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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Is there anything I can do to make my 3 yr old ds more confident?

29 replies

Wintersun · 20/12/2008 19:08

He's a lovely sweet little boy but seems to have very little confidence. He is incredibly shy and never answers people when they talk to him and just looks down.
He'll talk to his grand parents and aunts and uncles and play with other children that he knows.
He never talks to my friends even though he's seen them loads and plays with their kids. He's also overly-sensitive and cries at anything. I do my best to comfort him and then try to encourage him to 'get over it'. He still cries when I take him to nursery and am concerned for when he starts school in September.

I actually find it difficult to deal with as I'm fairly 'tough' myself and come from a 'tough' family, iykwim so am not used to it.
I'm also worried because his younger brother seems to be quite strong willed and confident and has already learnt how to push some of his buttons.

Can anyone give me any advice please?

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lizziebeth · 20/12/2008 19:20

I was a shy child and was made to feel this was "wrong" in some way.

As an adult, I can accept that shyness is a just part of my character and have learnt to accept it in a positive way.

I understand your concerns though because as a society we consider shyness a negative trait.

Can you generally encourage him to interact with others without making it a big deal if he doesn't want to?

If he does make an effort, you can praise him a lot. Sounds like he's comfortable with those he knows and that's a good thing.

lizziebeth · 20/12/2008 19:22

Ps. There is a very good book out there called the Sensitive Child or the Shy Child, might be worth getting hold of.

Original poster

Wintersun · 20/12/2008 19:26

Thanks Lizziebeth. I'll definitely try to find that book.

I do praise him a lot but honestly speaking, I often get frustrated with him. We went to a party today and he spent most of the time in tears over something or other.

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lizziebeth · 20/12/2008 19:43

No worries. The book might be called the Highly Sensitive Child actually.

What kind of things does he get upset over? What tends to happen?

lizziebeth · 20/12/2008 19:46

Found a link for you

www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

muckypups · 20/12/2008 19:52

Wintersun i can sympathise with you 1. on the oversensitive shy child thing and two. Trying you damm hardest to boost thier confidence but sometimes it getting tto much.

I find it hard to keep patience when my dd struggles to thank people or say goodbye, thats even to her grand parents.

I now do it for her and if anyone comments then tough. im trying to show her that whatever i will stick up for her and its not a bad thing to be shy. I hope im doing right by her. i think i will also invest in lizziebeths recomendation. I dont need to tell you lots of cuddles, loving and boosting of seld confidence as im sure youve already been told or read up on this, stick with it though, hes only 3 bless him. i bet he will be full of confidence by the time hes a teenager and youll be pulling your hair our wondering where he gets it from.

Original poster

Wintersun · 20/12/2008 19:52

He'll cry loads if he has a little fall or bump, even when I'm sure he's not really hurt. He'll cry if he sees another child with a toy he wants to play with and lots of times he'll cry for reasons that I don't even know about.
I keep asking him what's wrong or what happened and he won't say.

I've had a look at that book on Amazon and some others too. It never occurred to me to look for a book for advice so thanks!

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muckypups · 20/12/2008 19:56

Wintersun try the test on Lizzies link and let us know the score x

lizziebeth · 20/12/2008 19:58

Does sound like he fits the highly sensitive thing very well.

Well good luck and keep us posted. Be interested to know what you make of the book.

Original poster

Wintersun · 20/12/2008 19:58

Thanks muckypups. I totally understand what you're saying.
I'm always encouraging ds to thank people or say goodbye. Its often hard work and I do really praise him and hug him if he ever does. I know he's only 3 but its when I see ds2 making him cry that I get a bit worried and wonder if his confidence will be affected by having a younger brother who (as far as I can tell at the moment) is more confident and out going than him.

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muckypups · 20/12/2008 20:01

Just wanted to say also its great that you have recognised this so early as there is lots you can do as you are so obviously aware of it. My dd is 6 and getting better now with lots of encouragement from me and her teachers. She was given Mary as a role in her nativity which she didnt find out untill the morning she did it which was a great moral booster for her, i keep going on about how proud i am of her and how she rememebered her lines (which was only one word, jesus, bless her) She looked mortified when did it, blushed deep red and looking down all the time

Original poster

Wintersun · 20/12/2008 20:10

I just did the test and the score was 12 so not at the 13 threshold but there were a few where the answers were extremely true.

