I am a regular poster, who has namechanged because essentially, I am ashamed of how I feel
My DD is 20 months old and basically, I have deep feelings of regret for maybe 6 out of 7 days in the week. Regret, that is, that I had her.
Parenthood is much less pleasureable than I had imagined it could be. Granted, there are contributory factors which make me feel like this- namely that I seperated from her father soon after she was born. We were together 3 years, and although we didn't plan her, we were happy enough to proceed with the pregnancy. It was a rocky relationship anyway, so I always feel guilty and downright stupid for getting pregnant in the first place. Really- that feeling will never leave me. It fell apart very rapidly after she was born, but My dd does, however,have an excellent relationship with her father
Mostly though, I feel horrid about how I am with my DD. I work full time and have a boyfriend, but he is not my 'partner' ifyswim. . I find that I can never wait for the time when my dd will go to her fathers so that I can get away from the slog, and be with BF ( how awful does that sound?).If there is an oppportnity for her to go to her dads, I'll often, but not always take it. I find that when bf is around, I'll try to ensure she is with her dad, but when he is working away for example, I miss DD, so arrange for her to be with me during those times. I know this is dreadful and dd will pick up on it eventually.
I find that I have such a negative attitude towards my child, constantly moaning about how much hard work she is. She is, btw, quite demanding, but I imagine in my logical and more lucid moments- no more so than other children of her age. I find sitting down and playing with her insufferably boring and so mostly try to avoid it. Inevitably, my dd vies for my attention even more, then I lose my temper and shout at her. Yes, I shout, sometimes saying dreadful things like 'you've wrecked my life, I hate you'. She doesn't understand the meaning of the words yet, but she will, and she can of course, pick up the horrible negative voice I say them in.
She is a very cautious little child, wont try to climb up/go down stairs on her own, is very tentative and hardly ever tries new things. She isn't a trypical toddler in that sense, that you have to watch her like a hawk. I find this irritating, because it means she wont even walk up a step on her her own, but instead stands at the bottom of it whining, and clutching her doll for dear life, like the step is an abyss to be feared. I hope she'll be feisty, but find myself calling her 'wet', when she does these things.
Some days I find it so hard to be around her, because she whinges alot- truly an awful lot- and I feel so angry, like I might hurt her, so I have to out her upstairs out of my way to calm down.
I took her on holiday a while ago- because I try, really I do try to change how I feel and I want to be better, but she she has a habit of following me around whining this kind of 'heh heh' noise, for no apparant reason, and some days during the holiday I sat and cried, because she literally wouldn't stop. Even when we were doing fun things that she should have enjoyed, like painting, she was still doing the 'heh, heh' noise and I wanted desperately to come home.
This is going to sound crazy- but being around my DD makes me feel incredibly anxious. I'm always waiting for her to 'start', in the whining sense, and because I have such an aversion to the high-pitched noises that my dd ( and of course, most other children make) I am on tenterhooks that she will kick it off at any given moment. I'm always wishing her life away 'I cant wait til she's five', seems to be my favourite. I always convince myself that It'll be better when she's able to communicate with me, as she wont need to screech so much.
My family, who don't live close by, make remarks that I'm not a 'natural' mother - they're not trying to be hurtful, its just banter- but I find that I 'play' up to that label now, and am constantly moaning how how it all is. I tell all and sundry that I would never have another child- and I scare myself with how much conviction I mean this. I dislike being a mother so much that i would never put myself (or a poor child, more to the point) through it again. I'm always, always harking back in my mind to the times when I didn't have her, the freedom i had.
FWIW, I dont think I am depressed. If any of my friends knew how I felt they would be appalled. I have a good job, social life and on most days, feel happy. Its when I come home and my DD is narky, its when I think of the next 16 years of this, or even when my friends are planning a trip away that I cant go on, that my feelings engulf me.
I have made life choices that I wish I hadnt, and nothing is going to change that. But please tell me how I can change how I feel about my little daughter before I ruin everything. I know that I love her- and I do show her a lot of physical affection, but then I ruin it all by regretting her very existence, when she is having anything less than a perfect day.
I await the flaming, and I deserve it, but really, I feel crap enough.