Can you tell me your opinions please

[feelverysad]

I have had a Big fallout with a freind and am very very upset and could really do with some opinions please.
I have for some time worried about my lo ,the usuals, speech ,development etc.
He is my first and only and has not settled well at preschool etc ,they have said that he settles but then wants to know when I am coming to get him and the like.last week his last 2 sessions however they said he had seemed better.
anyway to cut a long story short cos I am going on now I had been telling my freind how upsetting it was and and how upsetting it was getting for him and she said that it was'nt right that he was like that after 6 weeks of going and that he wasn't very well developed socially etc etc.
I was quite upset astbh she has said things before anyway when I got to the school I asked them how he was and asked them if they would tell me if anything 'odd' flagged up and they said he was normal,fine happy boy no problems and that of course they would tell me[my freind had said they were't allowed to do so]
So I avoided speaking to my freind cos tbh I was reaally upset by how emphatic she had been-[she thought autism/aspergers]anyway today we have spoken and it has been awful.
Basically she has said that she thinks my son has definately got something severely wrong with him and that I have caused it by abusing him.
She says that abused children don't want to be left by their abusers and that is why my son is like this.
she has snt my dh a text to say that i am abusing lo and that not leave ss with me.
And that I am wracked with guilt and and that is why I cried when my lo got upset when he saw her smacking her lo.
now here is where i need your help please I will be very
honest I once did lose it and rang her crying because I had ,we were going through a very hard time , my dh ahd lost his job ,worries about money just all the usual life stuff and I am ashamedto say I did something truly awful.my lo was 2ish and kept shouting /screaming was kicking at me to go downstairs and all of a sudden there was red mist and I picked him up and and went to the banister and hung him over and said you want to go down and then I realise what I was doing and hugged him to me and kept saying I was sorry.I was so bad And it was so awful Irang her in a state it was awful and so on that score she is right i am an abuser.this was nearly a year ago.
he also used to be scared of the hoover and i would say when he was nughty that if he did not stop i would put him in with the hoover and once i actually did for not even 2 seconds [did not even shut the door properly] but again this happened not even three times and again have all been in times of real stress.
Now I have not done any of these things for nearly a year and I do recognise that they were bad bad things but i now try and reason ,very rarely do we get into the tangles now -yes we have the usual tantrums but we also do lots of very good positive stuff.
we paint , we cook, we read , we go for walks -allsorts and generally have lots of good fun .he is like my little best freind.
I do still shout sometimes but always always say sorry and expain that sometimes we do get cross.
I asked him today if he is happy with mummy and he said yes ,i asked hi if he thinks i am mean to him and he said no I said do i hurt hima nd he said no cos that would be mean and he said no you hug me and kiss me and play with me.
Is she right am i child abuser?
I am in bits
I swear I do not do anything like that now and that anyone could talk to my lo or ss I have nothing to hide
I told her this and she just said that of course I would have got my story straight
please someone help me i love my angel so much these things i have siad they are literally the ones i have said
this is very long and i am sorry

I think your 'friend' is a nasty, spiteful person. If she has real concerns about your son - or you, her so-called 'friend' - there are better ways to go about dealing with them than this. Have you spoke to your DH about this? I mean, about everything - the whole situation, from the way you felt a year ago up to this whole thing blowing up? I think it is worth having a good, long talk about this to someone you can trust, anyway.

By the way - Asperger's / Autism aren't caused by abuse! Your friend is talking absolute rubbish.

Good luck.

spaceman thankyou for your input and you are right before today i would not have questioned that i was a danger to my son.
I have i know done things vv wrong but have tried vv hard since that awful ,very stressful time to make up and make changes.
as i said this has been going on since he was one[ her saying he was not right]
it has hit me very hard today and noone likes to be told that you are doing a crap job but to be told by a freind in who i have confided deep fears and worries and also has to be said shared some great joys too that you are a child abuser knocks the wind right out.
thankyou once again

Feelverysad

You've realised that things haven't been right with you, you want to be a great mum and I bet that 99% of the time you are. Everyone has snapping points and they are all different. If you recognise that you've stepped over a line that's a big step forward.

Your friend isn't a friend, it's hard to put her comments aside but she isn't helping as a true friend should. You shouldn't stop confiding but maybe think about who you confide in?

