Serious guilt over DS while coping with pregnancy

[mrsgboring]

I am sick and tired with this pregnancy. Am 15 weeks now and the nausea is currently worse than ever. I find myself completely incapacitated by it and DS is having to fend for himself quite a lot. I'm particularly wimpish about pregnancy - I know a lot of people cope with much worse, but I lost my first child at full term so it's an anxious time as well.

I still manage to take him out, keep him clothed and clean (ish). He gets three meals a day and healthy(ish) snacks, but the meals are of variable quality and lack variety.

More than anything, he spends a lot of time playing on his own and/or watching TV because I just cannot cope with interacting with him - talking, moving about, fiddling with lego etc. makes me feel ill, so I hide in the next room MNing, lying down or eating things that keep the nausea at bay.

Since 10 weeks I've taken him out to all his normal activities, and since 12 weeks I generally can manage to sit with him and even eat when he has his meals, but I'm just so sad for him. I see DH playing with him, reading to him, singing, just being with him and watchcing him, and it reminds me of all the things I used to do and now do so much less often.

He is (we hope - place not confirmed!) going to preschool in Jan (he's 3) but will take a while to settle I think, so I have to have the energy to make that one work.

I don't know what I'm hoping to gain by this message TBH. Just need a confessional I suppose.

Don't give yourself a hard time - I felt very much like you do during my second pregnancy.

Soon the morning sickness will pass and you'll feel a lot better, emotionally and physically!

The guilt thing does tend to pop up when you have your second dc but trust me, when you see how much the siblings love each other and play together (admittedly not all the time!) it will all be worth it

See, I'm not sure if the sickness will pass for me. I thought it had gone but it's come back, and it persisted till about 30 weeks in previous two pregnancies.

But thank you for your kind words.

I sympathise. Now I've had DS and am feeling less knackered, I do feel guilty about how incredibly short tempered I got with DD during the last few months of pregnancy, she really got the rough edge of my tongue when she didn't deserve it! But now I just make a special effort to do a few things together when DS is asleep, and give her lots of praise for being the big girl and great sister that she is, and she doesn't remember how crappy I was before! I did try to explain why I was feeling extra tired and that did help (I think), plus your DS will soon be having a brilliant time at pre-school when you can rest up and regain some energy for him. Good luck.

Sorry milkmoustache, I got distracted. Thank you for your post. I hope to goodness that preschool turns out to be a good thing for my DS....

I was a horrible mother to ds (3.10) today. My nausea is thankfully subsiding at last, but I was still SOOO tired that I plonked him in front of the tv, or let him play around on his own with very little interaction and he was clearly very bored and angry with me by the evening. I felt awful about it but could not muster the energy to play with him. You are not alone! At least my ds is at preschool now 4 mornings a week. I don't know how I would cope if I had him at home all day every day. Do you have any family/friends who could watch your ds a couple of mornings for you so that you can catch up on some sleep? I find that being over tired aggravates my nausea - when ds has been out in the morning and I have rested the afternoons are alot easier!

Bluebutterfly, that is me every day at the moment, it feels like. The difference is that my DS doesn't really seem to mind. He's very focused on his lego (and his telly ) at the moment and will sometimes tell me to go away. Sometimes he will ask me to come in and be with him and play lego too, which is usually when I'm so ill I want to die. I lie on the sofa and get him to bring books, bricks etc. to me so I don't have to move my head.

You aree spot on about tiredness exacerbating it. Not a lot of family around (FIL has just had a stroke so we are helping out them rather than the other way round). I do have friends but mostly have been usuing them for antenatal appointments - am being treated as high risk so have lots of long boring hosp. appts, scans etc.

Hope you feel better soon.

Hi I am 16 weeks and have been very sick with this pregnancy and am just exhausted. DS is used to a very high level of interaction and I find myself saying all day and I just can't do it at the moment. Before pregnancy he only watched tv on the weekends now he is allowed it from 3pm until dinner is ready and I spend all day saying "I can't do....ds" which I hate but I just can't. My ds is terrible at entertaining himself so I have been taking him out alot...only trouble is I find this absolutely exhausted and he is still wanting my attention when we get home. I am in some ways hoping that he will gain some skills in playing so that when baby is born at least he will be able to play a little on his own and hopefully as milkmoustache says I will have more energy when baby is asleep to do things with him again. Does make you feel awful though doesn't it.

I was ill until 16 weeks when I had DS and poor DD had to pretty much fend for herself. She is 6yo and as far as I can tell has had not lasting effects (except that she is very independant, was able to dress herself from a young age etc).

Being tired does make it worse, as you know. Could you maybe see if there is a young girl who lives nearby who could take your DS to the park for an hour? We had a couple of neighbours with young DDs who loved to fuss over DD. I did not use them as babysitters as they were still a bit young but they went to the park just across the road, and played in the garden/playroom with DD to give me a rest.

Don't feel bad about asking your friends for help. Perhaps one of the mums from the mums and toddlers groups that you went to (you mentioned normal activities) could take him along too.

I think that the best thing to do in the circumstances is to
a) give yourself a break - children are resourceful and can entertain themselves
b) Have a pile of books nearby and whenever you think your ds needs some one-to-one interaction, read him a favourite story. Other quiet things to do that you can get semi-involved in (without having to move alot)

-colouring books (lots of them - or print some colouring pages out from the internet)
-play dough. Ds makes a mess, but enjoys it.
-Puzzles - over 3s tend to like the ones with favourite characters.

