at wits end with 17month old hyper toddler - help/shared experiences please

[silvermum]

we've had the most stressful few days with our DS he's having screaming tantrums almost from the moment he gets up (getting him dressed/undressed/changing his nappy has become a nightmare as he wriggles and squeals, going red in the face with fury) is absolutely trashing the house and demands constant attention from 7am to 7pm (we're very lucky in that at least he sleeps well at night.) He won't play on his own for more than five minutes max and if i so much as leave him for a minute he'll be destroying something or putting himself in some sort of danger.(bashing at a window with a wooden block for example)
Obviously we've done what we can to remove things he can smash or hurt himself with but he finds new ways every moment of the day.
When he's not having tantrums he is very happy and lovely but i'm completely frazzled. i knew being a mum would be really hard but this is the hardest age yet and i'm really struggling.i'm dreading tomorrow when it all begins again.
does it sound normal? how long does this phase usually last?

Hi Silvermum, my DS is 19 mo and I can sympathise with you! Getting dressed and nappies on is a constant battle - I try to stand him in front of his bed with a book on it and read to him while he sits on my knee and get him dressed while he is distracted. With nappies we have used pull-ups for ages because he is so wriggly and I chase him around the room to change - I have to 'hold him down' for poos, but at least that is less often!

He loves being outside so I try to get him out for a walk as much as possible, and if its raining I'll try to find something to do where he can toddle around indoors - a museum trip or shopping centre.

My son loves splashing around with water and his favourite game is playing with cups and things in the sink, it keeps him entertained for longer than 5 mins at a time, which I consider to be a win!!

It's hard work I agree, but I think its pretty normal having seen his older nephew grow up!

thanks, how do you get him up by the sink safely? does he stand on a chair? do you put him in waterproofs or just roll his sleeves up etc? it sounds fun!

The only thing I found worked was absolute consistency. "No" means "No" and you must NEVER back down. Give him lots and lots (and I mean lots) of attention when he does anything good - even the smallest thing. If he is taking up all your time being naughty, then you may as well give him the time for praise. It's worth a try ... but as soon as you back down, they know it is worth having a tantrum. If all else fails ... have a chat to your health visitor??? He is at that age where he is testing the boundaries and working out the rules unfortunately.

yes HSMM, i am sure he is testing the boundaries. we've really regressed with his dummy - we were on a strict routine of no dummy at all during the day except for his lunchtime nap (which has gone out the window anyway), but he has been so awful over christmas we resorted to using it again and now it seems the only thing that will calm him down when he has a major tantrum and he's getting more dependent on it not less. we may have to go cold turkey this week - we've been staying with my parents who are in their 70s and felt we'd rather give him the dummy than drive them nuts over xmas...

My 16m old is like this. Hich pitched screeching and whinging all day. He plays with the toilet brush, I keep catching him trying to get into the oven (luckily electric so turns off at wall) he also shuts himself in the airing cupboard, doesn't cry in there, I open door and he's just laying on the floor with the most stupid grin.
Nappy changes and dresing is a complete nightmare!!! I use stickers now, put one on his hand/arm/face so he is distracted trying to get it off just long enough for me to do what needs to be done.
Have ds2 due in 7 weeks too I'm scared

WE have demanding boys too. We try to get them out of the house for as long as possible at least twice a day. Long walk, wrapped up in waterproofs if necessary, run in the park etc.. I think a structured day helps you too, esp when they're a nightmare: so you can at least tell yourself, right after sorting the washing, we'll have a snack, then the park, then lunch, then visit friends etc... Keeps your mind off worrying so much when you know you've got something to distract them with next... We just invent new activities like filing kitchen utensils somewhere new, or 'washing up' on the kitchen floor, or posting old magazines out the letterbox etc... Keeps them interested

Sometimes, in the middle of the tantrums, just opening the door and sitting on the front step helps calm ours down too.

Regular food is also crucial with our kids: they need a snack in between meals otherwise they are hellish.

And even though it seems like it might be harder work, it often isn't if you have another friend over. When your attention is focused entirely on them, they are at liberty to play up more; when other people are around, they get more used to entertaining themselves without adults. The more the merrier sometimes!

