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Original poster

How should I react when other babies nick toys off 10mo DS and generally buly him at baby group .....

34 replies

TheGabster · 03/12/2008 20:40

Yes I am serious. 10mo!! I can't believe I am typing this.

Happens all the time and until now DS would sit there and let them take his toys, but now he is starting to bawl his eyes out. He even pushed a little girl over (she was a lot bigger than him) because she walked over and took the book he was "reading".

I don't know whether I should be intervening, leaving them to sort it out, getting the other parents to control their DCs or chastise mine for lashing out ...... it's a mine field of social awkwardness!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh

Please tell me what you would do!

OP posts:
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LilySwalLoosHerTurkeyBaster · 03/12/2008 20:44

Think 'bullying' is a bit strong They are babies!
At 10mth they have no concept of sharing or pushing someone else over on purpose. I don't think it is necessary to chastise any baby.
Just gently remind them to share even though they have no idea what your talking about!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2008 20:45

get a grip lady

they are babies

just gently extricate him if he gets cornered or distraught, but otherwise leave em to it

how else do you think children learn to interact with each other ?

otherwise, distract, distract, disract

CoolYourJets · 03/12/2008 20:46

Just take it back while smiling and saying "thank you, I don't think he is finished with it yet"

If yours pushes you apologise to the child and the mother while doing the above.

Works for me though.

Wait till they start biting . My dd2 (2) bit my DH today as he got her (unwillingly) into her car seat .

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cheeseandsproutssarnie · 03/12/2008 20:50

i agree with coolyourjets.gently say 'i think ds was playing with that'.but dont make big deal.they are i assume the same age as him?so theyre all babies.

thisisyesterday · 03/12/2008 20:58

they're babies!!!!

if it was an older child taking a toy, then I would probably say "oh, ds was playing with that" or something

otherwise, leave it

LittleJingleBellas · 03/12/2008 21:01

Firstly, don't use the word "bully" to describe pre-school behaviour.

Second, read a book about child development so that you can learn why it is inappropriate to use the word bully in this context and also so that when your DC starts to behave in a way you don't like, you will not use the word "naughty" about it, but will understand that it is developmentally normal behaviour.

Thirdly, distract, as others have said.

unknownrebelbang · 03/12/2008 21:10

Oh please tell me this thread is a wind-up?

wideratthehips · 03/12/2008 21:29

agree with coolyourjets

i used to feel rather upset inside when this happened to ds1 but its a bit of a 'survival of the fittest' out there and children adapt and survive!

Original poster
TheGabster · 03/12/2008 21:56

WOW - that's not quite the reaction I was after. Not its not a wind-up.

It was advice on the social acceptability of the situation I was asking for - what do you expect from other mums? Maybe my post was ambiguous.

CoolYourJets and Wideratthehips - thanks for your posts. Sounds reasonable to me and exactly what I needed to know. Ta very much.

OP posts:
jooseyfruit · 03/12/2008 21:58

i know what you meant.

lots of jolly smiling and always offer the other kid another (more exciting) toy.

and relax!

FarmerChristmas · 03/12/2008 22:02

Well YOUR child will be the one doing the taking in the future, will he be a bully then?

Chill, find a different toy for one of them and get back to your cup of tea

onthewarpath · 04/12/2008 13:24

They all go through that stage where someone else's toy is much more appealing than theirs. It will happen to your DS too in time.( I knoe it does not feel nice but this is how they learn to stick for themself, your Op suggest he is already trying to, well done him)

If when in these occasions you take a bit of time to explain to the child whose trying to take the toy away that it is not really nice to do it and that toys should be shared, it will gradually sink in and they will stop doing it.

