Please give me some good arguments for NOT smacking a child...........my brother has just said I am ridiculous and I am cross.

[Majeika]

My youngest bro emailed us to ask our opinions on discipline and smacking. He has a 10m old boy.

I said that I had smacked mine but that in hindsight I wouldnt again as I really didnt believe in it.

I then said, 'You wouldnt hit another adult so why hit a young child?'

My other bro (who winds me up anyway) said that was a ridiculous thing to say and that he does smack his children.

I understand the difference between hit and smack blah blah but it is essentially the same thing. Youngest bro is talking about smacking DN on the leg or hand to stop him doing something. I said you can do this in a low toned voice............

Comments please. and HELP ME get one over on my annoying arsehole brother........

Hello, this is dizzyblonde's DD..and I was smacked as a child. I was probably smacked up to the age of three because as a two year my personality was adventurous and I ran hard and fast away from my mother towards dangerous situations. This risked my life and my mother had to get into my head quickly that I shouldn't do it. I don't remember these smacks but I do remember getting smacked when I was seven for extreme rudeness. I also remember my brother getting smacked when he decided to crawl on the roof when he was five and hang off the edge.
I'm sixteen now and I'm not violent and I actually not that fond of violence or confrontation either. Also I have learned to reason and argue just the same.
Smacks are not designed to create lasting hurt, my mother's smacks were stinging and quick. It was over, I learnt my lesson (such as don't run onto the road and don't stick your hand in a plug socket) and I am not traumatised because of it. I don't resent my mum and I have a good relationship with her as well, if something was bothering me I could feel like I could talk to her.
I rather resent people saying that I will grow up to be violent simply because I was smacked as a child. There are a lot of other factors involved with becoing violent.
My mother also practised controlled crying and set me a bed time...but that's a whole other thread.

Just the thought of smacking a small child makes me feel physically sick. I don't need any more arguments than that.

Hey that's your opinion and you can not smack your children all you like. I wouldn't smack a child I look after for babysitting or at the nursery where my mum used to work but if I had children one day I would probably smack them if they were endangering their lives. Of course I haven't got children and so I might change my mind when I get them.
I just don't like how everyone is portraying parents who smack their kids on the same level of child abusers. My parents did not smack me every single day, the fact that I only remember being smacked once should show this fact, they used it as a method to show us when they were serious about us not doing whatever we were doing or when telling off, withholding treats and time outs didn't seem to work. This is still the sixteen year old DD by the way.

I was smacked (beaten, rather) and I had collected all the justifications for it in my head. I thought it was an abolutely perfectly fine thing to do to kids.
But then I had DD and realised I could never smack her tiny, plump innocent body.
My younger brother (no kids yet) thinks smacking is fine but then I told him this argument and he had to agree with me:

If someone on the street upset you and you smacked them, you would find yourself in a police cell. So why on earth is it okay to smack a child, who is so much tinier than you AND is someone that you are supposed to be protecting from hurt and violence? Is it okay because you can get away with it? Is it okay because you are so much bigger than the person you are hitting i.e big people can hit smaller people?

Manyt children wallop each other and the cat, I have seen plenty of this in children I KNOW have never been smacked.

It's still DD's daughter here. I was not beaten as a child, let's just get that straight. However you do have very good arguements and I do agree with you with bits of it but I haven't changed my mind.
What would you be doing talking to the people on the street? And if you smacked them you would be doing it out of the fact that you can't control your temper not trying to stop them endangering your lives, so if someone smacked their children out of anger then I would say that that was wrong.
That is a good arguement that next line. However smacking is not meant to be that painful, it's the shock and the message that prevents the behaviour happening again. But would you resist smacking your child even if it saved their life? And I mean little kid sticking their fingers in plug sockets, mother gives them sharp tap to the hand they learn you don't do that and no risk of electrocution, sort of thing.
It's not okay just because you can get away with it, I mean horrible stuff happens to kids nowadays and the people get away it but it does not make it right.
No it's not okay because you are bigger than they are, I am fine with the fact that my parents smacked me when I was younger because for them (and me) it was the worst punishment so when they did it we understood that we should never do that again. Yes if you can discipline your child without smacking then do it, but if you child knows it is wrong and still does it (my brother knew that climbing on the roof was wrong and he still did it) then I think that it needed to be done for him to understand the seriousness of it because if he had done it again and broken his neck then that would have been much worse than a smack.
One last thing, Sakura I love your pen name.

