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Original poster

Did I Do The Right Thing?

28 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 18/02/2009 11:56

Very quick background history.

exp and I split up when ds1 was 22m old. he saw him on n off for 8m then disappeared. This went on for a few years and partly because i allowed ds1 to dictate whether he wanted to see his father or not...MY MISTAKE! anyway when he was 7 I met dp and we went on to have ds2.

DS1 has had behaviour problems since he was 4 1/2 to the point that police have been called by neighbours because he screams so loud and throws himself around. He has seen a child psychologist and they all come to the same conclusion, HE WILL STOP WHEN HE IS READY AS HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING!!!!!!!!!!

So today he kicked off again, i text his father and told him i needed to talk to him as a matter of urgency and for once he actually replied he called me up and we spoke for 35 minutes. He has said he is happy to see ds1 as long as he is not going to muck about again and chop and change his mind as it hurt him when ds1 did this. It was left that I will talk to ds1 and let exp know by next weekend what ds1 wants.

I am at the end of my tether to the point that I am looking at boarding schools for him.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 18/02/2009 12:06

I think that you have done the right thing and it is good that you are talking to your exp. If you can manage it I think that it would be a good thing to talk to your DS together. Your exp should be thinking of what is best for your DS and not about whether he will get hurt. He is the adult and can cope.
I would work out when he is going to see exp
and make it very consistent with neither side chopping and changing on whim.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/02/2009 12:10

Pisces, I am so confused tbh. Exp just said he always wanted to see ds1 BUT when ds1 did agree to see him it was only if he was with me as well. Never alone, and this made exp uncomfortable so he says. He has said this is something he doesn't want to do again, he will see him but only if it is alone.

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piscesmoon · 18/02/2009 12:22

Hi, I only meant together to explain to DS what was going to happen as a joint thing so that your DS could see that it was properly arranged, consistent and he couldn't play off one against the other.
It sounds as if your DS is a bit worried about being alone as he doesn't know him well. I would suggest that they start with very short contact e.g a game of football in the local park and work up from there.

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alicet · 18/02/2009 14:17

Good advice from picesmoon i think.

I can totally understand why you gave your son the choice about seeing his dad esp as he wasn't around for a while. But in hindsight maybe ds1 has found this confusing and the choice has been too much for him.

Maybe make it a regular thing - say every Sat. For the first couple of times go along with him, then short visits as pices says, building up to the whole day at a pace that exp and ds1 can both cope with.

You might find there will be times when ds1 refuses to go but as long as you think he will not come to any harm with exp (and it sounds not from your posts) I would be firm and tell him this isn't a choice. Equally your exp needs to know that if he is choosing to be a parent then he has to take the rough with the smooth and not cave too quickly if ds1 plays up as then ds1 will know exactly what to do if he doesn't want to visit!

Good luck

FloriaTosca · 18/02/2009 21:53

I agree with Pisces and Alice...if you and exp are singing from the same hymn sheet, backing each other up, your Ds will hopefully realise that no matter where he turns certain behaviours are simply not acceptable to anybody.
Hope you can get exp fully on board and hope ds improves

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/02/2009 22:01

exp has sent message to say he will see him as a one off and talk to him...... now what????

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piscesmoon · 18/02/2009 22:29

I think that it is unfortunate that your exp is treating your DS as an equal. He is a very young child and needs the security of the adults in his life behaving like adults.
I really think you need to talk to your exp first-or write him a letter if this isn't possible. He needs to forget his feelings and do what is best for his DS.
You need to set up a workable arrangement that starts off very low key but regular, so that they can get to a normal father/son relationship where they both feel comfortable. Your DS needs to know that everyone is in agreement and everyone is there for him how ever tough it gets. Your DS has had a lot of power up to now and he can play one off against the other. Your exp needs to understand that you don't just parent the good bits-you hang on in however hard it gets.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/02/2009 22:56

Pisces, he last saw him in March 2006!!!!!!!! and that was for an hour. Before that he had not seen him for 9 months. And prior to that he had not seen him since 15th January 2004, i remember the date as it was my dads funeral.

