Why do we have children?

[scoobysnax]

I have been pondering this big question. For me it was an accidental pregnancy although my subconcious biological clock could have been to blame...
What reasons did other people have?

Seemed like a good idea at the time?????

My brilliant cousin who is the most educated and intelligent woman on the planet has five kids and when I asked her what it was like she said " You know what, it's the only darn thing worth doing".

I agree.

Great thread here. I have a hard time disagreeing with what Zebra says. I was feeling broody at 33, and had DD when I was 35. I think I went through an early mid-life crisis and was imagining myself alone and childless - which I found to be a really depressing thought for whatever reason. I liked the idea of a family - and growing old surrounded by little ones. I also felt like childbirth/child-rearing was something I should experience as I thought it would make me a better person. On the unselfish side, I felt like I could give to, teach, and love a child.

Aloha, I would like to know if you are planning on having more children? You are clearly in love with your child, as I am with my DD, and I am now going through a difficult decision - I don't feel like I want another child because I feel as though a new baby would take away from the time and energy I devote to my DD. On the other hand, I would like DD to have a sibling.

I have always thought that I would be a mother. However having come from a (through divorce) single parent family decided that I would not have them with someone I did not feel would still be there in five - ten years time.

Mydd was a suprise - my dh and I were married about a month if that when I must have become pregnant although it was later than that when we learned I was pregnant. Despite all the dramas and things we have been through with our dd ( too much to describe here) I would not change it for the world.

She has made me realise ( or even allow myself) other facets of me - no longer the single very strong individual ( still strong ) more open, aware of others. Being able to be with her and watch her grow and develop and over come her difficulties is the MOST REWARDING thing I have experienced in my life.

I always wanted children. When ds1 was born I would imagine him talking anddoing things together. And now he's 3 and hsl, still can't talk, we can't do half the things I'd imagined as he freaks out. I can't choose some wonderful school for him as they wouldn't have him. But it's still great. I'm as close to him as I am to his NT brother, and there's nothing like a cuddle inbed in the morning (from both of them).

Having an autistic child has changed me more than I thought possible. My views on almost everything have altered. It has made me stronger (far stronger) stroppier, more impatient (especially with the idiots in the health service, the lea and social services), but also I think more open to seeing other points of view. Although I'd love to take away his anxiety I wouldn't change him at all. And yes I'd like a third child- not sure it would be very sensible though.

3 and a half! i think ds2 fiddled with the keyboard!

I think Aloha has summed it up for me. We are both utterly in love with ds, constantly enjoy doing things with him and being with him and feel he has made us both better people. I can't believe we grew him ourselves, sometimes.
We made the decision to go for parenting later in life than many of our friends and I think had seen the (few) negatives as well as the many positives of having children. In particular, we knew from our best friends what it is to lose a young child and have never taken any aspect of it for granted.
We are persevering with having a sibling for ds because he is likely to be an only grandchild in a not very extensive family and we don't want him to grow up with too heavy a burden of family expectations/attention. He very much wants a brother or sister, too.

but the thing is, you don't know about the fantastic being in love aspect of it before it happens....so while that's a great description of why we love having our children, it doesn't really explain why we chose to have them in the first place. Actually I think it is a desire which defies rational explanation, which is why it so often happens more by accident than by design!

I had been told in my early 20's that I would find it dificult to concieve, so children were always a theoritical issue rather than a practical one. (The risks I took with contraception!) I realised with shock when I was 30 that I wanted a child, I had never felt that way before. It's an amazing feeling that biological clock, totally takes you unawares.

I told DH, 3 weeks after meeting him that I wanted a child before I was 35, leaving it up to him whether or not to continue with the relationship on that basis. I'm fairly sure he didn't particularly want children. The thought had just never really occured to him, so when I announced it was time to start trying he wasn't overtly enthusastic. Maybe like Lindy's DH I bullied him into it. The poor man just couldn't stand up to the force of my biological urges.

One night in a drunken, soppy mood, DH told me that the sluglet has been the greatest gift I have ever given him. Our lives have been transformed, on so many levels, by her presence. We have learned things about ourselves that we never suspected. DH has discovered that he has a gift for fatherhood, I've discovered (much to my surprise)that I prefer working. Every evening, after a detailed recounting of her every move - often with imitations and much laughter - we stand by her bed and admire the perfect little creature that rules our lives. Yes we had money and trips abroad before she came, but I don't remember laughing so much either.

gosh i dislike motherhood so much i have no idea why i had THREE children - stupidity on my part after first pregnancy i think

when I get a bit bitter & twisted about people who I think are c**p at their job (we both work in the media and have a bit of a rant every now & then) my dh sometimes "accuses" me of being jealous of their success - and recently I surprised even myself with a fairly eloquent speech re: how success shouldn't only be measured in terms of your working life/earning money - and that dd1 is the greatest achievement of my life so far (with dd2 just 3 weeks away!) and my relationships with my family are the most important thing in my life & the balance I have managed to achieve between work/home does me the world of good. I've always wanted to have children, anticipating it to be that awesome experience people rave about - and it's all that & more. having said that I'm glad I didn't do it any earlier (dd1 was born when I was 35) because I don't think I'd have had the patience to actually enjoy some of the more mundane moments, it's almost like I grew into being a potential parent.
aloha's spot on. those 'little' things which might seem trite to others can bring you inexplicably to tears of joy just when you least expect it. I love being pregnant, creating another life makes me feel very clever and I feel sad because this will more than likely be my last pregnancy.

