naily here again worrying again about dd1

[nailpolish]

i know ive talked about this before and im just repeating my self sorry
dd1 just seems unhappy
she goes to school fine, i dont have to ask her twice to get up and ready for school, we walk to the playground without any bother, she goes in with a wave and a smile
but when she comes home she is "no-one plays with me" and i HAVE to believe her, she is my daughter, i believe her
this is and dont laugh but i have walked past the playground a couuple of times at lunchitnme and watched her (not stood and stared but walked past) and she is alone - running about, but alone
she says the other children dont let her join in
i think she finds it hard to know HOW to join in - i have spoken to her - and they are only 6 - so i suggested to her she just goes up to them and says "can i play too?" and she says she does this but then she doesnt know what to do next
its like she doesnt KNOW how to join in
at school the other weeek (she told me about this herself) she lied to the teachers saying she didnt feel well. eventually she told the teacher she felt ok she had just made it up. the teacher told her it was wrong to lie but it was good she told the truth in the end and she didnt get any punishment - i asked her why she did this and if it was because she wanted the teachers attention possibly but she isnt sure why she did it my heart goes out to her
she also seems unhappy at home saying "you dnt love me" when we dont allow her to get her own way - like i insisited last night she have a bath - then she wanted to sleep in dd2s bed with dd2 but i told her "no its a schoolnight" - she said she didnt want to be alone she wanted to be with dd2
she fights a lot with her dad and hurts his feelings a lot with "i dont want you i want mummy" i dotn know how he does it but he stays very calm and tells her that he loves her and watns to help her (this could be anything from helping with a puzzle to washing her hair in the bath)
she goes to rainbows and most of the other girls there are in her class
she plays the violin and she practically lives for her weekly lesson - i think she adores this so much because it is a solo thing - not a group activity - and hse loves her teacher - who is a jolly mumsy type of person who encourages dd1 a lot
she is even playing her violin in a concert at xmas

ive said this loads of times but to look at dd1 she is different that way too. she has short frizzy hair ( i love it - she looks like a dandelion seed - she has a litle pixie face nad is so beautiful!) she is v pale and is tall and slim - like a long drink of water my friend says. he arms and legs go on forever.

how can i help her

Yes her best friend is in Primary 2(my best friend's little girl) and the amount of homework she gets is astounding! Not looking forward to that next year at all.

thaks ledodge youy have beenso kind
i will email you later with dd1

No problem, I know what it's like. Looking forward to your email.

thabnks everyone else too

do you think i shouold speak to ehr teacher? god knows what i would say

You could be talking about my dd here - also 6. Patience, patience is what I have to keep telling myself. The cliques in the playground really upset her and that seems to manifest itself in the strangest ways - not eating normally, suddenly descending into tantrum for no obvious valid reason - but tbh when are these reasons valid to us. The more folk I talk to about these issues the more of our dd/ds are affected to a greater or lesser extent.
No answers - looking for my own - but just a group hug!

She sounds like my DD has been at home. Very 'emotional', tearful over inane things, screams and physically thrashes about in a temper over other things. VERY jealous of her brother in terms of attention he gets vs attention she gets. She also does the dithering thing as well over some decisions.

I presumed it was a phase, possibly a developmental thing - surge of hormones to get her to grow that her body cant quite cope with or something.

Plus school has cranked up a gear since reception.

You do seem to be projecting a few of your own insecurities into this, and if she's a sensitive soul the same as my DD, then she'll probably be feeding of you a little bit in that respect.

Next time she says she's unhappy - sympathise with her, give her a hug but leave it at that. If she repeats it, or goes further with it, ask her what she'd like to happen/how she'd fix it.

Drop the treat thing when going into town. Unless she asks for it.

I should add that my DD is also in Year 1 - she's 5 atm.

Oh, and she has also started saying "I wont be your best friend anymore" or similar when she doesnt get her own way. I dont give any comments like that any weight or value. I ignore them because they are designed to hurt. I'd rather give a positive response to the situation than any response to a negative like that.

oh god do you really think so vicki / ?
i ws bullied at shcool and its my biggest fear this is waht is going to happen to dd1
i hope she isnt picking up on this

good adivice - ta

can anyone help with waht to say to teacher?

Yeah, I was also isolated in primary school - there were 11 girls in my class and they all paired up.

I had a shite time at secondary too (but did have some good friends here and there) but mostly felt lonely and always 'on the outside' of any group.

I had better friends outside of school.

I worried very much about this for DD. But, then, I realised that being the quiet sort is perfectly fine. That being an extrovert is not hte be all and end all and the world would be a very dull place if everyone was an extrovert. It took me a LONG time to get to that point though.

I also read "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aaron which REALLY helped. I'm much more chilled out about DD now. She seems to have made friends and we have playdates etc.

Just explain to the teacher how you think that DD is struggling to learn how to ingratiate herself and join in and perhaps it could be included in pe/role-play or something, and if they could keep an eye out. Social development is on the curriculum so i'm sure it wouldnt be a problem.

And lead by example. Do things where you just dive in and join in. How often does she see you do that?

naily, veni and others - i recognise a lot of what you describe, right down to the stalking the playground nailpolish - have definitely been guilty of eg lingering as i dropped her off and got 'jokingly' told off for it by the head once . DD is the classic highly senisitive child and overthinks absolutely everything, including friendships (or lack thereof...) and also CHOICE - completely bamboozles her in toyshops etc just as you describe nailpolish! (the number of times we have walked out of woolies or similar with her in tears and empty-handed, completely unable to spend her pocket money or xmas money etc!)

