Do you think your "co-parent" should always back you up when you're reprimanding your child, even if they disagree with you?

[emkana]

That's it really

If you don't present a united front then you get the situation described by Furious George. I know a couple like that, the mother had boundries but when she tried to be firm they went to Dad who had no boundries at all and believed in total freedom and 'boys will be boys'. It is hardly surprising that no one wanted to have the 3 boys in their house-their behaviour was dreadful! The couple got divorced when the eldest was 10 yrs old.

Absolutely not! It's not 'them against us', it's all of us equal together. I'm not infallible and I don't want my children to think I am and would rather we all sought common preferences together. If I'm asking the children not to do something, and DH can find a reason why I'm being unreasonable, I would expect him to say so and vice versa.

Although it is absolutely infuriating when it happens, especially when you have to admit they're right.

Example: I say "Please don't play with your food!", DH says "Why not? Look at the fab volcano they're making! They're eating it too." Me: "Oh FFS, don't be so reasonable! Ok, girls, but please remember that it's not really ok to play with your food when we're at other people's houses but while we're at home then go for it".

Children learn about how to accept you were wrong - 'tis a good thing!

"If you don't present a united front then you get the situation described by Furious George."

No, you don't. You only get that situation if the parents aren't communicating properly and aren't generally supporting each other.

No I don't. If I think my DP is wrong when reprimanding one of the children (be it one of my DSSs or my DD) I explain my POV straight away and we have a three-way discussion about it there and then.

Also, I think it's important you both agree on this course of parenting btw. No good if one of you wants a 'united front' and the other doesn't! DH and I both agree on the way we want to parent so it works.

It helps if you both have the same ideas on parenting-DH and I are mainly the same so there isn't a problem. You do need to talk it through and if you can't agree go to parenting classes together.
If you are very different and disagree in front of the DC you are bound to have a situation like FuriousGeorge. If Mum says-'no you can't have a biscuit just before tea' and Dad says 'don't be so mean-of course he can have a biscuit'Mum doesn't stand a chance, because next time she tells him something he doesn't like, he will immediately go to Dad for the decision he wants. Plus the fact that he can then say 'Daddy said I could'. Poor Mum, even at home on her own with him, is faced with 'Daddy will let me when he gets home!' Poor Mum is always the baddy and Dad gets to be the good fun guy-precisely why the couple that I knew got divorced. The boys stayed with Dad-have no boundries and no one wants to be with them!

No. Nor should he. If either of us think the other are out of order we'd not say anything. DH once got cross with me for not backing him up. But as I pointed out I though he was wrong and by not telling him so in front of DS'1 I was backing him as much as I could in all conscience.

We'd discuss it later.

And I really hate the idea that mum and dad are one side and the kids are on the other.

We have a code -'Can I have a quick chat' or 'Can I talk to you in the kitchen.

This means one or the other needs to calm down, change of scenery or the other disagrees.

This sounds very intense and organised but as we chat about new behaviour (good and bad) in the evenings and make decisions as to how we are going to treat it this situation doesn't arise much.

Dh works 7-7/8 mon fri so we need to be good at pulling in the same direction.

...can I add that also includes good stuff as well as the bad! (ie ds 1 has been fab/done something fab that I think dh needs to hear so he can talk to ds about it. I don't want dh always to be the one who hears all the bad stuff. Ds loves the fact that we talk and show that even though dh isn't always there, he is still very much aware of what is going on)

I don't think it puts mum and dad on one side and kids on the other!
On the odd time that we have disagreed one of us has had a quiet word afterwards and the one in the wrong has apologised to the DC, it has usually happened if stressed and they have explained that to DC. e.g I can cook a meal,help with homework, answer the phone and get the washing in, at the same time-DH can't and is likely to snap!

On a very simple level, if I have just said they can't have a biscuit I don't expect DH to hear it and tell them they can have a biscuit-I would expect him to have a quiet word and see if I had a good reason for it first.

No not at all, I'm with Omrian.