Gemzooks · 04/12/2008 14:52

I don't let DS take toys off other kids, and tell him to share (he is 2 though). however in a mum and baby group if another kid takes a toy off him, I don't take it back, I just hope the other kíd's mother notices but if she doesn't I just try and console DS or distract him with something else. It's different if it's actually his toy, then I gently take it back. it is a minefield as you don't want to be seen to be grabbing things off other people's kids!

littleboyblue · 04/12/2008 15:03

I find this quite difficult as well. Since ds was about 10 mo, I started telling him no and so on and at 12 months took the time to get down to his level and 'tell him off' for hitting, pushing, snatching and everything else.
Whilst I understand that at this age, we can't expect our dc's to behave in a perfect manner, but IMO, my ds won't learn what is unacceptable if I don't tell him. And while he might not understand "You mustn't hit that girl, that's naughty" he will one day and I shall carry on like this.
It does annoy me at play groups when other children/babies get away with things that ds cannot, whether that's due to parents not watching or not concerned about it, which is why I tend to not go often.
Ds interacts with lots of other children but they are my friends children in an environment that is comfortable for all, and one of us can say "Jane, your daughter just pushed mine, can you tell her off or move her away".

littleboyblue · 04/12/2008 15:05

When I say children/babies I meant at whatever stage you refer to them as babies, not that I expect a 3 month old to be told not to hit or snatch, but I would a 12 month old iyswim

MrsMattie · 04/12/2008 15:07

It's all part and parcel of being babies / toddlers. If you get stressed about it now you'll be spending the next 18 years having a nervous breakdown. Deal with it by ignoring, distracting, saying a firm 'No' or alerting the other parents politely to their child's behaviour.

(Or any combination of the above).

But don't have kittens about it. And I wouldn't talk about babies being 'bullies' either.

catweazle · 04/12/2008 20:14

I can remember getting really upset at toddler group at all the "rough big children" (they'd have been 18 months- 2.5 ) pushing my PFB and snatching toys off her. Of course it wasn't long at all before she was the one the mothers of younger babies were tutting about, and it is so much better having the moral high ground of the victim

Just a calm "thank you, DS was playing with that, there's a good girl/ boy" is all it needs, or if it's too late for that just find him something else to play with.

troutsprout · 04/12/2008 20:27

Agree with mrs Mattie

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 04/12/2008 20:32

Try distracting the other child with a different toy and hope their parent is watching enough to help you out.

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 04/12/2008 20:32

Try distracting the other child with a different toy and hope their parent is watching enough to help you out.

shitehawk · 04/12/2008 20:36

Babies aren't bullies. They are not capable of bullying. Nor are they capable of sharing or recognising that something doesn't belong to them.

Of course you don't leave them to sort it out. They are babies; how do you expect them to sort anything out?? You distract, remove him if possible, and gently take the book (or whatever) back. Stay close so that you can deal with incidents without fuss and bother.

And please don't think of babies as being capable of bullying behaviour. Yours will be the one dishing it out one of these days; think about how you would like other mothers to handle it then.

nappyaddict · 04/12/2008 20:38

What I have always done is say "Oh I think DS is playing with that at the moment why don't you play with this instead?", gently take it off them and give it back to DS then say to DS we'll give that to X to play with when you've finished won't you.

Even at 12 months or whatever when they don't really understand, I felt like it was a start cos you have to start somewhere don't you.

ChukkyPig · 04/12/2008 20:42

I feel really sad when children come and take toys from DD, as she always gives them a hopeful smile (she's 15mo). When the larger children do it in a bit of a mean spirited way, when they are old enough to know not to snatch toys from babies and shove them, she still just smiles at them. It makes me die a little inside but I suppose you have to let them just get on with it - they have to learn that some people will be mean to them and that's the way it is

nappyaddict · 04/12/2008 20:43

LittleJingleBellas - out of interest what do you say instead of saying don't do that it's naughty? I'm curious cos I've never spoken to anyone who doesn't tell their child something is naughty before. I can understand your reasoning when they first do something undesirable the first few times, but surely there becomes a point when they know it is naughty and it's not so much of a developmental thing anymore? For instance if a 2 year old was biting I would think it was developmental, if a NT 10 year old was biting I would think that wasn't developmental.

CatchaChristmasStar · 04/12/2008 20:48

Thought this was appropriate, I have this hung on my dd's wall.

Toddlers Rules:

  1. If I like it.....It's mine.
  2. If it's in my hand.....It's mine.
  3. If I drool on it.....It's mine.
  4. If I had it a little while ago....It's mine.
  5. If I'm doing or building someting.....All of the pieces are mine.
  6. If it looks like mine.....It's mine.
  7. If I drop it.....It's still mine.
  8. If you're playing with somehting and put it down.....It automatically becomes mine.
  9. If it's mine.....It must never appear to be yours in any way.
10. If it's broken.....It's yours.