I was anti-smacking for all these reasons before having ds, though mainly because I never was smacked as a child so didn't feel it was in my repertoire IYSWIM.

Then when I had ds, I was sure I didn't want to allow myself smacking as an option, because there were a few times when I felt terrible emotions boiling up in me and knew that I was capable of hurting my own child. It was a lot simpler just to have an absolute rule that I didn't smack him, and that way I never 'went too far'. I hate to think what might have happened if I had.

Don't know if this helps, really.

Still DD here, my mum went to bed ages ago. What does 'IYSWIM' mean?
That is a good rule and I'll consider that. It's sort of like an alcoholic never taking a drink cause he does not know whether he'll be able to stop. Sorry if I offended you with this reference. It does help, thanks.

IYSWIM - if you see what I mean.

Not offended at all

Trouble is IMO a cold calculated smack - delivered in the spirit of "this will cause you pain and do you good" is the WORST kind of smack. It describes a parent who is NOT red hot with anger but who weighs up the situation and decides that inflicting pain is their chosen style of parenting !

IMO the only excuse for smacking a dc is that having been provoked beyond belief by their behaviour a parent just loses it. And I agree with choosyfloosy that that is a dangerous line to cross!

And what is the difference between striking, smacking, slapping and hitting? Aren't they the same just called something different to make the smacker feel better? They can all leave marks on a dc. They all hurt. They are all meant to hurt.

I would just smile sweetly at him and say:
'really-you are 6'4'' and an intelligent adult and yet you can't manage a baby without hitting them?-have you thought of parenting classes?'

I agree with choosyfloosy. The only times I've ever contemplated smacking were when I've been pushed right to the limit. In these situations instead of smacking I clapped my hands, and it made my hands sting so I know it would have hurt a defenceless 3 year old. I scared myself.

I was smacked as a child, and my relationship with my parents is fine and 'it didn't do me any harm', but even today my mum feels guilty about it (and I'm 31 now). She says she smacked us depending on how she felt rather than for what we'd done; if she was tired, ill, frustrated etc she'd be more likely to smack.

yes, I think most smacks in a normal parenting context would be in out of control situations, where the kid does something dangerous and the parent is terrified and angry and panics. It's not a calm decision made by the parent to teach the child about important dangers, it's a panic reaction from the parent. If it was premeditated, as previous poster said, like planning to smack the child, that would be grim and a bit cruel.

I think most of us were smacked as kids in those kind of extreme situations, ran into the road or whatever. I've sometimes felt like smacking my DS (2) in those kind of unreasonable or terrified moments, but have always held back and don't think I would ever smack him, quite apart from the fact that my DH would divorce me if I did, or at least be really, really, really angry!

oh, ,just a thought, if your brother is emailing you about it, at least it shows he has some doubts in his mind and is open to persuasion...

Of couse smacking is bad, but you have to have a good alternative that works. Even worse than smacking is letting kids get away with bad behaviour, because you don't know what to do about it.

One of my ds's friends, (age 9) is extremly violent and aggressive at times, and he has never been smacked.

Oh, and here's something very funny on the subject:

Sorry - here it is:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nn5jlrxcpkI

Potential danger is really is no reason to smack a child. Cover all plug sockets- that is the adult's responsibility anyway. Always carry them or hold their hand in car-parks or near roads so they don't get themselves in danger, hence the "need" for being smacked. Basically cover all bases.
If you do make a mistake at some point and the child gets themselves into danger, make a mental note of it and learn from it yourself. You don't need to take out your shock and upset on the child by smacking them. Children learn rules just as well with words and guidance (moreso)
I also agree that smacking in cold-blood is worse than an angry slap by an end-of-her-tether parent who then writhes in guilt afterwards and promises herself she will try never to do it again. That parent is only human. But I don't think its right for smacking to be used as a method of discipline when there are so many other cleverer ways to teach children. And the bottom line is experts all agree that smacking doesn't work!

(Dizzyblonde, thanks for noticing my pen-name is cool, by the way.)