Does anyone else have a baby they can't put down? I am finding it very stressful...

[constancereader]

Dd is 10 weeks and is glued to me. She will not sleep alone, in fact she won't sleep unless she is propped up on my arm or chest. I can't put her down at home at all (she is better when out and about and tends to sleep in her buggy/carseat). If I get up to go to the loo in the night and leave her she is crying before I get to the bathroom. It is particularly difficult when dh is gigging as I have to see to my 22 month ds who still wakes quite often. The other night they were both crying for me in different rooms and I had a very peculiar moment, my stomach clenched really tightly and I stood in between them absolutely FROZEN with indecision and crying with frustration. I then took ds into bed with me and dd, so dealt with it fine in the end , it just worried me that I had such a peculiar moment. Then I took ds back and dd was crying AGAIN by the time I got back to bed so I had to settle her again and it took hours.

I have a ring sling but she hates it, a baby bjorn which she only settles in if I am walking, and an Amby Nest which she doesn't sleep in.

I haven't bothered to cook myself anything to eat tonight as I couldn't face listening to her cry as I prepared it so I ate cornflakes awkwardly at the table while feeding her and dropping milk on her head

Did any of you have a baby like this, who developed more of an independent streak when a little older?

Yes!

My dd was exactly like this but is 7 now and not at all clingy, in fact, once she was a few months old she became far easier and she was not at all like this as a toddler or pre-schooler. There is hope!

I also had a 20 month old and a baby and it is hard at the beginning.

Good luck.

Have you tried a wrap sling? DS was like this and I used a KariMe to carry him all day. It's good because it holds them close as if you were holding them with your arms, and they are upright which a lot of them seem to prefer. I would also say that any sling takes a bit of getting used to for the baby and I had to use it for short periods while i was moving around at first, but within a couple of days DS was in there and sleeping for hours. It genuinely saved me from losing my head, I am sure.

If it's any consolation DS is now totally independent, put him down in a room full of strangers and he'll run off without a backwards glance. He only reappears to show me things he's stolen found or if he's spotted me eating cake or something

Yes, dd was like this. I often felt like ringing the hospital to ask if they really had remembered to cut the umbilical cord.

Is now a very independent and competent 12yo.

DD is still rather like that (sorry!) at two. I managed to fit in life around her by using a sling (forgotten the name. It's a corduroy sling which you tie ontp yourself with incredibly long straps, inward or outward facing, really good. Does anyone recognise it?) and having her in bed with me, rather like the Continuum Concept.

I'm afraid she usually came to the loo with me - I couldn't stand the crying.

Continuum Concept children are supposed to turn out to be very well adjusted, confident and outgoing, so we can but hope. Not quite what I was planning and a waste of the beautiful cot with the expensive new mattress ... You have to work with what you have got.

Could someone take dd for you for the odd hour to give you a break for a bit of space, a walk, etc?

Thank you. It is good to know there is hope that I will be able to lie any way I want to in bed at some point in the future . I have banished dh to the spare room and I miss him too.

I am typing this with dd propped on my lap looking at the screen. I suppose at least she is happy when she is on me, it could be worse....but sometimes I just want to run screaming from the house for some time on my own.

I also wish I had weaned ds, I seem to spend all day bf atm and I keep getting cold sores through lack of sleep.

you need a moby wrap. they're a godsend. so easy and comfy and lovely and i could wax lyrical about them all day!

ds2 was a proper velcro baby, 24/7
he is now 13 months and my god is he independent??? he is so secure it's unbelievable.
now, he may have turned out like it anyway, but I do think that slinging the whole time and always being there for him has made him realise that i will always respond if he needs me, he is safe and secure in that knowledge, bless him

All three of mine like this - thankfully they are all 6 years apart so i didn't find myself torn between two clingy little ones at the same time.

My DS 19 weeks now is very clingy and is in someone's arms 24 hours a day it feels like. It is very tiring sometimes, my right arm is falling off at this stage, but it is actually getting a little better than some weeks ago.

