Why do we have children?
scoobysnax · 18/03/2003 13:02
I have been pondering this big question. For me it was an accidental pregnancy although my subconcious biological clock could have been to blame...
What reasons did other people have?
mum2toby · 18/03/2003 13:03
Money - with all these Tax Credits, ds is a gold mine!!! And it gives someone a bit more intelligent to talk to in the house.
mum2toby · 18/03/2003 13:06
I had painfully strong maternal urges that were driving me mad for months. Then dp announced one day that he wanted a baby and I jumped for joy. 2 months later I was pg and we both thought 'OH SH*T, WHAT HAVE WE DONE!'
But we are delighted now. DS is 21 mths old and a star!!
zebra · 18/03/2003 13:23
Mine were unplanned, too, although I had been feeling broody for years.
That said, as a teenager I was adament I would never have kids. Then my uncle (not overly profound chap), said that he couldn't imagine not having had his kids. It was just one of life's main experiences; you miss a lot by not having children. I guess that was the seed of my change.
I've argued about this before, but will say it anyway. I think having kids is a selfish thing to do. We bring them into the world for us, not them.
Bugsy · 18/03/2003 13:30
For me, it was a "natural" progression. From my early teens I thought I would go to university, work in London, get married and then have children and that is what I did. I didn't have a particularly strong maternal urge, it just seemed to be the next thing to do.
WideWebWitch · 18/03/2003 13:34
Zebra IKWYM - I think a lot of people want children and get pregnant for selfish reasons. But I think actually having children is very often an unselfish act, as is contributing to the future of the human race by bringing them up.
My ds was an accident so I didn't think about it before having him, although looking back scoobysnax, I also think my subconcious biological clock was to blame since we weren't being sensible about contraception. Like you though zebra, I thought I didn't want them until I was pregnant and then I thought Oh well, it's one of those things one should experience in life really. As if children are something you can just 'experience' and then leave alone again! How naive I was.
lou33 · 18/03/2003 13:51
My oldest was a result of desperately wanting a baby after miscarrying 3 years before, after the bf at the time told me to choose him or baby, and that if I chose baby he would throw me out. I miscarried shortly afterwards, and shortly after that we split. Dh met me soon after I had the mc, and he was aware of the damage it had done to me mentally, even to the point of me attempting suicide 18 months later as I could not come to terms with what had happened. He was there to pick up the pieces and knew that a child was a big priority for me in the future. Dd2 was born because we wanted dd1 to have a sibling, though it took a lot longer to concieve her than dd1, and an operation to boot. Found out I was pg with ds1 and ds2 about a week after stating categorically that I didn't want any more children! I've been sterilised now so that can't happen again. Not that we get too many chances to try with 4 children lurking around the house .
Nutjob · 18/03/2003 14:03
My first (ds) was a 'surprise' - don't like to use the word 'accident'!! Dh and I did want to have children, but we had only been married 5 months when I discovered I was pregnant, so it was a bit sooner than planned. Dd was planned as I wanted ds to have a sibling, and luckily I fell pregantn with her really quickly. Dh now considers our family complete, but I am not so sure.......... Hope it doesn't cause problems in the future.
susanmt · 18/03/2003 14:19
We just wanted to do it - I think it was a natural progression for me too. And I had always said I wanted my first before I was 30 (no idea why!) and that is what I did - dd was born when I was 29.
I actually got pregnant on the big holiday we were having before we tried for children!
We had ds as we decided we wanted 3 kids, and I got pg straight away when we decided to go for him. We've now decided to stop at 2, as I sholdn't have any more because I have a high risk of kidney damage if I do. And I have to say the thought of no more night feeds etc is fairly appealing to me .......
But as to WHY I ever wanted children in the first place, I havent the foggiest notion!
elliott · 18/03/2003 14:22
oh gosh, I used to ponder this question ALL THE TIME when I was trying to conceive. It had taken quite a lot of time and consideration to finally decide to try for a baby, then when it didn't happen, I felt like I was constantly having to make the decision over and over again...do I want a baby enough to be referred? enough to have a laparoscopy? enough to do IVF? WHY do I want a baby at all?? I even used to ask my friends with kids to try and explain what was so great about it (I really wanted to ask if any of them regretted it, but didn't think that was fair)
Strangely enough, I never did come up with the answer . But for me I think a lot of it was feeling I wanted to experience that stage in my life of being a parent - it seemed a really fundamental part of life, being able to contribute to raising the next generation, and ultimately really the only thing I wanted to leave behind in the world. It wasn't that my childless life was bad, or that I was unhappy, or even that I couldn't think of exciting things to do which children would preclude. I just couldn't bear the thought of that being 'it', lving out my days in much the same predictable ways.
And now that I am a mother, I am happy to say that the positives far exceed my expectations - ds brings joy we could never have imagined.
Oh dear I'd better stop this rambling nonsense now!
Azzie · 18/03/2003 15:39
Too much champagne and too few precautions.
Number 2 was planned though.
whymummy · 18/03/2003 17:44
i just thought mmmmm wouldn
t it be nice to have someone throwing up on my shoulder giving me headaches,worrying me sick,not letting me sleep,breaking my books and cds,pooing on my carpets,sticking chew it chew its in my video,turning me into an hysterical wreck?so i had my two lovely kids and they didnt let me down but i wouldn`t change them for the world,well,sometimes i could!!
