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Original poster

followed through with a consequence.....but how do i deal with the aftermath?

30 replies

queenrollo · 01/03/2009 18:33

ds is 3. Pushes the boundaries a little, but is generally a very good boy and doesn't need much persuasion to be good.

This evening he has been hard work. He is allowed to play on my laptop while i cook dinner, but knows he has to turn it off when food is ready. Dp came in to sort the laptop out and ds kicked him when he realised he really did have to turn it off. Apology was requested and given. Then dp took a flag off the sofa and started to fold it ready to take up to ds room, ds started pulling at it to which dp asked him to let go and explained what he was doing. Ds refused to let go and became quite aggressive so he was given a warning that the flag would go in the kitchen bin. He cried and demanded it back so we agreed if he ate his dinner with no messing about he could have it back. He was ok for a while but then started getting stroppy again.....he went to throw a floor cushion and was told that if he did throw it the flag would go in the outside bin, and that once it was there then he didn't get it back. He threw the cushion (after some thought) and so flag is in the outside bin.

Now i have a very remorseful child.....who is heartbroken and sobbing. I'm finding it very hard indeed to deal with seeing him so upset. I have to put him to bed soon and don't fancy my chances of it being easy tonight as he is repeatedly asking for his flag back with promises of 'i won't throw the cushion ever again' and 'i'm sorry, i will be a good boy'........

I can't go and get the flag out of the bin.....i told him once it went in there that was it. But how do i move forward from this? He has just said to me......'but i've said two sorrys now, please mummy can i have it back?'

what do i do......i don't want my little boy to be upset but i also don't want to make a rod for my own back?

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FromGirders · 01/03/2009 18:37

sorry, but you have to stay firm. the flag is gone, do not get it out of the bin or promise to replace it.
He will learn a valuable lesson from this - that mummy and daddy mean what they say.

oopsagain · 01/03/2009 18:38

sorry!
have alot fo sym[pathy but no real answer.
I'm a rubbish inconstent parent.

But i'd probably stick with it- it will setlle in the end.

maybe he can earn it back over some days????

ie he helps with idying for three days and gets it back?

my 3yr old would then start bargainng with that tho

he's smart

HumphreyCobbler · 01/03/2009 18:38

I would try to avoid threatening to throw things in the bin in future, it just makes things harder. I think it would be ok to get the flag out of the bin and explain that you have changed your mind. I honestly don't think that this one action will result in long term harm to his behaviour.

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rollmop · 01/03/2009 18:39

I think it needs to stay in the bin unfortunately.

I've kicked myself a few times for threatening consequences that I don't really want to follow through. It's worth trying to have consequences that aren't too "final" (eg not getting the flag until tomorrow or similar) as a get out.

LeninGrad · 01/03/2009 18:39

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FromGirders · 01/03/2009 18:40

Dealing with aftermath - when he asks for flag, just simply say "no, it's gone now" and try to change the subject. If he keeps going on, then explain very simply in the minimum number of words "mummy said the flag would go in the bin if you threw the cushion. you threw the cushion, now the flag is in the bin" - don't be lured into huge conversations, discussions and debates about the subject, just move on as quickly as you can.
If necessary, start singing.

HumphreyCobbler · 01/03/2009 18:40

The key is to think about what you threaten!

I say this as a primary teacher who has bitterly regretted the odd comment made in her NQT year....

janeite · 01/03/2009 18:40

Could you try something like: here is a picture of (whoever he likes) and here are some stickers. You can get a sticker for doing x, y or z. When you have ten stickers we can go and buy/sit and make a new flag.

FromGirders · 01/03/2009 18:42

No, no NO, you inconsistent lot.
If mummy says don't do it or x will happen, you need to stick to that! Otherwise all you are teaching them is that if mumy says x will happen then I just need to cry for y amount of time, then I will get my own way!!!

janeite · 01/03/2009 18:43

Agree that next time, the flag (or whatever)goes in a high cupboard or something, not in the bin!