Hi there, DD is 19 months and has started wanting to do things herself. I've been letting her have a go until she motions that she wants help. Everything takes a hundred times longer, but it makes her feel she has a bit on control. I think its a really hard age for them as they can see us doing things really easily and planning their day and they have no control. I also agree with strict ground rules that aren't backed down from. With stand offs, I am either using distraction tactics (which are working less and less), or decide how important the battle is to me. Often I'm saying no because I've decided thats how its going to be, but on reflection its not that important, so I let her win a few of those ones to keep things even . Very, very hard work. Hope you can keep you sanity and calm as it definitely helps. Don't think they are deliberately winding us up yet, just frustrated little beans!

I roll up his sleeves and put on a bib (have one with plastic backing and sleeves from Mothercare which works best), pull up a chair to the sink and he gets stuck in. I stay close by but potter around loading the dishwasher etc.

With this weather lately I must admit we have been watching a bit of telly too. We watch it together and chat about the stories and it keeps him calm for a while. It gives you a rest now and then so I don't think there is too much wrong with it, as long as you do plenty of other activities as well.

agree with both regular snacks and friends round. Sometimes I think DD is tired, but actually she is hungry/needs energy not sleep.

Yes, you are so right with everything you've said there GoodWill, we have snack times, story times, outdoor trips etc at same time most days and I try to work housework into a set pattern too so he knows what's happening.
My ds also loves water, I get the old baby bath out on really bad days and put it in living room for him. He also likes to be chased by the hoover.
I find, when ds screams for no reason, if I scream too, he laughs and does something else.
Also if I know there's nothing wrong with him I try to ignore it tbh, if I respond to every winge then I'll be doing it for years. I give him the attention when he stops. But that's if I'm sure there's nothing wrong. He has to learn that I have to wash up/hoover/dust etc, as much as I'd love it too, the whole world cannot revolve around ds. Do I sound really mean

I completely sympathise with you. DS1 is 2.5 and has been completely hyper for as long as I can remember - and without wanting to worry you, it is even harder now than it was then.

I actually look forward to the days he is in nursery as it is so hard when he is at home.

No advice for you as I am struggling with my DS1 - made even harder by the fact I have a 5-week old baby aswell who pretty much gets ignored as I am having to focus on DS1 so much.

oooh ceebee, am 38wks and just reading this which says having a second child makes you all miserable! Think every new mother should read it before she ever has sex again! I'm now very frightened of what we have before us and DD isn't even that highly spirited, more bossy and demanding!

Fourstocking - I don't want to make you feel even worse but going from 1 to 2 children has been so so so much harder than we imagined.

DS1 is a very boisterous little boy so we can't put the baby anywhere where he is safe from hands, fingers, flying feet etc (apart from the changing mat!) - the only time DS2 can have a kick around on his baby gym is at night when DS1 goes to bed - I feel so sorry for DS2 as he just gets abandoned in his moses basket most of the time

I find I am actually wishing away DS2's babyness until a time when he is much more able to withstand DS1's boisterousness and we don't have to be on constant 'watch'.

What does the book say? (just out of interest?) Why does it make everyone miserable (I thought it was just us tbh!)

Back to the OP - just out of interest, how do you take your 'hyper' boys/girls for a walk?

DS1 wants to walk but won't hold our hands most of the time, won't wear his reins and won't go in his pushchair - meaning there is no safe way for us to go for a walk Me and DH love walking so it is so frustrating tbh!!

My DS won't hold hands and just sits on the floor when we try reins, so it can be a struggle. He's always been a nightmare in the buggy but has recently been a lot better (I only do the straps around his waist now - realised he hates being strapped around the shoulders as well and this has made a huge difference to how long/happy he will be in the buggy).

Tend to take him to the park and let him run some energy off there. He has actually asked to go back into the buggy a couple of times

I think I am just of the 'be firm' school.

If you don't hold the hand/wear the reins, you don't walk. if you won't go in the pushchair because you won't hold hands, er, someone 'puts' you in the pushchair...

re. taking him for a walk, i've been having some success with having him wear a hoodie and holding him by the hood - it means i have to kind of jog along behind him and it doesn't feel as safe as reins but works up to a point. the trouble is sometimes he notices it and gets annoyed and starts trying to swipe my hand off or just sits down on the pavement, has a tantrum, and refuses to budge so it's not a perfect solution
am interested in what some responses are saying about having a second child. i've had two miscarriages in the last five months and we were planning to try again in ten days time but DS1 has been such hard work in the last couple of weeks that i'm seriously questioning whether it would be wise to have another child so soon.... perhaps these miscarriages were a sort of (horrible) "blessing" as perhaps i am not cut out to cope with two very young children. i have always wanted two or three children and i am 34 so not a spring chicken but i am wondering whether a bigger age gap would make things easier....

