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Original poster

Parents with two children close in age.

35 replies

Ebb · 19/02/2009 10:13

Did you feel you missed out on things with your first child if you had a second quite quickly? Ds is 9mths and, obviously, I'd like a second at some stage. I can't decide whether to try for a close age gap or leave it for a couple of years. Time is ticking slightly as the Doctor reminded me today but I worry if I have two close together I won't get to enjoy the baby stage as much with Ds as I'll be busy with a new baby too. Not sure if any of that makes sense but thoughts/advice/experiences would be appreciated and maybe I ought to discuss it with Dp too!

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Mum1369 · 19/02/2009 10:43

My DS1 was 2 when I had DS2 - I did worry about this too (I wanted a bigger gap but couldn't wait any longer for medical reasons) and I have found that actually, it is DS2 that has missed out more. As he is now a toddler, he does not get half as much attention as his brother did at the same ages - lots of classes etc. - because the older one doesn't start school yet.
However, I am hoping that with them being so close in age they will be great mates and play together much more.
So I suppose there are pros and cons - i like to think it may be more difficult for me in the short term (lots of juggling) - but it will be much nicer for them in the long run.

Tommy · 19/02/2009 10:47

there are 19 months betweeen my eldest two. I would recommend a smaller gap TBH. There is 5 years between DS3 and 3 and there's wuite hard work. DS1 and 2 get on really well and play together all the time. It was hard work at the beginning (although harder with DS3 as had to get others to school!) but easier in the long run I think.

Don't feel that DS1 missed out at all - if anything, DS2 missed out a bit with the baby things as we were busy doing toddler things with DS1!

JODIEhadtoomanymincepies · 19/02/2009 10:51

DS1 was 21 months when DS2 was born and it's OK, there are pros and cons, e.g They will only be 1 year apart at school (DS1 Sept and DS2 July babies) so I can start earning money without having to pay for childcare sooner!!! When they get older they will be at the sae stage in things like swimming etc (one mum I know has 4 years age gap and says it's a nightmare for trips and stuff as they aren't 'into' the same things, for example, she can't take her toddler to the cinema when the older one wants to see something, esp as it's half term now, also things like playing football in park, older one gets frustrated with younger one coz he doesn't play properly) Also my sister and I have a 4 year age gap and, growing up, she wanted to hang on my coat tails (she's younger), and she was soooooo annoying (esp. when trying to bag the local hunk!)

But then I have 2 in nappies, and more often than not, there is always someone crying in this house (Often it's me!) DS1 on the whole is good now and is used to DS2 (now 7 months) I'd recommend close age gap, hard at first, but (I hope) easier as they get older.

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JODIEhadtoomanymincepies · 19/02/2009 10:54

Oh yeah and I felt guilty as I didn't take DS2 to any classes, and DS1 went to everything going, but really, what do they learn from them? It's just an excuse for us mums to get together and have a chin wag! I don't think DS2 has missed out on anything. He still gets loads of cuddles, which is the main thing!

4andnotout · 19/02/2009 10:57

I have my 2 youngest close together, dd3 is 13 months older than dd4, i feel like i didn't get time to enjoy my pregnancy and get excited as i already had a small baby to enjoy iykwim. Im hoping that they will be close as they grow up.

Twims · 19/02/2009 11:02

I know of a family where there are 11 months between their 2 children and the older 1 is babied more as I think the mother feels she/he missed out on the baby stage - whereas the baby (now 11 months) is more "overlooked"

MmeLindt · 19/02/2009 11:06

My DD was 2 in April when DS was born in July, so just over 2 years between them.

The first 6 months of DS's life were hard, I was glad that I had a lot of support from my parents and PILS. I did have emergency CS and PND though, so with a normal birth, things might have been easier.

After that it has got steadily easier. I find that they play really well together. They are very close, the school and kindergarten often commented on the fact that they really love each other to bits and enjoy playing together.

DD was (just) out of nappies when DS arrived so that helped. Saying that, I would not have wanted to wait 4 years and then go back to the nappies/bottles stage.