OP posts:
Coldtits · 18/02/2009 23:04

I'm not remotely surprised your ds doesn't wish to be alone with a stranger. Your ds is not responsible for your ex's hurt feelings - he is 7 years old and the last time he was even able to hurt your ex's feelings by refusing to see him, he was 4.

YOu and his dad should decide, as long as you are confident his dad is not abusive and will not let him down. YOu and his dad shouold come to an agreement and you should both stick to it, come hell or high water.

You probably think (and I mean you jointly) that you are doing a good thing by allowing your ds to have so much say in the major decisions of his life, but he will be thinking to himself "WHy are they asking me, I'm a child, don't they know what to do? Oh my GOD these people don't know what they're doing!" - he will be insecure.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/02/2009 23:13

Coldtits,
he is 10 1/2, not that that makes it better. I was the one who allowed him to make his own mind up for a long time and things were smoother.
DS1 would be spitting feathers if he read this (not that he would be) because you have called my exp his dad!!! he has refused to give him that honor since he was 3 years old.

I have tried numerous times to make sure the access was there... EXP says he will only see him if ds1 doesn't change his mind as it has taken exp all this time to get his head sorted out......... hmmmmmmm my nerves shot up when he said that.

I should add my reasons for letting ds1 decide was because i was on very bad terms with exp as he had been very voilent to me. This is another reason (I think) that ds1 is dubious of him,
In hindsight i think I was wrong for calling him but i was at the end of my tether...feel awful now and have lots of cuddles with my PFB who is very quiet and needs my love big time tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/02/2009 23:15

have had lots of cuddles i meant

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Coldtits · 18/02/2009 23:25

Ok. In view of the violence, I do see why you have backed away from making the decision for your son.

Are you cast iron sure that his dad was good to him when he did see him?

Also given his age, it may be a bit of hormones going on thar?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/02/2009 23:33

Coldtits no he wasn't good to him, he would take him to the dragons his mothers and because ds1 doesn't eat pork she would deliberatly cook it knowing he would go without, so he would be sent home with a bag of biscuits, I say bag it had 2 in it.
he never took him out out iyswim.

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/02/2009 23:34

Would agree there are hormone attacks going on and also the fact he is very tearful backs this up, and he doesn't want to leave junior school

OP posts:
Coldtits · 18/02/2009 23:35

Why are some absent parents such complete twunts?

I feel really for your Ds1, his dad vanishing must have confused him so much. He (your ex) sounds like a complete prick.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/02/2009 23:41

Coldtits, pass ds1 was 22m old when he went first time and after visiting for i think it was 6-8 months he fucked off went out of his life again as he was shagging a new woman working hard. DS1 grew a little older and saw things for himself...and he got hurt.

I think some of this is adjusting to new things, new brother etc. He doesn't want to see the ex as his dad if that makes sense, just wants to talk to him and when I came to bed at 10.30 he was laying on his bed looking deep in thought, he had written him a letter saying "G is my daddy, you are my father - biologically but thats it" it did have more in than that but thats what stuck out.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 07:50

The problem is that your DS is deeply hurt by it all-hence the behaviour problems. The problem seems to be that your exp is likely to make it worse and although your DS says that he doesn't see him as his dad, he feels the rejection.
I would have one more go with your exp and try to get him to see that DS is the child and he is the adult and has to be consistent and give the unconditional love.From his past behaviour I think that it is unlikely that he can get beyond his own feelings and so I think that you and your DP need to sit down and explain that although his biological father loves him he is probably not going to manage to be the father that he wants and make sure that he knows that he is loved as a step child and equal to DS2. If it doesn't work out with exp I would just say that he is one of those people who don't get on well with children and maybe things will be better when he is an adult.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/02/2009 09:22

