Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

UP types - when they refuse to do something that just has to be done.....

35 replies

Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 20:02

I just can?t seem to reason with DS (just 6) why he needs to get dressed within a reasonable amount of time on school days.

He has always been a reluctant dresser but early last year we found a solution that worked for us. I would sit with him in his room for 5 minutes while he got dressed. If he finished within 5 minutes I would do his socks. If not, I would leave the room to get on with something else and he would finish alone. On school/work days we would do this straight after breakfast. On other days, whenever he was ready.

Recently this has stopped working because he would never be dressed within 5 minutes. He has often been taking over 20 minutes to do it and making us late for the school bus. He is sometimes still half dressed when DD is already strapped in the car (bus stop is in the next village) and I have to drive all the way to school because we miss the bus which makes it hard to get to work on time.

For info, when he is really tired (ie I have to wake him for him to be ready for school on time) I help him get dressed.

We talked about the problem a couple of days ago. We came up with me sitting with him for 6 minutes and always getting dressed before breakfast. (Logic is that breakfast which he usually spends over 20 minutes eating can be cut short/finished in the car if necessary; it's more difficult to put a child on the school bus when they are half dressed!).

This morning DS woke up refreshed with over 90 minutes before we leave the house but then got so cross at the idea of getting dressed before breakfast that he sulked for an hour, just lying on his bedroom floor while DD and I got ready.

I am quite prepared to go through this another few days if this is what it takes for him to realize that he is wasting precious play time and get a move on. But then again ?No breakfast until you?re dressed? feels like manipulation when he takes it so badly. But at the moment I have lost all faith in him getting ready in time after breakfast.

I know this issue is one that makes me lose perspective. WWYD?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 20:23

?

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 04/03/2009 21:01

DD (2 yrs, so not really the same) refuses to get dressed, I take her out in her PJ's.

My friend who has a 5 year old DD has the same prob as you, her DD just will not get dressed for school - firstly, friend sorted out there was no other reason for this reluctant, i.e. probs at school etc, then when DD did it again, friend simple took her to school in her PJ's.

Kid didnt want to get out of car infront of friends, so got changed in back of car - never had a prob since.

The thought of being utterly embarrassed infront of friends seemed to cure her.

Good Luck

(does no one use the hold down and dress you-you-little-horrid-child technique any more, my mum swore by it... lol)

duckyfuzz · 04/03/2009 21:04

I have developed a routine with my DTs (5) that they have come to accept, which involves getting dressed first and foremost, no breakfast until dressed, no playing until after breakfast, with teeth, hair etc done - the quicker they're ready, the longer they play. Maybe you could ask him what he thinks needs to be done in the morning and get him to come up with his own routine?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

onepieceofcremeegg · 04/03/2009 21:04

Big sympathy to you from one who started squawking this morning at dd1 (just 5).

I leave plenty of time; the rule is "dressed before breakfast" but on the odd occasion I relent and let her get dressed after, usually ending in tears (me! ) and teenage type backchat from her.

Sometimes I just want to shout "just fing get your fng clothes on."

I don't, but I want to.

OnlyWantsOne · 04/03/2009 21:07

onepieceofcreamegg - i bet you scream it very loudly in your head dont you...

Yes, in my head is the phrase YOUR SO FECKING CLEVER ARENT YOU POPPET

never actaully dream of saying it to her... lol this is when shes doing things like pouring milk all over the floor or wiping the cat food up the front of kitchen cupboards...o i am mean

onepieceofcremeegg · 04/03/2009 21:18

OnlyWantsOne on Very Bad days I hide behind the kitchen door and mutter it under my breath.

Tomorrow I have to leave the house at 7.45am. It will be like boot camp in here!

Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 21:24

Thanks.

I have always left plenty of time - 15 minutes to get dressed when it actually only takes him 3 when he is willing and not distracted.

Duckyfuzz, I have asked him, we worked out this plan a year ago which has just recently stopped working. And the new plan has not worked at all (although it's only 2 days old).

No breakfast until dressed meant an hour long sulk today. As I said, I don't know any other way around it but the way he reacts makes me feel like I am punishing him by withholding breakfast.

