Not a 'natural' mummy... (long, sorry)

[SshDontTell]

I've changed my name as my DH knows my other name and I haven't discussed this with him at all. I knew becoming a parent would be hard, I did. And I know that bonding can take time, but I didn't expect to feel like this. I am looking after my 4 week old to the very best of my abilities, already had several panics over health/feeding and leap into action at the first strange noise, or even lack of noise, but... I really don't feel like a 'mummy'. I almost feel like I am looking after her for someone else, half expect them to come in the door, thank us for babysitting and wander off with her. I've never been a 'baby' person, although everyone said it would be different when I had my own... only it's not.

I don't spend the hours 'just gazing' at my baby that other people seem to. She's cute, she is, but she's not that interesting at this point. I feel awful saying that though... I find feeds really boring, and tend to use my free arm to do other stuff (e.g. Mumsnet). Someone pointed out that eye contact is really important for newborns when they are feeding, so now I am worrying if I am damaging her development. Visions of Romanian orphans etc.

I don't feel at all as I expected to feel. I feel guilty and frustrated. And exhausted... and this is where I should say 'but I look at her and it's all worth it'. However, generally I look at her and think 'please don't wake up for a bit so I can have a shower/clean the kitchen/phone my mum'... and then feel terrible that I'm effectively putting my daughter second to what I want to get on with. Which is not the point of parenthood, surely. In the back of my mind, there is this niggling doubt growing about whether I should have had kids at all... and yet I always thought I wanted them.

It's not that I don't want her, I'm anxious if I am away from her even if she's just downstairs with DH and I'm trying to catch a nap upstairs. But I don't feel like I'm fitting into this idea of 'my kids are my life' sort of mother that I should be.

Clearly she is my main priority, in a rational sense, but on the emotional level I just don't think we're connecting. DH adores her and does his fair share more than willingly. He spends hours entertaining her, as well as doing all the nappies and feeds etc but I kind of run out of enthusiasm/energy for that in the day and tend to focus on the functional bits, is she fed, is she clean, how quickly can I get her to go back to sleep...

I feel defective in the mummy stakes. Is this just a bonding issue?

It took me a few months to bond with ds, yes I loved him, but could find myself being very matter of fact about him. I did get diagnosed with PND as well when he was 12 weeks, so always wondered if that had anything to do with it as well.

Have to say we did "bond" and the relationship we have now is magical, and I love him more than anything in the world.

The first few months are hard, and you are so tired, I don't know many people who "bond" like you see and read about all the time.

Thanks. I've skirted round it with DH this evening, not quite ready to address it head on with him but perhaps give it a couple more months and it will sort itself out and I won't need to. I'll hang on to what everyone has said when I start feeling low again. Really appreciate the support, and it seems more normal than I thought, which is a relief!

I think you are feeling perfectly normal. I hated the baby stage as frankly they are boring unless you like things that shit/sick/scream endlessly. At least they grow out of that phase and every day they get more interesting.

Are you sure you can't address it with DH? Keeping how you feel from your DH might make you feel worse, having to pretend everything is fine rather than having someone you can talk to about it.
I never kept it a secret from DH that I struggled with early motherhood using the words "tedious" and "dull" quite often and I know that having someone I could unburden to helped.

I agree with Libra. You should tell him. Having said that i only got DH to really understand when i read him your post. Perhaps you can let him read your post?

I was also just like you. I spent the first weeks of my son's life quietly regretting having him and feeling as guilty as hell about that. I didn't particularly love him, I didn't bond, I didn't want to gaze at him. (I cared very much about his welfare, but in the way a nanny would, almost.) I also didn't have PND, but rather was simply going though an experience that a lot of mums are familiar with, but no-one talks about.

