Can you tell me your opinions please

[feelverysad]

I have had a Big fallout with a freind and am very very upset and could really do with some opinions please.
I have for some time worried about my lo ,the usuals, speech ,development etc.
He is my first and only and has not settled well at preschool etc ,they have said that he settles but then wants to know when I am coming to get him and the like.last week his last 2 sessions however they said he had seemed better.
anyway to cut a long story short cos I am going on now I had been telling my freind how upsetting it was and and how upsetting it was getting for him and she said that it was'nt right that he was like that after 6 weeks of going and that he wasn't very well developed socially etc etc.
I was quite upset astbh she has said things before anyway when I got to the school I asked them how he was and asked them if they would tell me if anything 'odd' flagged up and they said he was normal,fine happy boy no problems and that of course they would tell me[my freind had said they were't allowed to do so]
So I avoided speaking to my freind cos tbh I was reaally upset by how emphatic she had been-[she thought autism/aspergers]anyway today we have spoken and it has been awful.
Basically she has said that she thinks my son has definately got something severely wrong with him and that I have caused it by abusing him.
She says that abused children don't want to be left by their abusers and that is why my son is like this.
she has snt my dh a text to say that i am abusing lo and that not leave ss with me.
And that I am wracked with guilt and and that is why I cried when my lo got upset when he saw her smacking her lo.
now here is where i need your help please I will be very
honest I once did lose it and rang her crying because I had ,we were going through a very hard time , my dh ahd lost his job ,worries about money just all the usual life stuff and I am ashamedto say I did something truly awful.my lo was 2ish and kept shouting /screaming was kicking at me to go downstairs and all of a sudden there was red mist and I picked him up and and went to the banister and hung him over and said you want to go down and then I realise what I was doing and hugged him to me and kept saying I was sorry.I was so bad And it was so awful Irang her in a state it was awful and so on that score she is right i am an abuser.this was nearly a year ago.
he also used to be scared of the hoover and i would say when he was nughty that if he did not stop i would put him in with the hoover and once i actually did for not even 2 seconds [did not even shut the door properly] but again this happened not even three times and again have all been in times of real stress.
Now I have not done any of these things for nearly a year and I do recognise that they were bad bad things but i now try and reason ,very rarely do we get into the tangles now -yes we have the usual tantrums but we also do lots of very good positive stuff.
we paint , we cook, we read , we go for walks -allsorts and generally have lots of good fun .he is like my little best freind.
I do still shout sometimes but always always say sorry and expain that sometimes we do get cross.
I asked him today if he is happy with mummy and he said yes ,i asked hi if he thinks i am mean to him and he said no I said do i hurt hima nd he said no cos that would be mean and he said no you hug me and kiss me and play with me.
Is she right am i child abuser?
I am in bits
I swear I do not do anything like that now and that anyone could talk to my lo or ss I have nothing to hide
I told her this and she just said that of course I would have got my story straight
please someone help me i love my angel so much these things i have siad they are literally the ones i have said
this is very long and i am sorry

oh sweetheart, of course you aren't a child abuser.
I agree that the things you did were pretty bad, but you recognise that, and the fact is you've changed and no longer do it... because you can control that.

she sounds like the kind of friend you could easily do without.

I also think that you sound as though you maybe lack support? do you have other friends or family nearby?

some children just don't settle at pre-school, some are fine, others take time and the pre-school wouold definitely tell you if they had any worries regarding his behaviour. but it sounds like he is doing just fine.

I don't think you're a child abuser. I'm horrified by the things you did, but I'm certain far more parents cock up in that way than are honest enough to tell anyone about. I think you're honest and so many parents aren't. Your son is normal for not wanting to be left at pre-school.

I can't imagine what you feel like. What a shit friend you have.

Lots of us have done terrible things but it is when we see no wrong in what we have done, that it is a problem.

I won't specifically mention anything but all what your friend has said is bollocks.

My DD went to playschool for 5 months and was no more settled at the end than at the beginning. Wrong place for her. Nothing to do with her or me.