I knew that I wanted children so I could share the world with them, experience the joys of childhood again and basically just act like a kid myself. Having dd has been the most fufilling thing I have ever done, she is just amazing and I enjoy this whole new life of motherhood that has opened up for me. She is only 11 months and I am loving each stage she is going through. I am very much looking forward to her growing up and seeing her personality develop. I am also very excited that a new baby will be joining us in 7 months time. Being a mum is great!

Droile, it is interesting that you say you when your ds was born you always knew that you would be his mummy, because when my ds was born, I remember vividly being wheeled up to the ward from the delivery room, and gazing down at this little bundle in my arms, and thinking 'I know that face', it didn't seem like I was meeting him for the first time, I kind of knew him already!! Sounds weird I know, but it's true.

Tinyfeet, I feel exactly like you! I am so in love with my ds and our family life is so good that I am afraid of spoiling it. But I'm of an age where I know I had better get on with it if I'm to give him a sibling to grow up with (he has an 11-year-old half sister he sees at weekends and holidays). I would love to have another in many ways - and when I look into the future and imagine us with two children round the kitchen table or running around on the beach I like it, but would the added stress make life less pleasant.... I don't want ds's babyhood to end and make him be a big boy.... my friends with two laugh at me and say that all those feelings seem silly when you have two, but I'm still not sure. Better make my mind up in the next year though or my eggs will wither while I dither!

Re: the amazing love - no, I didn't know I would feel it, but I instinctively thought I would experience something like it which is one of the reasons I wanted to have a child. I am so pleased my love has exceeded my expectations - not to mention the love I get back. I told a friend that children are like storage heaters, you charge them with your love with nothing coming back for what seems like ages - then suddenly the love starts pouring back out and it's wonderful and amazing.

I've also been thinking a lot about the word 'selfish' used to describe the desire for children. I know what you mean, but surely 'selfish' only applies when following your desire hurts someone or takes something away from them or takes away from them? After all, you wouldn't call it selfish to want a fulfilling, interesting career or to travel the world or to eat great food or raise money for charity or make birthday cards with a child - they are all things that give huge pleasure, but don't harm and may even help others too.

So that we know what our parents went through....

I didn't want to disappoint my dh. I had no wish to have children, adored my freedom and friendships and knew both would suffer if I became a mother. I was under no illusions. But dh's face lit up so much when he talked about babies and I knew he would make a great father. So I let pregnancy number one happen. I spent my pregnancy saying quiet goodbyes to all the things I would miss. I looked backwards, not forwards.

As it turned out, motherhood gave me some new freedoms as well as taking others away and I fell in love with my son.

I didn't want another child until I realised I was hitting my mental motherhood deadline - 40 years - so it was now or never. I also began to see that my ever-youthful mother, approaching 80 years, was ageing fast. Looking back this worried me more than I admitted at the time.

I saw ahead to a time she would not be there and I would be left with one son and a husband as my only family. This propelled me into persuading my husband to try for number two. He was totally surprised at my U turn. We had agreed on sticking with one.

As it turned out, my mother was in the first stages of the cancer that killed her. It had not been diagnosed at the time, but I think I sensed something was changing in her and this came out as an urge to bring a new life into the world.

Definitely a switch changing on my biological clock, I think after reading dh's comic where the main character has a child. Can't even begin to describe the feeling - the closest I can get is a gut instinct. I remember being haunted by the U2 song 'Stuck in a Moment' through that time between the switch changing and conceiving.

tinyfeet, when I had DS2, the love I felt for DS1 didn't diminish. You just open up a new file in your brain. It's hard for the first few months, then they gradually segue in to each other.

It's strange isn't it droile. I was really worried about not loving ds2 as much as ds1 before he made an appearance. But you do. You love them as much as each other, although differently. Mind you the differently bit may be just becuase mine have such different needs. I'd have no worries about not being able to love a number 3- the love is just there as intensely as the first time.

I realize now that the reason why the question about the second child comes up is because all the reasons why I had DD (my first and only child) do not apply now. I actually don't have any reasons for having another child except to provide a sibling for DD. In addition, I am not feeling broody and can't imagine feeling that way in the near future. I wonder if I'm just one of those people who only want one child, although I should just admit to myself that I will try for another eventually because I know I will, but it will really be for DD, not for me. . . Droile, I don't believe I would love DD any less if I had another child, I just feel that I wouldn't be able to dote on her as I do now because I would be doting on 2 children. Aloha, I think you are probably realizing also that a lot of the reasons why you had your DS do not apply any more since DS satisfies a lot of what you were looking for.

I know what you mean, tinyfeet. But in a way, we dote on DS1 through DS2. He is as much a part of his brother as he is a part of his father and I. It's hard to explain, somehow. I suppose the whole thing feels more solid.

Droile, I think it must be some general feeling of family that another child brings out. I just hope that I have the time and energy for another child when the time comes, and that I don't rack myself with guilt if I don't.