My other two were clingy until about 6 or 7 months, but def by about 12 months both very sociable and able to occupy themselves if they had to.

But how did you all cope? You sound so well adjusted, all of you.

Am pleased at the thought of bringing up a well adjusted baby, that was my thinking behind allowing ds to self wean. Only now I am wishing he HAD actually weaned himself before dd came alone (although I would have missed the bit where he bid "Bye bye" to my left breast today as he finished ).

I am just so bloody knackered

reindeer do you mean a wilkinet? I had one for DS and I agree, it was pretty good.

My DS was also the velcro baby you describe and it is hard. I felt so sick to death of just holding him for 24 hours a day at times, but gradually he did get better and by 6m he was happy to be by himself for longish periods. He is now a v confident and independent 2.4 year old. You are doing the right thing even if it feels like hell now. Is there anyone you could get to give you a break, even if just to take DC1 off your hands for a while?

Not very many months ago I posted a similar thing about my own velcro baby. I got lots of good advice - slings, baby rockers, get as much help as possible, ditch the housework etc - but the best was just to go with it because it doesn't last for ever and it wouldn't be too long before I was sitting on the sofa drinking a cup of tea while LO crawled around on the floor. At the time I couldn't believe that would ever happen because, like you, I had to eat holding him and sleep holding him etc. You know the drill! (Luckily for me he's my first so I wasn't pulled in different directions by two children as you are.) He's now almost 9 months and I do indeed get to sit on the sofa and drink my tea while he crawls around happily. Every day, as I see more and more of an independent streak emerge, I wonder where the time has gone. I'm sure you're right to be hopeful and I'm also sure your hopes will be realised. Hang in there.

i dunno, you get used to it I guess? slinging becomes easier, they cry less and you can do more.
at 10 weeks ds2 was just in the sling most of the day aside from the hourly feeding thing. that was fun.

you look back and it hardly seems like any time at all, but i know when you';re in the middle of it it seems like it'll never end.

constance, just a gentle reminder that you are knackered because you have a 10 week old baby. Remove the holding and the BFing toddler from the equation and you would still feel shattered! So go easy on yourself.

Are you making the mistake of thinking that at 10 weeks in you should be on top of things and back under control? Because I am fairly sure that realistically that stage is months away (it certainly was for me, and I can imagine with a toddler too it will be harder).

If all you do is sit on the sofa BFing and eating biscuits all day then so what? Distract toddler with DVDs and fruit shoots and try to let it wash over you. I would also strongly recommend trying to get a sling your baby will settle in (definitely try a moby or kari me, they're worth it) and then making a point of all going out for a good long walk whatever the weather (I would wear DP's jacket over the top of baby and sling). You'll get there!

Velcro baby - good term!!!! Both my DSs were like that - DS2 extremely so. Constance - your description of your "peculiar" moment of indecision and crying with frustration is not peculiar to me! Been there, done that thing with all 3 of us sitting on bed crying when DH was working away. I am very, very sympathetic! It is very tough, I know. TBH, when DS2's colic was causing me to nearly have a nervous breakdown, I spent a fair number of nights at my parents' house with the kids. It meant that my mum could hold the baby while I shovelled some tea down me (that she'd made!) and she could also help with giving DS1 his tea etc, and giving him a bath and putting him to bed, who was 2.year 3 months (and happy to be spoilt by his nana!). It was a godsend, doing that sometimes - also good for relatives to actually see with their own eyes what it's like for you. Sometimes, I don't think they really believe that it can get as bad as you describe to them. My mum soon discovered how bloody awful DS2 was, though!

Would doing that be an option for you?

DS2 is now 2.5 and he still likes LOTS of cuddles with me (he is so physically loving - still loves to twirl my hair in his fingers for comfort. Am hoping to get him out of that habit by the time he is 16 LOL!). But he is very independent in a room full of people as other people have described and actually EXTREMELY sociable. Maybe a clingy baby is a sign of a future very sociable people-person type of empathetic adult?