She doesn't sound like a friend! She is making you doubt your abilities, being a parent is hard.
I agree with thisisyesterday. He sounds fine but you do sound as if you could do with some support. If you haven't got more friends or family close by I would recommend parenting classes- I went to them and it is great for discussing problems with others. Your DS loves you-you don't need to ask him.

thankyou for your replies.
I realise and understand the things i have done were bad but i promise they have never been ongoing they literally have been as explained [not that i think that makes it better]
no we have no family nearby [in another country]and have only lived here 2 years so am starting to make freinds but it has been slow and we have also had a very rough ride.
but i just keep thinking she is right.
I set out to be a wonderful mum and I think for the most part I try hard, my lo and ss both tell me they love me without necsesarly prompting them ,i try and do lots of 'goodstuff'
I think sometimes i fail miserably and it is for that i feel wracked with guilt.
but every day i hug him ,every day itell him how clever and good he is ,we still co sleep and tbh i do spend a lot of time with him my dh works vv long hours [but at least he has a job]
and so pretty much its him and me
i feel really upset and keep crying
btw the school said that he is vv bright and one of the kindest boys they had come across and that not to worry he just loves me vv much and that he was llike it because it was pretty much me and him alone

awww feelverysad, it sounds like you're doing a grand job in not the easiest of circumstances.

whereabouts in the country are you? perhaps some other mumsnetters could point you in the direction of local groups and things that might help?

thanks thisisyesterday tbh although he is not keen on preschool it has been good for us as it has helped us to meet more mums. I do do alot of stuff with him,we go on tresure hunts[collecting leaves and other such stuff that boys like to collect],we go to the library, we go puddle stomping all that kind of stuff.
but sometimes you can be very busy but still lonely ifyswim.
i just feel sick.
and then i keep remebering that she said i am the cause and i just cry more cos probably she is right
i don't deserve such a lovely little boy do i

she is not right! it sounds like you do tons of fab stuff with him and love him dearly.

you just sound like you've lost all your confidence

I think you sound as if you do need some support - you are obviously a little depressed or lacking in confidence, or something. I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job on the whole but you seem pretty anxious about parenthood and this may have a negative effect in some ways. Can you speak to members of your family or anything? BTW I'm not saying you sound like an abuser in anyway but this wracked with guilt thing does seem like a low self esteem.

We all have bad parenting habits, but I have to say I think holding a child over the banister and threatening them, and also making your child face their 'worst' fear as a punishment is quite extreme.

OMG you sound like a fab mum! your 'friend' is not right and is spiteful. You're son is very lucky to have a mum who questions her parenting because it is good mothers who do that. Crap ones are ones that think they're wonderful and that they are always doing it right (because invariably they are not!).

Sorry, am I missing something or is everyone else? OP held child over banister and threatened to drop them. That is not FAB!

spaceman you are right I am not fab
but it was a one off incident and was so shocked myself it had happened.
also i didnt actually hold him over the bannister just got as far as lifting him before realising what i was actually doing.
as for his fear of the hoover again it was wrong and i have said it was no more than 3 times but i actually know i only did it once and threatened him with it twice.
[actually he is obsessed with hoovers and has 3 it was the noise he did not like but now begs to use my hoover]
you are also right that i seem to be lacking confidence i do.
i have only my upbringing to compare to and that was vv strict with hardly any hugs or kisses -lots of learning how to make do etc but not hugs and kisses.
not excuses or reasons just facts.

spaceman, no, that isn't fab. but it was one time, the op realises how wrong it was and has never done anytrhing like that again.

her description of the time spent with her little boy, the things they do and the effort she makes to keep him happy and the fact that she clearly adores him sound fab

you can't judge someone on one bad thing they did

spaceman you mean you've never nearly done something in an extreme fit of temper that you bitterly regret and that made you feel like the shittest mum in the world?

No one's said what the OP has done in the past is fab - in fact I even said I was horrified by it, but we all make mistakes and cock up (or maybe you're perfect and don't ever!), and it's the parents who recognise those mistakes and take steps to prevent them happening again that are the good ones imo.

a) she's no friend
b) children can take a long time to settle at preschool
c) we've all done things as parents we regret; the point is we are often not as honest as you have been about it and crucially, you recognised what you did was wrong and acted to change your behaviour. You won't have scarred your child, he sounds delightful and secure in your love for him.

If you're not already, meet other parents through messy play/tumbletots/whatever runs locally so your dc gets used to others whilst you are in attendance.

