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naily here again worrying again about dd1

55 replies

nailpolish · 24/11/2008 12:59

i know ive talked about this before and im just repeating my self sorry
dd1 just seems unhappy
she goes to school fine, i dont have to ask her twice to get up and ready for school, we walk to the playground without any bother, she goes in with a wave and a smile
but when she comes home she is "no-one plays with me" and i HAVE to believe her, she is my daughter, i believe her
this is and dont laugh but i have walked past the playground a couuple of times at lunchitnme and watched her (not stood and stared but walked past) and she is alone - running about, but alone
she says the other children dont let her join in
i think she finds it hard to know HOW to join in - i have spoken to her - and they are only 6 - so i suggested to her she just goes up to them and says "can i play too?" and she says she does this but then she doesnt know what to do next
its like she doesnt KNOW how to join in
at school the other weeek (she told me about this herself) she lied to the teachers saying she didnt feel well. eventually she told the teacher she felt ok she had just made it up. the teacher told her it was wrong to lie but it was good she told the truth in the end and she didnt get any punishment - i asked her why she did this and if it was because she wanted the teachers attention possibly but she isnt sure why she did it my heart goes out to her
she also seems unhappy at home saying "you dnt love me" when we dont allow her to get her own way - like i insisited last night she have a bath - then she wanted to sleep in dd2s bed with dd2 but i told her "no its a schoolnight" - she said she didnt want to be alone she wanted to be with dd2
she fights a lot with her dad and hurts his feelings a lot with "i dont want you i want mummy" i dotn know how he does it but he stays very calm and tells her that he loves her and watns to help her (this could be anything from helping with a puzzle to washing her hair in the bath)
she goes to rainbows and most of the other girls there are in her class
she plays the violin and she practically lives for her weekly lesson - i think she adores this so much because it is a solo thing - not a group activity - and hse loves her teacher - who is a jolly mumsy type of person who encourages dd1 a lot
she is even playing her violin in a concert at xmas

ive said this loads of times but to look at dd1 she is different that way too. she has short frizzy hair ( i love it - she looks like a dandelion seed - she has a litle pixie face nad is so beautiful!) she is v pale and is tall and slim - like a long drink of water my friend says. he arms and legs go on forever.

how can i help her

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RubyRioja · 24/11/2008 13:03

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morningpaper · 24/11/2008 13:03

what about getting a friend over once a week for a play-date?

this really seems to encourage friendships in my limited experience

it is a faff but worth it

nailpolish · 24/11/2008 13:05

i am friendly with a couple of the mums - we do have regular playdates - well not really regular but regular enough. she loves having friends over and going to her frineds houses. but then again i think she finds it easy cos its not a mass of peope in a playground and she doesnt have to do the joining in thing

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nailpolish · 24/11/2008 13:06

yes they have playground assistants - i have asked them before to keep any eye on dd1. they say she plays ok but doesnt have any particular frineds

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Uriel · 24/11/2008 13:06

Can she take a small toy in that the others would be interested in too?

ledodgy · 24/11/2008 13:07

OH God this is heart breaking isn't it and I think it's like this for alot of young girls in school. I had this problem as a child and was very sensitive just as she sounds. My dd has days like this though it's not all the time. In her school they have a bench and if one of the children is feeling lonely then they can sit on it and the other children are encouraged to invite them to play. I think you need to flag this up with the teachers so they can help her join in iyswim.

She sounds just like me as a child I was sent to Brownies and ballet and loathed them both I used to get so nervous in group situations. Things seemed to click with me when I started juniors when I was about seven and I found a set of friends I was comfortable with.

haggisaggis · 24/11/2008 13:08

I remember well that feeling of not knowing how to join in /play. I think setting up play dates is a good idea. My dd has similar issues - tends to play with teh boys I think because she tries too hard with girls and they can't cope with her. I found when dd brought in a toy to school that other grls liked it gave them a talking point and helped to draw her into their games a bit.

nailpolish · 24/11/2008 13:11

just now they are only 6 - i am dreading when they are older and know how to be cruel - i dont want them to pick on dd1 - jnust now she can ask to join in but its the sort ofthing an older child would laugh at - im worried that is what is going to happen
she goes to rainbows and i know she does worry a bit about it - but she still goes - i wonder if it will get worse and the other girls will be cliquey - girls can be awful cant they

on the other hand it might be ok - i wish i knew

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doggiesayswoof · 24/11/2008 13:11

Obv if she is not happy, then you want to help.