Pisces, Thanks for your advice!!!
DS1 was awake until 2.30am when I finally got him to settle down and calm down. I feel awful having made the call to exp in the first place I really do BUT in my defence everyday is a battle with ds1 and he always blames it on the fact his father doesn't want him, or see him. SO i did what I could to sort out a visit. He is in such a state now and is begging me not to make him see him just like he used to when he was 3 years old.....so yes I do feel crap about what i have done. DP feels he cannot say anything to him in the way of advice as he doesn't want ds1 to feel he is influencing him into going or not iyswim? He loves ds1 like his own son and wants to adopt him, when I had ds2 dp made ds1 a promise that ds2 would have my surname until he adopted ds1 and then they would both have his surname. He didn't even go on ds2's birth cert so that he woul have to adopt them both and they would both have his name then......I didn't think this was the right thing to do but he did not want ds1 to feel left out. Maybe he is wrong for doing that But I can see what he was doing.

Anyway I digress. DS1 has told me this morning that he doesn't want to see exp and will email him but not see him....now even I am confused.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 19/02/2009 10:10

Im a bit lost - the boys father refuses to see him and you are wondering why he has behavioural issues? Forgive me if i have that wrong? Not blaming you by the way

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/02/2009 10:30

Lucy, no I am not wondering why he has behaviour issues. BUT tbh if he had only just gone I would be able to understand better. EXP went when ds1 was 22 months old and has not seen or spoken to him at all since march/april 2006. DS1 changes his reasons for misbehaving weekly, so far it has been because
he wants a pet (not allowed animals in our flat)
wants a car bed (we got it when we moved to our new flat)
wants an mp3 player (got it for xmas)
wants a mobile (had one for his 8th birthday)
wants to go on school journey (refuse to pay £350 for 5 days away for one person)
wants to spend more time with me( I have 2 children and have to share my time between them, ds1 is 10 not 2 and can understand this)
wants to spend more time with dp (they go fishing every weekend without fail)
Because exp doesn't see him (if I counted on up how many times he has actually seen him in the last 8 yrs it would not amount to more than 40 times)
wants to go to eurodisney (he has been twice now)
the list is endless. I am the last person to defend exp as to be honest if he dropped dead tomorrow it would not be soon enough...sorry if thats a nasty thing to say! But they are as bad as each other, ds1 wanted to see exp so i made contact yesterday and now he has told me NOW arrangements are made that he doesn't want to go. This is what he did so many times and lets face it even adults can take rejection only so many times.

I Just wish there was an easy soloution to all of this.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 19/02/2009 10:37

sorry Lady, my post was a bit insensitive - don't know why i wrote that. Your son sounds like a bit of a spoilt brat - I say that because my DD1 was, well still is a spoilt brat and pretty much what you listed there would be the things she would kick off over. Could you be trying to over compensate for things and indulging him too much?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/02/2009 10:41

Lucy, I am the first to admit for a long time I over indulged him to compensate for exp not being there. Obviously now with ds2 as well I have HAD to cut back as there are things ds2 needs which obviously i need the money for.

Your post was not insensitive, tbh i should have explained it all properly at the start but was so upset yesterday i could not think straight.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 17:19

At least you seem to have a great DP! I would concentrate on the family unit that you have but I think that you and DP should sit down with DS and have a serious talk because DS seems to be the one in charge! I think he needs some boundries.He also needs consequences for his behaviour, if the child psychologist says that he knows what he is doing and could stop I would say that you should take very active steps in stopping it. I would go ahead with the meeting with exp as it was DS who wanted to talk to him in the first place.
I would keep the meeting very short and somewhere local. Explain that is just a short getting to know you meeting and he will not be forced into something that he doesn't want.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/02/2009 21:39

Pisces, exp has already said he will not see ds1 unless it is alone and ds1 has said he will not see him unless we are all there.....

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piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 23:06

It seems to be stalemate then!
I would just cancel, but still have the discussion with DP and DS and stop compensating him for lack of exp with material goods.I would discuss his behaviour while he is calm and put in consequences.