I don't like kids v adults at all. I also don't like the parent is always right whatever. I want my dc to be able to discuss things and not just except injustice. If I'm wrong I want to know and learn and in front of the kids. What does it teach kids if an adult gets away with being wrong? I don't want to run a dictatorship.

Dp and I often screw up and I think children just having to except things they know are unfair just breeds resentment and anger. I'd much rather we all discuss things it sets a good example for them if we can except,apologize and move on.

Having said that dp and I rarely disagree about major things(eg a bikini for a 4 year old-that would be a double no then) and would always try to avoid arguing about it in front of the dc. The times we've not backed each other up is if one of has been too harsh or unfair,if one of us aren't behaving properly(ie snapping unfairly) the dc need to see it's not acceptable there and then(they will have forgotten it later and just think they can snap,I can snap).

I don't know if this is right but it works for us.

That would be accept

yes.

it's not always easy and sometimes it's hard not to say something but unless the dicipline is really out of order (a parent taking their bad mood out on a child who hasn't actually done anything should be called up on it and both dp and i have been guilty of this on occasion and the other has intervened) you back the other parent up and 'discuss' it in the next room after the fact.

Yes. Unless the level of discipline is completely inappropriate as others have said. My parents always backed each other up in front of us.

I have since learned that afterwards one might say to the other "actually, she could have done so and so" but in front of us, always united.

Well, I thought about this,, and actully the answer is no. ANd not because I wish to interfer with my exps parenting, but because I could (although wouldn't) have seriously abused those kids and my exp wouldn't have said a word. Not a word. He was too lazy to confront me even when I was wrong unless it directly affected him.

I believe he should have felt able to stop my greater neuroses.

I am surprised that parents showing a united front and then discussing it in private is viewed as 'us and them', arguing in front of the DC or undoing what the other parent has done seem much worse for the poor DC. I can't see where the 'us and them' comes from if you discuss it calmly and sort it out with the DC afterwards. As a DC I know which I preferred! Of course we apologise to the DC if we get it wrong-we are not always right!

See my parents always agreed whatever quite unfairly at times and I hated it,resented it for years. We did feel a them and us attitude frequently. It was like we had no say and I often didn't respect the parent who I felt should have spoken up. It was as if they agreed for the sake of it-pointless.

I don't agree with arguing in front of dc but a vigorous, fair discussion and even undoing at times I applaud.

I think the people who are saying "no" to always showing a united front are just being honest about their and their partner's occasional shortcomings. I back my partner up most of the time and he does me and there is certainly no undermining each other with one taking the pushover role and the other the meanie role as in your biscuit example, piscesmoon. However, on the occasions that my partner is being a silly grumpy eejit and the boys are copping the brunt of him so being I will not allow it to continue and will certainly not back him up. And he is similarly reticent of encouraging any eejit like tendencies of mine that may (very occasionally ) show themselves in my interactions with my babies. This is simply about not allowing anyone in the family to indulge their occasional spoiled despotic bullying evil side to the sadness of all. Kids understand that their parents have bad days and are nasty old plonkweevils sometimes and can see that curbs on them being allowed to be complete prats at such times are needed. They appreciate another adult stepping in and sorting things out and as far as I'm concerned it's the co-parent's job to stop the proverbial rot asap in such situations. Children know this has nothing whatsoever to do with general day to day family rules, which both parents enforce and everything to do with love and protection and not allowing anyone to be a temporary bully just because they're feeling crap.

I'm not talking about taking bad moods out on the children though - that is wrong. I'm talking about discipline which they deserve.

It helps that we have the same standards and expectations - if one is laissez faire and the other is like a camp commondant I can see there would be problems!

Great post Scrummy,that's exactly what I was trying to say,not quite as eloquently

I don't back him up if he is being unreasonable, I discuss it quietly, in private. I really don't think it is good for the well being of the DCs to argue it out in front of them-I would have found it very upsetting as a DC.

I think it is a healthy example of a well-functioning relationship if parents can disagree calmly and politely in front of the children. And it gives children a fabulous example of conflict resolution skills.