But she doesn't HAVE to join in. I hated doing the big group thing at school too and I ended up with 2/3 close friends (I was not 'popular' whatever that means! I didn't really fit in).

I did piano lessons too and liked doing something by myself.

My dad spent a lot of time telling me it was ok to be on my own or just to have a few friends. Being different was fine, everyone was different etc.

nailpolish · 24/11/2008 13:13

she asks a lot if so-and-so can come and play at our house - so we do have regular playdates where they come for tea
and ti seems to go fine

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ledodgy · 24/11/2008 13:13

IME girls that young can be cliquey it's all 'such and such is not my friend today beause ' but it is all very transient. My dd is in year 1.

doggiesayswoof · 24/11/2008 13:14

Girls can be awful yes. I played with the boys a lot because they were such simple creatures It's much harder to work girls out. I remember that feeling of not knowing what to say/do next.

nailpolish · 24/11/2008 13:15

wy is she unhappy at home? she cries a lot and half the time i think it cos she is tired ( i am convinced they have stepped up a gear at school and she is keeping up ok - gets a lot of homwork and they have 3 topics on the go just now - but she finds it tiring)

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ledodgy · 24/11/2008 13:16

Also at this age the boys and girls seem to separate alot when it comes to playing. DD had a 'boyfriend' since preshool and she said the other day he doesn't play with her anymore, preferring to play with the boys and their boy games. You can also get some very dominant little girls that tend to try and 'own' other girls and dictate who they're friends with it's a bloody minefield!

ledodgy · 24/11/2008 13:18

I also get the 'you don't love me' thing from my dd and take it with a pinch of salt. They are at the age now when they understand how to tug our heart strings to get their desired result. I don't think this means she is genuinely unhappy at home.

nailpolish · 24/11/2008 13:19

there is one girl at school who is very lovely - shes been her for playdates and she is good fun - at school she is so popular! al the other girls swarm around her and i dont think this wee girl is even aware of it all! every single girl in the class wants to be best friens with her and 2 of them have even had a fight ove rit
it beggers belief
dd1 doesnt seem fazed by all this popular girls stuff but time will tell
i think some people are popular through no making of thier own
it s wierd isnt it

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ledodgy · 24/11/2008 13:20

Do you reckon she'd like a penpal? My dd would be well up for it and it would be nice for them to send each other little letters etc in the post.

nailpolish · 24/11/2008 13:22

lededge im sure dd1 would be delighted to have a penpal!

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ledodgy · 24/11/2008 13:23

My email is [email protected]. Send me your address and i'll get dd to write the first letter.

nailpolish · 24/11/2008 13:28

she also has this wierd thing (god im getting it all off my chest today) where i will occasionally say to her we are going into town and she can choose a special treat (like a penny toy or someting from claires)
so
we go into claires - basically say "have a really good look around and you can choose something for a treat"
we can be there for AGES but i jsut let her wander around
she will eventually come to me in tears "mummy i cant pick anything its so difficult my brain hurts help me"

i have to console her and tell her she doesnt have to pick anything lets go for an ice cream isntead
its the same with clothes
i took her shopping to get a winter coat - i am not fussy what she pics as long as its warm and somewhat practical - she could not for the life of her decide and got in such a state i had to take her outside and cuddle her until she had calmed down "i cant pick i cant pick"
we eventually came home and she looked at the next catalogue for a whole week before deciding
(she wanted to do this - its not like im forcing her to choose - im trying to make it fun and i say "oh i will just pick for you" ut she insists on doing it and i need a shedload of patience)
sme with xams

i siad "if you think of something you would like write a little list"
she cant cope with tis either

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nailpolish · 24/11/2008 13:30

sorry that shold be XMAS list

ledodge i will chat to dd1 when i pick her up today thank you

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ledodgy · 24/11/2008 13:33

Oh my dd does that too! I asked her what she wanted for Christmas and she just couldn't decide in the end she said that she didn't think she needed anything. She gets poket money as long as she keeps her bedroom tidy , a pound a week and she has £5 saved now because when we take her to spend it she can't decide what she wants!

ledodgy · 24/11/2008 13:35

My dd seems to be frustrated alot lately and has even had a couple of tantrums ones we haven't seen sine she was about 2. It does take alot of patience I think it is a very awkward age.

ledodgy · 24/11/2008 13:35

My c on this keyboard is a nightmare!

nailpolish · 24/11/2008 13:36

i think P2 is a lot mroe difficult than P1
workload etc
less time playing

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