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Parenting

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Original poster

age gaps

41 replies

pamelat · 18/12/2008 21:31

I know this topic has been done before but would really like some advice please.

DD is 11 months old (just) and I am feeling very broody.

Am wondering whether to start trying now (DH is happy to) or whether to wait.

I got pregnant within a week last time but am aware that I was very lucky and that life is not always that easy.

I am due back at work in 6 weeks and a bit wary about going back pregnant, will they think badly of me?

In an ideal world I would wait a year and then our next baby could be born when DD is almost 3, and will qualify for some free childcare.

I just don't know if I can wait a year. I also dont want the baby years to last forever as I want some sleep soon!

What do you think of age gaps. Say you had the choice of

12 months
18 months
2 years

What would you "chose"? know its not as easy as that ... but hypothetically, please

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ChristmasDisco · 18/12/2008 21:33

3 yrs TBH

There is exactly 2 between ours and the first 2 yrs was very hard for us. They are great now though (5 & 3)

tistheCEEBEEtobejolly · 18/12/2008 21:37

I had my second child 4 weeks ago and DS1 is 2.5 years old and, if I am honest, it hasn't been easy.

DS1 has obviously realised things have changed but is not old enough to understand and articulate what he is feeling - cue lots of tantrums, whinging etc.

4 weeks later, his behaviour has improved a lot but it is still quite hard.

I remember telling me that she read an article saying that 2+ years was the most popular age gap between children but was actually the hardest to manage.

ChristmasDisco · 18/12/2008 21:38

Hardest to manage but best in the long term... apparently.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

thisisyesterday · 18/12/2008 21:40

longer!!!

i had a 2yrs 9 m onths gap between my first 2 and it wasn't difficult per se, but ds1 really struggled to deal with it.

i decided on a smaller age gap between the next 2, ds2 will be 20 months when db3 is born.

however, ds1 is SO different this time round. he is so excited about the new baby and it's just lovely. he'll be 4 in feb
there is something called natural child spacing, or optimum child spacing and I think they do say about 4 yrs is ideal.

Biglipsdrankallthexmasbaileys · 18/12/2008 21:42

the age gap between my girls are 3.11 yrs old...its perfect as my dd1 helps me alot with the baby. i would think 3.6yrs old age gap is good. Some mothers prefer to have the age gaps closer.

PlonkerTeatowelOnTheirHeads · 18/12/2008 21:43

I have a 3 yr gap and a 4 year gap.

Both have been fairly easy gaps but I prefer the 3 year gap, its really lovely.

If I'm honest and could choose again I would have gone for either 3 year between both, or possibly a shorter gap still of maybe 2.5 yrs??

ladyjuliafish · 18/12/2008 21:43

I have 18 months between my first 2 and I would recommend it. I wouldn't want them to be much closer because at 18 months, ds1 could get in and out of his car seat and walk about competently etc which made things easier. At 12 months I think it would be harder just getting in and out of the house. Also when you have a baby and a toddler you can put them both down for a nap in the afternoon and have them both in bed quite early at night. With a 3 year old you don't get a break in the middle of the day unless they have a late bedtime. I am having my third soon and dc2 will be 3.5. I do feel a bit like I'm going back to the beginning again whereas I was used to carrying a massive changing bag around all the time and having to use the lift instead of stairs etc.

Wheelybug · 18/12/2008 21:46

hmmm wise words from thisisyesterday - I think 4 years is just about right .

I aimed for 2 years and it all went a bit horribly wrong and am (fingers crossed, touching wood etc) ending up with 4.1/4.2. DD is really interested/excited/understands exactly what is going on (well at least I think so - obviously the proof will be when the baby comes). Obviously the down sides are that I expect there will be times when they are growing up when 4 years will seem like a big gap and I think I'm going to find it very hard to get back to the baby-stuff.

To be honest, I think there is no ideal age gap. There are advantages and disadvantages to everyone. I'd say, if you think you might like another now, go for it as it might not happen so easily next time. BUt hopefully it will !

thisisyesterday · 18/12/2008 21:56

haven't read all of this but optimum child spacing

thisisyesterday · 18/12/2008 21:57

am sure there is stuff on askdrsears.com too, but can't find it atm

Beesmummy · 18/12/2008 21:58

depends how many you want and how old you are!
I was going to have a 17 month gap, but lost the baby at 6 months. Now (having luckily got pregnant v quickly third time) going to have 2.1 year age gap. If there is any silver lining to what was a miserable situation, I would say that it will be easier to cope now Bee is a bit older - she can articulate what is wrong, she has a vague idea that another baby is coming etc... I generally just find her a bit easier now she can talk and walk and follow instructions a bit.
Having said that, I think it is really good fun if you have two very close together when they are a bit older, they can really play together.

Zebraa · 18/12/2008 22:08

My DS has just turned one, and my DD is due March!

DD was unplanned and quite a shock but we do want a big family. I asked a similar question because I want to leave it a good few years now before having another.

Just want to be 20 something without being pregnant ha!

I say go for it. I've found it a bit tough being tired and having an active little man to run around after but wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy humping baby making!

elkiedee · 18/12/2008 22:14

I'm rather nervous at the prospect of a fairly small age gap - I waited until I started back at work and then a few weeks to ttc again, but then got pregnant first go - DS was born May last year, DC2 due in January so age gap will probably be under 21 months.