DD is now 7, at a different school and loads happier in a small class with 3 or 4 good pals. but at 6 she was still very insecure and shy and used to spend all day on her own, we had all the same conversations as you do with your child, me explaining to her what might 'work' in terms of asking others to play with her etc etc. she is the classic introvert but time and patience have helped as has me having endless friends and kids round for tea 'and a play' - didn't bear fruit immediately but really seemed eventually to cement friendships that might have been one-day wonders otherwise in the playground.

we also talk a lot about playground politics and also about introversion and extroversion- she understands that she and DH are more introverted than me and DS, and that that's absolutely FINE. she knows she needs quiet time to recharge between playdates, and why. i really used to worry myself sick over her social skills or lack thereof, but things are much better now. good luck!!!

ps as you imply veni - the (western) world seems to really value extroverts fpr several reasons. i (even though i am more of an extrovert myself) now champion introverts whenever i can!!! DD is deep, interesting and bright. as well as being volatile, anxious and often demanding. she just doesn't like groups or excessive noise or crowds. she favours solo work and loves to read. she can also tear around like a banshee with a good pal or her little brother, but all in all she is not a natural people person, and it's taken me YEARS to get my head round this and be okay with it! my problem more than hers all along probably!

Hi np,sorry you feel upset for your dd.You don't mention her birthday month~is she at an extreme end of the school year? I know those with july/aug birthdays can need more support as they areat a bit of a disadvantage in the early years.She sounds sensitive and intelligent and maybe thinks about things more than theothers at the moment.If she likes to be led by others she may be asking the children in the yard to play and then waiting for an answer whereas notmany others perhaps interact in that way~they just get stuck in.This doesn't mean anything is wrong with her~she may just need 1 gf she can rely on and I would bet in a year or so she will be very popular when the others have grown up a bit.Maybe she can't decide what to buy as she can see too many different options and may be trying to think what will please you.This is not a bad thing either and w ill pass.I'm guessing you feel for her becos you careand cos you're close.Don't worry I think its an age thing.

Couldnt agree more katiek
All personality types should be cherished and encouraged. The quiet ones have magical qualities that I adore in my DD. But, it did take me a while to accept that because I'd felt all my life that those same qualities in myself were a negative thing. Now I dont

im so glad others have had the 'leave woolies in floods of tears' scenarios
its bewildreing!
dd has a friend round for tea today - she cannot wait. its a good pal who's been round before - dd cant wait
and dd2 is at nursery so out of the way (i dont mena that in a bad way - but its good for dd1 )
thanks again everyone
i still dont know whether to talk to teacher or not

Yes - do. Because then she can see where your anxieties lie and it might help her with your DD

its not that i dont think its 'right' that dd is quiet and introverted - its that i dont think she is happy being like that - i think she is desperate to have fun but doesnt know where to start

i just want her to be happy and content

Being happy within herself needs to come from accepting that she's like that and it's okay to be so. In fact, not just okay, but great. It's a quality - not a hinderence. If she feels she has to be different in order to be included then she'll feel unhappy with being like that. She needs to feel that she doesnt need to be like someone else - do you see what I mean?

yes i see what you mean
i will start with that
thanks

I do feel for you, I have been where you are now. I found that DD did pick up on my anxiety and keyed into it. I have done the walking past the school before. Playdates helped but didn't necessarily translate into some one to play with at school but were well worth it as she had fun during them. School were very helpful (she has dyspraxia) and I do see it as part of their job to smooth the way with the whole social thing. I thought I was going to be let off the hook with DS who has just started reception, was fine at nursery but struggling with friendships now. His teacher was talking about social skills and explaining how she has been helping a few of them who need that extra little bit of help.

I have found it a rocky road with highs and lows but things have hugely improved now she is older. The problems she had earlier on stood her in good stead for year 4 which had all the girls being a total nightmare. DD handled it well as it wasn't new to her. They have all gone onto middle school this year and to my amazement DD thriving, there is so much more choice now and clubs and things to keep them busy- she was besides herself with excitement about going to show biz (I assume drama) club today. She has also made new friends and seems to be fitting in well. Sorry to ramble on but I wanted to give you some hope.

I did read somewhere to get them to learn not to say can I play as the other people can simply say no and that is the end of the conversation. Apparently it is better to go over and say something along the lines of that looks fun, what are you doing, to get conversation going. DD struggled with that but it maybe useful for your DD.

thaks teapot that was lovely to read
yes i do worry about the playdates - it doesnt seem to extend to the playground

i ws talking to dd1 last night and i told her that when dd2 starts school in august she will be able to play with her and she started crying saying "everyone will love dd2"

i will start talking to her about "ooh waht are you playing that looks fun" instead of "can i play too" thanks
something simple but not something i had thought about

i have bought the "how to talk so kids will listen" book on amazon
should come tomorrow
dont know why im just a bit desperate!

aww naily She's probably tuned in to an inadvertent comment about differences between her and dd2 and held on to it.

Keep telling her how great she is and what she's good at.

What teapot said about a different 'in' on joining in is a great example. And again, she'll learn it quicker if you lead by example ie, going up to her when she's doing something and saying it - as opposed to telling her how to handle something in future.

And the How To Talk book is great - well worth it IMO.

have spoken to the tteacher who was very lovely and understood what i was saying
i was worried she would think iwas mad
she agreed with me over everything and is going to help
she says sometimes children who are having a tough time at lunch can go to the quiet club in the library once a week at lunch so she suggested dd go there once a week
and she is going to watch her in playground
and have a caht with dd

i am relieved

Awww Np DD1 8s a gorgeous wee thing. Hope she is ok.