Can you get some support locally, just try to find somewhere where you can meet others?

Really wish you the best.

I think your friend is no friend to you and needs to be kept at a distance.

However, in one respect I do think spaceman has a point: you should not ask a small child to reassure you. He should not have to answer questions about whether you are a good mum or whether you do nice things together. He needs the feeling that you know that you are coping. Even if you don't. He still needs to feel that. And never to feel that he is responsible for your happiness.

(though apologising about incidents is fine- just never apologise about who you are).

Of course, you feel awful when someone says cruel hurtful things. But you need to go to an adult with those- is there anyone else who might be more reliable?

You need to get some support - sorry but I also think some of the things you have posted are worrying and not within the spectrum of what I would consider average stressed out reactions. Can you talk to your HV or GP to ask what would be available to you?

I think that a lot of the problem comes from you spending so much time alone with him, you really need some support and unfortunately the 'friend'is not the one to give it. I would start with your HV or GP as suggested by PottyCock.

what does your DH say? You say your friend phoned him.

okay, first of all, this woman is NOT a friend. I don't know what is going on in her head, but if there is nothing that you haven't told us, there is no reason for her to do this, or to tell you that she is/will do it.

Secondly, if pre-school were going to report you to SS or had any contact with SS about you, they have to tell you. As long as nobody tells you this is happening, then nobody has reported you.

Thirdly, I agree with the other posters that what you have done in the past is not ideal parenting, but you do seem to have recognised this and if you are being truthful (and it sounds like you are) then that is all good.

I wonder if you have thought about asking for some help and support. You could ask your HV to refer you to Home Start who will send a volunteer round just to be there for you, and to listen to you and to support you.

Ditch this friend anyway, whatever you do.

my dh has said to just ignore her and that he has been telling me for a long time that he thinks she is not good.
He also said that he is not worried because actually on the sunday before this all kicked off his son [my ss] had said he thought it was better when his dad was at work cos we did more fun stuff and ate more chocolate than when he was there.
also you mentioned preschool-they say he is absolutely fine, yes he is not happy that i leave him but that heis vv bright, very kind ,and very well developed emotionally, has never snatched or hurt another child.[this was another 'indicator' to my freind that i was 'abusing' him
we only saw each other once a month but because my son is quiet, and likes to line his cars up either in size or colour now and again he was'nt right.
that is what started all of this off cos she said he was doing 'odd' things. he likes planes and clocks and wants to know how things work.
his favourite thing atm is a book about water cos he wanted to know how wee was cleaned when it went down the toilet.
again another 'indicator'

To me it sounds like you are doing a great job. I don't want to generalise too much and I will probably be shot down for this, but I wonder if the people who have never lost it with their children are the ones who have very easy-going children? I experience new levels of red mist since I had my kids - I never imagined how much they would wind me up. I'm learning not to lose it with them but I think there are few parents who can honestly say they have always been calm and rational.

Your 'friend' sounds like a pita tbh. The preschool have raised no concerns (they probably would have by now if they were worried) , neither has your DH, and you are only having doubts because she has said something.

You have displayed some extreme behaviour under extreme stress, which I suggest you try and deal with. Suggest you talk to your HV for guidance. She will not 'take your DS away' or report you. She will try and get you the help you need.

Interesting that your friend mentioned this after you had witnessed her hit her child. It is a defence mechanism to go on the attack.

And your son's 'fads' are probably just that. My DD was obsessed with refuse collection for quite some time. If you have any concerns raise them with your HV or GP.

Can I ask how old you are?

I have a 15 year old son
A 12 year old son and a 6 year old daughter

They were all brought up in a loving caring home with me and DH. We treated them all exactly the same.
My eldest son and my daughter are just average children. My middle son has very little speech and severe autism.

Your friend is talking total bollocks.

