and get on with living your now life , that particular bunch will soon be off working and desperately trying to do all the jobs that keep a family running as well in teh evening and at weekends. You will come across more SAHM as time goes by and find your own rhythm to your week.

Sorry to hear that ipanemagirl - I am first time mum and finding my NCT group really supportive, but then they are not at all judgey iyswim.

They are probably just jealous that you have the option to SAH. So far as I can tell, it is finances that are dictating when everybody in my NCT group is thinking about going back to work. It is my guilty secret that we could probably afford for me not to go back ever (if we cut our coats accordingly), but like you I am a bit scared at the prospect of never being able to go back if I stay away too long. Shame you're not in my NCT group, as I would really value your perspective.

Find some new friends who will be able to have coffee and lunch with you once your NCT group have gone back to work. You will need the company, and can always drop a few choice details about what you have been doing into convos with NCT group if they are talking about their work. But basically I agree the important thing is that you've made the decision that is right for you, they have for them, and that's really all there is to it.

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justbfree - I'm a SAHM but know where you are coming from some days I feel totally suffocated by the constantness of their needs

ipanemagirl - don't listen to the other mothers - they are just trying to convince themselves that they are doing the right thing by going back to work and to justify their own choices.

Most of them probably don't have the luxury that you have of choosing to stay at home.

I have met many a mother like this.

What is happening is that they feel guilty about going back to work and are trying to make you feel bad to make themselves feel better.

Not a judgement of working mothers - I am one! - but to be so overly cruel and judgemental when a SAHM is sitting there - insecurities methinks.

You know, when they are back at work and off the scene, you'll fall into groups that are mainly SAHMs and you'll be fine.

Taking a career break is not the same as ending your career. It might have to change a bit, but that can be a good thing. Also, there are many opportunites to fill your time with responsibilities and roles in many children centred activities. Become a treasurer or a P&T group, or the local NCT newsletter editor or do some short flexible courses etc etc.....

SAHMs are undervalued by society so it feels like you are letting yourself down and not fulfilling your potential, but be openminded and seek out other opportunities and you'll be surprised.

Good luck!

ipane, where are you, out of interest? (just on the off chance?)

Oh I get so annoyed by this. I cant believe that people still view SAHMs as cleaners and staying in the house all day.......Well I would love to get time to clean. My day is spent entertaining the children, bringing them to groups, playdates, making sure they engage with art, singing, games, jigsaws, looking and reading books, stickers, the list is endless.Ensuring that they get enough stimulus is really hard work. Most importantly is about buliding a strong and positive, trusting friendship and relationship with your children.

Be proud of what you do.

As for NCT groups, well dont get me started.

Ah yes, the NCT group. I was 29 weeks when I got a call asking me to a coffee morning for new members, and the woman on the phone seemed surprised that I hadn't left work yet for mat leave! I went to a few other coffee mornings, and the weekly playgroup session until I went back to work full time when DS was 5 mths, no choice financially, and no option of part time either. So I couldn't attend any other meetings and didn't really make any friends as they were all SAHMS, and they thought it strange that I wasn't even taking the full 6 mths off on mat leave. Plus they were very cliquey. So the opposite situation to you. However, I did go to the working mothers group one evening a month, which was useful.

I would never have been so rude as to voice opinions on peoples life choices, but it does seem that those who did are justifying their own choice due to envy.

My work colleague was always the first to praise mums who stayed at home, saying that it was far harder than coming to work. She reckoned that trying to create some schedule at home was much more difficult than having it imposed by the working day and organizing the family around it.

I think I just wanted to show support for mums in general, whether they work or not.

They are justifying it to themselves! I say this kind of thing to myself to make it feel better that I hardly see DS, when truth be told the only reason I am back at work at 11 weeks post natal is because DH job increasingly insecure. I miss my boy and they will miss their boys/girls too whatever reason they go back. Neither option is without it's heartache. Being at home is bloody hard work. Being at work similar. Just ignore them. They're talking about themselves and their anxieties, not commenting on you. I think you should sit there smugly knowing that you're not someone who has to justify your choices to other people. x

I've had this too. Little Ff is 12 months old now, and since she was 6 months friends and old colleagues have expressed surprise that I haven't gone back. A few weeks ago a friend with a 4 month old told me that she wasn't really looking forward to going back in two months, but 'didn't think she could do the at home thing full time'. As if I was inferior because I was able to stand being at home all the time.

I am ambitious, and driven, and enjoyed my career. However, Ff is going to be a baby for such a short time that I feel incredibly lucky that I canb take this time to be with her. I'd look for another group, ipanemagirl.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but sounds to me like they are trying to convince themselves and agree with Constantly... I do work part time for financial reasons, but would dearly love to stay at home and would be very proud to do so.

I can identify really closely with your post because I was in exactly the same position 5 years ago when all my NCT group went back to work and I was the only SAHM.

I did feel that it made me 'the odd one out', and however much people are nice and sensitive, they always drop in some major clanger about it.

My top favourite is 'oh I don't think I could be at home with them the entire time'. Why? Do you exist on a higher cerebral plain than the rest of us?

However, as time has gone on, and different people have had other children (we each now have 3), they have had extended periods of maternity leave and come to realise exactly what my day to day life is like... that it isn't 'one long coffee morning', and that for every monotonous, disenfranchised day, I have another lovely rewarding one (and vice versa).

You have to trust your own judgement and let them come to their own conclusions in time.

I expect they are jealous and justifying it.
I wouldn't worry about it-I don't think that there is any job that is as exciting as bringing up a new person. I would hate to leave it to someone else, if I didn't have to for financial reasons. You can do all sorts of stimulating things at home.

ipanemagirl - I suspect they are all at you staying at home.

Does the cleaning magicly disapear if you go out to work then? Will they not have to cook an evening meal after being at work all day?

I think they might have a shock comming to them.

Some people can be so tactless. One of the women in my NCT group had her baby at the same nursery I had my DC in. She used to come around and tell me everything the nursery was doing wrong, and eventually withdrew her child from (IMO) a wonderful nursery. Whenever I saw her she used to tell me how awful it was, seemingly oblivious that I had my child there and that it might be a bit inappropriate. The others and I couldn't believe she could be so tactless. In the end she got an unregistered untaxed ilegal immigrant "nanny" for her precious FB - what was going through her mind I can't imagine. My DC had three happy years at the nursery btw and I never had any doubts about it and happily recommend it to others.

I do think that defining a woman (or a man, come to think of it) by what she/he does for a job is the stupidest notion ever.

Christ, will we ever move forward on this subject?

I take a totally liberal approach - anyone can do anything they like, so long as it hurts no one else. Respect for each other and the ability to respect others, defines you - not what you choose to do to fill your days.

Tsk! Ignore 'em. They don't sound like the sharpest knives in the drawer, tbh.

I had this with my NCT group, they all went back to work apart from one who moved to another area. I did feel a bit cross when I was constantly told how much their children enjoyed nursery, and wasn't it good for them to be socialised etc. As if we led this deprived bored life at home. I was happy for their children to go to nursery and be happy there, but wanted some acknowledgement that MY child might enjoy being at home too!
I now realise that it was simply the age of most of the mothers. I was 34, and had worked for 13 years, and was happy to change lifestyle, and they at 26 -28 were still developing their careers. Once I met some SAHM of my age or even older (my fave was 39 when she had her first) it was all fine...

'I do think that defining a woman (or a man, come to think of it) by what she/he does for a job is the stupidest notion ever.'

I agree-I don't see why what you do as a job is relevant.

I agree with Riven - you don't need to be working to have "status." If people define themselves so much by what they do to earn a crust, then poor them.

I've taken a career break from a job that conferred quite a high degree of status. But this was only when I was at work. I didn't feel that the seniority of my role in any way reflected on my personal life.

I feel that the job I am doing now (raising our 2 DD's) is FAR more important. It's harder work, but it's also the most rewarding job i've ever done.

Sorry you've had this experience with the NCT group - I kept in touch with the people from the NCT ante natal group I joined for quite a while - but no longer meet them. In contrast, the coffee morning group are lovely and I still see them quite a bit even though ds is nearly 4 and has started school. The good thing about them is that they are a very fluid group with new members joining and others dropping out, there is a good range of ages of children, and a great variety of choices in terms of SAH, going back to work pt, self-employed pt etc etc.

I must say that I was relieved to be going back to work pt - I found that it was much easier than being a SAHM - and it meant that I felt more able to be positive on the days I was at home with ds.

ipanema girl - some people just can't cut it as a SAHM!! thats their problem not yours! You have to find ways of getting over the boredom - thats called using your imagination!! As for loss of status, they need to get over themselves.

My DD goes to school in september, i will go back to work but ive loved being a sahm, despite all those negative, because yes they do exist, but there are negatives to being a working mum too - its all about what works for you.

My husband says that we SAHM/Ds are the 'glue' that hold society together. We walk our kids to school, quite often walk other people's kids to school, we are the ones who help out at toddlers, playgroups, nursery and school, we keep everyone connected, we take the stress away from our partners because we're available to take our kids to appointments and so on, and can keep everything ticking over at home.

I have just recently starting back doing some freelance work (my DS is 7) and life is so much more complicated, rushed and stressed now. It is nice after all this time to get a bit of status back, and a bit of extra cash, but otherwise, it doesn't have an awful lot going for it. If ALL your ante-natal friends are going back to work, you will no doubt find yourself hanging out with other SAHMs, who won't challenge your choice. Enjoy it!