Need help curbing my temper in the morning

[Pawslikepaddington]

Advice please-for the past week dd has been impossible to get out of bed, and then refuses to do anything-i.e. will not get dressed, in fact makes it impossible to get her dress (clamps arms to sides, refuses to lift legs etc), will not brush teeth (will clamp mouth shut), will not have hair brushed (will lie on floor screaming and muzz it up on the carpet/with her hands the sec I brush it), throws her breakfast on the carpet, will not put shoes on, will not put coat on, has to be pushed literally out of the door-we were half an hour late for school today and I can't do it any more! I threw her toothbrush at her today I was so insanely angry! I cannot go on like this-I always remove myself from the room until the need to smack etc goes, but is there anything I can do to stop the shouting? I was thinking of writing it all down instead, but that will make us even more late, argh!

(I would definitely get her a short hair cut - saves hour of arguing!)

Oh Paws - poor you - I can empathise, although DS(6) is nowhere near that bad. I did lose it completely the other morning and say "Right, that's it, get yourself to school, I am going back to bed" and I did. DH went down 5 minutes later to find DS, shoes and coat on, hair brushed, sobbing gently because he couldn't find the lid for his water bottle - we did make up.

What does your DD say if you talk to her about it in one of the 'nice' times? Have you tried putting the solution back to her - as in "fighting every morning is making us both miserable - what do you think we should do?"

Sorry - you seem to have already tried everything else I could suggest.

She sounds as if she still wants to be your 'baby' and not a 'big girl' going to school. My daughter was similar when in reception but made worse by the fact that I was at home with her baby brother.

The not seeing social norms thing - maybe 4 is too young to worry about it, but that might bear discussing with teachers / GP?

I show dd plenty of love-I have asked all my friends what they think and they would do the same, and they even ask for advice for their dd's-I am not an unloving mother, I can promise you that.

She gets plenty of support and I do have a very positive attitude towards her, but it is proving hard in the mornings so I was asking for advice re curbing my shouting, as it is having a negative effect. The only differences in her life with regards to her friends lives are that she no longer sees her father, and her grandmother died, so she only has me-there is no other family in the picture, so I get exasperated sometimes and so does she. I was asking advice morningpaper, please don't jump on the thread with sarcastic comments-go to AIBU or something.

Ok sorry, only glanced through this and now I see there are more issues too.

Why do you think the school hates you Paws?

I agree with Iloveautumn, shower her with affection and praise. You need to get close to her again to find out what's really going on.

one thing I do recommend, it would help if you could get up earlier than her, showered, dressed and had a nice calm cup of tea and breakfast all to yourself.
That way you steel your strength and get ready to deal with her calmly.

really have been there Paws.

Paws Why do you think I am being sarcastic? I was offering suggestions. Will leave this thread if I am upsetting you though.

get dressed or dont go. stay in room all day

stick to it.

sick to death of the reward culture for everything - i get it - itruly do - but sometimes kids just need telling and punishing.

i can't believe getting dressed is even power play. i know it takes all sorts to make the world go round etc. but in your situation it would be get dressed NOW! or no school today. becuase i am not FARTING AROUND WITH YOU EVERY MORNING

You seem a little defensive.

Do you think that your dds behaviour is getting worse, or could you maybe a have been a little more short tempered than usual?

I know that my dd always seems to be naughtier when I'm feeling the stressed.

If bedtime is taking 2 hours and mornings are also a nightmare you must be feeling very drained.

I have been there, my dd can also be very trying.

CUT HAIR IS an excellent piece of advice from MP - dd always had short hair - not through choice for a long time - but still twas a time saver

Love it CCC! Paws I think you're doing a great job under difficult circumstances. Is there anyone you can have a chat with about how you're feeling?

I'm sure loads of kids do this Paws. Its a phase - not your fault. I would also say don't reward, it should be expected behaviour to get ready for school. What worked for me was:
Offering breakfast, giving chance to do teeth, wash face, etc. If anything was refused, say 'fine'.

Put clothes by the door. Then 10 minutes before you need to leave say 'right, off we go then' cheerfully. Then go 'oops, you forgot your clothes, and your teeth and your hair'. Then do mad funny game in trying to get everything on before leaving the house. I would leave breakfast, after being hungry once or twice I suspect she will not refuse after a while. Otherwise, I second just picking up and taking her as she is. Don't get involved in a fight. Give her the choice, then be prepared to carry her out the house in whatever state she is in.

I'm sorry, I was being defensive over it, but just feel like a bad parent because it felt like everyone seems to "get it" but me. Have had a word with dd, and told her that we are having a timer and it is my way or the highway. Would love to say no school, but I have to take her as I work, and tbh I think she would rather stay at home!

Would the school back you up in punishing for being late/inappropriately dressed? A few stern words from the teacher might do what loads of yelling from you cannot achieve.

That's true-the headmistress is very stern-she has had me in tears more than once, so if she saw dd in pj's then dd would never, ever do it again! . Am introducing the timer tomorrow, so will see how that goes!

Just wanted to say best of luck for tomorrow morning and sorry if you felt you were being got at-it is easier to offer advice over the internet than in RL!

Oh no, I should be sorry-I was in a baddo/guilty mood, so saw everything looked like a snide remark to my angry eyes! Tomorrow WILL be better-it WILL!!

Sorry but at "We started last month. She has three stickers"

I loved that too!

Good Luck with the timer. And with walking away / counting to 1000. I have to get both DC out of the house on time tomorrow, which is something which I have got away with not doing for a couple of weeks for various reasons.

I will be thinking of you as I too try and refrain from shouting at DS when he takes 10 minutes to supposedly brush his teeth and then reappears saying "What was I supposed to do? I've forgotten"

Paws - how was it this morning?