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[regretsdontwork]

I am a regular poster, who has namechanged because essentially, I am ashamed of how I feel

My DD is 20 months old and basically, I have deep feelings of regret for maybe 6 out of 7 days in the week. Regret, that is, that I had her.
Parenthood is much less pleasureable than I had imagined it could be. Granted, there are contributory factors which make me feel like this- namely that I seperated from her father soon after she was born. We were together 3 years, and although we didn't plan her, we were happy enough to proceed with the pregnancy. It was a rocky relationship anyway, so I always feel guilty and downright stupid for getting pregnant in the first place. Really- that feeling will never leave me. It fell apart very rapidly after she was born, but My dd does, however,have an excellent relationship with her father

Mostly though, I feel horrid about how I am with my DD. I work full time and have a boyfriend, but he is not my 'partner' ifyswim. . I find that I can never wait for the time when my dd will go to her fathers so that I can get away from the slog, and be with BF ( how awful does that sound?).If there is an oppportnity for her to go to her dads, I'll often, but not always take it. I find that when bf is around, I'll try to ensure she is with her dad, but when he is working away for example, I miss DD, so arrange for her to be with me during those times. I know this is dreadful and dd will pick up on it eventually.

I find that I have such a negative attitude towards my child, constantly moaning about how much hard work she is. She is, btw, quite demanding, but I imagine in my logical and more lucid moments- no more so than other children of her age. I find sitting down and playing with her insufferably boring and so mostly try to avoid it. Inevitably, my dd vies for my attention even more, then I lose my temper and shout at her. Yes, I shout, sometimes saying dreadful things like 'you've wrecked my life, I hate you'. She doesn't understand the meaning of the words yet, but she will, and she can of course, pick up the horrible negative voice I say them in.
She is a very cautious little child, wont try to climb up/go down stairs on her own, is very tentative and hardly ever tries new things. She isn't a trypical toddler in that sense, that you have to watch her like a hawk. I find this irritating, because it means she wont even walk up a step on her her own, but instead stands at the bottom of it whining, and clutching her doll for dear life, like the step is an abyss to be feared. I hope she'll be feisty, but find myself calling her 'wet', when she does these things.
Some days I find it so hard to be around her, because she whinges alot- truly an awful lot- and I feel so angry, like I might hurt her, so I have to out her upstairs out of my way to calm down.
I took her on holiday a while ago- because I try, really I do try to change how I feel and I want to be better, but she she has a habit of following me around whining this kind of 'heh heh' noise, for no apparant reason, and some days during the holiday I sat and cried, because she literally wouldn't stop. Even when we were doing fun things that she should have enjoyed, like painting, she was still doing the 'heh, heh' noise and I wanted desperately to come home.

This is going to sound crazy- but being around my DD makes me feel incredibly anxious. I'm always waiting for her to 'start', in the whining sense, and because I have such an aversion to the high-pitched noises that my dd ( and of course, most other children make) I am on tenterhooks that she will kick it off at any given moment. I'm always wishing her life away 'I cant wait til she's five', seems to be my favourite. I always convince myself that It'll be better when she's able to communicate with me, as she wont need to screech so much.

My family, who don't live close by, make remarks that I'm not a 'natural' mother - they're not trying to be hurtful, its just banter- but I find that I 'play' up to that label now, and am constantly moaning how how it all is. I tell all and sundry that I would never have another child- and I scare myself with how much conviction I mean this. I dislike being a mother so much that i would never put myself (or a poor child, more to the point) through it again. I'm always, always harking back in my mind to the times when I didn't have her, the freedom i had.

FWIW, I dont think I am depressed. If any of my friends knew how I felt they would be appalled. I have a good job, social life and on most days, feel happy. Its when I come home and my DD is narky, its when I think of the next 16 years of this, or even when my friends are planning a trip away that I cant go on, that my feelings engulf me.

I have made life choices that I wish I hadnt, and nothing is going to change that. But please tell me how I can change how I feel about my little daughter before I ruin everything. I know that I love her- and I do show her a lot of physical affection, but then I ruin it all by regretting her very existence, when she is having anything less than a perfect day.

I await the flaming, and I deserve it, but really, I feel crap enough.

papoose, exactly how helpful is it to show your indignation at how little I have to 'put up' with my daughter? And for what its worth, I also spend all of the school holidays with her, so no- it isn't a simple case of evenings and the odd weekend.

Rookie, i think you've hit the nail on the head- i do find it hard to maintain separate identities of life with boyf and life with DD. I feel it is moving on slowly- we are having a hol together in the summer with DD etc. I was happy in the beginning to take things super-slow, but yes, it is hard.

pitchounette, thank you so much for sharing your story, it was helpful and I appreciate it.

she's only 20 mo actually, pitchounette

You are not alone. This thread is also in Parenting:

Not a 'natural' mummy... (long, sorry)

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You have been really brave and honest. We all feel a bit trapped at times but you really seem to be sinking.

What stood out for me from your posts was your DD's behaviour shows a lot of fear and anxiety. Children only get security in life from a really loving, safe, consistent relationship with their primary carer - if she doesn't have that she will cling and whine and do anything to keep you in reach, it's an act of desperation if you like. If your relationship could be improved (and it sounds like you will need some help, which is quite reasonable) you may find a transformed little girl as her personality is able to blossom. Our DS (adopted) was like that when he first came to us, it brought it all back to me reading your post.