HumphreyCobbler · 01/03/2009 18:47

lol at "If necessary start singing"

Very sound advice imo

Original poster
queenrollo · 01/03/2009 18:49

the reason it has gone in the bin is that the few times in the past that his behaviour has warranted this he has been told a toy will be removed and he can have it back after a certain time (have tried charts, giving him simple jobs etc) He has just shrugged his shoulders and said 'ok'.....so his dad and i talked and decided that we needed to step up the consequence for bad behaviour.(i am separated from his dad, we have shared custody and things are very amicable)

Certainly the permanance of this consequence is sinking in for him and hopefully i won't have to resort to this again.

I have a friend who repeatedly threatens consequences to her son and NEVER follows through.....and has an uncontrollable child on her hands as a result.

Flag is staying in the bin. About to put him to bed and will see how it goes.

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FromGirders · 01/03/2009 18:53

Seriously.
If he gets really stroppy, start singing. It is not physically possible to get stressed and lose the rag while singing "Doh a dear".

FromGirders · 01/03/2009 18:54

And well done for following through and sticking to it. I may be old-fashioned, but I think it is the biggest problem with badly behaved children these days. They need to learn that no means no.

janeite · 01/03/2009 18:54

Yep - singing is always good! I often recommend "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen" too - might help with future episodes.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 01/03/2009 18:55

Good for you.

spicemonster · 01/03/2009 19:00

It sounds like you've done a good thing. Sometimes you have to up the ante a bit.

piscesmoon · 01/03/2009 19:17

You have done the right thing. Singing or other humour is the best way out. It is hard but it will be worth it in the long run. If you give the flag back, next time he will test you to the limit knowing that he can turn on the tears and apologise.

Jux · 01/03/2009 19:25

TBH I'd get the flag and hide it for a year!

Original poster
queenrollo · 01/03/2009 19:40

he's gone to bed without too much bother. at singing.....we are a musical household but he only likes me singing if he asks me to sing to him, otherwise he tells me quite bluntly to shut up!
he asked again why his flag was in the bin, i said what FromGirders wrote in her 18.40 post, and he seems to have now accepted that no amount of crying and apologising is going to get it back.
I hope he has learnt that I will not back down and think twice about mis-behaving like this again.

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CharleeInChains · 01/03/2009 19:52

I really feel for you.

My DS1 is 4 and he is plain horrible at the moment. I really hate saying that but he is, if he wern't mine i would be trying to have little to do with him tbh.

We have had to start toughening up on his punishments becuase he quite frankly doesn't geiv a toss about taking things away for small amounts of time or time out ect. We are still doing time outs but only to give us all a bot of space to calm down.

He was told in town on saturday after pulling things off shelves that if he misbehaved again he would loose his treat in town, usually we say this but end up giving in but this time he played up and he lost his treat so he had to sit and watch DS2 eat a pack of chocolate buttons while he had nothing. I hate doing it but i am close to loosing it, i just don't know what to do with him, he throws, he refuses point blank to tidy up and he seem dead set on winding the world up. If he is pulled up on it he laughs in my face or adopts a baby full on exagerated lisp and starts singing in my face.

So anyway after that rant, well dont for staying storng and in controll and i know what your going through.

We need a 3,4,5 terror support thread!

FromGirders · 01/03/2009 19:53

Well done for sticking to your guns. It is hard, but you only make it harder in the long run if you give in (which you obviously already know!)
With us it was a balamory play-doh bus. Had a good long-term effect, because for several months afterwards, I could threaten to take something away, and if ds showed signs of disbelief, I could just say "remember Edie's bus . . .!" and he would think twice.
Oh dear, I sound like a right harridan .

CharleeInChains · 01/03/2009 19:54

Sorry i just read my last post through its ounds awful.

Please note - i love my son very much, im just not liking him an awful lot at the moment.

FromGirders · 01/03/2009 19:56

Oh, and sometimes I have to sing whether the kids like it or not - otherwise I will shout, and it's a downward slope from there. Started doing it when they were tiny and screamed blue murder in the bath, and it's stuck. Find it helps me stay in control and calm, as it regulates my breathing.

Original poster
queenrollo · 01/03/2009 20:04

Charlee - of course you love him, but it is such a frustrating thing to deal with. My ds generally only displays this sort of behaviour at home, and of course it's so much easier to deal with here where i can walk away from him when i need a couple of minutes to calm down.

From Girders........you don't sound like a harridan at all, and thankyou for your advice/support.

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