Please stop talking to your son about how you treat him. There is nothing 'wrong' with him,,
If he has some issues such as autism or aspergers then he just needs a mum who gets him some help and support. It does not mean anything bad or dreadful.
Cut your friend off . If she sees ASD as something wrong she will not be any help. And if she is dumb enough to think ASD is caused by abuse then she really should be avoided

right I think I need to clarify.
I don't keep asking my lo how I treat him etc I just asked yesterday because it all happened yesterday.
Also when he has been naughty after we always talk about it and why he got told he was not allowed to do something.
I don't aplogise for telling him off I apologise if I have been doing a fishwife act[which I think we can all be guilty of at times]
If he has got asd anything I don't care [not in the way that sounds] he is my son and I would get him what ever help he needed.
IHe has had all his developmental checks, is about to go for another one ,beenseen by doctors for various ailments and not one person has ever picked anything up.
the reason we fell out is because i got tired of her telling me that he was 'wrong' and so i avoided her phone calls and then yesterday it all blew up and it came to this -her calling me a child abuser for the 2 incidents that i have described.
I am 35
I wanted advice from mn to see if she was right.
II hope this clarifies a few points cos i just want to try and be as honest as possible so you can give me the best advise.

I think your confidence and happiness will probably improve if you can spend more time with adult friends - but not with this one who is not acting like a friend at all.

Lots of children take a long time to settle into pre-school, this is completely normal. If your child is still quite young then you could think about keeping him at home with you for another 6 months if you think he isn't ready yet.

feelverysad. I asked your age as you sounded very young, although I think I confused that with unconfident. Step out of this woman's shadow, keep talking to your husband and speak to your GP about your anxiety.

eaust I am very lucky to have alovely husband and I will not be speaking to this woman again and tbh I think this why what happened yesterday did.
I understand where you are coming from on the confidence thing but to be sure this has knocked it.
I waited a long long time for my lo and he was kind of a miracle hence why when I did the stairs thing I was so hysterical and rang my friend saying how scared I was.
I never imagined in my life I would have done something like that.
But as I said it was a one off but she kept saying yesterday how i have scarred him etc etc.
And so yes I really don't come across as vv confident right now.
But I promise that if you were to meet me in rl and see my son you would see one very happy mummy and one vv happy little boy.
this just has taken a toll i think.

eaust I am very lucky to have alovely husband and I will not be speaking to this woman again and tbh I think this why what happened yesterday did.
I understand where you are coming from on the confidence thing but to be sure this has knocked it.
I waited a long long time for my lo and he was kind of a miracle hence why when I did the stairs thing I was so hysterical and rang my friend saying how scared I was.
I never imagined in my life I would have done something like that.
But as I said it was a one off but she kept saying yesterday how i have scarred him etc etc.
And so yes I really don't come across as vv confident right now.
But I promise that if you were to meet me in rl and see my son you would see one very happy mummy and one vv happy little boy.
this just has taken a toll i think.

feelverysad, I don't think any of this has anything to do with you and your son, I think it's just you have been very unlucky to have met this person who said such cruel things to you. Sounds to me like she has a lot of her own issues - not sure if that helps you but if people treat me badly it helps to realise that they have stuff going on in their own lives which make them behave in that way.

"friend" sounds most vicious and unfriendly. ignore her spiteful crap.

OH my goodness feelingverysad - your friend is a nasty, nasty person.

I work in child protection - please don't worry you are a 'child abuser'. OK - banister and hoover cupboard thing not good. But you know this, and have not done them again. You were under a huge amount of strain and reacted badly, but this was last year, and you have not done it again, and taken steps to ensure your parenting is more positive than this now. This is all SS would ask you to do. I have spoken to countless mums and Dads who lose it and do much worse things to their children. I always, always start off with the premise that people should be helped to deal with their children's behaviour and their own life stresses before going in all gung-ho about it. You have addressed all these issues, and a social worker would not ask you to do anything more than you already have.

You clearly love you LO to bits. Ignore your nasty, ignorant, spiteful 'friend' and get back to doing what you have been doing, as it sounds fine to me. The school would tell you if they were worried about your boy, he sounds like he's just fretting about school a bit, and loves his mummy and wants to stay with her. All very normal.

ellieg thankyou so much for replying.
I am feeling a lot better and stronger than the other day BUT I have to say it did knock me a bit.
I do love my lo vv much and everyone even strangers in the supermarket comment how lovely he is so I know I am not doing a bad job.

You're doing a great job. Tell your friend to f*ck off if she says any different.

Glad you are feeling a bit better x