Now they are almost 7yo and 4.5yo and are great fun. I am very glad that they are close in age as they are easy to keep amused. They both go to similar activities and so I am not running about all over town with them.

Sawyer64 · 19/02/2009 11:09

I personally think a gap of 18mths-2.5 yrs approx is good.

I have a 2.3 yr gap between DD1 and DD2.

Inevitably there is squabbling over toys etc. but they are learning to play nicely together as the months pass.

They are each others playmate,so the "burden" on you is less.

DD2 has learned everything so much faster,because she has a constant example by her side.

I haven't done as much with DD2 as I have with DD1,but as DD1 has now started school I am starting to do more with DD2 now.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 19/02/2009 11:09

Yeah I do feel I never really noticed dd being 1, as I got pg when she was 9 months and was quite sick.
OTOH I really appreciated the new baby stage with her as I never did with dc2. I don't think it matters at all in the long term. You have less attention to give them but they get attention from each other instead.

JODIEhadtoomanymincepies · 19/02/2009 11:19

Funny, I noticed DS2 as a baby more, maybe coz I was a bit more relaxed, and maybe because I know he'll be my last I've treasured him more IYKWIM. DS1 was a nightmare baby, and I was neurotic! Now I've found MN I'm less PFB about it all!!

Original poster
Ebb · 19/02/2009 11:23

Thankyou ladies. That's given me lots to think about. Guess I need to find out Dp's views. There is only 13mths between him and his sister so I suspect he'd be quite keen on a close age gap. Just need to decide if we can financially work it. My job ended with my pregnancy so no maternity pay this time unless I can find a job before I have another. Dilemas!

OP posts:
JODIEhadtoomanymincepies · 19/02/2009 11:27

Ebb, if you pay your NI (think something like 2.30 a week) for 13 weeks before you gon on Maternity, you will be entiled to Full Maternity Allowance (£117 per week)

phdlife · 19/02/2009 11:33

this has been a really good thread to find. ds will be 2 the week after #2 arrives (assuming #2 doesn't come early!) and I've been fretting a wee bit over Steve Biddulph saying that 2 years means a v competitive relationship. Have been trying to convince myself that would be more a matter of personality. Sounds like that's the case...

Original poster
Ebb · 19/02/2009 11:40

Jodie thankyou. That's really useful to know. Good ammunition for Dp too!

OP posts:
JODIEhadtoomanymincepies · 19/02/2009 11:59

Check it first though Ebb but that what I got (but am registered as Self Employed)

MmeLindt · 19/02/2009 12:50

phdlife
My two are already 4 and 6 and show no signs of being particularly competitive. In fact, they share as well as two children of that age are able to. Perhaps that is just because DD is always the first to give in to her little brother or because DS is so laid back, he is almost horizontal.

Othersideofthechannel · 19/02/2009 13:04

21 month age gap, boy and a girl. It was very hard work (two in nappies) but it is fab now as they have a lot of similar interests.

Of course you have less one on one time over all but when you have a 2 year old and a baby, the two year old can have your attention when the baby naps. Also the 2 year old will be interested in the baby's toys and presents. And when the baby starts crawling there is no worry about him swallowing up a tiny bead or bit of Lego because the older one will still be into Duplo.

gladders · 19/02/2009 13:13

same as a lot of other posts - 22 month gap, boy then girl.

as we were building up to it, it felt fine - 2 years is a fairly standard gap, but the reality of the first few months was hellish - 2 lots of nappies, very little sleep and no quality of life. I can remember sobbing trying to read ds a bedtime story (something i had loved doing before dd)and realising that this special time was never going to be the same again...

BUT - that was the first 3 months. she settled down well, story time retsrated properly (half an hour later, after dd had gone to bed) and life got back to normal.

now when i look back at photos, ds was really only a baby when she was born, and i do think it has made him grow up faster than he would otherwise have done.

similarly, i do wonder whether dd has had all the attention she has needed. her speech is still pretty limited at age 2.5.