Claireandrich · 18/03/2003 19:35
When I reached about 27 I just decided that I was old enough to be a mum! I persuaded DH and thought 'that's it, we'll be parents this time next year'. Didn't quite work out as planned. It took us 2 years (and a mc) to conceive DD, who is now 11 months old. She was definitely worth the wait though!
judetheobscure · 18/03/2003 19:45
I'd always wanted children, preferably lots of them (well 5 to be exact!) It is a strange thing that (for most of us) they take us to hell and back but we wouldn't change them and love them unconditionally. Your life changes beyond all recognition, mostly for the worse, really, let's be honest, and yet their mere existence makes it all worth while.
Lindy · 18/03/2003 20:49
I am ashamed to admit this but I 'allowed' my DH to persuade me to have a baby - we had been married for 10 years and had agreed, before marriage, that we would not have children. I have never had a maternal instinct in my life. We had some marital problems & one of the 'big' issues was that my DH felt he really did want a child after all. We did have a DS, who is now 2, and DH is a brilliant father but, in my heart of hearts, I wonder if I really did the right thing, I find being a mother is very, very difficult.
Not trying to give a sob story, just answering the question!
PamT · 18/03/2003 21:16
It was my one ambition in life to have the house, husband, family, car etc. I do sometimes wonder though if my desire to have children was a need for someone to love who would love me back. I've loved having babies but as they get older I find my children harder to deal with and often wonder if I should have settled for a dog!
aloha · 18/03/2003 21:48
I always liked children. I like their take on the world. I think they are fun and charming. Whenever I look at those 'change your life and live in another country' programmes I think the children are so much more charming than the adults and almost feel sad that we lose so much as we grow up. I wanted a child because I wanted someone like that in my life, to love and to have the special intimacy of motherhood with (ie not just a godmother etc). I wasn't under any illusions that it would be easy so I decided that I wouldn't have a baby until I met the right man - the right man being one who also really wanted children, who wanted to marry me, and would totally share the work and the pleasure. My dh had a daughter when I met him so I was able to see beforehand what a totally hands on and committed and loving father he was. We also shared views on smacking, food, discipline etc that I could see would be essential later down the line. My son is the light of my life. He's so much better than anything else I've done in my life - and I like to think I've done a reasonable amount. I love him in a way I've never loved anything or anyone before. I often look at him and wonder what I have done to deserve such an amazing and wonderful person in my life. And when he says 'Mama, cuddle' and reaches out to me, I feel just overwhelmed by love and tenderness. He has skin like a peach and is totally beautiful in my eyes. I so look forward to every stage in his life, showing him things for the first time, taking him to places I loved as a kid - all this seems thrilling and fulfilling to me. I can't wait to see him make his first sandcastle or help me cook or read his first words. I wanted a child for so many reasons - from the utterly trivial, such as buying little, tiny clothes - to the profound, for example I was interested in the changes motherhood would make to me as a person. This year I watched Comic Relief through a haze of tears, trying to hold back sobs, which wouldn't have happened before. I feel for all the children in the world and now give more to charity and sponsor a child etc. This is what I hoped for with motherhood and I feel so lucky that I got it. I also felt ready for a change this big. I was happy before, but change is life and my life would have felt incomplete without my being my son's mother. It has given me new direction, a new perspective on life, a different focus, changed my career (for the better).... some of these things I anticipated and hoped for, some have come as surprises. I certainly didn't enjoy the sleep deprivation of months three to eight (before then I think I survived on elation and adrenaline) and sometimes felt really sad and exhausted, frustrated and baffled. But less than I have at work! And my son is a lot nicer than any of my previous bosses. Yes, I sometimes would like to lie in with my dh until midday, or to drive around America with just dh and me, or just to walk out of the house without a thought about another person, but every night (truly) dh & I go to bed and talk about how lucky we are to have such a wonderful little boy. I love the feeling of being a family, too. It just feels very loving and 'right'. I liked the miraculous feeling of being pregnant too, and felt very close to my ds while pregnant, which I thought I would. I suppose I just knew that raising a child would be something that I would love doing. On a morbid note, when he was about six months old, I realised that even if a terrible tragedy occurred and he died, I would be glad I had had him and happy to have shared his life however brief and that I would always be his mother. I couldn't ask for more.
jolou1 · 18/03/2003 22:12
aloha, you've just written exactly how I feel about my two little boys. I shall retire to bed with blotchy eyes but feeling a little better that I'm not the only soppy old git when it comes to my little chaps!
Nutjob · 18/03/2003 22:14
aloha - what you just wrote was so beautiful and eloquent. I feel exactly the same way about my children, but would never have found the write words, so I will just say 'ditto'!!
sobernow · 18/03/2003 22:24
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Tinker · 18/03/2003 23:15
Completely agree about the feeling of having no doubt about laying down your life, sobernow.
I always knew I wanted children but my daughter was, in no way, planned! I just used to be a big tart and, the combination of alcohol and being careless with contraceptive meant that the inevitable happened. People have suggested that, subconciously, I must have 'allowed' it to happen. Don't think so myself but am eternally grateful.
Clarinet60 · 18/03/2003 23:47
aloha, that's lovely.
When DS1 was born, I knew I'd always been his mummy, even when I was a little girl. The night before he was born I had a vivid dream that we were flying through the universe together.
No such esoteric stuff went on before/during DS2's birth though. I wonder why? (Not a rhetorical question, BTW)
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