my ds is 16 months and is exactly the same! tantrums sometimes from 6am to the moment he goes in the bath before bed (he loves his bath so usually calms him down, until it's time to wash his bloody hair, then it all starts again!)

i have noticed that my ds is understanding a lot of what we say but has not got many words (4 to be precise!) so can't express himself at all which has always annoyed him.

he's always hated the buggy too but when i walk with him i just make him hold my hand. sometimes, he pulls away and tries to run off/ has a tantrum when i won't let go but i calmly say 'you either hold mummy's hand or mummy will pick you up', he used to continue to pull away screaming but now has realised this means he gets picked up. he is very slowly learning to tolerate more and more hand holding.

not much advice re the hyper thing, i think most of them are like this. my ds never sits down and is just climbing everything/ throwing strops/ screeching for most of the day . even worse when tired or teething obviously. thank god he is an only child and will be staying that way from what stories i have read!

My son is 17 months and the dressing / nappy changing is a nightmare. I just pin him down and get on with it, but its exhanusting!!

He also will not go in his oushchair if we go for walks, hold my hand or wear reigns (he just sits down). The only thing he will wear is the little life backpack, as he doesn't appear to realise these are reigns, he will sometimes wear the wrist strap as well. I am often seen leaving the park with a screaming, kicking ds in arms!!

Loving the idea of letting him play with the sink water - am gonna try that today! I am also pregnant with no.2 and am getting scared!!!

i have 15mth boy - nappy change has really ramped up since just before he turned 1. doc says 'loss of control...doens't like lying down' etc, but that doesn't help. talk him through it...distract him, work quickly - tried it all. sometimes good, often hell! he too regressed with dummy after being ill, migth have been coincidence, might be him just exerting his control over part of his world. not making an issue of it, hope that best tactic.

he always fares better if has busy day. need to get out house! we go digger and tractor hunting, park, gardens...anything to mix it up and keep him entertained. he uses playpen for short periods of time and has got much better at playing by himself 20 30 mins. duplo new winner!

hang in there

oh well at least this proves they are all little swines, it's not just mine, lol.

Just popping in to say what the book says... I'd definitely read it if you are considering/pregnant with number two...

Basically its about the fact that you can (almost) do book style mothing with one child, following the programs/routines etc. Once you have two you have no time to think/read the books/be consistent/get any sleep/have any kind of relationship/those you do have deteriorate.

you are more likely to: give up work/have PND/hate yourself/become a worse mother etc etc.

It is fairly negative but does have some suggestions for coping with some of it. Its basically a warning that all the surveys/parent classes/media depictions are on the one mother one child model, and thats not what you'll be having! I think its good to be a bit more realistic about how its going to be, rather than thinking 'oh the first 6 months are going to be a bit harder'. No. Apparently the first 6 months are hard, but they are the easy ones. The first born will take up to a year to adjust, by which time you will spend your time adjudicating and arbitrating, cleaning and cooking, not playing and going to classes (as their interests will differ).

EEEEEEK! I have two weeks left before I jump from the frying pan!

fourlittle, does the book have any constructive advice on how much of an age gap to leave if you want to have more than one child but avoid the miseries it describes?? surely it must be a lot easier if, say, you have a baby and a four or five year old? not that leaving it that long is an option in our case as i'm not young enough to have the luxury of a lot of time...

i reckon that it totally depends on the type of baby you have though tbh. some little babies are very content which means you have all the time in the world to get dc1 adjusted and give them extra cuddles/ attention. others need constand movement, holding, feeding etc. some grow up to be placid toddlers. i'm sure everyone is totally different. loads of people manage with a small age gap so it can't be undoable, just glad i'm not doing it!

Fourlittlestockingfeet - thanks for the summary of what the book says. A year to adjust?? Really???? And I thought it was going to get easier soon!

I definitely agree with the 'becoming a worse mother' - I let DS1 watch far too much TV as it is easier to deal with DS2 whilst DS1 is distracted. Fortunately DS2 is a very chilled baby and can be left in his moses basket for ages and doesn't need constant holding, rocking etc - I can't imagine how difficult it would be if he was one of those babies.

I am also very lucky in that I can still afford to send DS1 to nursery 4 days a week even though I am on mat leave (I am going to drop it to 3 days once I become more confident with them both) so at least we all get a break and DS2 gets some 1-2-1 attention for 4 days. Without this, I can honestly say I wouldn't be coping at all!