I am lucky in that dh is around a lot in the day - he can choose his working hours so he tends to be at home till about ten every morning. He is great because he does so much with ds, I feel he would be really missing out otherwise.

Thank you for your kind words all of you. It is good to know that I am not the only one, and that you all survived...

Constance, there are days when I am not at all well adjusted. Especially the early days when DH took the brunt of it. And DD2 who is 6 and impossibly cheery and never stops talking, (ever) has had to come to terms with me snapping way more frequently than before. Having said that, any time I've resolved to coach DS to amuse himself for longer than 5 minutes and he gets upset and I pick him up, it just feels better and right. So I just resign myself to it.

A big factor is staying sane I think is relaxing the housework. And regular meeting up with friends.

This sounds so familiar - DD was exactly the same. I couldn't put her down or leave her at all, not even with DH. I lived mainly on toast eaten one handed while she BF'd almost continuously ( it seemed) for the first year. I left her with DH and went out to the shops without her for the first time when she was about 12 weeks old and she screamed in his ear for the entire 90 minutes. It does get better, I promise. I remember that frozen feeling too - it was like my brain had had a short circuit for a few moments when both of them were screaming at me at once! (I had a demanding 3 yo as well.) Just take it one day at a time and bear in mind that it does pass. Good to meet up with other mums too - I found it v reassuring to find other people were also finding their second baby a bit tougher than they expected.

DH and I were just discussing today whether DD will ever be happy to be put down. She likes to sleep propped up in the crook of someone's arm. She is 11 weeks (4 weeks prem) and it seems to be getting worse, not better as she spends more time awake.
She is starting to look at her playgym and her black and white mobile for around 5 -10 minutes now if she is in the mood and also before bath, seems to like being stripped naked and kicking legs around on towel, even though screams for dressing / undressing (this could work to enable you to i don't know, do some washing up or something, or attend to DS's needs), but then the screaming starts again. As DH says 'she just likes to be with us'. I'm sure I should find this reassuring, but i don't think so.
I swear i spent 6 hours today alternately feeding / changing one or the other child until DH came home from work at 2pm.
Good luck.

DS2 was like this for 6 months. He is now super-smiley, super-bright, super-cuddly two year old. I have told myself this is because he felt so secure as a baby...hang on in there, it gets better

It has made me feel so much better to hear your experiences. Thank you for sharing them.

My relationship with dh has taken a bit of a battering too Kaxter. I have been very unreasonably jealous of the fact that dh gets a whole nights sleep every night, even though it was my decision to banish him to the spare room. He is also doing most of the housework and getting up with ds, thank god he is a patient man and tolerates my snapping.

My dd1 was like this until 8 months, she didn't even sleep in the car. At two she's delightful.
Worth checking out acid reflux?? Pester your GP a lot.

I didn't put my DD down for about 7 months- I think she used to feed for 6- 8 hours a day. Once a day I'd leave her on the bath rug to have a shower with her wailing beside me.
We have a very very independent and confident 4yo now. She's great!
I'm so glad I made the sacrifices I did, as I can actually leave her to her colouring or whatever now and rinse out the conditioner!!

PS Give her to DH or anyone as much as possible and get some story time and nice activities with dc1 just so you ease the guilt a bit, and do a little parenting where it's visibly appreciated.

Wilkinet, that was it, really good. I became an expert in what can be eaten one handed (not spagetti!). Getting out is the key, I think. In the sling or car seat, anything seems easier out of the house. Take ds1 to play in the park/feed ducks/look at people shopping/meet friends (v important).

I have read that you must get at least 20 minutes daylight every day to prevent depression and preferably much longer. If you can actually get to walk briskly and get some exercise, that will help too. Tricky, I know - double buggy? Have you ever tried Bach flower remedies? Find a website and look at them and see if it is something for you.

DS was 8 months before I could put him down anywhere, I developed very strong arm muscles and understanding friends.

It did get slightly better week by week (when he was first born I didn't know about co sleeping and got the sum total of 23 minutes sleep in 4 days.....