My age is a factor - as I'm 39 now I couldn't really think I'd wait another year or so, and first time round it took 9 months to get pregnant.

I'd suggest waiting until you get back to work, particularly if you get morning sickness etc, I wouldn't have wanted to be dealing with that in my first week back. But then try, if you want another it's not your problem what work thinks of you. Hopefully they'll be nice about it, people have been pretty good to me considering... When I first got pregnant again I wasn't sure if my tiredness was due to ds1 or something more for a few weeks, and I felt and thought I was so early that my first test came back negative (but I wasn't imagining it).

Zebraa · 18/12/2008 22:18

I forgot to mention the financial side, really consider it seriously. I've had to give up work for the time being as I'm a teacher and got pregnant whilst on mat leave. Luckily my partner has a very well paid, secure job. Last thing you want to be doing is setting yourself up for a struggle.

Just think all aspects through thoroughly and then make your decision.

ketal · 18/12/2008 22:31

I went for a three year (exactly) gap, as I wanted my eldest to have her time of being 'the baby'. Once a sibling comes along, they do have to grow up and take responsibility - whether they're not allowed to do things in case siblings copy, or that they have to let the younger child have the toy, or look after them at soft play and so on... I wanted my DD to have her time of being a baby before she had to grow up and become the big sister. 3 years is perfect for us - DD1 is now old enough to get DD2 breakfast at the weekend, she's old enough to enjoy the responsibility, they are still close enough in age to play together, and they are very close, but we have the benefits of a bigger gap.

HTH

bonnycat · 19/12/2008 08:00

There are 2 years between mine and me and DP have found the last year really hard.Im hopeful that as they get older it will be easier and already they are great friends and their closeness is wonderful.I was worried it might take a while to conceive-we were very lucky and it happened straight away.

FiveDollarShake · 19/12/2008 08:09

There is 2.5 years between my DC and I found it very hard being pregnant and running around after a toddler and also BF the baby etc with a demanding toddler to amuse. Luckily my DD is a very placid baby.

I would like another child in the future but would ideally like to wait until DD is at school so I can enjoy the baby. So that would be at least another 3 or 4 years. DP would like another DC but isnt keen on waiting that long as he's a few years older than me.

Original poster

pamelat · 19/12/2008 09:05

Thnks everyone, I realised last night that when I was giving "age gaps" I actually meant to get pregnant when DD is 12 months, 18 months etc etc.

It would be impossible for me to a have a 12 month gap right now!

Age wise, I'm just 31.

DH is being made redundant in January (he only found out this week) so I guess really we should wait until he has found another job. My job is secure (public sector) but it would be difficult to get by on just my wage.

We would lie 3 chilren eventually (fingers crosse) so I don't have forever to hang around, but I can (hopefully) afford to leave a year or two gaps between them.

MY DH is 38 so he doesnt want to wait too long either.

I think I will go back to work in Feb and see what comes of my DH's job situation, and re-think in March. She will be 14 months then, so even best case situation there would be 2 years between them (but then you say its the hardest gap, eeek)

Yesterday I was at first birthday parties and DD was in a lovely mood. Today she is being a madam (!) and it does change your perspective!

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 09:18

Have a big gap. Much easier to manage.

Original poster

pamelat · 19/12/2008 09:41

Yep, head says big age gap, heart says now.
Is 11 months a particular broody time, lots of 1st birthdays coming up, going back to work soon and enjoying a comfortable amount of sleep (most nights).

Part of me thinks, do it all now and get the sleeplessness over with.

OP posts:

ilovetochatupsanta · 19/12/2008 09:53

i think when dd started walking she didn't feel like such a baby anymore iyswim so i felt a bit broody for a while. we haven't decided whether we definitley want another baby but if we do we want a 3 yr gap. now dd is 17 months and i'm so glad i'm not pregnant as i can enjoy dd and she is still my baby.
just to say the broodiness passed and i'm glad we waited.

Fennel · 19/12/2008 09:57

I chose and like smaller age gaps. 17 months and then (what we consider a long gap) 2y8m. Now we have 3dds with 4 years between them and they are very compatible in what they like doing, they play together for hours, they stick together when going to new activities which might not be much fun alone.

It makes some things easy. We like mixing with other children and families but we never have to, at weekends or holidays, because they already always have people to play with. And they like doing similar things.

PLUS I never ever have to play mummies and babies or other dire games, apparently people with a big age gap have to do those things.

Yorky · 19/12/2008 10:22

Mine are 22months apart, youngest 1month old today and its been hard so far, especially as DS has had cold and not been sleeping well! I am looking forward to them being able to play together

Fennel · 19/12/2008 10:57

Mine played together from when dd2 was about 8months, (so dd1 was nearly 2). I've got photos of them at that age, play fighting, going on seesaws. So it's not that long to wait.

I can't actually remember much about the first few months of having 2 under 2. Which I guess means it was knackering. All those double buggies and double nappies. But I reasoned that you get the same number of nappies and buggies, in the long run, you're just concentrating the effort. It's not more work, it's just more work for a short time, and then hopefully less work in the long run.

stillenacht · 19/12/2008 10:59

I had a 4 year age gap - my DS1 was such a shock in terms of lack of sleep and permanent crying that i couldn't contemplate anything less.

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