You sound as if you have the world on your shoulders and you also sound as if you are taking your role as a mother so seriously I can't see how you will ever fail as a parent to be honest. However, on the other hand, if you were instead posting about how your DP had come home from work one evening, lost his temper and forced you to lean over the banister because you had misbehaved, then everyone on here would be telling you to send him to counselling. I just worry, for your childs point of view, that you have demonstrated uncontrollable outbursts in the past and you also seem to be adopting a tendancy to lean on him emotionally by asking his reassurance after messing up. Your emotional state may be quite a burden for him to bear I think. Sorry if it sounds hard. I don't think your friend has been at all fair, but I also think the responses here have been very quick to defend you and your actions when it may be better for you to seek opinion from an unbiased third party.

But what good would that opinion do? What are the alternatives?

She needs help to address her uncontrollable outbursts, but they don't make her a shit mum.

Lindenlass; I can honestly say that I have never done anything like hold my child over a banister; or shut them in their room with something they are frightened of.

I'm actually quite surprised that so many posters on here think that is 'just' a normal type act of loosing ones temper.

I treat my children how I expect to be treated myself; so I would forgive someone for shouting or yelling at me in a fit of temper but I'd not tollerate anyone physically abusing me or violating my personal space in anyway. It IS possible to parent without turning on your children by the way.

no-one is saying it is normal.
LIndenlass herself said she was horrified by it.

but the point is it happened ONCE. and never again. the op knows how bad it was and clearly has been regretting it ever since.
she did one terrible thing... no need to vilify her for it.

nobody on here is pretending that it was ok, or the hoover thing. but it isn't like she does it regularly.

Sorry, we are cross posting.
I can't help it but I think the OP sounds a little unhinged. She is confused, unconfident about her ability, guilt ridden about past events and looks to a child for reassurance. She needs some guidance. I don't necessarily mean counselling, but her mother or a respected family member may help put her back on the right track.

May I also point out that outbursts don't make her a shit mum, but cooking, painting, walking don't make you a GOOD mum either.

yeah and telling her she sounds "unhinged" is really gonna help isn't it???

nice one

Feelverysad; can I just ask you something about your post? It's the bit where you say: "I asked him today if he is happy with mummy and he said yes ,i asked hi if he thinks i am mean to him and he said no I said do i hurt hima nd he said no cos that would be mean and he said no you hug me and kiss me and play with me." Can I just ake why you ask him if you hurt him? I assume you mean hurt as in emotionally hurt rather than physically hurt? If not, I wonder why you would ask him something like that?

ok spaceman I think unhinged is an unfair comment and I also don't ask my child on a regular basis if he thinks I am a good mum.
I asked him today because of what has happened with my freind.
her opinion [and this is why i posted] that i have caused his probllems of him not settling at school, and the fact that he likes to be with me and screams when i leave him according to her were because i abuse him .
now as i said i hve never done this long term never.
what i wanted to know was because i have done these things wrong [3 maybe 4 times]am i an abuser
i have made big big mistakes annd i admit that but genuinely i am horrified that i actually may have been the cause of all of his woories.
her argument is that an abused child will not want to leave the abuser but what i am asking is these things all happened nearly a year ago and never since then in fact tbh i am actually trying to remember the last time i had to tell him off for something.

I was trying to find out if I had 'damaged' him.
I was trying to ask him in child language, i asked him if we di nice things, i asked him if i hurt him, i asked him if i smacked him ,iasked him if we had fun,iasked him if i scared him
my son is very precise and will tell you exactly how something is /was and if you get a detail wrong corrects you
this was another 'indicator' to my freind that there was something wrong with him.
btw this has been going on since he was on that she thought he was not right and i certainly neverdid anything then or sine the incidents described.
i am not looking for absolution or for pats on the back that there there you made a mistake .
i know i did very wrong but i came on looking for help and constructive help
spaceman there is nothing any of you can say to make me feel worse about myself than i already do

I don't think isolated incidents that happened over a year ago would have a long lasting affect on your son. Unless your 'friend' had said what she said, you wouldn't have thought it would you? Have the confidence and trust in yourself to know what you know is right; that you made mistakes and that you are not a danger to your son.

Sorry, unhinged was unfair. But I do think you needed another point of view tonight as you have now fought back a bit at me and have arrived at a clearer conclusion. All the best.