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Parenting

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Original poster

Need help curbing my temper in the morning

47 replies

Pawslikepaddington · 09/12/2008 14:32

Advice please-for the past week dd has been impossible to get out of bed, and then refuses to do anything-i.e. will not get dressed, in fact makes it impossible to get her dress (clamps arms to sides, refuses to lift legs etc), will not brush teeth (will clamp mouth shut), will not have hair brushed (will lie on floor screaming and muzz it up on the carpet/with her hands the sec I brush it), throws her breakfast on the carpet, will not put shoes on, will not put coat on, has to be pushed literally out of the door-we were half an hour late for school today and I can't do it any more! I threw her toothbrush at her today I was so insanely angry! I cannot go on like this-I always remove myself from the room until the need to smack etc goes, but is there anything I can do to stop the shouting? I was thinking of writing it all down instead, but that will make us even more late, argh!

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morningpaper · 09/12/2008 14:33

Sympathies

How old is she?

Isaidkissmeunderthemistletoe · 09/12/2008 14:35

Could you leave her to do it herself - just lay her clothes / toothbrush out, then go downstairs for a cuppa and say how pleased you'll be when she comes down all ready?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 09/12/2008 14:37

Sympathies, when I find a solution I'll let you know! I Have the same problem with dd1 for months now, we haven't been on time for school for over a week now. The earlier I get her up the more she meses about.

I have tried a sticker chart whereby each morning she gets ready without making a fuss she gets a sticker when her chart is full she gets to 'trade' her stickers for a present. We started last month. She has three stickers. The chart is also for getting dressed at dancing and for bed

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Original poster

Pawslikepaddington · 09/12/2008 14:39

She's 4. There is no way she would even move if I left her to it-she is brilliant at doing things she wants to do and will do them immediately (i.e. leaving for sweet shop), but will never ever ever get dressed/eat/put shoes on etc herself, no matter what the situation. Threats don't work, counting to ten doesn't work, leaving the house without her doesn't work, praising her doesn't work She is now banned from opening her advent calender , but no matter what you do she will just sit there looking at you like you are a complete idiot and I am tearing my hair out in chunks!

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Original poster

Pawslikepaddington · 09/12/2008 14:42

P.S. know this doesn't help shesells but thank god this happens to someone else too! She is adorable to everyone else so they think I am making a huge fuss when really she is an angel-she is not-she is a complete jeckyll and hyde and has pulled the wool over your eyes-I hate being so cynical about my own dd too! Bedtime takes an hour and a half to two hours too-it is so soul destroying!

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morningpaper · 09/12/2008 14:44

What about a kitchen timer? Set it for 10 minutes and if she is dressed in time then she can open the advent calendar for the day/or have other treat

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 09/12/2008 14:45

She may have been seperated at by birth from my mini tweenager. Advent calanders are also banned here untill she is fully dressed after which there is no time to open it anyhow.

We have been known to have pyhsical fights with me literally dragging her clothes onto her.

morningpaper · 09/12/2008 14:45

Or have a competition with you: who can get dressed the fastest?

Or (if she won't co-operate) closing her bedroom door and telling her that she can come out and play WHEN SHE IS DRESSED

mellyonion · 09/12/2008 14:47

how about some good old fashioned briary?
"if you get dressed now, and we leave for school inplenty of time, we can pop to the sweet shop on the way...." or offerto pick her up with a treat if she gets to school on time..

its really hard... is she happy at school...maybe there is an issue there that is making her not want to go?

Original poster

Pawslikepaddington · 09/12/2008 14:47

I've tried it-nothing works! The school already hate me enough so I can't take her in her pj's (although I have done her hair and teeth there on more than one occasion as she won't scream as much in front of her friends). She is killing me!! I have tried extra breakfasts, I have tried special fruit salad with toffee yoghurt breakfasts, I have tried chocolate spread on toast-I have tried all bribery in the book-every single day she refuses-even if she would do just one thing, i.e. let me put her coat on without a fight it would be a glimmer of hope. I am starting to think she has behavioural problems or something.

OP posts:

constancereader · 09/12/2008 14:47

When I was a teacher I helped a couple of mums in this situation by talking to the child and making a real fuss of them if they did well in the morning by getting dressed by themselves - I only wanted to hear about the good though, if they didn't manage to behave then it just wasn't mentioned. Is her teacher helpful?

constancereader · 09/12/2008 14:48

sorry, obviously not

morningpaper · 09/12/2008 14:48

Well... if she is good for other people but not for you, I think that perhaps this is part of a bigger picture?

snice · 09/12/2008 14:49

I agree about the itchen timer. Ours is set for the time we have to leave the house and that is when we go. Anyone not ready has to leave as they are. No breakfast -tough Pyjamas still on - tough. Once they have been taken to school once half dressed they don't want to do it again.