Thats great news about your dd Muckypups. Well done to her

I'm going to get that book you mentioned Lizziebeth plus another one called The Shyness Breakthrough.

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muckypups · 20/12/2008 20:13

Oh i made it to 16 with DD, but i reckon a few more months and ill get it down a few.

I dont think my child is highly sensitive though, she is highly strung and thats where the crying issues come in. I think the shyness book would be better for me with her.

I think at age three the crying issues regarding toys is understandable

piscesmoon · 20/12/2008 20:27

Don't force him and don't make a big thing of it-it has to come naturally. I agree with lizziebeth.

dustyteddy · 20/12/2008 20:42

I was a 'shy child' (hate that label!) but have grown out of it so I can function in soceity. I still feel shy as an adult, especially in groups. I have accepted as part of my personality and actually find it helps me, for example thinking first before I jump in with an idea.

Please don't force your ds to do things he is not ready for yet. People who are shy often only need more time to assess a situation before launching in. Keep building his confidence, he will get there

piscesmoon · 20/12/2008 22:00

I was the shy DC too and nothing was worse than someone trying to force you out of your shell! You come out when you are ready. It was very gradual-I think I was about 26!

lizziebeth · 20/12/2008 22:14

I read something really interesting ... in China, being shy is considered a highly desirable trait. Shy children are the most popular kids in school.

Isn't it bizarre that it's perceived so differently in the West?

piscesmoon · 20/12/2008 22:19

I never know why it is viewed so negatively, lizziebeth. I think it is because people have to make more effort to get to know them-often worthwhile in the end.

lizziebeth · 20/12/2008 22:25

Piscesmoon, think you're right. And I guess it just doesn't fit in with our go-getting culture.

piscesmoon · 20/12/2008 22:34

OP's ds is fine with people he really knows so I would say he is reserved. Everyone expects the instant these days!

Original poster

Wintersun · 20/12/2008 22:52

I worry because such a big part of life revolves around being social and having the confidence to accept change.

I want ds1 to be happy above everything else.
I don't want him scared of school or hating it. I don't want him feeling unhappy every time we visit friends or go to a party.

I wouldn't dream of forcing him to do anything. I just want to try to help him to build his confidence so he doesn't feel upset most of the time. I don't know if there is actually anything I can do but I'll definitely try.

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piscesmoon · 20/12/2008 23:01

I loved school-from the very first moment-being shy doesn't mean you don't like social things. I think it took me me until about the age of 8 to enjoy parties.
My DS 2 hated change, couldn't stay away a night (I was forever collecting him at 11pm!)We never drew attention to it or told him off or made a fuss. Just gently encouraged. He is 18 now and you would never know what he used to be like! He mixes with all sorts, has a girlfriend,flew back from the States on his own last winter. Don't worry!
Don't let it stop him doing things but don't force it-there is a very, very fine line.

Original poster

Wintersun · 20/12/2008 23:19

I know I shouldn't really worry but its part of our job description

My biggest issue is that I don't know how to deal with it. No one in my family is shy or so sensitive. I have nieces and nephews and they're all very confident and out going too.

Hopefully, reading up on it will help me to understand him better.

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lizziebeth · 20/12/2008 23:41

Actually I think it's very natural to worry. No one wants to think of their child having any difficulties in life.

As your say Wintersun, it's a parent's job to worry - and also to help them through these things because they can't avoid everything in life that's hard.

There'll be loads of things you be able to help him with, the books will be massively helfpul.

The single biggest thing you can do is try to understand him which is you are already on the case with. You're not trying to insist he changes to be like the rest of the family.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2008 09:10

I think you will find that it will rub off on him as time goes by-he is very little.
I'm not at all shy now-I will quite happily stand on a stage and talk to a roomful of people!
I can see it is difficult not to worry but the best think is just to ignore it-don't draw attention to it. It's a bit like anything else in child development-some take longer. I remember watching one of Prof Winston's Child of Our Time programmes and the shy little boy was found to be the one with the highest self esteem.
As long as you give him a secure, loving home life (where he doesn't feel pressurised)he will do it in his own time.
My shy nephew is a member of the National Youth Theatre-he is quite happy on stage hiding in a character! Do not despair!

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