BUT - they are actually best friends already and barring the occasional spat, they play nicely together and look out for each other.

my sister and i are 4 years apart and i don't think we were ever this close as children.

Febes · 19/02/2009 13:26

I am 29 weeks Pg and have a 15 month old DD so she will be 17 and a half months when Lo arrives. I'm a bit orried both financially and physical how it will all work as I have no family to support. DH is great though and I figure that they will both be at school within a 18 month of eachother so I'll be freed up to go back to work.
I guess you make it happen and there are pros and cons of all age gaps. I'm looking forward to enjoying the baby stage again as I feel more relaxed about it this time and being a full time mum and being able to take DD to toddler groups etc. I'm working 4 days a week at the moment and I miss DD so much.
I feel a bit bad that we didn't do much on DDs birthday back in Nov as I was in the middle of morning sickness and so tired but she won't remember and I did make a cake and there are lots of photos so no real harm done.

psychomum5 · 19/02/2009 13:41

I have 8yrs between my eldest and youngest, five of them in total, so roughly one evey two years.

closest age gap is 17mths, largest is 34mths, and they all get on lovely (unless hormones get in the way).

I do sometimes look at DD1 and wonder where the time went (she is rising 15), but then, I also look at DS2 (6yrs) and think the same. time goes so quick regardless of amount of children and gaps that I think they gain (and lose out) fairly equally (IYGWIM).

I will say, I would never change my gaps, and I would never want larger gaps. I think they get on better because they are similar ages, can do similar things, and there seems to be no arguements over interests because they all like similar activities.

LoveaDAISYcal · 19/02/2009 13:53

I have 17 months between my youngest two, and it is hard at first but DS2 is almost 16 weeks now and I feel we are turning a corner. As others have said, i think the younger one misses out more, as I'm conscious of the fact that I need to give DD my attention incase she feels rejected and left out in favour of the baby. When they are both crying I always deal with her first, so poor DS2 is second fiddle really.

However, saying that, she does understand that when he needs feeding, his needs must come first over everyone else's.

He is starting to pay more attention to the world around him, and loves watching her play. I can see that they are going to be great friends and playmates in a few months.

The gap between my older two is five years, and although that was good in terms of DD being like a newborn again and me having lots of time when DS1 was at school to play with her and cuddle her all day if I wanted to, it is a much more difficult gap to manage with respect to toys, TV, food etc, as what is suitable for him isn't usually suitable for her.

ohdearwhatamess · 19/02/2009 16:33

21 months between mine. A small gap is good, imo. Gets the whinging baby/sleepless nights phase over and done with, and means they're likely to be much closer to one another. I think ds1 was young enough not to get upset or jealous by the arrival of a sibling - would be quite different if the gap was nearer 3 years, I think.

Mine (now 12mo and 2.9 years) play together now, and ds1 makes ds2 giggle a lot - it is very cute.

I don't think ds1 has missed out on anything, but ds2 certainly has - he just can't get the attention that ds1 would have done, and we certainly don't do all the activities (swimming, baby classes, even trips out) that I did with ds1 because it is just such a PITA to do them with 2. But a lot of that stuff was just done to fill in the days, and more for my benefit than the dcs, so I don't worry too much.

First year is very hard work, but it gets easier.

Thankyouandgoodnight · 19/02/2009 20:02

I have two things to say about my two being 19 months apart:

  1. I absolutely love it.
  2. There are going to be pros and cons for any age gap.
Pitchounette · 19/02/2009 20:26

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Breizhette · 19/02/2009 20:53

DD is 2.1 and DS 7 month and it is very tiring. I am BFeeding and co-sleeping (as I did for DD). I sometimes feel I don't have enough time for DD, I just try and make my time with her special. But it's sometimes hard to have patience with a vey energetic toddler when the baby is crying and you haven't slept in months.
But, DS is fascinated by his big sister and will watch her play for hours. It is getting easier though.