When he was 4 weeks old something clicked and I began to feel more like myself again, and I started to like him. Then like grew to love and now I adore him so much my whole body aches from it. He's 5 months old now. I'd heard about this kind of love but thought people were exaggerating - especially when I didn't feel it right off, as soon as he was handed to me. But it is real, and you will feel it. Sometimes it just takes time to grow, that all. For me, it was when he started smiling and really interacting that it got easier, and I was getting a bit more sleep too. But it's different for everyone. For some they do bond straight off, but LOADS of people don't.
The good news is, it will come. It will get easier - you will feel like a proper mum and not like you're doing some very extended babysitting. Hang in there!

sounds normal, don't worry. I remember my predominant feeling towards DS was terror about something happening to him followed by anxiety. I felt fiercely protective and didn't like anyone holding him or doing stuff with him. All I can say is it passed. Your love for them grows gradually, at the beginning you just have a primal urge to protect them, plus you've been hit by the massive truck of motherhood, which is very, very hard and is impossible to prepare for. Once the sleep deprivation lifts at around 4 months and they start sleeping a bit longer, you'll be amazed how much better you feel, and it keeps getting better and better, this is the hardest bit! All you can do is keep going and don't beat yourself up on how you 'should' be feeling. It will get better, honest!

just an aside, I think there is probably a biological reason for this; because without medical help etc a lot of very young babies would have died in the past, so it makes more sense for a mother to be programmed to be very worried and protective and try to keep them alive, but not investing too much actual love in a very young baby, as in the kind of love that develops through a bond or relationship with another person, and to get gradually more in love with it as its chances of survival increases and it gets stronger and bigger... this was certainly how I felt, I love my DS more every day (he is 2.5)

Have only read your OP but just wanted to say that even now, with a 7yo & a 4yo I still don't feel like a 'natural mummy'. I love 'em to bits but have always found it hard to 'play' with them. The 'joy of motherhood' has eluded me I'm afraid - I find it a slog.

However, it's not impossible that I am just depressed - have never been diagnosed.

The bond with DS1 was instant. With DS2 it felt like I was just a nanny. For ages. I think it was because DS1 was properly known to me, had his own personality etc by the time DS2 was born. DS2 came out and he was a stranger, an alien baby plonked in my arms. There was no immediate attachment. It felt like that for ages. Especially as he was (and, er, is still at nearly 3) the most fussy, demanding child ever known to man! DH and I adore him now, he is so funny and such an individual, but for a long time when he did nothing but cry and whinge all day (first 18 months), DH used to whisper to me "God, he's hard to love sometimes, isn't he?!" It took DH a LONG time to bond with DS2 too, as he adored DS1 from the outset too. But DS2 was a different story.

I guess all babies and all situations are different. All I would say is, go through the motions of the physical care and the cuddles even if you're not feeling anything yet. One day your LO will smile at you, and then start laughing at things you do, and slowly you WILL get there. I promise!

Agree with CHA

Oh I soooo know how you feel. Mine was 11 weeks and 3 days when I first genuinely felt I loved him. He's now three and a half months and getting more fun to be with every day - but for at least the first two months I basically just wanted to give him back and live my old life again.

Now he still drives me mad half the time I am with him, but every time someone else is looking after him I miss him like crazy.

My husband reckons everyone has different mothering times and we suspect mine is not when they are small babies - I'm hoping I'll be much better at the toddler/child/teenager bit - at least then he can tell me what's bothering him.

as for doing other things while breastfeeding - do it while you can! i used to watch box sets of 24 or be shopping online when he used to feed calmly - now it takes both hands and all my concentration just to keep him in position....

I like hodgepodge's idea of being stronger at different times of mothering, maybe I'll enjoy the interesting bits more! And Gemzooks' theory of attachment sounds plausible. DH got the first smile today, while I got first proper tears - about par for the course! Hanging in there...

Sssh you need only look at the rush of responses here to see that what you're feeling is felt by many. I too felt like a protective nanny at first and remember sobbing in the bathroom thinking I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I just got this stranger -very loud and demanding and, frankly, boring stranger- plonked into my life and I felt I was giving him everything and sacrificing my sanity (not to mention my nipples!) to this little creature who I felt did not know or much care who I was. My FIL said to me that I'd 'really come into my own' as a mother and seemed to be really taking to it- I had to pick my jaw off the floor as this was not the case. I'd just hid my feelings well.

I'm not going to write, 'but then one day' because it has been gradual. But he's 14 weeks now and I'm starting to feel that crazy intense feeling of love I thought was exaggerated. When they recognise you and start giving back things begin to change. You'll be ok. xx

to the OP - I felt like you, but it gets easier. From about 4 months they start to smile and laugh, by 9 months they will be crawling and starting to interact even more...

my daughter is 1 year old now and I'm the happiest I've been all year. It's been a loooooong year. I used to feel just like you, finding babies boring etc, but the fact you can't be away from her and are worrying about your motherly instinct - this shows your a good mum.

speak to your HV, mine really helped me, told me to go to breastfeeding groups etc and just getting out really helped

have only read the op...

shhdontTell you poor poor love, I remember feeling exactly the same and it was utterly horrible. I really did think that I was a witch (actually still feel like that occasionally )

But the bit that no one tells you is that THIS IS NORMAL. Loads of people feel this way. They don't tell you for 2 reasons.

1. They feel guilty, and that they shouldn't talk about it, much as you feel at the moment
2. Later, as their baby starts to be more responsive - smiles and then much later cuddles and kisses and 'mum-eee' they start to forget! It becomes lost in a haze and all that is remembered is the love they now have for the child.

Honestly, at the beginning it can feel like its all give and you get nothing back (that sounds harsh but I think it can really feel like that)

I found that I didn't have that 'rush of love' or spend time gazing at ds (well I did a bit sometimes but mostly just whilst thinking 'so wtf am I actually supposed to DO then???')

BUT ds is now 13 mo and he is the most incredible and beautiful and wonderful little person. And NOW I can balance out the fact that he can still be infuriating and is a bit of a rubbish sleeper with the sound knowledge that I can just look at him and know it's all worth it (esp if he's aslepp )

Dp and I have made a point of telling friends who are planning kids how we felt, it's worth them thinking we are a bit weird if what we have said makes them feel like they are not evil for not feeling everything they are 'supposed' to when they have a new baby.

You are lovely, you are doing everything you can, you can have a massive hug from me.

Keep on keepin' on
xxxxxxxxx

oh and your dp prob feels the same but is scared to tell you xx

What everyone else has said. Newborns are pretty boring. I became the queen of balancing a book and breastfeeding at the same time (hell with enough practice you can eat a chocolate bar, feed the baby and surf on the laptop - try not to get chocolate crumbs on baby though, the buggers melt). The boy doesn't seem too damaged (he does appear to think he is Batman at the moment though...?)

It's pretty shocking having a baby, and it is a royal pain the arse (sometimes quite literally!) having to look after them. Takes some adjusting and getting used to.

At this point, as long as you keep one end fullish and the other end clean then you are on to a winner. If you are still feeling this way when they are 6 months or so, then MAYBE have a talk to someone professional, but give yourself a chance to get used to things first.

Sounds pretty normal to me. My baby always seems to have his eyes shut when he feeds, so not much eye contact going on anyway...
I also spent alot of time reading, doing sudokus, and even crocheting while breastfeeding! If you do something wholesome like that then you really DO feel like a supermama!

Similar thread in Parenting 'untitled'. You aren't alone.

You are totally normal
I LOVE DS with all my heart and soul
But we had feeding problems (tongue tie) and i dreaded him waking up for a feed.. felt awful

Of course i didn't know about the TT .. and only found out about it on MN so good job i didn't spend hours gazing at him and not finding a solution to our problems lol

I don't find him boring as such but you are in SUPERMUM phase still, where you have bags of weird energy which makes you want to clean the house ect..in your subconcious you are doing this for your baby so they have a clean mummy, clean house...Totally and utterly normal

AND you ARE a good mummy ok.....

PS

I never thought i would feel the way i do about all my kids

Used to hover over them checking they were breathing ect

I love being a mum now i'm older too i have bags more patience (no sleep over the weekend.. 48 hours with no sleep and not once did i get grumpy with or towards DS..feel great about that lol)

As everyone has said, these feelings are completely normal. I remember just after I had ds1 I was talking to a friend who had just had her dd1 and we really thought there was a conspiracy where no-one tells you what it will really be like. The whole thing is a complete shock to your life and four weeks is really too soon to be feeling like things are all under control.

You are not defective but most probably exhausted and totally stressed from the shock of all this 24-7, for the rest of your life, responsibility.

you are normal. Some people are naturally better at babies, others at toddlers, some even at 3yos (strange as it may seem), some primary age children and some teenagers...

I was in tune with the baby stage but did not have the knack for age three to four at all.

Meant to say, hang on in there, it DOES get better. Someone said to me, it is always 'only a stage'. If you are enjoying it, be glad while it lasts, if it's no fun at all, concentrate on the fact it will soon be over and you'll be onto the next thing.