However - make sure you are ready when the bleeper goes off as it applies to Mummy too -I have missed breakfast before now.

Original poster

Pawslikepaddington · 09/12/2008 14:50

We have fights too-she slapped me this morning! Ending with me in tears and telling her I no longer wanted her under my roof as she was a disgrace and a thoroughly bad child . I seem to do nothing but belittle her nowadays though, which can only be escalating the problem.

OP posts:

snice · 09/12/2008 14:50

Do you have other children?

Original poster

Pawslikepaddington · 09/12/2008 14:53

Morning paper-what do you mean? We have no problems at any other time-evenings are lovely as are weekends, it is just the morning. This morning was so awful (as mentioned above-I am so ashamed that I said that) that I have realised we can't go on like this. We are very loving and she gets a lot of attention as it is just me and her, and also has a lot of stimulus from various activities and friends, so doesn't seem to be that different from her friends, bar this morning issue.

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GooseyLoosey · 09/12/2008 14:54

Dd is the same age and I sympathise - I hate mornings.

I think in your position, I would mention the issue to the teacher (who must be aware of something if you were late) and ask what would happen if you just took her in as she was one day (with clothes to change into of course). Then:

I would leave food on the table for a specified period (I do this anyway for dd). If she does not want it, she can get down, if she does not eat it it in the time she has, I take it off the table. The longer it takes her to get dressed, the less time she has to eat.

If she won't have her hair brushed, I tell her that it will have to be cut as short as her brothers so it won't get knots in.

If she doesn't brush her teeth, I explain that they will fall out, but they are her teeth not mine.

No coat means that she will be cold and won't be able to go out at playtime.

If school were agreeable, if she did not get dressed, I would explain that you will just be picking her up and taking her to school and she will look rather silly still in her pyjamas.

I would avoid any arguments with her at all - explain the rules clearly and then leave her to it. Most of the fun from her perspective is probably watching you struggle.

tillyblue · 09/12/2008 14:55

Eldest dd did this a lot.

I cured her by threatening to take her to nursery in her pyjamas and she called my bluff so guess what... I threw her in the car just as hse was.

Even at 4 she was mortified when we arrived and I have never seen her get dressed so fast on the floor of thecar!All I had to do was threaten her with it again when she was being stroppy in the morning and she would get dressed in a flash!

Original poster

Pawslikepaddington · 09/12/2008 14:57

I think I will do allocated time slots and set the timer, and each time the timer goes off that is it for that period as that is something I haven't tried, as everything melds into one-i.e. breakfast gets taken off the table if it isn't eaten, if she has no tights on it is tough, teeth not brushed = they fall out and the tooth fairy won't pay money for bad teeth, knotty hair = boys hair cut (like that one!)

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morningpaper · 09/12/2008 14:57

Morning paper-what do you mean? We have no problems at any other time-evenings are lovely as are weekends

Paws you said she is horrible with you but nice for everyone else, and bedtimes can take 1-2 hours ... ?

frankbestfriend · 09/12/2008 14:57

Put her in bed earlier at night?

If she is refusing to get up perhaps she is not getting enough sleep

Iloveautumn · 09/12/2008 14:58

Do you have a close friend who knows your family well who could give you their observations on your relationship with your dd?

I only suggest this because my friend and I have a mutual friend who has huge problems with one of her dds and she can't understand why. However it is blatantly obvious to me and my other friend that she has a very negative attitude towards that particular dd and that she can't do anything right.

Obv not nice to hear if a friend thinks there is something amiss in your relship with your dd but sometimes other people can see things we aren't aware of ourselves.

Of course it may be nothing like that at all and just a really difficult phase your dd is going through.

The only strategy that comes to my mind is to try to totally stop your negative responses and focus on positive responses. Show loads of love towards your dd, even when she is driving you up the wall and praise her for as much as you possibly can. I know that doesn't help you get her out of the house for school on time but maybe you've got into a really negative cycle that needs breaking?

Original poster

Pawslikepaddington · 09/12/2008 15:00

Dd just doesn't seem to see social stigma though-she would be happy to stay in her pj's all day, or not have her hair brushed. She doesn't understand that it is bad to smell of wee or poo (she refuses to wipe at school too, or even to go to the loo sometimes) or to not wash your hair-I suppose I have always done these things for her, but she still doesn't see it as a big deal, so it is so hard to get across the importance of getting dressed etc.

OP posts:

Iloveautumn · 09/12/2008 15:00

Sorry - x-post, doesn't sound like there are wider issues!

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