Not a 'natural' mummy... (long, sorry)

[SshDontTell]

I've changed my name as my DH knows my other name and I haven't discussed this with him at all. I knew becoming a parent would be hard, I did. And I know that bonding can take time, but I didn't expect to feel like this. I am looking after my 4 week old to the very best of my abilities, already had several panics over health/feeding and leap into action at the first strange noise, or even lack of noise, but... I really don't feel like a 'mummy'. I almost feel like I am looking after her for someone else, half expect them to come in the door, thank us for babysitting and wander off with her. I've never been a 'baby' person, although everyone said it would be different when I had my own... only it's not.

I don't spend the hours 'just gazing' at my baby that other people seem to. She's cute, she is, but she's not that interesting at this point. I feel awful saying that though... I find feeds really boring, and tend to use my free arm to do other stuff (e.g. Mumsnet). Someone pointed out that eye contact is really important for newborns when they are feeding, so now I am worrying if I am damaging her development. Visions of Romanian orphans etc.

I don't feel at all as I expected to feel. I feel guilty and frustrated. And exhausted... and this is where I should say 'but I look at her and it's all worth it'. However, generally I look at her and think 'please don't wake up for a bit so I can have a shower/clean the kitchen/phone my mum'... and then feel terrible that I'm effectively putting my daughter second to what I want to get on with. Which is not the point of parenthood, surely. In the back of my mind, there is this niggling doubt growing about whether I should have had kids at all... and yet I always thought I wanted them.

It's not that I don't want her, I'm anxious if I am away from her even if she's just downstairs with DH and I'm trying to catch a nap upstairs. But I don't feel like I'm fitting into this idea of 'my kids are my life' sort of mother that I should be.

Clearly she is my main priority, in a rational sense, but on the emotional level I just don't think we're connecting. DH adores her and does his fair share more than willingly. He spends hours entertaining her, as well as doing all the nappies and feeds etc but I kind of run out of enthusiasm/energy for that in the day and tend to focus on the functional bits, is she fed, is she clean, how quickly can I get her to go back to sleep...

I feel defective in the mummy stakes. Is this just a bonding issue?

oh yes - agree with the knack of different ages thing! In some ways you might be at an advantage if you enjoy one of the stages to come more - babyhood is very short and those who love it are most prone to broodiness later on!

Newborns are really boring and also really exhausting. I totally understand what you mean, and it does get better (and more interesting) after a while. I don't think I properly 'bonded' with my DD2 for months, probably about 9 months looking back. Now she's 2.5 and I couldn't love her more. Am pg with baby no.3 and am fully expecting to be ambivalent about this one for a while again, or at least I won't be alarmed if I feel like this again.....I'm not a 'little baby person' either. But it does get better, hang on in there. I don't think you become 'a real mum' overnight, you have to get used to your new role and to your new baby. Some people find this easier than others, but in the long run it doesn't matter. You'll get there in the end.

God, I was bored senseless with ds as a newborn. I thought I had made an awful mistake. Then he got bigger and more responsive and I thought he was the best thing ever. Now hw is 2.6 and I utterly adore him. I cannot tell you how much I love him. Older babies and toddlers are much more my kind of thing! I don't understand why some people go ga-ga for wee babies. They do nothing.

Definitely agree that different people are better at different 'phases' of parenting.

I really really really didn't like the newborn stage and was only slightly better at the chubby baby bit - love was creeping up but I was impatient and anxious and still hankering after my old life.

From 1-4 I have really enjoyed. Toddlers rock! I love solving the endless traps and puzzles that they set. I love watching their personalities evolve. I love the cuddles and soppy nonsense that they dish out. Most days even their tantrums make me laugh.

Not sure how I will cope with the next phase with DS1. He starts school in Sept and I guess things will change again as he has to develop his independence.

I also have to go back to the newborn bit as am due in June. This time I have no expectations about how I should feel. I will feed and comfort and keep clean and know that it all falls into place eventually.

Keep going Shhh - it's tough those first weeks and months. Do talk to your DH if you possibly can. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. It takes time before you can take on board the enormity of it all. And by the time you do, it all feels less enormous IYKWIM.

Thanks all. We're almost at 8 weeks now, and things are better - not perfect by a long shot, I still don't feel like a 'proper mum', and still feel a bit of a fraud but several things have helped.

I spoke to DH about it - prodded by various posters' suggestions - and he didn't recoil in horror as I feared, he has been really supportive. I now leave her with him for 1-2 hours once a week or so and escape out of the house on my own, even if just for a walk round the block. This has been great for both headspace and being 'me' for a bit rather than 'mother'. I worried about leaving her and simultaneously felt bad about it feeling so good to be out without DD for the first few times but I feel so much better and more chilled when I get back so she benefits in that way.

We've also made a real effort to do social things, even if knackered and not really up for it, e.g. where previously we might have had a boozy pub lunch, instead this Sunday we went to a country park with a couple of friends and it was fine. I am realising that although I am tied to this small person, we can still get out and 'do' things even at this early age. This has helped dissipate the overwhelming 'my life is over, this is a terrible mistake' feeling a bit. She's also a regular at our local curry house already.

Also, I keep reminding myself she's not a mind-reader so as long as I am going through the motions she won't know any different. DH says the way I interact with her seems fine to him so I am trying to stop over-analysing things.

Although I couldn't have imagined getting to 8 weeks old four weeks ago, somehow it has happened and she's thriving, so I am dong the looking-after bit fine. And I'm a lot more confident in handling her, and I'm not as stressed about damaging her. The smiles do help, as does knowing her a bit better - moments of smugness when she cries and I tell DH 'she's hungry/wants to sit up/is bored' and I'm right. I still don't see myself as the 'natural mother' I hoped I would be, but things are getting better. I feel a lot more warmly towards DD so maybe we'll get there yet.

ssh - you sound much more positive. Keep going and well done - you're obviously doing absolutely fine. It is hard but it gets easier as time goes by. Glad you confided in DH too. x

It's still all a bit surreal tbh, but hearing that I'm not some weird Lady Macbeth type and other people have made it through to adore their DCs has really helped. THANK YOU ALL!!! I've stopped trying to force it and relaxed a bit rather than freaking out about how I feel.

i also got an unexpected view from the other side of the fence as my mum dropped into conversation that she didn't start to enjoy being a mum until 8 months in when she went back to work. We get on fine now so no long term damage there, phew.

Oh, sh*t, forgot to name change. Outed! Oh well, DH knows anyway. That's what being up since 3 does to you..

Babies are boring. They are much more fun when you can dangle them upside down and tickle them until they vomit (not recommended)

agree with the other ladies. and don't underestimate the physical/psychological effects of going through childbirth etc, it takes time to recover and get your strength back up.

I'm not a natural mum - mainly because I'm a 50 year old stay at home dad. We made a decision that because my wife's career is really taking off (she's a bit younger than me)and my business contracts with the Department of Health were ending.

It was very difficult making the change and the loss of "me" time in the workshop on my hot rod projects and hanging out with friends was difficult to take and my mood became very low.

Baby is now 7 months old and good company and getting more fun every day. I just look at her and feel she is the most wonderful person ever put on the earth.

Give it some time.