Just a thought, is there any good Sure Start or Family centre near you? Part of their remit is to help families who are struggling and they should know where to refer you for some counselling. You could just ring up and explain a bit of your situation.

do try to find a way forward though, the longer it goes on the harder it will get.

hi, i agree that it could be pnd or similar, talking to hv/gp to get help would definately be a good thing to do, like someone else said if they do diagnose pnd then it might be appropriate for counselling and not drugs. I assume you dd is at nursery while you're at work? Has she got any friends there or is they any of the parents that you talk to? Could you meet up with one of them and do something like softplay or zoo or something? If you dd has someone to play with she might start playing on her on soon(20 months is still quite young to be playing by herself at softplay etc) and also youu'll have someone to chat to so it's not just you and her.

Thankyou for the responses, I appreciate the time you've taken.

I'm well aware that my post makes unpleasant reading and that is why I posted for advice. I feel i should mention though, that many people, whilst commenting in a jokey manner that I'm not exactly 'mother earth', say that I am doing a good job with DD, that she is lovely etc...this includes her father.
Most of what I feel is within myself- and I shuld also point out that I have said those kinds of things to DD maybe 3 times since she was born. It is NOT regular thing.
I'm not sure I am 'sinking' as such, although I certainly know that changes need to be made, I acknowledge that wholeheartedly.

DD was a very happy smiley baby, and whilst I admit that I've always felt anxious around her- it is MUCH worse since she has got older, because her terperament seems to ahve changed. I'm not sure if this is just the regular changes into toddlerdom, or if it is because of me.

I do do things with DD, although I admit that it depends heavily on the mood she is in. This is irrational, I know, because she is a small child. We went on holiday alone a while ago, and I spent alot of time trying to stimulate her, painting, pottery, reading, walking- but she cried and whined a lot of the time. I felt so sad about this because I thought having my undivided attention was what she wanted- but I could put my hand on my heart and say that she did not. I spent some evenings sobbing with relief when she went to bed, such was the mental strain of the whining and crying.

I feel coompletely well in every other aspect of my life. Chances are, I'm just a cow,and yes, an unnatural mother, so PND is not something I can hide behind.

Don't feel guilty - you can't help the way you feel, and you're not a cow (if you were, you wouldn't care so much about DD). I know I didn't bond well with my eldest, something that became very clear when DS2 was born and I was absolutely gaga about him, but DS1 and I sort of 'grew together'. They're 18 and 16 now and I love them both absolutely, but I still have a more sort of visceral attachment to DS2, IYSWIM.

Some children do whine incessantly, and it can be mental torture... as, sometimes, can playing with them if you don't enjoy it naturally.

A friend of mine had similar feelings about her elder daughter and went to family counselling which helped her immensely and put their relationship back on track. You don't need PND for something like that to be an immense help.

Regrets - I don't think there is such a thing as a 'natural mother'. If you mean the sort of person that's always dreamed of having babies, then (IMO) they're just as likely to get PND, if not more so, because they're more likely to have a romantic ideal of children which will easily come crashing around their ears when they have to face the dull, whingy reality...

Do you ever go into DD's room when she's asleep, and just watch her sleeping? Just 5 mins when you're sure she's properly asleep, and you can appreciate her beauty without her opening her mouth and spoiling it?

And sometimes, when I've had a day where I feel like I've been a really crap mother, I sneak into my DS's room and just whisper 'you're the most fantasic person and very much loved' - just because it makes me feel better.

20 months is a hard time. They're starting to talk and establish their own wants and needs, but without necessarily a clear idea of what those wants and needs might be. 20 months is also pretty young for being able to play alone - she needs you to pick up a toy first and play with it yourself.

But it does get easier. They get more independent, their attention span gets longer so they can enjoy doing something for/by themselves, and of course, at some point you can put cbeebies on and get a half-hour to take a bath/make a phone call/etc.

Do go see your GP though. It sounds like you're putting a really good face on things to everyone you're close to, and maybe you need to find someone to let the mask slip with? Parentline too are very good, and they really have heard it all before.

Hope you work it out.

thank you.

Yes, I do sometimes go into DD's room to look at her. Mostly every night actually when I'm checking her before I go to bed myself. Its usually during those times when Ive reflected how crap I've been in the relatively few hours I had with her between picking her up from cm and putting her to bed.

Anyway, I think I will go and see my GP. I know I need help in how I've bonded with my child. I think tbh, I've nailed it down to having never, ever felt that overwhelming rush of love for her, not from birth and not since. I know I have grown to love her a lot- but I'm still waiting for that 'rush', and feel incredibly guilty that it hasn't arived.

I have also realised that maintaining two separate lives, one for my dd and work, and one for my bf, puts me under immense pressure. The twain do not meet in the way they should have by now and I need to address it. It is exhausting trying to spread myself so thinly. I should add though, that I wanted it this way, especially in the beginning of the relationship. I think this is normal, as I wanted to assess how the relationship would go before I brought him into DD's life. I think though, that boyf has become accustomed to this way of life, because essentially, he is dating a single mom, yet to him, its mainly like I'm single. I've never discussed this with him, or the physical and emotional strain it has been putting me under, so I think I will have to. Doing this, as well as seeing my gp will hopefully go some way to repairing this situaiton.

Good luck with everything - it sounds like those steps are positive, and I do hope it goes brilliantly for you and your DD

Regrets, that rush of love sometimes just doesn't happen. With me, I don't know if it was because it was a long, tiring birth, or because I'd had very little experience with babies and hardly knew which way up they went, or I didn't have a close social network - or if it was just 'one of those things'. I do remember just after he was born DH was in tears saying 'It's a boy, it's a boy' and me thinking 'Why's he so happy? he wanted a girl,' which sounds awful but summed up my state of mind Given the added demands & stresses in your life it's not surprising you feel like you do.

It doesn't mean you don't love her, it doesn't make you a bad mum, and it won't necessarily be the same if you ever do decide to have another child. You're a great mum because you're doing the very best you can for her by seeking the support you need!

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