OP posts:
Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 21:27

I suppose I want to know from people who try to be 'unconditional parents' how they see the delaying breakfast thing. And if they see it as incompatible with UP, what other solutions can they suggest?

OP posts:
duckyfuzz · 04/03/2009 21:28

oh dear, I'm not sure what to suggest, other than cajoling in a 'wouldn't it be great if we were ready extra early today and had time to....?'

I don't think you are punishing him by makinghim wait for breakfast - if that is a routine you have devised together then he knows what happens - consequences, not punishments!

duckyfuzz · 04/03/2009 21:29

from my reading of it, I don't think AK would have a problem with making him wait

onepieceofcremeegg · 04/03/2009 21:29

Sorry, just re read the thread title and as you were asking for support on a particular approach (i.e. UP) my responses may not have been particularly appropriate.

Twims · 04/03/2009 21:29

Don't pander to him, tell him he has to get himself dressed and ready for school - most 4 year olds I know can get themselves dressed in the morning and the sooner he learns to the better - I bet he gets himself dressed at school for PE.

Just tell him he has 10 minutes to get dressed by himself and start removing privledges ie the longer it takes the less time to play, you will go to bed earlier as you obviously didn't sleep long enough and carry them out.

Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 21:38

It's ok cremeegg, it helps to know other people have the same frustrations!

Thanks Duckyfuzz.

Twims, he has been dressing himself in under 10 minutes fine for the last year. It's just become and issue over the few couple of weeks.
We don't do removal of privileges/punishments. He does need to go to bed earlier but it's not possible as we don't get home until 5 and he has homework so usually by the end of the week I am rousing him and helping him to dress. But I am not prepared to do this on the days when he wakes up refreshed all by himself.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 04/03/2009 21:48

Maybe you need to send him to a more unconditional school. He's probably knackered if he has to do homework after getting home at 5 and can't go to bed at a reasonable time. What kind of school bombards such babies with homework like that?

Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 21:50

A French school!

He would have to board or we would have to move to a city an hour away (too far from our job) for him to go to any other kind of school.

OP posts:
Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 21:52

Anyway, he wasn't tired today as it's the holidays and he came to wake me at 7am.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 04/03/2009 21:56

Where is he from school finish till 5? Please don't tell me that French schools are so horrible that the school day ends at 5! Could whoever's looking after him help him with the ridiculousness that is homework for 6 year olds so he could go to bed a bit earlier?

Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 21:59

School is from 8.45 until 16.30. Then they take the bus and I pick him them up at 16.40. It takes about 5 mins to strap DCs in the car and then another 10 minutes to drive home. So we get in about 16.55.

OP posts:
francagoestohollywood · 04/03/2009 22:00

Ds is six and every morning dh races him at who gets dressed first . It is the only way to get him dressed for the day.

Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 22:03

Hmmm, maybe he would like to get dressed in our room at the same time as DH. I'll suggest that.

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 04/03/2009 22:04

oh god i don't know
sorry
i have lost the plot as far as UP is concerned, i am functioning in a sticky sort of haze

would AK not say help him if he wants you to help?
erm
i don't know
it's true the natural consequences could be him going to school in pjs
i mean i assume school attendance is non-negotiable, so if you tell him you have to leave at a certain time and it is up to him what he is wearing? or do they have a uniform?

ScummyMummy · 04/03/2009 22:06

My goodness. What a long day. My children would struggle hugely at 10 with such an early start and late finish.

francagoestohollywood · 04/03/2009 22:07

Try him. Nothing like a bit of competition at this age. Not sure how UP it is though

Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 22:11

Thanks for popping by.

He hasn't actually expressed a wish for more help. Perhaps he is embarrassed too seeing as his little sister does everything except tights and buttons. He does like me to be in the room which is why we came up with our 5 minute plan.

No uniform and by law he has to go to school so I guess I could do the pyjama thing.

OP posts:
Othersideofthechannel · 04/03/2009 22:13

Yes Scummy, it is quite gruelling really.

OP posts: