Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My dd is rude and disrespectful please help!!!

41 replies

honeybunmum · 02/01/2009 19:17

I want everyone to say that this is normal and I'm doing the right things etc...I'll explain:
My DD is 4.5 and mostly a very good girl. In public and at school her behaviour and character are wonderful but at home, mainly when she is tired admittedly, she is rude, disrespectful and sometimes aggressive to me, DH and DD2. She loves DS who is 7months. All I seem to hear is her bossing me around like her slave and if I say no, I get "shut up" , "you stupid bint" (not sure where that came from), fingers in ears, tongue sticking out, stamping feet like an angry bull etc. She is very angry at the moment and flies off the handle at everything. Quite frankly I can't wait for her to go back to school.
She gets lots of positive attention, I rarely lose my temper but I do act as firmly as I can, issuing her with a threat of naughty room and then following it through. I am consistent although she really walks over DH as he rarely follows through on a threat.
I am at my wits end and am starting to feel like she is pushing me so far that I may lose it and lash out at her (which I don't do and don't approve of)
Can anyone offer any advice?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

OHBollox · 02/01/2009 19:20

You need to get hold of how to talk so children will listen and take charge of that girl asap.
And get DH to back you up, have you spoken to him about how it makes you feel ?

Tortington · 02/01/2009 19:21

nothing wrong with shouting imo - as longas its not constant.

duckyfuzz · 02/01/2009 19:23

my twin girls have just turned 5 and can both be a bit like this, particularly when over tired or frustrated. I tend to do alot of negotiating, compromising and distracting!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

slayerette · 02/01/2009 19:29

Have you tried refusing to acknowledge her in any way when she is rude? Not just not doing what she is demanding but not responding or telling her off - acting as if she isn't there at all? If she gets no reaction she may come to realise that it's not a productive way to behave. Or, if she does it when she is tired, tell her that you know that she is only behaving in that way because she is tired and whisk her off to bed straight away.

I heard DS and his cousin recently whispering to each other that BIL had said that if they weren't going to behave they must be overtired and so would have to go to bed and stay there with their eyes closed so they were definitely going to behave because that sounded really boring! for BIL!

Littlefish · 02/01/2009 19:51

If Dd shouts at me, I say very calmly "when you're ready to speak to me politely, I'll come back" and then I leave the room.

I find it much more effective than either shouting, or sending her from the room. She hates the lack of attention, and very quickly apologies and asks again properly.

Smithagain · 02/01/2009 19:55

I've said this elsewhere, but if she is in Reception, this sort of behaviour appears to be par for the course for this stage in the year. Or at least my daughter went through it, so did several of her friends, and two of my friends now have kids in Reception who are being nightmares with attitude, backchat and bad behaviour.

Some sort of combination of new experiences, tiredness, having to be beautifully behaved at school and not having the energy to keep it up after 3pm. So hang in there and try to maintain some sort of sympathy.

Or hide.

That works for me .

duckyfuzz · 02/01/2009 19:57

smithagain, I completely agree with you (especially the hiding bit!)

Original poster

honeybunmum · 02/01/2009 20:20

Thanks everyone, I have tried the ignoring her and telling her I will speak to her when she can behave in a nice manner, unfortunately it seems to make her worse. I will try not to rise to her baiting me but I can almost hear my MIL tutting and doing the " I wouldn't let my children talk to me like that" bit.
It does seem to have started at the same time as starting Reception so I think you are right smithagain, I'm sure I'm not the only one, I just want to handle it correctly and not be overbearing with my punishments.
Ohbollox (good name BTW) thanks, I will get that book, anything to help. Have spoken to DH about being more consistent and following through, unfortunately I'm a stuck record, It's not just DD who doesn't seem to hear anything I say!!!

OP posts:

duckyfuzz · 02/01/2009 20:26

how to talk is a good book, would second that recommendation - also try unconditional parenting, which helps to see things from child's pov

Original poster

honeybunmum · 03/01/2009 07:53

thanks duckyfuzz, is that also a book? I am a very selfless mother who devotes everything I have to bringing up my 3DC well, mostly I think I'm doing a very good job but with it being with my DC1 I have no previous experience to go by, so the extra help and advice is great.

OP posts:

seeker · 03/01/2009 08:43

I wonder whether the fact that you are " a very selfless mother" could be contributing to the problem? If you don't ever assert yourself and make her aware that you have needs then maybe it's understandable that she treats you like a slave? Not excusable, of course, but understandable. Maybe you need to say stuff like "No, I'm having a cup of tea and reading my book for 15 minutes at the moment" I don't think it's good for anyone for children to rule the roost completely. Does that make sense?

piscesmoon · 03/01/2009 08:52

I think that it is a mistake to be 'a selfless' mother and devote everything to your DCs. I think that some healthy neglect is a good thing and seeing that you have needs and interests of your own that occasionally come first. Giving her jobs and responsibilities is also a good idea.If you are truly selfless, she may well treat you like a doormat.

slayerette · 03/01/2009 10:33

Selfless is not a good idea, I'm afraid! DS has plenty of attention, plenty of play time with mummy/daddy, plenty of outings and plenty of toys. He also has Quiet Time - when he has to occupy himself in his room for three-quarters of an hour while we have a break (weekends and holiday time, that is). He also has times when he has to help with chores, and times when we tell him to go and amuse himself because he's driving us mad!

I do lose my temper as well, and while it's not great parenting to lose control, I don't think it does him any harm to start thinking of me as a human being with emotions and feelings much like his.

BlueCornflower · 03/01/2009 11:10

Oh this could be me!! Thank you for posting honeybunmum. My 5.2 DD is driving me up the wall right now. She is being rude and shouting and HORRIBLE a lot of the time. She has just started in Reception and I am sure a lot of it is watching the other kids do things that she hasn't tried before, as well as being really tired and over excited. I bought 'How to Talk' a couple of years ago (she was has been challenging for 5.2 years...) but must read it again.

Just wanted to say you are not alone!!

piscesmoon · 03/01/2009 11:26

I think that it is quite telling that at school her behaviour is good; this is because there are clear boundries and she isn't the centre of the universe-she has to fit in. It is no wonder that she relaxes at home and feels safe to test the boundries. It is much better to be horrible at home and nice in public IMO. I wouldn't allow her to call you 'a stupid bint' or tell you to 'shut up'-I would put an immediate stop to it.

Original poster

honeybunmum · 03/01/2009 12:46

Thanks again for the replies, I am very firm to the point that my DH thinks I am too hard on her. I don't think it's doormat treatment (yet). We do make sure that we have time to read papers, talk to each other, go on MN etc (in fact she just stood next to me whining and I said " I am not going to talk to you whilst you are using that voice and I want to finish this, then I will speak to you" she growled at me and went away. She does push the boundaries at home even though I do try to be 'top dog' so to speak. Should I use the naughty room for every time she shouts or uses unacceptable language? or should I ignore it? I suppose she might get the message if she's going in there a lot. Mmmm... DD2 age 2 is starting to copy her as well so I do need to nip it in the bud quickly.
Bluecornflower, sorry you can relate, hope you get some helpful advice from this also.

Thanks all xxx

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 03/01/2009 13:40

I didn't have to use a naughty room or anything-the first first time they used unacceptable language I nipped it in the bud. I never speak to them like that and neither does DH so they knew that it was completely inacceptable in our house. There is no way anyone is going to call me stupid-and definitely not my DC!

ahundredtimes · 03/01/2009 13:46

She's just expressing her anger and frustration. It'd make me 100x more frustrated if every time I did that, you said 'I won't listen to you because I don't like your tone of voice.'

You say

'You feel cross because it's lasagne for tea.'

HTT is the way to go.

Enough with the 'enough of that young lady' talk I think

ahundredtimes · 03/01/2009 13:50

Also don't see why having such an unlikely thing as a naughty room should address the fact she's feeling cross - do you? All you're doing is saying 'I don't care about how you are feeling, I just care about your language.'

That's not great imvho.

Read How to Talk, get in alongside, acknowledge the fact she's cross and address that.

BigusBumus · 03/01/2009 13:56

My DS has just turned 6 and thankfully is starting to grow out of this phase, but not there yet. I also agree its linked with starting school and learning rules at school, reading and writing etc. Now he's in Year 1 its getting better.

Things i did was everytime he was rude he would get a warning and if it was repeated wthin 15 minutes or so he was sent to his room, which for my DS is the worst punishment ever.

We also have a sticker card, which he gets a sticker at the end of the day if his behaviour had been good with no rudeness. To make it more grown up we say he is working towards his Bronze Award (then it will be silver and gold). Its taken him over 4 months to get his bronze award and he got a small toy. He really really likes the sticker card thing and it works well.

piscesmoon · 03/01/2009 13:56

Everyone gets cross-they have to learn how to deal with it.

Countingtheflocksbynight · 03/01/2009 14:30

Hi Honeybunmum .. I too have a 5 yr old who is an angel at school and who can be quite "challenging" at home so I could have written your op at various times. I've posted on here before how we didn't go through the terrible 2s or 3s but she had a personality change at 4. I think 4 yr olds are demanding per se as they are testing the boundaries. You'll find many threads about this age on here ...so you are not alone.

When the back-chat or eye-rolling gets too much I ask her to sit out on the stairs in the hall alone for a few minutes (and as she hates being excluded from anything it usually works).

However, following on from what AHundredTimes says and in response to your your "top dog" comment... I am reading "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn at the moment. I was really struggling before I read this. It's been discussed a lot of times here on Mumnset and I know people will groan at the suggestion .

But here goes ...

I was set against it from the start because it semed far too permissive. It is an extremely interesting read though and has given me lots of insights in to my dd's behaviour. I've tried some of the techniques recently with regard to the sort of conflicts you have been mentioning and have been utterly amazed at how well they work. Not 100% of course and I do still do use exclusion but it has helped dd and me get out of the vicious circle of confrontation and "who is the winner" type thing.

I don't regard myself as a permissive parent (my dh also thinks I'm too strict) and I do still think Kohn goes too far ... but I've found it so helpful and it's helped my relationship with dd no end to become far less confrontational ....

Sorry to harp on but have become evangelical about it!!

Anyway, hope things improve for you and your dd as I know from experience it is wearing to deal with! She sounds really bright and lively and lovely x

Original poster

honeybunmum · 03/01/2009 15:17

Thankyou counting, I will get that. My DD is bright, lively and lovely which is partly why I want to tackle this appropriately.I have seen many friends treat their children as if they don't have feelings and that they don't matter and they can be very dominating and controlling, not nice at all, I have seen how their DC have been affected.
Ahundredtimes, that is not what I do and I do accept that sometimes she is cross, I don't trivialize or invalidate her feelings, but when I have been playing with her non stop for hours and then she has a temper tantrum or thumps her sister because I want to do something with my other 2 DC and she won't even let me explain, I sometimes find myself getting a little stressed and maybe I don't react in the right manner, hence my thread.

OP posts:

laundrylover · 03/01/2009 15:42

I'm another in the same boat but unlike you Honey I don't have the baby - just a nearly 5 yr old and a nearly 3 yr old....

I had a good heart to heart with two friends after a cocktail or three on New Years Eve and felt better getting it all out in the open.

I've started reading Your Child..Your Way (Tanya Byron) and am finding it useful. Lots of the stuff she says about how I behave towards my children makes sense - I've been trying to come off ADs but am stopping at 5 a week for now to try and conecntrate on getting on with the girls better.

Sorry for the rant, just wanted to say what a timely thread this is.

Hope we all make some inroads with our stroppy receptioners in 2009.

Off to pick said child up from a party so hope she's in a good mood!!!

Original poster

honeybunmum · 03/01/2009 15:47

I have just ordered 'How To Talk' and 'Unconditional Parenting' so will let you know if things improve. I think she will be better when she gets back to school anyway, she hasn't seen many of her friends this holiday and does get bored easily. Thanks everyone... good to know I'm not alone and it can be sorted out with a few changes, just need to get DH onside too. Any books for that???

OP posts:

Flip

1 2