Finally, and this one is the "big effort" one if you are feeling awful - go to the park. It may seem exhausting, but the fresh air can REALLY help your nausea, as can a short walk even when it is the last thing you feel like doing.

Or if you have a garden, wrap up warm, get a chair to sit in, wrap your ds up warm and just sit and watch him play in the garden.

Or invite little friends over to play in the garden. With friends over they can entertain themselves quite happily from about 3 years, for almost an hour!

Many of you on this thread sound far worse than I am in terms of sickness and general PG suffering - I am a bit of a wimp really.

I do manage to get out and do things, and regularly have friends round which helps a lot. We've even managed the occasional painting session and once I cooked with him (it was his major obsession of the moment till I got pg and told him Icouldn't do it any more )

I would LOVE to spend more time outside as I feel far better in the fresh air, but DS is very very awkward about outdoorsy activities and seems to hate the park with a passion at the moment. (Have posted about it on here before now).

Revjustabout, thank you for your words of encouragement. As yet we don't have a confirmed preschool place at all (first choice oversubscribed). We're looking at one on Monday which we hope will serve - it's a bit outdoorsy for DS's tastes but I'm hoping the myriad attractions there will overcome it. If not, he won't be going at all.

DS has for ages required a very high level of interaction, but that's faded away now, thank goodness, so there is hope for all of you. He's also very very sensitive about being left with other people, which is getting better too but I don't want to push it too hard, or he'll dig his heels in.

Hey ho. Today is a good day, I feel able to cope and have given him (and will continue to give him) loads of TLC to make up for the last few days.

mrsgboring - sounds like you are doing your very best, and I don't mean that in a patronising way: I was exactly the same as you, and didn't cope much better - and that was with a lot of help from my DH and mum.

I found the first 20 weeks or so of this pregnancy utterly grim, and was also coping with a 3 yr old. On a good day i could get out of the house to the park or shops for an hour, but on a great many days DS was watching CBeebies while I lay on the sofa feeling sorry for myself

All I can say is that although this period is pretty grim, and although the guilt can be quite unbearable at times, it will pass in time (hopefully fairly soon.

In the meantime, take every offer of help you can get.

Good luck xx

p.s. I am 38 weeks pregnant now and feel better now - despite some serious medical complications - than I did at 15 weeks, when the sickness and tiredness were crushing. So hang on in there...

MrsMattie, was wondering how you were getting on and whether you'd had the baby yet. Well done on 38 weeks, hope it's not too much longer for you.

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mrsgboring

I have a DS (now 2.8) who I "neglected" terribly throughout my horrible pregnancy with my DD (now 8 months).

I had bad hyperemesis, obstetric cholestasis and assorted other nasty pg things. I couldn't even look after my DS, my mum had to take me and DS in and look after us both. Don't feel at all bad. My DS is a kind and loving little boy who loves his baby sister. Your DS will be fine and he will be thrilled with his sibling.

Also, when I was 2, my mum was pg with twins and horrifically ill. I do not remember any of it. She used to feel bad about me - at 2 years old, I used to take bowls of sick to the toilet and flush it away for her. She also used to sit me on her bed and ask me to talk about something in detail (whilst she SLEPT!). I would still be babbling nonsense when she woke up. I have no recollection of any of it and I am fine and glad to have my brothers!

Just wanted to say that I was in a similar position this time last year-my son was 3.5 and I was newly pregnant with DD. I could have written your post then as felt exactly the same- DS watched lots of TV, played lego by himself for hours on end etc etc whilst I tried to hide away either with my head over the bog or just in self pity!! The guilt completely ate me up, exacerabated as some have said before by horrendous pregnancy tiredness. I felt particularly bad as I didn't have the energy to 'interact' (you mention this in your post)with him all the time which I thought made me a terrible mother-I now know that's untrue!!

One year on, we have a beautiful 4 month old daughter and sister for DS. He completely adores her and feels very proud of his new 'big brother' status. He certainly doesn't seem to resent her or me. Of course there are still difficult times now, trying to strike a good balance between his needs and hers but it really has been worth every second of pregnancy nausea and sleeplessness over the last year.

Give youself a break, don't worry about 'neglecting' your son. The fact that you are posting with these concerns shows that you are being a truly conscientious mother! You are only human and chances are that you WILL start to feel better as the pregnancy progresses. I had some lovely days out with my son during the last 2 months of pregnancy when I felt better. I truly enjoyed our 'special times' together which helped eased my conscience about the 1st trimester! I'm sorry to hear that you experienced such tragedy with your first child-it's no wonder that you are particularly anxious.

Anyway-sorry for the rambling post-think it's been a 'therapy' for me to write this too! Good luck, get as much rest as you can and I wish you all the best with your new bump and baby.

Christiana we do almost exclusively videos - DS went through a phase of wanting to rewind tv all the time and it got frustrating. Tweenies have annoying voices but good educational value. Teletubbies I could do without but they do the job. Toy Story is great because I enjoy watching it too. Sorry, an irrelevant ramble.

PS Christiana was my Aunt's name

crokky wow that's a horrible lot to have been through. Well done for surviving it all.

Right, time to allow my DS to leap on me and demand BFs again

Thank you, Itcanwait. The Lord bless the Tweenies, I say.

mrsgboring.
please don't fel bad, your doing your best.
i really hope you feel much better very soon.

i know its not very mumsnet but

((((((((()))))))))))

xxxx

mrsgboring - go on the internet and order yourself Toy Story 2. It's really good!